How do I stop my wife spending??!

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  • #607631

    trim
    Member

    BH we make a decent living. However like many peple finances are always tight. We pay our cc bills in full every month BH. However any time we have a few dollars at the end of the month my wife feels as if she needs to spent. How do you deal with this??

    #1177066

    shmoel
    Member

    Cancel her credit card. Tell her what her monthly discretionary spending is. Cash only. And you only give her that much as an allowance.

    #1177067

    147
    Participant

    Place the extra Dollars into a non-redeemable savings account, before these extra Dollars may be spent.

    #1177068

    americaisover
    Participant

    say this is what a wife if for a nisayon for me to get angry but I wont.

    #1177069

    interjection
    Participant

    troll

    #1177070

    Doswin
    Member

    Give her a debit card (which you cannot spend more than is put into the account) rather than a credit card.

    #1177071

    midwesterner
    Participant

    Hey interjection: Did someone push one of your buttons?

    #1177072

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Don’t use credit cards. Only use cash. Give her access to the cash, but it will still register on her that she is spending.

    #1177073

    shinina
    Member

    maybe bef posting ur problems on a public forum u should sit down and tlk to her……. shes an adult right and wht do adults do if they have a disagreement about something, they sit down and tlk it out. Try it you’ll be amazed what a simple conversation can accomplish.

    #1177074

    MorahRach
    Member

    Cancel her credit card? Are women so oppressed in your world that you thought your response was appropriate? I am far from a feminist but that it absurd. Many if not most women in the yeshivish world now adays bring in more money than their spouses. Women are either working hard staying home with their children, or working hard out of the house to bring in the money. Have an open discussion with your wife, not us. And for heavens sake don’t treat her like insubordinate child.

    #1177075

    shinina
    Member

    MorahRach, amen

    #1177076

    trim
    Member

    I have tried disscussing many times. When it comes to $……..

    #1177077

    squeak
    Participant

    Open a trust in her name and stipulate exactly how the funds can be used. Your funds should be banked offshore in a nonnamed account.

    #1177078

    welldressed007
    Participant

    when you figure it out please let us all know or better still write a book it is guaranteed to be a best seller

    #1177079

    ChanieE
    Participant

    And maybe she thinks you’re a cheapo who has no idea what it costs to run a household. The two of you, together, need to understand your spending habits and what money means to you.

    #1177080

    shinina
    Member

    trim, instead of playing the blame game next time u tlk about it try asking her how she thinks u can solve the problem, ask her if she has any ideas, this way its not just u vs her, rather ur a couple working out there differences together.

    #1177081

    shinina
    Member

    and pls dont hide the money from her, that will make things much much worse. You’ll lose respect for her and she’ll lose respect for u and thats not good.

    #1177082

    chalilavchas
    Member

    trim, we are all products of our environments.

    Do you live in a neighborhood where to fit in and be popular, you and your children have to look, walk, talk, think like others, be a clone of those who are considered popular, lest you be looked down at, like either a rachmonus or lacking “taste”? Maybe people who dont keep up, just dont fit in there and arent admired.

    #1177083

    As a woman I can say that if I were your wife I would appreciate an open and honest discussion about finances. If you are the sole financial supporter of the household it is ultimately your decision what happens with extra money, but at least you need to understand where each other are coming from in terms of how that money is spent. Interesting that the other women commenting say the same thing. 😉

    #1177084

    WIY
    Member

    Trim

    Maybe discuss with her that you think ite necessary to save for a rainy day or better yet go down to your bank and have your banker talk to both of you and explain why its smart and even necessary to have savings. You never want to have to come on to other people chas veshalom.

    #1177085

    hershi
    Member

    The OP wrote that he already had a conversation with his wife and that it didn’t help.

    #1177086

    Maybe it wasn’t a productive conversation. Maybe it could be approached differently.

    #1177087

    charliehall
    Participant

    “How do I stop my wife spending?”

    You probably can’t. But this can indeed be a big problem in a marriage. If she can’t control her spending and thinks she might want help, she should try Debtors Anonymous. There are many meetings in New York; a directory is at http://www.danyc.org. There are many frum Jews who have found relief there. For more information and to find meetings outside of New York try http://www.debtorsanonymous.org.

    #1177088

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Charlie, nice to hear from you. How’s everything?

    #1177089

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Make sure your budget is realistic. I don’t mean evaluate it yourself.

    Clearly you already think it’s realistic.

    It might be time to talk with others who can honestly help you understand not just household expenses, but the needs of a woman.

    Budgets that are not being followed may mean they’re not truthfully agreed upon.

    An extremely tight unforgiving budget can feel like prison to a woman. She might feel the need for a haircut, makeup, a new skirt, and the budget you’ve set up may not give her at least some of the freedom she feels she needs to take care of herself.

    A man’s assessment of a woman’s needs might be WAY off.

    Loving her means giving her what she needs to feel good about herself, within reason.

    It sounds like you need an outsider to help you figure out what “within reason” should mean.

    #1177090

    Health
    Participant

    trim – It’s easy for anyone to spend male or female, but it’s very hard to do the income part.

    I’d say to divorce her, but you’ll end up spending a thousand times more in our American society for the whole process and afterwards.

    So if nothing has been working so far -it’s time for a marital therapist/counselor.

    G-luck.

    #1177091

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Once a budget is agreed upon, I think you should divide the leftover dollars into two places:

    Discretionary spending money for each of you (for the occassional wants) and a savings account (for long term emergencies or anticipated expenditures) in a bank that’s not easily accessed, that you both agree upon.

    The portion of discretionary funds you each receive should be allowed to be spent without questions or evaluations. She wants a facial and has money? Her choice.

    You want tickets to a ball game or a new tie to add to the tons you have already? Your choice.

