Jokes

  • This topic contains 2,008 replies, has 286 voices, and was last updated by  laskern 3 months ago.
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  • #1202937

    zichmich
    Member

    Little Shmueli Sharfman was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. “Mommy, why does Abba have so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.

    “Well, he thinks a lot,” replied his Mrs. Sharfman, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

    #1202938

    zichmich
    Member

    Why is it that in Israel there is a option to keep two days Purim and only one day Yom Tov?

    Because When Hashem asked the Jews of Israel if they want one or two days Yom Tov, they asked, “What are we supposed to do on Yom Tov?”

    Hashem answered: “Make seudos -eat meals” They said “We can’t afford to buy so much food. We”ll take one day”

    When Hashem asked them how many days Purim they want. They asked, “What do you do on Purim?

    Hashem answered: “You go around and collect money.”

    The Israeli Jews said: Collect Money??! Great! We”ll take two days!

    #1202939

    The Queen
    Participant

    ?

    #1202940

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    As you sit down to your seder next week please remember there is a group of people sitting down to their seder who have not had a new joke to laugh at since yetzias mitzrayim.

    #1202941

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    For those who don’t get it, there’s a joke that goes around every year about a group of people who have nothing to eat on Pesach… ashkenazim

    #1202942

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Donald Trump

    #1202943

    An engineer says, “The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.”

    #1202944

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Lol Torag613Torah

    Comlink-X come again please?

    Is this a play on the mirror joke?

    #1202946

    MDG
    Participant

    lightbrite,

    It’s based on the proverbial half filled glass. Do you see it as half full or half empty?

    #1202947

    It’s a play on the glass saying.

    #1202948

    ahron
    Participant

    dear optimist,pessimist and realist,

    while you guys were busy arguing over a cup of water,

    i drank it

    sincerely,

    the oppurtunist

    #1202950

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Wow sorry I was obviously thinking of a looking glass.

    It’s half full. There is no such thing as half empty. If there is something in it then there is something in it.

    It’s like saying half of zero. Even point-five of a glass is still half of something.

    #1202951

    ahron
    Participant

    why was my reporter joke deleted

    #1202952

    ahron
    Participant

    pls put it on i spent a long time typing it up

    #1202953

    ahron
    Participant

    cmon guys im bored

    #1202954

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Lol good joke ahron*

    *Laughing at your joke anyway. It’s just invisible.

    #1283497

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    From Wikipedia’s cow tipping article years ago:
    If you succeed in tipping a cow only partway, such that only one of its feet is still on the ground, you have created lean beef. Such a feat is well done. Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.

    #1283863

    mik5
    Participant

    The man comes to the bakery and asks if their goods are yoshon. (Yoshon literally means old.)

    Chas v’shalom, answers the owner. Everything is very fresh.

    Another joke, told over by RabbI Uri Zohar shlit”a: I am probably misstating it slightly.
    A frum guy is riding on a motorcycle. A chiloni cop follows him in the hopes of catching him break some law. After following the frum guy to his destination, the chiloni asks him: “How is it that I’ve been following you all this time and you didn’t break even one law?” The frum guy answers: “How could I do something wrong if Hashem is with me?” The chloni responds, with visible excitement: “That’s it! Now, I’ve finally caught you breaking a law! You just admitted that there were two of you on the motorcycle, and the law allows only one.”

    #1284042

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The United States of America consistently ranks 182nd in the world alphabetically.

    #1294764

    Getzel
    Participant

    Haven’t checked-in im a while. Wow this has really expanded to a long forum.

    #1296901

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

    I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.”

    I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.”

    I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.”

    I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

    I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

    I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

    I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    #1296895

    How do you make a net?
    You sew a bunch of holes together.

    A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

    This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder…

    I bought the world’s worst thesaurus last week.
    Not only is it terrible, but it is terrible.

    My thesaurus arrived yesterday, but when I opened it, it was blank inside.
    I have no words to describe how angry I am.

    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I
    accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    I told my friend that her eyebrows were too high on her head. She looked surprised.

    Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.

    What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick.

    What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
    Light blue.

    #1296896

    Why can’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
    Because they’re very good at it.

    Do you know why when geese fly in a V, one end is longer than the other?
    Because there are more geese on that end.

    Why did the old lady fall in the well?
    Because she didn’t see that well.

    Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks at the other and asks, “How do you drive this thing?”

    Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “GLUB GLUB GLUB.”

    Two birds are sitting on a perch. One asks the other, “Can you smell a fish?”

    Where do generals keep their armies?
    In their sleevies.

    How do you think the unthinkable?
    With an ithberg.

    Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
    Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    Fsh.

    #1296897

    A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
    He responds, “Just a fruit punch for me, I’m driving.” The bartender
    says, “Fine, but you have to get in line.” The patron stops and looks
    around, eventually saying, “I don’t see a punch line.”

    How do you get a hundred Canadians out of a pool?
    Say, “Would everyone please get out of the pool.”

    I know a good knock knock joke, but you need to start it.
    OK, knock knock.
    Who’s there?

    Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, “Moooo.”
    The other cow says, “Darn, I was just about to say that.”

    Two cows are standing in a field.
    One cow says, “Hey, are you nervous about mad cow disease?”
    The other responds, “Not at all – I’m a helicopter.”

    I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked
    the bucket. He said “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

    A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have…………………. a beer”.
    The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
    The bear replies, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

    A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

    Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler,
    and when I woke up, I was still exhausted.

    Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
    Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

    #1296898

    What’s got five fingers and drives a tractor? A farmhand.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Interrupting cow.
    Interrupting co-
    MOOOOOOOOO!

    My wife is always yelling at me because I get my
    directions mixed up, so I packed my bags and right.

    Those new corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    Doctor: Bob, you’ve got diabetes, heart problems, and obesity.
    Bob: Yeah, it runs in my family.
    Doctor: No, Bob, it’s because no one runs in your family.

    I told my friend I could make a car out of spaghetti,
    but she didn’t believe me. Well, you should’ve seen
    her face when I drove pasta.

    I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep;
    not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

    (Computer nerds only:)
    Hi, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.
    Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
    Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.
    OK, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.
    OK, I’ll hear a TCP joke.
    Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
    Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
    OK, I’m about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters,
    it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
    OK, I’m ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters,
    does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
    I’m sorry, your connection has timed out… …Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

    #1296899

    What’s the difference between a duck?
    Two of its legs are both the same.

    (The humor in this joke is to be found in the confused look on the audience’s faces.)

    #1296900

    What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
    Roberto.
    What do you call a Mexican who’s lost his car?
    Carlos.
    Are you sure? Every Mexican I’ve known without a car has been Joaquin.

    #1386729

    I went to a fight last winter, and a hockey game broke out.

    #1387422

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Lol

    #1387426

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Lol [about the hockey game one, I mean] 😄

    #1390010

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Bob was strolling past the park when he noticed a man holding a cigarette. He walked over to ask him to stop smoking in the park, but then he noticed that the cigarette was not lit. He asked the man why it’s not lit. The man looks surprised and replied, “Don’t you see the sign that says ‘No Smoking’”? Bob frowned but agreed.
    Then the man took out what looked like a brick. Soon, a flock of pigeons appeared. The man told them to go away. Bob asked him why he was shooing the pigeons away. “Don’t you see the sign?” the man asked. The sign warned against feeding the pigeons. The brick was a brick of birdseed.
    “If you don’t want the pigeons to eat that, why did you take that out? There aren’t any other birds here. And won’t the pigeons eat it anyway?”
    “That’s their business”, the man replied. Bob was outraged. This man was clearly insane.
    “Why are you doing this,” asked Bob, “what kind of insane person does this?”
    The man took out a book. The title was “Why am I doing this?” with the subtitle “Answers Inside”.
    Bob was so curious that he asked to read the book. But the man told him that this book was only for members of the Secret Society of Serious Serial Stenographers. Bob begged him for answers, but the man was adamant. Only members of the secret society could know. In that moment, he made his decision. He needed to know, and he had nothing else to do. He would join the Society.
    The next decade of his life was spent working toward his goal. In that time, he applied for the society 30 times and worked hard at 7 different stenography jobs. After he was fired from the seventh job, and was on his way to a job interview for the eighth, the man approached him with a letter of acceptance. He was finally a member of the Society! The next day, after acing his job interview, he ran over to the Society’s headquarters to buy the book. He opened it and read it from cover to cover right there. And then he finally understood the reasons for the man’s actions in the park a decade before. It was all crystal clear.

