How do you pay for your child's wedding?

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  • #616268

    shuli
    Participant

    I don’t know how people make these big, fancy weddings without filing for bankruptcy the next day.

    Do you take out a loan? Remortgage your home?

    Is this a normal thing to do in the yeshivish world?

    And why are the parents paying for this?

    Is there a source for this anywhere in Torah, that the parents of the chosson and kallah make them a wedding? Or are the couples paying for it as well?

    Is there a reason we don’t make the weddings in a shul or in a home, like a bris or Bar Mitzva?

    I’m trying to figure out how the whole system works, and after being at a few frum weddings ( which were all beautiful, just by the way) I don’t understand how this is being done. Especially when these parents are also paying tuition for their younger children, seminary, etc.

    #1099527

    Joseph
    Participant
    #1099528

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    When each kid was borne, we put 5,000 pounds in an investment account, and then don’t let them get married until it equals 20,000.

    #1099529

    Health
    Participant

    shuli -“I don’t know how people make these big, fancy weddings without filing for bankruptcy the next day.

    Do you take out a loan? Remortgage your home?

    Is this a normal thing to do in the yeshivish world?

    And why are the parents paying for this?”

    It’s easy! The other side paid for Everything. And I still don’t know – WHY!

    #1099530

    ED IT OR
    Participant

    POPAS DEALING IN POUNDS?

    #1099531

    lesschumras
    Participant

    You can’t have it both ways. If you have shidduch dating starting at 19 and neither the boy or girl has worked, how do they pay for even the simplest wedding? The prevailing custom among many non Jews is for the couple to save and pay for their own wedding

    #1099532

    blubluh
    Participant

    I think it’s really important question. even in towns where the local Vaad instituted cost caps on such affairs and the community adhered to them, the costs are still very high

    While I do like the idea of putting aside money each year for each child, that takes a lot of commitment and sacrifice (mazal, too) considering other major expenses a family typically faces over the same period, housing and tuition being obvious examples.

    I think it will take a lot of courage on the part of well known, respected and well-to-do families to trail-blaze a new approach to weddings and make them less about the pomp and circumstance and more about emotionally supporting the new couple. Once classy, wealthy people make it fashionable, there will be far less pressure on those of lesser means to over-extend themselves to keep up appearances.

    #1099533

    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    OK, Health, how does the other side pay for it.

    #1099534

    skripka
    Participant

    with money

    #1099535

    TheGoq
    Participant

    What really bothers me is the enormous need for parnassah sometimes trumps ethics and even laws.

    #1099536

    Health
    Participant

    Goq – speak to yourself! I’m Yeshivsh and Erlich & lawful.

    #1099537

    TheGoq
    Participant

    ok health you can wear blinders if you choose to.

    #1099538

    cherrybim
    Participant

    Some very important items to know if you are worried about paying for weddings:

    #1099539

    Poster
    Member

    Shuli, BH there are many yidden that are very well to do. They have good going businesses and have a lot of money.

    I spoke to someone that made a lavish wedding and he told me he doesnt even feel that he is missing any money now after the wedding. All the money he spent was extra money that he has.

    #1099540

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Concerning support; unless the fellow is a super talmud chochim and learns 24/7, the sacrifice is not worth it.

    I strongly disagree.

    Obviously, what you wrote is a guzma, but the fact that you used such a big one tells me that you and I have very different ideas about his big of a masmid/talmid chochom is worth supporting.

    #1099541

    skripka
    Participant

    i find the simchas that aren’t lavish and fancy and are actually geared towards the chosson and kallahs enjoyment, and not the parents kovod to be a lot more enjoyable

    #1099542

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    One of the main arguments Jewish anti-feminists use is that raising children and being a wife is to a woman what learning is to a man. If so, shouldn’t people be supporting the girl in her life’s work?

    #1099543

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    One of the main arguments Jewish anti-feminists use is that raising children and being a wife is to a woman what learning is to a man.

    Not the way you’re using it.

    #1099544

    golfer
    Participant

    Cherrybim, those four little words – “is not worth it” – bother me.

    You can tell me the exact worth of any commodity or investment.

    There is no way you can presume to determine with even a partial degree of accuracy the worth of sacrifice for any amount of Torah.

    #1099545

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Good point, golfer, although one could argue that the money could be used to support Torah in a more efficient manner.

    #1099546

    Health
    Participant

    Goq – “ok health you can wear blinders if you choose to”

    I know exactly what goes on, but don’t make general statements!

    #1099547

    Abba_S
    Participant

    Either plan a head and start saving about $100 a month when they are 10 or borrow the money, such as a loan against insurance, second mortgage etc.