    #1177093

    shmendrick
    Member

    Reminds me of the one liner:

    Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    #1177094

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    How do I stop my wife spending??!

    Why are you spending wives?

    Sorry, couldn’t resist.

    The Wolf

    #1177095

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Wolf,

    Similar to the famous Henny Youngman joke?

    #1177097

    Doswin
    Member

    DaasYochid: I notice you are frequently up to date with pop culture. How are you so familiar with it?

    #1177098

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    DaasYochid: I notice you are frequently up to date with pop culture. How are you so familiar with it?

    Henny Youngman jokes are “up to date????”

    The Wolf

    #1177099

    Doswin
    Member

    What do I know? All I notice are his semi-frequent citing what are obvious pop culture references. I never heard of Henny Youngman before (in fact, until you repeated her name I misread DY as saying *Henry* Youngman), but it is an obvious reference to some pop culture.

    #1177100

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I don’t think Henny Youngman is very “pop” nowadays.

    Oh, and it’s a “he”. “Take my wife…please!” would likely be a man’s quote.

    #1177101

    Doswin
    Member

    Henny is a he? A lot I know! Anyways, how are you so familiar with the pop culture of yesteryear?

    #1177102

    funnybone
    Participant

    You aren’t very clear if she is spending on necessities or luxuries. Is she holding herself back from spending on the months where you don’t have $$$? Shouldn’t you appreciate that instead of being upset when she does spend?

    #1177103

    golfer
    Participant

    We live in an interesting world. We can dance gangnam style at chasunas, but Henny Youngman is out of bounds (possibly because his name sounds feminine?). I vote we bring back H Youngman jokes. If we go over the cliff, there isn’t going to be any discretionary spending to argue over. We may as well have something left to laugh at.

    #1177104

    rebdoniel
    Member

    I was kind of shocked that I went to a frum wedding where there were Hassidishe family members on both sides, and Rav Eliezer Ginsburg was the mesadder kiddushin, and they had heavy metal, the pop song “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz, and other type songs that I never even listen to before I became frum because I knew they were immoral.

    Yet, Henny Youngman is no good? Come on, now.

    #1177105

    greatest
    Member

    If shes spending it at Jewish establishments, you can reclaim any monies from them that she spent there without your authorization, as she halachicly needs your permission to spend the money. This is true even regarding her salary, as it’s yours unless she previously arranged with you otherwise (that you aren’t responsible for her upkeep.)

    #1177106

    mms601
    Participant

    Limit the days of the week that shes allowed to leave the house. The less time available to spend money, the less money will be spent.

    #1177107

    MorahRach
    Member

    Am I overly gullible or is this the actual mindset of main stream yeshivish?

    #1177108

    Wisey
    Participant

    Ask someone whom she respects to talk to her.

    #1177109

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Am I overly gullible or is this the actual mindset of main stream yeshivish?

    The former, I’m afraid (or perhaps, thankful).

    The Wolf

    #1177110

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    MorahRach,

    You are being gullible. This is a troll.

    It’s definitely not the mainstream yeshivish attitude.

    #1177111

    WIY
    Member

    Morah Rach and Daas Yochid

    The problem that Trim seems to be having is a valid one that plagues many marriages. It is quite frequent especially in our society to be a shopaholic or even a spendthrift. I know people who just waste money on the stupidest things and its money they shouldnt be wasting.

    I wouldn’t be so quick to shoot this down as a troll thread. Morah, you should realize that people often post replies that are jokes and sarcasm or just respond without really thinking it through. Some replies are serious so you have to do a lot of sifting. If you spend (read waste) enough time here you will get a handle of different peoples answering style and what they really hold about certain issues.

    #1177112

    commonsense
    Participant

    No one here has heard the wife’s side. There are two sides to every story. Maybe what trim considers wasting money, she considers necessities that she waits to buy when there is a little extra money. we have no idea what she is spending on. is she buying jewelry or maybe just a shabbos treat? Until we know more it is not fair to assume she is a spendthrift. Maybe they need to go to a Rov they trust and present both sides of the story and let him decide if she is justified in her spending instead of us deciding she is wrong knowing only his opinion.

    #1177113

    golfer
    Participant

    MorahRach, No, this is not the mindset of main stream yeshivish. If anything “main stream yeshivish” will show up on the radar slightly more respectful of their wives than general population.

    #1177114

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    WIY,

    I wasn’t suggesting that the OP is a troll or that it’s not a valid discussion, just that the posts suggesting that the wife be locked up and such were posted by a troll.

    #1177115

    2scents
    Participant

    You should work this out with your wife, either do the bills together, and put away the extra money for savings.

    If she still wants to spend the money, then it is not a spending issue, its more of a disagreement (shalom bayis) issue.

    Credit cards does not really give the impression that you are spending money, start using cash.

    #1177116

    Das
    Member

    Health – Not sure if you were serious or not but it doesn’t sound like they’re having such major marriage problems that would require divorce or therapy c”v. Although seeking advise from rabbanim and other knowledgeable people is always a good idea, you seem to imply that their marriage is on the rocks. Every one has differences and arguments in a marriage (and this is a pretty typical one) – nothing wrong with that! Question is how to deal with it.

    Trim – how about suggesting to her – without even mentioning her spending habit, that you think it’s a good idea to start a savings acct, or CD, etc. – give her a good excuse/reason (for the kid’s weddings, buy a house- whatever will work for her.) Decide together on a certain percentage or amount of what you earn each month will go into this acct. Then if you can afford and there’s still a few dollars left, if she really wants, let her buy something sometimes! It’s ok to OCCASIONALLY splurge on yourself (or spouse) as long as it’s in control. If there’s no extra, maybe she won’t feel the need to spend.

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