How to help someone who doesn't want to be helped

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  • #600754
    oot for life
    Participant

    My chevrusa and I were discussing the following last night: We knew a guy who was mamash incredible in yeshiva. Shteiged like crazy and was on top of every sugia. He left yeshiva some time ago to attend to some family matters and nebuch one tzar after another happened. Many years ago this friend had been a difficult kid and had gotten into some drugs, but before going to yeshiva really cleaned up. It seems in light of all of his tzarous he’s gone back to these things to help dull the pain. He’s not shy about it, I don’t know if his rabbeim know, but he’s a shomer shabbos yid who’s struggling. But he’s hurting himelf and doesn’t realize it, and feels in no way does it dampen his yidishkeit. My chevrusa and I want to help him, but how do you help a guy who thinks everything is fine?

    #829278
    BTGuy
    Participant

    I suggest he knows things are not fine but is ok with things at this level, even though they are not ok. Just know that Hashem is in this with you and will do a lot, but all you can do, the way I see it, is go light and easy with him and dont lose track of him. Keep in eye on him and converse with him, encouraging him a little at a time to get back on track. He is lucky you are watching out for him. Hatzlacha!

    #829279
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    There is so little to say without knowing his personality and undersatnding you whole relationship with him. The only general advice is to get into a heart to heart conversation and eventually ask him if he really thinks it’s going in the right direction.

    Since you say that he learns well, how about making a Chavrusashaft with him?

    #829280
    A Heimishe Mom
    Participant

    Just be there. That’s all. Do not force a conversation – he will smell it out right away and shut down. Underneath it all he knows its harmful but he is hurting very badly and his addictive tendancies will be with him for life. He needs your support when HE is ready to open up. If you can learn his patterns you can try to engage him in other activities during his worst times – even out of the Beis Medrash eg the handball court or track etc. You can approach a rav or rosh yeshiva who can be in touch with him and/or his family – a rav is not a “friend” who is badgering but rather a teacher/mentor and it will be taken differently.

    And of course, Tefillah is the key to everything. Add his name to your tehillim list – but not the mishaberach list in shul!

    #829281
    apushatayid
    Participant

    “I don’t know if his rabbeim know”

    If they dont, tell them. If they do, let them deal with it.

    #829282
    aries2756
    Participant

    The only way to help a troubled kid is unconditional love. You respect the person but you dont have to respect his choices. You support him in his sobriety but never his addiction. You can offer him food but never money that he can use for drugs. You love but never trust. You listen to understand. You ask him what kind of support he needs? You ask him what kind of support you can offer him.

    You never leave your car keys or money where he can be tempted to steal them. You invite him for dinner or lunch. You make sure he has a warm coat but if he loses it (sold it for drugs) then you don’t ask him what happened to it or offer to buy him another one. You tell him that you care about him and that you are his friend and whether you think he hears you or not he does. It will mean a lot to him. He will remember your words when he is alone and hurting. It is very important for kids who are hurting and are in pain to know that they are NOT alone and NOT forgotten; That people care about them and there is a reason for them to care about themselves and work towards getting help and climb out of the dark place.

    The most important thing to remember is who YOU are and that YOU have to keep moving up and not let his pain and his problems bring you down. Misery loves company so make sure YOU are NOT the company. It is very easy to fall into the trap of feeling another’s very real and very agonizing pain and trying to be in the moment with them to understand them. That is NOT how you are supposed to understand them. You are supposed to understand that their pain is very real, but you are supposed to also understand that self medicating that pain to avoid the causes of the pain is destructive and detrimental to his emotional and physical well being. The right way to handle it is to seek therapeutic assistance. Most kids don’t know how to ask for help or how to find the assistance they need to heal from such pain. The more support a kid has to find the appropriate help they need the more chance they have to reach out to get the appropriate help they need to recover from their demons and their issues that cause their burdens and their pain.

    #829283
    Health
    Participant

    oot for life -I see nothing wrong with approaching him and saying I know you’re a drug addict & I want to help. Don’t be scared that he will deny it because even if he won’t admit it, all druggies know that it’s wrong deep down! He might deny the addiction or tell you so what, but don’t be pushed off because of this. Make sure you have researched it first and know where he can get a Doc who will give the right medicine and know of a therapist that deals with this and how to contact NA. Feel free to post any other questions here -I have some medical training including drug addiction.

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