    Make a budget and stick to it. Don’t have a fancy wedding, have it during the week when it’s cheaper. Ask about the package deals hall, photographer, florist & band for one price. Ask the other parents to chip in.

    As far as supporting the newly weds if you are having problem spaying for the wedding which is $7,000 – $20,000.00 on the low side, I don’t think you are in a position to support them financially and you should explain it to them.

    #1099548

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    If you have problems paying for the wedding, you shouldn’t be forced to pay. It’s not your wedding.

    #1099549

    from Long Island
    Participant

    I married off 3 daughters We put aside 10 dollars a week for each (in an envelope, and put into an account every couple of months) you would be surprised how much we accumulated.

    While it did not cover the cost of everything, it was a great start

    #1099550

    shuli
    Participant

    Thanks for the responses, guys.

    I would love to see, as someone suggested, a well-to-do/classy family making a simple wedding and setting a trend.

    #1099551

    flyer
    Participant

    why should the well to do make a simple wedding just because you (the not wealthy) think they have to have everything that others do. The same way I tell my kids they don’t need/can’t have a, b, or c – make a wedding within budget. there are so many ways today where you can make a wedding within a budget. yes you do need some money and it is very hard to save up. I think most of the time it is the parents who want the fancier things by the weddings not the chosson kalla

    #1099552

    TheGoq
    Participant

    “What really bothers me is the enormous need for parnassah sometimes trumps ethics and even laws.”

    health i believe my use of the word sometimes precludes it from being a blanket statement i await your apology.

    #1099553

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Goq, I think you owe Health the apology. He claimed to be yeshivish and erlich, and your response was to say he’s wearing blinders.

    You actually owe the apology to anyone who considers themselves yeshivish, because the implication was indeed that it’s not possible to be yeshivish and erlich.

    I know that’s not how you think, but that’s how it came across.

    #1099554

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    I am pretty certain goqs response was to healths rude “speak to yourself” comment, implying his observation was shtuss. Goq, who never mentioned yeshivish and never stated or implied that yeshivish people can’t be honest even explained that he wasn’t generalizing in his next post.

    Not liking his comment is not the same as it not being something that is actually found among some (not all or even most) people.

    #1099555

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Thank you Syag, DY the frum velt is a wonderful community that is caring and generous but there are some who bend the rules/laws to increase their parnassah because there is such a great monetary demand due to living a frum lifestyle.

    #1099556

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Of course it’s true with some; the gemara says there’s a tremendous yetzer hora for gezel, and I made no comment implying otherwise.

    I do sometimes wonder why some people seem to like to view the frum community in the worst possible light.

    #1099558

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    feel free to wonder all you want, but trying to tie it in to Goq and I is just wrong.

    #1099559

    cherrybim
    Participant

    “I have very different ideas about his big of a masmid/talmid chochom is worth supporting.”

    True, we don’t agree; but maybe you have deeper pockets than I do. If my son-in-law is not a serious learner; I’d rather he work and learn; like I do. I could use the support money to pay my own bills.

    #1099560

    Health
    Participant

    DaasYochid – “Goq, I think you owe Health the apology”

    Thank you! I think some people think that by using the word “sometimes” that we can’t figure out what they’re really saying. And the Chutzpah of some people to defend this, I can’t understand!

    #1099561

    nfgo3
    Member

    Best way: have only boys and follow the old goyishe practice of requiring the bride’s family to pay.

    Second best way: cash. Most caterers insist.

    #1099562

    Happy Go Lucky!!
    Participant

    How to pay for a child’s wedding?

    Simple.

    If you can cook up a storm, one way. If you can host all the guest on your own, another way. If you can play music for them (and dance too), that will also do…

    #1099563

    technical21
    Participant

    I don’t know, it seems to me that the standards we have nowadays for weddings are outlandish. Why is it necessary to make a wedding with a minimum of 400 people? Why must we make our weddings in halls whose costs fly through the roof?

    Why does every event surrounding a wedding- l’chaim, vort, Shabbos kallah, aufruf, Sheva Brachos- have to be so elaborate and expensive?

    Obviously, when I get married, I’m going to want my simcha to be on par with everyone else’s… but, you know what? As I have attended more and more of my friends’ simchos, I have been mentally keeping track of what costs I think are unnecessary and can be cut out. I would keep a wedding small, more intimate, and more focused on the simcha rather than the accoutrements.

    #1099564

    technical21
    Participant

    And my parents would be absolutely thrilled! I have a friend whose parents forced her to have a wedding in an extremely fancy and pricey hall, just as a show for her father’s business contacts. My parents are low-key and would love to make a small wedding.

    #1099565

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Health please explain you’re unique translation of sometimes.