    #1390551

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    But what did the book say?

    #1390612

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    I can’t tell you, RebYidd. You’re not in the Secret Society of Serious Serial Stenographers.

    #1424110

    Arkham’s Razor:
    The craziest solution to a problem is probably the correct one.

    #1461720

    YW fan
    Participant

    Q: What were the Egyptian’s reactions to the 1st plague?
    A: They were “dum”bstruck

    #1463306

    skripka
    Participant

    THE ALL NEW CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM: (Endorsed by #JustinTrudeau)

    Oh Canada / You once were a great land /We can’t mention our Patriot love / Because of your son’s command.

    We might offend the sick,or upset the left / If we use the words “Strong” and “free / From Far ( Sorry if I assumed you’re not local) and wide (all body sizes are beautiful, Sorry if I offended you) Oh Canada/ Old english’s racist so we can’t say thee.

    God (Or ChAllah. Or nobody if you prefer. Sorry for mentioning religion) keep our stolen land (originally the Inuit) / Glorious and free( (except for the blacks, they’re not free because of institutional racism)
    Oh Canada Trudeau has destroyed thee/ Oh Ca-na-da We really are so sorry…..

    #1467411

    keith
    Participant

    Shlomo Hadad walks into his favorite bar in downtown Tel-Aviv only to find a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

    “It’s not that,” Shlomo responds. “I just never thought Itzik would sell the place.”

    #1467511

    laskern
    Participant

    Why did the shevotim circumcise the people of Shechem?

    When they are Jews no one cares.

    #1467509

    laskern
    Participant

    Why do the Goyim celebrate Kratzmich the night before and we celebrate Purim the night after?

    They celebrate after a Jew and we celebrate after a Goy.

    #1467534

    laskern
    Participant

    Why didn’t Yosef dream that Dinah will also bow down in front of him?

    Even in a dream he would not dream that his mother in law will bow down in front of him.

    #1467546

    laskern
    Participant

    Three individuals, a doctor, an architect and a computer programmer analyst argue what was the first profession. The doctor says it had to be surgery as it says that G-d created Eve from Adam’s ribs. The architect says, No it says earlier that G-d created heaven and earth from chaos. The programmer analyst says, and who created the chaos.

    #1467566

    BaltimoreMaven
    Participant

    Lasker: this is not a joke (Why did the shevotim circumcise the people of Shechem? When they are Jews no one cares.). It is pshat in the Parsha said by the Kli Yakar.

    #1467605

    Meno
    Participant

    Dinah wasn’t Yosef’s mother in law.

    What’s a programmer analyst?

    #1467612

    MDG
    Participant

    “Dinah wasn’t Yosef’s mother in law.”

    According to one Midrash, Yosef’s wife, Osnat, was Dinah’s daughter.

    #1480169

    I was going to post a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.

    #1480849

    This is not, on several levels, a joke, but
    it did make me laugh. I quote precisely:

    For Those Asking, Me And My Wife Are NOT
    Divorced. However We Are Not Talking To
    Each Other At This Point For Reasons I cannot
    Make Public
    Also, For The Person Who Keeps Calling My
    Accountants Number Shouting Bitconnect on
    Different numbers, Please Grow Up

    #1481013

    Toi
    Participant

    A man decides to vacation for two weeks in England. After a week and a half of nothing but rain, he’s extremely frustrated with his chosen destination. Angrily, he calls over a boy in the street.

    “Tell me boy, does it rain every day in this stupid country?”

    “I don’t know, sir, I’m only seven.”

    #1481030

    laskern
    Participant

    A programmer analyst analyzes the computer user requirements to be able to write computer instructions to satisfy their computer needs.

    #1481041

    laskern
    Participant

    See the Daas Zekenim Mibaal Tosafos Bereshis 41:45 on ויתן לו את אסנת and he gave him Osnas. Osnas was a daughter of Shechem and Dinah. Yaakov Avinu gave her a kamaieh which she wore on her neck. Then she was thrown out, ending up in mitzraim and having Patifar adopt her, giving her his name. When Yosef was crowned, she threw the kamaieh to him. He recognized it and married her.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  laskern.
    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  laskern.
    #1481102

    laskern
    Participant

    Getzel it is good that your first name is not ישעיה.

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