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  • #1201264
    d a
    Member

    baron fritz, I think I know Moishe Goldstein’s wife!

    #1201265
    baron fritz
    Participant

    lol i like the kidnapper one

    #1201266
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    An old man on his deathbed says to his wife “I’ve left everything to you”. She replies “you’ve been doing that for years”

    #1201267
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    October 15, 2002

    British High court hang-ups

    By Miles Kington

    A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand.

    Counsel: What is your name?

    Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.

    Counsel: Is that your own name?

    Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?

    Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.

    Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?

    Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.

    Chrysler: Which court?

    Counsel: This court.

    Chrysler: What is the name of this court?

    Counsel: This is No 5 Court.

    Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?

    Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!

    Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.

    Counsel: No, not really, you see because…

    Judge: Mr Lovelace?

    Counsel: Yes, m’lud?

    Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.

    Counsel: Thank you, m’lud.

    Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m’lud. It’s nice to be appreciated.

    Judge: Shut up, witness.

    Chrysler: Willingly, m’lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would…

    Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

    Chrysler: I am.

    Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?

    Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.

    Counsel: Is that true?

    Chrysler: No.

    Counsel: Then why did you say it?

    Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.

    Counsel: Off balance?

    Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.

    Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.

    Chrysler: Was that a question?

    Counsel: No.

    Chrysler: Then I can’t answer it.

    Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.

    Counsel: Yes, m’lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

    Chrysler: Is that a question?

    Counsel: Yes.

    Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, “Where were you on Tuesday?”, they are more likely to say, “Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?”. It isn’t, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?

    Chrysler: Yes, m’lud.

    Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

    Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?

    Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.

    Sensation in court. More of this tomorrow, I hope

    2002 Independent Print Limited. Permission granted for up to 5 copies. All rights reserved.

    You may forward this article or get additional permissions by typing http://license.icopyright.net/3.7463?icx_id=opinion/columnists/miles-kington/high-court-hangups-747313.html?service=PrintICopyright into any web browser.

    ‘Why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?’

    More from Miles Kington [http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/miles-kington]

    #1201268
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    i dont get it, is this a true case or a joke

    #1201269
    squeak
    Participant

    MrBachur,

    You are not meant to get it. The man is a British humour columnist. Note the seemingly superfluous “u” in the word. The words colour and color are actually the same, just the former is misspelled. But humour is not the same a humor. Only the latter is actually funny.

    #1201270
    blinky
    Participant

    Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp …

    If you are one of our children, press 1

    If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

    If you want to borrow the car, press 3

    If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4

    If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

    If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

    If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

    If you want to come to eat here, press 8

    If you need money, press 9

    If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theatre – start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!”

    #1201271
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

    Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing long with a few good humans.

    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start

    the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

    Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

    Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

    I needed a building permit.

    I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

    My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

    Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea.

    I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

    Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

    I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

    When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

    They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

    They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

    Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

    I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

    Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

    The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

    To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

    So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’

    ‘No,’ said the Lord.

    ‘The government beat me to it.’

    #1201272

    Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

    To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a

    sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’

    For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

    He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

    So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

    The next day someone stole it!

    They walk amongst us!


    *One day I was walking down the beach with

    some friends when someone shouted….

    ‘Look at that dead bird!’

    Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where?’

    They walk among us!


    While looking at a house, my brother asked the

    real estate agent which direction was north because

    he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

    She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’

    My brother explained that the sun rises in the east

    and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,

    ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff….’

    They Walk Among Us!


    My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,

    when we overheard an admin girl talking about the

    sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

    She drove down in a convertible, but said

    she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned

    because the car was moving’..

    They Walk Among Us!


    My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car

    which is designed to cut through a seat belt

    if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

    They Walk Among Us!


    I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman

    with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

    My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip

    out every time she turns her head!”

    I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear

    remain the same distance apart no

    matter which way the head is turned…

    They Walk Among Us !


    I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.

    went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

    The woman there smiled and told me not to worry

    because she was a trained professional and

    said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me,

    ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’…

    (I work with professionals like this.)

    They Walk Among Us!


    While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man

    ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and

    the cook asked him if he would like it cut

    into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time

    then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry

    enough to eat 6 pieces.

    They Walk Among Us!

    And last, but not least:

    Dumb as a box of Rocks

    A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

    A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

    ‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’

    ‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.’

    ‘What sort of question?’ asked Pelosi.

    Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”

    Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’

    #1201273
    blinky
    Participant

    i heard this a while back it might have been said already but its good enoough to say again.

    This plane was flying and the pilot discovered that it was too heavy to go on so he gets on the loudspeaker and says that ppl would have to jump off. Of course no one offered so he said that the fairest way to do it would be to go through nationalities according to the ABC’s. Here goes.

    “Any African Americans on board?” Silence

    “Any Blacks?” Silence

    “Colored ppl?” Silence

    “Dark ppl?”

