Have I done The Right Thing?
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- This topic has 38 replies, 26 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 3 months ago by observanteen.
February 20, 2011 11:03 pm at 11:03 pm #595182
I whent out shopping today, and saw a couple of boys seemingly 14 yr olds. One of them called out to me, “Hello! How’s it goin’?” I ignored them. I was so shocked! They look like regular yeshivish bochurim, I wouldn’t believe they would go around conversing with girls off the street! As I turned to go, one of them called, “Sorry for disturbing you.” I didn’t say anything, but, afterwards, I tought maybe I shouldv’e told him something like,”You’re not disturbing me, but, I don’t think this is exactly tznius.” It’s a pity I don’t know who they are, cuz I would’ve notified their parents. What do you think I should have done? Or, did I do the right thing by ignoring them?February 20, 2011 11:08 pm at 11:08 pm #742782TumsMember
You did the right thing. Responding would have made matters worse.February 20, 2011 11:10 pm at 11:10 pm #742783TheGoqParticipant
that was inappropriate, you did the right thing any kind of response would have just encouraged themFebruary 20, 2011 11:11 pm at 11:11 pm #742784always hereParticipant
you did the right thing.February 20, 2011 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #742785oomisParticipant
I don’t know how old you are, so maybe my response would be different depending on your age. By NOT responding, you actually WERE responding – responding that you are not going to engage in conversation with them. If you are a bit older than 14, you could have nodded and said hello then walked on and ignored them.
Personally, I have always believed that when a Yid says hello, I should respond with a hello, and move on. It has always worked for me, but not everyone would agree with me, I guess. I do think that reporting to their parents would have been an extreme reaction. So maybe it’s better you did not know who they were. Maybe they thought they recognized you from Shul or somewhere else. In any case, as long as they did not harass or try to intimidate you in any way, let that be the end of it.February 20, 2011 11:29 pm at 11:29 pm #742786jewish sourceParticipant
WE NEED YESHUOS FAST SHREKLICHFebruary 20, 2011 11:32 pm at 11:32 pm #742787
You did the right thing.
I agree.February 20, 2011 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #742788cofeefanMember
in my opinion you absolutely did the right thing! answering to them would be giving them exactly what they want…. ATTENTION!!!
its so sad that it starts so young!February 20, 2011 11:34 pm at 11:34 pm #742789dumblondeMember
observant, are you sure they were talking to you?February 20, 2011 11:47 pm at 11:47 pm #742790hudiParticipant
Yes, you did the right thing. They were trying to get your attention, and if you responded they would have got what they wanted.February 20, 2011 11:55 pm at 11:55 pm #742791
If you are a bit older than 14, you could have nodded and said hello then walked on and ignored them.
They looked like yeshiva bochurim, which means they knew better, and were not up to any good. Her response was correct.February 20, 2011 11:55 pm at 11:55 pm #742792
dumblonde: At first, I wasn’t sure. I looked again
(which was probably wrong of me) and he looked me straight in the eye and asked again, “How’s everything?”February 21, 2011 12:03 am at 12:03 am #742793ZeesKiteParticipant
I agree with you, not that you need my haskama. Her response of ignoring was probably a LOUD response.February 21, 2011 12:30 am at 12:30 am #742794dumblondeMember
well in that case i guess you did the right thing. what a sad story : (February 21, 2011 12:56 am at 12:56 am #742795
I actually think you could have said something along the lines of “This is inappropriate, and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Go do something productive with your lives”. I disagree with “Oomis” and “Zeeskeit” who say that your non-response was in effect a response because these immature and at-risk boys don’t necassarily see it that way. In their minds you were maybe just a little timid for this. All it takes is the next girl who maybe is starving for attention and then we all know where that road leads to. So although there are some valid reasons for not responding, I believe there are some valid responses as well. Either way, you “Observanteen” should not beat yourself up over this. All you can do know is read through these posts and think for yourself how you would like to react next time should something like this ever happen again. That’s what life is all about. We train ourselves to react appropriately to different situations by reflecting on our own values and experiences and working on improving ourselves. If you continuously review and refine your values and principals, eventually reacting properly to all situations in life becomes second nature and after 120 years you can return your soul to the Creator as perfect and pristine as humanly possible.February 21, 2011 12:59 am at 12:59 am #742796ItcheSrulikMember
You did the right thing. Another thing you could have done was ask politely “do I know you?” They might have actually recognized you from somewhere.February 21, 2011 1:52 am at 1:52 am #742797well meaning busy bodyMember
They might have actually recognized you from somewhere.
