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- This topic has 2,017 replies, 289 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by tunaisafish.
March 29, 2016 2:51 am at 2:51 am #1202937zichmichMember
Little Shmueli Sharfman was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. “Mommy, why does Abba have so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“Well, he thinks a lot,” replied his Mrs. Sharfman, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.March 29, 2016 3:01 am at 3:01 am #1202938zichmichMember
Why is it that in Israel there is a option to keep two days Purim and only one day Yom Tov?
Because When Hashem asked the Jews of Israel if they want one or two days Yom Tov, they asked, “What are we supposed to do on Yom Tov?”
Hashem answered: “Make seudos -eat meals” They said “We can’t afford to buy so much food. We”ll take one day”
When Hashem asked them how many days Purim they want. They asked, “What do you do on Purim?
Hashem answered: “You go around and collect money.”
The Israeli Jews said: Collect Money??! Great! We”ll take two days!March 29, 2016 3:45 am at 3:45 am #1202939The QueenParticipant
?April 14, 2016 2:06 am at 2:06 am #1202940popa_bar_abbaParticipant
As you sit down to your seder next week please remember there is a group of people sitting down to their seder who have not had a new joke to laugh at since yetzias mitzrayim.April 14, 2016 2:18 am at 2:18 am #1202941Torah613TorahParticipant
For those who don’t get it, there’s a joke that goes around every year about a group of people who have nothing to eat on Pesach… ashkenazimApril 14, 2016 2:23 am at 2:23 am #1202942
Donald TrumpDecember 7, 2016 7:43 am at 7:43 am #1202943
An engineer says, “The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.”December 7, 2016 1:45 pm at 1:45 pm #1202944
Comlink-X come again please?
Is this a play on the mirror joke?December 7, 2016 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #1202946MDGParticipant
It’s based on the proverbial half filled glass. Do you see it as half full or half empty?December 7, 2016 6:24 pm at 6:24 pm #1202947
It’s a play on the glass saying.December 12, 2016 3:21 am at 3:21 am #1202948
dear optimist,pessimist and realist,
while you guys were busy arguing over a cup of water,
i drank it
the oppurtunistDecember 12, 2016 4:01 am at 4:01 am #1202950
Wow sorry I was obviously thinking of a looking glass.
It’s half full. There is no such thing as half empty. If there is something in it then there is something in it.
It’s like saying half of zero. Even point-five of a glass is still half of something.December 12, 2016 4:05 am at 4:05 am #1202951
why was my reporter joke deletedDecember 12, 2016 4:22 am at 4:22 am #1202952
pls put it on i spent a long time typing it upDecember 19, 2016 2:38 am at 2:38 am #1202953
cmon guys im boredDecember 19, 2016 2:44 am at 2:44 am #1202954
Lol good joke ahron*
*Laughing at your joke anyway. It’s just invisible.May 23, 2017 1:56 pm at 1:56 pm #1283497
From Wikipedia’s cow tipping article years ago:
If you succeed in tipping a cow only partway, such that only one of its feet is still on the ground, you have created lean beef. Such a feat is well done. Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.May 23, 2017 4:51 pm at 4:51 pm #1283863mik5Participant
The man comes to the bakery and asks if their goods are yoshon. (Yoshon literally means old.)
Chas v’shalom, answers the owner. Everything is very fresh.
Another joke, told over by RabbI Uri Zohar shlit”a: I am probably misstating it slightly.
A frum guy is riding on a motorcycle. A chiloni cop follows him in the hopes of catching him break some law. After following the frum guy to his destination, the chiloni asks him: “How is it that I’ve been following you all this time and you didn’t break even one law?” The frum guy answers: “How could I do something wrong if Hashem is with me?” The chloni responds, with visible excitement: “That’s it! Now, I’ve finally caught you breaking a law! You just admitted that there were two of you on the motorcycle, and the law allows only one.”May 23, 2017 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #1284042
The United States of America consistently ranks 182nd in the world alphabetically.June 13, 2017 1:03 am at 1:03 am #1294764GetzelParticipant
Haven’t checked-in im a while. Wow this has really expanded to a long forum.June 14, 2017 5:34 pm at 5:34 pm #1296901
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.June 14, 2017 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #1296895
How do you make a net?
You sew a bunch of holes together.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder…
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus last week.
Not only is it terrible, but it is terrible.
My thesaurus arrived yesterday, but when I opened it, it was blank inside.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I
accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
I told my friend that her eyebrows were too high on her head. She looked surprised.