    This will be my last post on this topic you cannot have a rational conversation with people who imply the worst from truly inoffensive posts. There is reading between the lines and reading what is not there. Methinks he doth protest too much.

    #1099566

    miritchka
    Member

    This particular subject scares me to no end. Although my children are not anywhere near shidduch age yet, its a scary thought.

    I do try to put money aside and daven all the time that we should never have to borrow or ask for money for a wedding. I know that if we do our hishtadlus, Hashem will come through. He always does. I’m working on having this bitachon at all times so the fear doesnt get to me. one step at a time…

    #1099567

    Excellence
    Participant

    In the old yiddish days people would bring their own food to the reception.

    #1099568

    Health
    Participant

    miritchka -“This particular subject scares me to no end. Although my children are not anywhere near shidduch age yet, its a scary thought.”

    How is it SCARY?!? “It’s easy! The other side paid for Everything.” Have B’tochon in Hashem.

    #1099569

    Abba_S
    Participant

    Health

    If you put away $100 per month into a long term high yielding mutual fund over 20 years, you should have more than enough to cover it. It is not that hard in this day and age when you have automatic payments from your checking account for your bills to have $100 deducted from your bank account to the mutual fund account

    #1099570

    Health
    Participant

    Abba_S – “Health -If you put away $100 per month into a long term high yielding mutual fund over 20 years, you should have more than enough to cover it.”

    I sometimes never had $100, let alone to put it away! When it came to make a Chasunah, the other side paid for almost everything. I believe that Hashem is in charge of Parnasah, so He would not leave me hanging!

    #1099571

    Abba_S
    Participant

    Health

    I hope you mean that after all your expenses you didn’t have $100 to put away because it could be interpreted to mean that you didn’t earn $100. per month or $1,200.00 per year. Even if you are on SSI they give more than that.

    What you need to do is a Cheshburn HaNefesh or budget to see where all your monthly income goes. About 20 years ago, I could barely make ends meet I made a budget and decided I didn’t need a car as I live in Brooklyn. The money saved I put in a mutual Fund and 5 years later I had enough to make a down payment on a house.

    I still don’t have a car but I paid off my mortgage in 15 years.

    Basically you are saying that you have faith in Hashem and he will arrange someone else to pay your debt. I on the other hand am supporting two sons who are learning, want to teach people to be self sufficient and it isn’t hard, it just requires making a budget and delaying gratification sometimes.

    I hope I didn’t offend anyone. Wishing you all a Happy Healthy and Prosperous New Year

    #1099572

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    “The money saved I put in a mutual Fund and 5 years later I had enough to make a down payment on a house.

    I on the other hand am supporting two sons who are learning, want to teach people to be self sufficient and it isn’t hard, it just requires making a budget and delaying gratification sometimes. “

    GROAN

    “I hope I didn’t offend anyone.”

    well you can keep hoping because you probably offended anyone who is struggling to make ends meet and anxious about their children’s needs but if only they would just “delay their gratification”.

    #1099573

    cv
    Participant

    “The money saved I put in a mutual Fund and 5 years later I had enough to make a down payment on a house.”

    *

    If you did not buy a car, because you do not have money for this purchase, you did not save anything. Because you can’t save something you don’t have.

    #1099574

    fathousewife
    Participant

    an hour, a mask and a gun

    #1099575

    Abba_S
    Participant

    CV

    I had a car and using it for shopping and moving it from side to side due to alternate side of the street parking and visiting on the weekends. I took the subway to work and still do. The savings was from not having to pay for gas, insurance and maintenance.

    Syag

    I know where you coming from I was in the same position. I was renting had tuition and was making less then $50K per year with 5 kids in a one bedroom apartment. My parents were retired and could not help financially. I needed a house.

    With Hashem’s insight I made a budget and saw I could save a few thousand $ a year if I got rid of the car. That money invested in Scudder Mutual Fund over 5 years was enough to put a down payment on a house.

    Try to make a budget all you have to do is add up all the income and all the expenses you had for the month.It doesn’t cost you anything just to do that. Now look at your expenses see if there is someway to reduce expenses buy store brand instead of name brand, buy food staples such as tuna or cereal when they are on sale.

    If you try Hashem will help and you will succeed as it say the path that one want to travel (Hashem) will make him travel.

    #1099576

    Health
    Participant

    Abba_S – “Health -I hope you mean that after all your expenses you didn’t have $100 to put away because it could be interpreted to mean that you didn’t earn $100. per month or $1,200.00 per year. Even if you are on SSI they give more than that.”

    I meant what I said. Not e/o gets SSI!

    “What you need to do is a Cheshburn HaNefesh”

    I think you need to! Do you believe there is No such thing as a poor person???

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