    Suddenly from the back a little boy pipes up, “hey ma aren’t we all those?” His mom replied, “yes, but today we are Schwartzahs!”

    #1201274
    squeak
    Participant

    For those of us who live in the Northern Hemisphere, e.g. New York, the sun does not rise due east. During the winter the sun goes from east to west along the Southern horizon, and during the summer along the Northern horizon. So a person with a North facing window would find himself/herself awakened in the early summer morning by direct sunlight. But anyone who hasn’t updated what they learned in kindergarten would think such a question is stupid. And as we see….

    THEY WALK AMONG US!

    #1201275
    squeak
    Participant

    Blinqui,

    What about Caucasians?

    #1201276
    blinky
    Participant

    squeak- the pilot is biased! (Thats why he didn’t say Blinquis!)

    #1201277
    blinky
    Participant

    Here is another old one

    An elderly couple is in a restaurant and you could tell that they were poor. The husband orders one pizza, one thing of fries, and one coke. A man comes over and politely offers $, but the man refuses saying, ” oh its fine my wife and I we share everything.” The man then cuts the pizza exactly in half gives one half to him and the other to his wife. Then again does the same to the fries and then puts 2 straws in the one coke. Again the man offered to pay but again the man declined saying that he and his wife share everything. This happened a few times. In the meantime the man was eating while his wife sat silently sipping her coke, not eating anything. Finally the man, frustrated turned to the wife and said, “I offered your hubby $ but he refused saying you share everything, but I see that you are not eating anything, what are you waiting for? Her answer- “THE TEETH!”

    #1201278
    squeak
    Participant

    Here is a short version of William Safire’s “Great Rules of Writing”:

    Do not put statements in the negative form.

    And don’t start sentences with a conjunction.

    If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

    Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

    Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.

    If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

    Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

    #1201279
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Jewish Dictionary extracts

    AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

    BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother’s and dinner at your mother-in-law’s.

    BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though “I won’t be able to eat for a week!” Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.

    BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

    CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby’s nappy.

    DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.

    DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business

    school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine’s son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)

    DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

    HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah.

    HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.

    IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

    JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favourite celebrity is Jewish.

    JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

    KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.

    MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

    MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

    MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”

    MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

    MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

    RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.

    SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Xmas.

    SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

    TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

    TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has non-kosher in it after one has eaten it.

    YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include “Trust me”, “Your secret is safe with me,” and “If you can’t tell me, who can you tell?”

    YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor

    #1201280
    Sister Bear
    Member

    These have probably been repeated a thousand times but are still worth the laugh.

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

    The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like’

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

    After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

    Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

    ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

    ‘Yes,’ the class said.

    ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

    A little fellow shouted,

    ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

    ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

    #1201281
    Horrified
    Participant

    Murphy’s Flight Laws:

    No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

    If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

    If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

    Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

    If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area; Just look for the two largest passengers.

    Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

    The crying baby on board your flight is always seated near you.

    The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard…

    #1201282
    Horrified
    Participant

    A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink.

    #1201283
    Horrified
    Participant
    #1201284
    Horrified
    Participant

    Terry Markland and his friend Ken Stokes left the Royal Navy in 1993 after several years of serving together. They were well used to having a glass or two of ale together at the end of a long working day. On leaving the RN, Terry went to live in Plymouth and his friend returned to his home area of Newcastle. They promised each other that whenever they went out for a beer they would order two pints at a time as a way of remembering their friendship.

    Terry drank for many years in The Star in Plymouth and each day at 1800 hours he would order and drink 2 pints of guiness. Dermot, the landlord, commented to Terry on this practice and Terry naturally told him the story. This went on for some 13 years, every day.

    Last week Terry entered The Star and only ordered one pint of bitter. Shocked and a trifle worried and anxious, Dermot enquired whether Ken had passed away hence no need for the second pint.

    ‘Oh no, ‘replied Terry, ‘I’ve given up drinking.’

    #1201285
    d a
    Member

    (This is more true then a joke, but anyways…)

    I think I am going to start a bus company in NY and call it Making Travel Affordable (MTA)

    Because the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) is defiantly not.

    {A!e}

    #1201286
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    What is worse than being captured by the Taliban? Being rescued by the Americans…

    #1201287
    baron fritz
    Participant

    i dont get that one shticky

    #1201288
    ronrsr
    Member

    apropos of Shticky Guy’s contribution:

    1. Cohenstoga Wagon – a heavy vehicle used by Jewish pioneers wearing castoff Roman garments.

    2. Talisman – Owner of the religious supply store.

    3. Kuwait-watchers: a group favoring oil-price reduction.

    4. Jew Bidin’ – standing at the door of the synagogue, waiting for a minyan.

    5. Fear Kashas – Buckwheatophobia.

    6. Mitz-Rayim – New Rayim flavored juice, popular in Israel now

    7. Diane Nu – Young woman who is always asking, “Wuzzup?”

    #1201289
    ronrsr
    Member

    1. FEELAHWFUL (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

    2. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with

    Yiddish expressions.