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
What’s brown and sticky?
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light blue.June 14, 2017 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #1296896
Why can’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re very good at it.
Do you know why when geese fly in a V, one end is longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that end.
Why did the old lady fall in the well?
Because she didn’t see that well.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks at the other and asks, “How do you drive this thing?”
Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “GLUB GLUB GLUB.”
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One asks the other, “Can you smell a fish?”
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.June 14, 2017 5:41 pm at 5:41 pm #1296897
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
He responds, “Just a fruit punch for me, I’m driving.” The bartender
says, “Fine, but you have to get in line.” The patron stops and looks
around, eventually saying, “I don’t see a punch line.”
How do you get a hundred Canadians out of a pool?
Say, “Would everyone please get out of the pool.”
I know a good knock knock joke, but you need to start it.
OK, knock knock.
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, “Moooo.”
The other cow says, “Darn, I was just about to say that.”
Two cows are standing in a field.
One cow says, “Hey, are you nervous about mad cow disease?”
The other responds, “Not at all – I’m a helicopter.”
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked
the bucket. He said “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have…………………. a beer”.
The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”
A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler,
and when I woke up, I was still exhausted.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.June 14, 2017 5:42 pm at 5:42 pm #1296898
What’s got five fingers and drives a tractor? A farmhand.
My wife is always yelling at me because I get my
directions mixed up, so I packed my bags and right.
Those new corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Doctor: Bob, you’ve got diabetes, heart problems, and obesity.
Bob: Yeah, it runs in my family.
Doctor: No, Bob, it’s because no one runs in your family.
I told my friend I could make a car out of spaghetti,
but she didn’t believe me. Well, you should’ve seen
her face when I drove pasta.
I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep;
not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
(Computer nerds only:)
Hi, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I’ll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I’m about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters,
it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I’m ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters,
does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I’m sorry, your connection has timed out… …Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?June 14, 2017 5:43 pm at 5:43 pm #1296899
What’s the difference between a duck?
Two of its legs are both the same.
(The humor in this joke is to be found in the confused look on the audience’s faces.)June 14, 2017 5:43 pm at 5:43 pm #1296900
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
What do you call a Mexican who’s lost his car?
Are you sure? Every Mexican I’ve known without a car has been Joaquin.October 19, 2017 7:50 am at 7:50 am #1386729
I went to a fight last winter, and a hockey game broke out.October 20, 2017 1:46 am at 1:46 am #1387422
LolOctober 20, 2017 1:46 am at 1:46 am #1387426
Lol [about the hockey game one, I mean] 😄October 26, 2017 7:12 am at 7:12 am #1390010
Bob was strolling past the park when he noticed a man holding a cigarette. He walked over to ask him to stop smoking in the park, but then he noticed that the cigarette was not lit. He asked the man why it’s not lit. The man looks surprised and replied, “Don’t you see the sign that says ‘No Smoking’”? Bob frowned but agreed.
Then the man took out what looked like a brick. Soon, a flock of pigeons appeared. The man told them to go away. Bob asked him why he was shooing the pigeons away. “Don’t you see the sign?” the man asked. The sign warned against feeding the pigeons. The brick was a brick of birdseed.
“If you don’t want the pigeons to eat that, why did you take that out? There aren’t any other birds here. And won’t the pigeons eat it anyway?”
“That’s their business”, the man replied. Bob was outraged. This man was clearly insane.
“Why are you doing this,” asked Bob, “what kind of insane person does this?”
The man took out a book. The title was “Why am I doing this?” with the subtitle “Answers Inside”.
Bob was so curious that he asked to read the book. But the man told him that this book was only for members of the Secret Society of Serious Serial Stenographers. Bob begged him for answers, but the man was adamant. Only members of the secret society could know. In that moment, he made his decision. He needed to know, and he had nothing else to do. He would join the Society.
The next decade of his life was spent working toward his goal. In that time, he applied for the society 30 times and worked hard at 7 different stenography jobs. After he was fired from the seventh job, and was on his way to a job interview for the eighth, the man approached him with a letter of acceptance. He was finally a member of the Society! The next day, after acing his job interview, he ran over to the Society’s headquarters to buy the book. He opened it and read it from cover to cover right there. And then he finally understood the reasons for the man’s actions in the park a decade before. It was all crystal clear.October 26, 2017 3:20 pm at 3:20 pm #1390551
But what did the book say?October 26, 2017 4:54 pm at 4:54 pm #1390612
I can’t tell you, RebYidd. You’re not in the Secret Society of Serious Serial Stenographers.December 11, 2017 7:46 am at 7:46 am #1424110
The craziest solution to a problem is probably the correct one.February 3, 2018 10:51 pm at 10:51 pm #1461720YW fanParticipant
Q: What were the Egyptian’s reactions to the 1st plague?
