How to say "no" HELP

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    Sorry for repeating similar topics but this is a specific case I need help with…

    How does someone say no when they themselves are the ones doing the shidduchim etc and the shadchan (not professional) is a close friend, redt-ing their close relative?

    The reason I actually don’t want to go out with her: She isn’t “up to my tznius standards” in a very standard way… but the shadchan violates this all the time as well…

    Thanks in advance


    “She is not Frum enough for me”

    ☕️coffee addict

    thanks I’ll look into it, and avoid the topic


    Say that she is too fat.

    If the problem is that they speak hebrew and you don’t know how, you say “??? ????? ?????”.


    Sorry, maybe I didn’t emphasize that a vague one-liner won’t do it because I’ll be asked to explain…

    popa showing off them skillzzz


    why cant you say the truth but without details?


    I don’t think a shadchan would be offended if your personal preference for a shidduch is someone who’s more makpid/machmir on certain things than they are – I know I certainly wouldn’t be.

    Just be respectful.


    You don’t “owe” the shadchan a reason. You’re perfectly within your rights to simply say no.

    Of course, the shadchan would then be within his/her rights to not find anyone else for you.

    The Wolf


    Thank the shadchan for the suggestion & tell her how much you appreciate the time & effort she put into suggesting such a quality suggestion for you. You can say that you did quite a bit of reseach into the girl & really heard very nice things, but based on the info you got – it sounds like “hashkafah-wise” it isn’t on target. You don’t have to elaborate, just firmly tell the shadchan that this shidduch isn’t going to work & you want to save everyone (you, the girl & the shadchan) the time & headache of going out with a person who isn’t on target for you. You should thank her again & say that you look foward to hearing other suggestions from her.


    adorable- because I’ll be asked for details… it won’t just stop there

    I can only try- I’m worried that since it isn’t an issue about a chumra or being machmir, I feel disrespectful bringing it up as a chisaron… its the equivalent of the girl not covering her collar bone, not just that she doesn’t hold Rabbeinu Tam zmanim. Also I’ve never rejected somebody before so I’m worried about the person’s feelings. She’ll push for a reason from the shadchan too…



    First of all, I commend your sesitivity and caring for yenem’s feelings, and hope this mida continues with your (IY”H, bs”t) future wife.

    It’s not pleasant getting a “no”, but it’s part of the shidduch scene – just be as kind about it as possible.

    It’s quite possible the girl doesn’t even know you’ll turn her down – usually the guy is asked if he’s interested first.

    I understood your post was tznius related, and that it was something that you regard as quite black-and-white wrong.

    Even in situations like this, simply saying “She sounds like a nice girl, but xyz is very important for me, so I’ll have to say no” should’nt be offensive.

    There are many tznius-related factors – I won’t discuss them here – that different people have different levels of observance/hakpoda on.

    Hatzlocha raba.


    would you be able to just say I know you might not understand but its really not for me. dont want to go into details and I hope you will respect that (after all shidduchim are a personal matter) but thank you so much for thinking bout me.


    Thanks all for your responses… we’ll see what happens


    why say ”no”?

    why not say ”yes” and then tell the person redding the shidduch you will be happy to call the girl once you finish receiving your message from the space shuttle.

    then proceed to tap on the table with a spoon.



    I’m trying to work on my passive aggressiveness…


    Why not say yes, anyway, and possibly meet the girl who is right for you? Maybe you have the wrong impression.


    If you explain it politely and don’t mention the shadchan’s lapses at all, I can almost gaurantee she won’t be offended. After all, the shadchante is human and you’re talking about faults. It probably won’t even occur to her that she has the same issue.


    Or, preface your statement with many disclaimers, such as: I don’t think she’s less Frum than me, but I wanted to go a certain route that I see her dressing doesn’t match.

    I would advise however that you speak this over will relatives who’s opinion you trust. Perhaps what you notice is a minor issue that she can change on demand. She might be dressing up to a standard that she feels would be Shidduch inducing. Once she is engaged to someone who does not appreciate that way of dressing she might just switch. This needs someone who knows both of you well enough (besides the Shadchan).


    HaLeiVi: Even if that is the case, it is still chasaron that someone dresses inappropriately to enhance her appeal, she hopes, in finding a shidduch. It is not justifiable by any means.


    Just to put this all in perspective, nobody would want to date someone who wears tanktops in public, for example. This isn’t quite that extreme, but it isn’t a sufficient resolution for me to just ask her to stop… it reflects on who she is, now, hashkafically. And this is a close friend who I can’t give a superficial answer to, and who wouldn’t accept a superficial answer for her relative. And whatever I say will be reported to said relative. And I would feel bad just going on the date to keep everybody happy and give it a try… I’m wasting everybody’s time and I probably wouldn’t enjoy myself at all because I already have all these notions.


    so what did you tell them? I see why this is tough for you but you can be very close to someone and not tell them why a certain girl is not for you. I think the less you talk the better


    Its much safer to say what you “are” looking for, as opposed to saying what this suggestion lacks. That way, its not you doing the rejection, its just a mis-understanding

    Besides, if you tell people what you are really looking for, they might know someone like that. Could be the mis-match was due to a lack of a clear message (from either end)


    lots of shidduchim issues come from a miscommunication. same goes for lots of problems in every relationship.


    I like lkwdfellow’s suggestion best. Good luck!


    I haven’t said anything yet. I’m not sure you all understand where I’m coming from (I dont mean that in a bad way, there is no simple answer to this issue)

    I’m not in discussions with a shadchan… this is a person who wants me to go out with their relative… So telling them what I’m looking for wouldnt work…

    Also, i dont think this middleman is aware of that this person has these qualities… and will be blind to seeing it.

    again, im not expecting an easy answer. It’s a real pickle.

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