    #1201290
    Horrified
    Participant

    Jane and Alan are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Alan returns inside to chase it out.

    Jane, not wanting him known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’ Several minutes later, an exhausted alan arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’

    #1201291
    Horrified
    Participant

    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    ‘Please note that this Bank is installing new

    Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’

    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.

    2. Put down your car window.

    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

    6. Put window up.

    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

    1. Drive up to cash machine.

    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

    8. Insert card.

    9. Re-insert card the right way.

    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

    11. Enter PIN.

    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    13. Enter amount of cash required.

    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

    18. Re-check makeup.

    19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    21. Retrieve card.

    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    25. Redial person on cell phone.

    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

    27. Release Parking Brake.

    #1201292
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    A man wakes ups in middle of the night and hears noises downstairs. Peeking over the banister he sees three theives looting his china closet. So he tiptoes qietly over to his bedroom phone and calls the police. “There are three robbers in my house”, he tells the officer on duty. “Sorry. We have no cars available right now”, she replies and promply hangs up. The man waits a couple of minutes and then dials 911 again. “Hi, I’m the one who called you a few minutes ago about a robbery. Don’t bother sendin anybody. I already shot all three theives…”. 30 seconds later there are ten patrol cars and two ambulances outside his house. The thieves were caught red-handed.

    #1201293
    blinky
    Participant

    There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

    The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

    The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

    The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

    He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.”

    THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

    Someone may come along and promise “Change”, but don’t count on things smelling any better.

    #1201294
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Baron Fritz… Dont you follow the news? Its about that woman captured by the Taliban who was killed by the American troops who were trying to rescue her

    #1201295
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    blinky,

    i hear you, but in reality the change Obama was talking about was the change that’s left in our pockets

    #1201296
    LAer
    Member

    blueberrymuffin, you forgot the end! The cops tell the man, “I thought you said you’d shot them!” to which the man replies, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

    #1201297
    baron fritz
    Participant

    oh thanks shticky lol and no i dont follow the news i am in school 10 hours a day

    #1201298

    yo mama’s so old, when i told her to act her age, she died!

    yo mama’s so old, she took her driving test on a dinosaur!

    #1201299
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    (#202) Jewish Doctors

    The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals…

    #1201300
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    LAer, thanks! I did indeed forget to post the end. I guess that’s like telling a joke and then saying,” Uh…I don’t remember the punchline”!

    #1201301
    Getzel
    Participant

    please read all older posts before posting many jokes are in the thread already

    #1201302
    Ben Torah
    Participant

    WB getzel1!

    #1201303
    cb1
    Member

    my mother thinks “LOL” means ‘Lots of Love’ i just received a text message from her “your grandmother just died lol”

    (this is not true its a joke i heard)

    #1201304
    Ben Torah
    Participant

    That’s what LOL means in England.

    #1201305
    cb1
    Member

    this joke takes place in america

    #1201306
    cb1
    Member
    #1201307
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A young chazzan was bragging yet again about his voice. “Do you know that i insured my voice for $200,000?” he said to a friend. The friend had had enough. “And have you finished spending your insurance money?” he asked…

    #1201308
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Corporate Shake-up

    If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

    Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

    The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

    Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

    From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

    #1201309
    baron fritz
    Participant

    does everyone have a seat for yom kippur

    #1201310
    d a
    Member

    baron fritz, good joke!

    #1201311
    blueberrymuffin
    Participant

    Good one there ROTFL!

    #1201312
    Poster
    Member

    baron fritz

    I dont get it…

    #1201313
    Imanonov
    Participant

    AL TASHLICHINI!

    Rivka, a woman of over 80, asked her son:

    That evening Moshe took his mother to the kitchen and showed her the plates, cups, biscuits and cake, and he showed her a paper he had stuck on the fridge:

    1) Serve tea

    2) Serve biscuits

    3) Offer tea again

    4) Serve the cake

    That evening the ladies are all seated in the salon, and Rivka, the hostess, went to the kitchen.

    She reads the note on the fridge: 1) Serve tea.

    With a smile she takes the teapot to the salon and served the ladies their cup of tea.

    After they have shmoozed for some time, Rivka goes back to the kitchen and reads the note on the fridge: 1) Serve tea.

    With the flair of a gracious hostess Rivka takes the teapot to the salon and served the ladies their cup of tea.

    This repeats itself another two times.

    Eventually the ladies leave.

    Later that evening Moshe comes home and to his surprise sees the plates, biscuits and cake still untouched in the kitchen.

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