A: They were “dum”bstruckFebruary 6, 2018 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #1463306skripkaParticipant
THE ALL NEW CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM: (Endorsed by #JustinTrudeau)
Oh Canada / You once were a great land /We can’t mention our Patriot love / Because of your son’s command.
We might offend the sick,or upset the left / If we use the words “Strong” and “free / From Far ( Sorry if I assumed you’re not local) and wide (all body sizes are beautiful, Sorry if I offended you) Oh Canada/ Old english’s racist so we can’t say thee.
God (Or ChAllah. Or nobody if you prefer. Sorry for mentioning religion) keep our stolen land (originally the Inuit) / Glorious and free( (except for the blacks, they’re not free because of institutional racism)
Oh Canada Trudeau has destroyed thee/ Oh Ca-na-da We really are so sorry…..February 12, 2018 5:32 pm at 5:32 pm #1467411keithParticipant
Shlomo Hadad walks into his favorite bar in downtown Tel-Aviv only to find a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
“It’s not that,” Shlomo responds. “I just never thought Itzik would sell the place.”February 12, 2018 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #1467511
Why did the shevotim circumcise the people of Shechem?
When they are Jews no one cares.February 12, 2018 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #1467509
Why do the Goyim celebrate Kratzmich the night before and we celebrate Purim the night after?
They celebrate after a Jew and we celebrate after a Goy.February 12, 2018 9:04 pm at 9:04 pm #1467534
Why didn’t Yosef dream that Dinah will also bow down in front of him?
Even in a dream he would not dream that his mother in law will bow down in front of him.February 12, 2018 9:48 pm at 9:48 pm #1467546
Three individuals, a doctor, an architect and a computer programmer analyst argue what was the first profession. The doctor says it had to be surgery as it says that G-d created Eve from Adam’s ribs. The architect says, No it says earlier that G-d created heaven and earth from chaos. The programmer analyst says, and who created the chaos.February 12, 2018 10:29 pm at 10:29 pm #1467566BaltimoreMavenParticipant
Lasker: this is not a joke (Why did the shevotim circumcise the people of Shechem? When they are Jews no one cares.). It is pshat in the Parsha said by the Kli Yakar.February 13, 2018 12:29 am at 12:29 am #1467605MenoParticipant
Dinah wasn’t Yosef’s mother in law.
What’s a programmer analyst?February 13, 2018 1:20 am at 1:20 am #1467612MDGParticipant
“Dinah wasn’t Yosef’s mother in law.”
According to one Midrash, Yosef’s wife, Osnat, was Dinah’s daughter.March 4, 2018 7:21 am at 7:21 am #1480169
I was going to post a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.March 5, 2018 6:32 am at 6:32 am #1480849
This is not, on several levels, a joke, but
it did make me laugh. I quote precisely:
For Those Asking, Me And My Wife Are NOT
Divorced. However We Are Not Talking To
Each Other At This Point For Reasons I cannot
Also, For The Person Who Keeps Calling My
Accountants Number Shouting Bitconnect on
Different numbers, Please Grow UpMarch 5, 2018 12:53 pm at 12:53 pm #1481013ToiParticipant
A man decides to vacation for two weeks in England. After a week and a half of nothing but rain, he’s extremely frustrated with his chosen destination. Angrily, he calls over a boy in the street.
“Tell me boy, does it rain every day in this stupid country?”
“I don’t know, sir, I’m only seven.”March 5, 2018 12:55 pm at 12:55 pm #1481030
A programmer analyst analyzes the computer user requirements to be able to write computer instructions to satisfy their computer needs.March 5, 2018 1:06 pm at 1:06 pm #1481041
See the Daas Zekenim Mibaal Tosafos Bereshis 41:45 on ויתן לו את אסנת and he gave him Osnas. Osnas was a daughter of Shechem and Dinah. Yaakov Avinu gave her a kamaieh which she wore on her neck. Then she was thrown out, ending up in mitzraim and having Patifar adopt her, giving her his name. When Yosef was crowned, she threw the kamaieh to him. He recognized it and married her.March 5, 2018 2:28 pm at 2:28 pm #1481102
Getzel it is good that your first name is not ישעיה.
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