Home Forums Shidduchim Honesty

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    I went out with a guy on a first date that went well. It has come to my attention though that the guy lied about his workplace. The guy claimed to be working while as a matter of fact he quit his job a couple of days before. For me this is a red signal. A relationship cannot be build without Honesty. Why would he lie that he is working and talk about his job in detail when in fact he is not working anymore? My parents on the other hand think that I am overreacting and I shouldn’t be making a big deal out of it.

    My question is: Am I overreacting and just looking into every detail or is it really a big deal to be showing dishonesty in the beginning? I believe it is a big deal but perhaps I am wrong…

    am yisrael chai

    Why not ask him directly?


    I will be doing that on the next date but is it a red light?


    Perhaps your information about him having quit is mistaken.


    I think it is a red flag.

    am yisrael chai

    Possibly but not necessarily.

    Watch his response, both verbal and non-verbal. Follow up with further questions until you are satisfied.


    I agree with am yisrael chai.. Also, dont ignore it, but dont look SO much into it. If you keep going out, keep your eyes open to see if he shows this same trait in other ways.. if so, i would think it is definitely a red flag.


    Could be, could be not. It was a first date, and maybe he just didn’t want to go into details of why he left etc. but would do that on a later date.


    Yes, it most definitely is a red flag. Play your cards carefully. It’s a lifelong decision.


    I definitely would look at it as small flag but wouldnt drop it like that! Maybe he was uncomfortable to say about quitting on a first or second date not sure as to how you would take it and his coping mechanism was to talk is if everything was regular.

    What is important in relationships is communication so if you have no other reason to say no, I would say go out again, AND be bold and bring it up… you need to tell him that you know he isnt working and that you need him to be open with you and honest with you. you can see how he reacts to that and see other important parts of his personality. I can understand why he would have felt uncomfortable – not that he was right but its not necessarily a red flag – tho look out for more red flags.


    dealz; did this information that he quit come from him? or other sources that were not from his conversations.

    I suspect the guy wasn’t trying to mislead you, though I doubt any guy would feel comfortable going on a first date announcing hey btw I am unemployed. Especially if he wasn’t sure it’s nogeah meeting you for the first time. Especially these days.

    If after showing an interest and requesting a second date he continues to mislead you on the second date, then I feel you should ask him if he’s currently working there. If he lies point blank, then he is lacking integrity and you should act accordingly.


    I agree with ayc. Ask him, see how he reacts, and how he answers. Then you can see if it was a red flag.

    leah braha

    i think he was probably really embarrased to tell you on the first date that he left his job. He might not want you to think that isnt a worker. lets give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens on the second date. dont let the fact that he didnt tell you bother you.


    Leah braha;- she can’t ignore the fact that he pretended that everything was normal.It’s not that he didn’t say anything about his work and avoided the subject. He actually spoke about it as if he was still working! I definitely think it’s a red flag. Although I do agree that you should give him the benefit of the doubt. he may be a great guy, and guess what, you’re not perfect either.. Noone is He might have seen some red flags in you as well. Don;t let it bother you, unless other red flags crop up. but definitely don;t ignore it. It’s important to be allert, in order to avoid disapointment down the track chas vesholom.


    I think he may have avoided it because it was a first date. I agree with those who mentioned to ask him about it. For right now, don’t make it into a big deal but keep your eyes open for other things. (A good idea anyway when it comes to dating.)




    I think you should go easy on him. He only quit it a couple days before. Be don lekaf Zechus on this one.


    People may have advised him not to tell on the first date or until you see if there’s potential. If you decide to ask him about it, be careful not to lead him into a conversation about his job, with the purpose of testing his honesty and then confronting the lie. You could be over on”lifnei eever…”. I would ask a rav how to address it.


    Some people might think that someone who quits his job in this economy is lazy if he did quit even if thats not the reason it might reflect badly on him i think its probably a white lie or maybe he has another job lined up so he really is still employed.


    Mazal Tov dealz! I’m glad it all worked out!


    he was embarassed. maybe he also meant he was “working” as opposed to “learning”. as in thats his matziv. not meaning to say he was curently employed?


    Nu, so what happened?

    see Mazel Tov thread

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