How to say no to a date

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  • #603975
    i love coffe
    Participant

    A Shadchan recomended me someone to go out with and after 1 date I knew that it’s not for me. Usually I don’t say no after one date but this time I really felt like I didn’t want to go out again. I told the Shadchan no and the Shadchan told me that it’s a little immature to say no after the first date but wasn’t going to push me. So I told the Shadchan that I was going to think about it and call back later. Now I feel horrible because really I don’t want to go out again but I don’t want to sound immature and that I judge people after 1 date. How could I fix this without sounding so bad?

    #882408

    I don’t think its right for me, and not interested in wasting this guys time

    #882409
    ZeesKite
    Participant

    Sometimes one has to be assertive, especially in matters that affect one’s entire future life. To the shadchan in question, it’s just another number, to you it’s your life.

    Why don’t you try what I probably would; ask the shadchan how to say no to him/her without sounding so bad.

    #882410
    dunno
    Member

    I had the same issue. I was debating back and forth until I decided that since it just won’t be there’s no reason to waste his time and my time. Let’s hope I wasn’t blacklisted by that shadchan ๐Ÿ™‚

    #882411
    tahini
    Member

    You are obviously being thoughtful and are anxious not to cause offence, but you are quite right too. Don’t be made to feel that you must go on another date because the shadchan says so. You can politely decline, saying the date was obviously a nice person but not for you, you could detect there was no chemistry and do not wish to lead anyone on.

    Chemistry is very important, not often discussed but crucial if a couple are actually going to get along, sure you need to have things in common, but you cannot be forced to find somone attractive. Be firm but polite and defend yourself, it is harder to let someone down after a serious of dates then just one.

    #882412
    i love coffe
    Participant

    ZeesKite- The Shadchan would have to be the one to notify the other that I’m not interested.

    #882413
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Tell the shadchan that it is very immature to try to embarress people into doing something by calling them immature.

    Then, blacklist the shadchan. Post their name on the CR so everyone else can get in on it.

    Then, say “you wanna see immature?”, and TP her house tonight. I’m in!

    #882414
    2scents
    Participant

    I second PBA.

    #882415
    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    The best part of going through shadchanim is that it takes away the social/emotional difficulty of refusing someone to their face. As for the shadchan trying to pressure you, I’m with popa.

    #882416
    golfer
    Participant

    Remember Nancy Reagan? (Or am i the oldest person here?) These were her immortal words: (not regarding shidduchim…) “Just say no!” It’s your life! Don’t be scared of the shadchan. Be courteous. Be considerate. Don’t be a pushover. You don’t need to waste your time and someone else’s going on a date for no reason.

    #882417
    Sabzi
    Member

    I third popa.

    #882418
    pcoz
    Member

    Agree with popa – I had exactly the same situation, I did go out a second time and it was just stupid

    #882419
    vv
    Member

    i agree wtih popa too!! dont let anyone push you around. what does she mean immature?? tell her she is being naive by not trusting your judgement. tell her that it is very mature to trust yourself. you dont need her, G-d will make your shidduch.

    #882420
    147
    Participant

    If you cannot say “No” then say “Lo”.

    Also, try & call the Shadchan at a time when you believe s/he shall be out and you are likeliest to get an answering machine, and then just be firm & decline, and explain that it is not your normal policy nor mode to decline, and ordinarily you give the potential candidate at least a 2nd chance, but in the given situation you simply don’t want to give any false illusion.

    Of-course if the Shadchan has an e-mail, and the Shadchan won’t take No or “Lo” over the phone for a response, just send an e-mail [irrespective of what anyone at the Asifah ever said]. Makes sure your message or e-mail is in English & not in Yiddish.

    Of-course also:- Always thank Shadchan profusely for his/her time & efforts, even if you don’t mean it. ………. & if Friday or Rosh Chodesh or Ellul, add Good Shabbos/Good Chodesh/Shono Tovo in your message, even if you are irate at the Shadchan.

    #882421
    i love coffe
    Participant

    Thanks guys for your responses!