Still highly inappropriateFebruary 21, 2011 2:16 am at 2:16 am #742798kuperman1Member
You did the right thing they should know betterFebruary 21, 2011 2:27 am at 2:27 am #742799tutedMember
If you’re asking, then I think that there is room to err. You are not describing the whole story. Are you obviously single, so it would be construed as a flirt, then ignoring them would be appropriate. However if you are obviously older, perhaps married, they could have just be well mannered and greet you – perhaps an offer to help you load your car…”hows it goin’ sound a bit too informal, but hello sounds OK..February 21, 2011 3:07 am at 3:07 am #742800ZeesKiteParticipant
Yerach Ben Yomo:
Just my own thought.February 21, 2011 3:58 am at 3:58 am #742801
It does not sound like this was a yetzer harah issue for her. She was mortified, disappointed, and shocked at the behavior of the boys. This was not a moment of desire for her. She knew unequivocally that this behavior was unbecoming of frum boys and/or girls. Therefore she could have responded with some words of mussar without contradicting the concept you put forth. Of course if this was an issue that she herself struggles with, then ignoring the boys would have been a major victory over her yetzer harah. But this clearly was not the case. (Again I’m not saying she was wrong – I’m saying that had she responded with some sincere words of mussar, she perhaps would not have been wrong either.)February 21, 2011 4:14 am at 4:14 am #742802MDGParticipant
You did the right thing. Like hudi said above, their apology may have been a ploy to get your attention. Maybe it wasn’t. In any event, let them get the message that such narishkeit will get them ignored.February 21, 2011 4:16 am at 4:16 am #742803ckbshlMember
Im not so convinced it was the right thing..
Its not mentchlich to not respond at all.
Even on Tisha B’av we are permitted to respond to an “inappropriate” greeting with a quiet curt response.February 21, 2011 4:26 am at 4:26 am #742804aries2756Participant
Yerach Ben Yomo, why do you immediately say that these boys are “at risk”, don’t you believe that regular yeshiva boys do this shtik as well? Well YES they do!!!!
Observateen, you did the right thing. Another way to take care of such a situation depending on your age (if you are much older than they are) is to say “Do I know you? I don’t think so. Lets keep it that way”. And move on. They think they are so smart and so cute and dare each other to talk to a girl and get their attention and sometimes they need a “slap in the face” to be put back in their place. A few good embarrassing moments and they will give up.February 21, 2011 4:27 am at 4:27 am #742805popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Guys love when they get a sassy response.February 21, 2011 4:29 am at 4:29 am #742806deiyezoogerMember
The best think is not giving them any response.February 21, 2011 4:30 am at 4:30 am #742807amichaiParticipant
observant-I think you did the correct thing. take it a step further. If your teacher saw you speaking with them,even if its just to tell them to stop, you would be outta school the next day.February 21, 2011 4:31 am at 4:31 am #742808ckbshlMember
why are these boys being demonized?
maybe they are just friendly…February 21, 2011 4:42 am at 4:42 am #742809
Even on Tisha B’av we are permitted to respond to an “inappropriate” greeting with a quiet curt response.
Different kind of inappropriate.February 21, 2011 4:43 am at 4:43 am #742810
Observateen, you did the right thing. Another way to take care of such a situation…
The first way was right.February 21, 2011 5:05 am at 5:05 am #742811mom12Participant
You did the right thing 100%.
Even if you would have known any of their parents,
I’m not sure they would be able to do anything about it..
Unfortunately..February 21, 2011 5:20 am at 5:20 am #742812☕️coffee addictParticipant
why are these boys being demonized?
maybe they are just friendly…
L’Kol Zman V’Eis Tachas Hashamayim
there’s a time to “be friendly” between a boy and girl (like when they’re on a date) and there are the other times
:p> mbachur <d:February 21, 2011 6:02 am at 6:02 am #742813HaLeiViParticipant
I don’t think any response would have shocked these trouble makers. The best response was to ignore them. You won’t fix them no matter what you try.February 21, 2011 7:12 am at 7:12 am #742814kapustaParticipant
I probably would have done the same (with the slight possibility of also giving them a “tell me you’re kidding/nebech” look).February 21, 2011 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #742815
“It does not sound like this was a yetzer harah issue for her”
Yerach Ben Yomo: I am single, and I’m really working hard on my yetzer hara. BUT, I still am human. I cannot say I was competely unmoved by their actions. This is how Hashem created the world (otherwise, nobody would ever want to get married).
Thanks everyone for the encouragement! I can really use it. I asked for advice cuz I was kinda beating myself up b/c I didn’t give them mussar, but, according to most of the posts here I did the right thing. Thanks again!
kapusta: I did give them such a look;) I think that’s why they apologized (although I think it was a way of getting me into a conversation).February 21, 2011 10:47 pm at 10:47 pm #742816
I stand corrected. I understood it that you had no interest in them whatsoever.February 21, 2011 10:56 pm at 10:56 pm #742817
I wasn’t exactly interested in THEM, but, it did stir up some emotions, if y’know what I mean.February 22, 2011 12:05 am at 12:05 am #742818
I see, then you certainly did the right thing. Good for you. Every nisayon that you pass makes you stronger.February 22, 2011 12:23 am at 12:23 am #742819
Thanks. I wasn’t really trying to get to tell you “I” was right, just wanted to know WHAT’S right.
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