    Popa- I think you are right. I just needed someone to tell me that so I wouldn’t feel bad, So, when should we go and show her how mature I really am? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    #882422
    i love coffe
    Participant

    dunno- “I had the same issue. I was debating back and forth until I decided that since it just won’t be there’s no reason to waste his time and my time. Let’s hope I wasn’t blacklisted by that shadchan ๐Ÿ™‚ “

    That’s what I’m afraid of now, that she won’t recommend me anyone else. Ugh, this is so annoying…

    #882423

    I disagree with Popa. Too many people drop a shidduch after one or two dates for invalid reasons. This is NOT, contrary to what some other posters have written, a drastic, life altering decision (unless the shadchan is right, and it works out).

    I also disagree with the shadchan calling you immature, even if she’s right.

    #882424
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    DY: I didn’t say nothin about if she should go out again. I just said that I trust her judgment, and that the shadchan is being a bully.

    Look, if you think that everyone should always go out twice no matter what–then fine. But if you don’t, then we can both agree to trust coffee on how she feels.

    #882425

    Popa,

    I wouldn’t trust myself on how I feel after one date (barring exceptional circumstances, such as clear hashkafic differences).

    Being a shadchan is tough, because some people need nudging (I don’t do much shadchanus because I don’t do the nudging part well), but when you do, you get blacklisted on YW.

    There are a lot of happily married couples who credit the shadchan’s stubborness for their shidduch.

    #882427
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    You would never trust yourself after one date? Or you would be wary after one date? I’m sure you would not always go on a second date.

    In any event, that isn’t the question: the question is whether it is appropriate for a shadchan to try to shame someone into going on a second date. If you approve of that, then I have nothing left to say to you.

    #882428

    I avoided the word never, but for the most part, I wouldn’t (didn’t actually).

    I’m tempted to tell you that it’s appropriate for a shadchan to shame someone into another date, just so I won’t have to hear from you again. ๐Ÿ™‚

    However, as I posted earlier, I don’t like that the shadchan called her immature. There’s a difference between pressure (or nudging, as I called it) and name calling (or shaming, as you call it) which is offensive , and in the long run, counterproductive.

    Looking back at the OP, the shadchan said that saying no is a little immature, which although might be unwise to say, is not the same as saying that the girl is immature.

    #882429
    Health
    Participant

    DY -“Looking back at the OP, the shadchan said that saying no is a little immature, which although might be unwise to say, is not the same as saying that the girl is immature.”

    How about Danning the Shadchan L’caf Zecus? Maybe he/she meant to say “Premature”?

    #882430
    apushatayid
    Participant

    No.

    #882431

    How about Danning the Shadchan L’caf Zecus? Maybe he/she meant to say “Premature”?

    How about danning the OP l’kaf z’chus that she heard correctly? ๐Ÿ™‚

    APY,

    You have a habit of commenting without saying what your commenting about. No to what?

    #882432

    *you’re

    #882433
    mom12
    Participant

    i love coffe- It sounds like the shadchan is being immature and coward.. she doesnt know how to say ‘no’ to the other party.

    there is absolutely no reason why you may not say no!

    she does not not know how to deal with it so she is ‘throwng the ball into your court’.

    be firm and if she does not call you again someone else will!

    Good luck.

    #882434
    shmoel
    Member

    APY is answering the question the OP asked in the title.

    #882435
    oomis
    Participant

    For once, I am also with PBA. Get that TP NOW!

    #882436
    oomis
    Participant

    Now to deal with the saying no issue. I always believed that it is a good idea to give a date a second chabnce because people are not always themselves on the first date (so much pressure to be “on”). However, sometimes we just KNOW it’s not shayach, and there is zero point in wasting one’s own time, the time of the other person, and the money spent on the date, for something that CANNOT go anywhere. I was set up with many such guys in my day; one was hashkafically SO far from me, he took his yarmulka off, as he is accustomed to doing in public, even when I told him there were no anti-Semites around. My REBBETZIN had set us up, apparently she had not seen him since he was a boy and didn’t know he had gone leftist religiously. Another guy was so ill-mannered and boorish that I was ready to go home after ten minutes with him. I could go on, but it is not important. I knew these guys were never going to be right for me, so why go out a second time, had they asked.

    #882437

    I had the same situation once. I had been made to promise two dates and so I did. The first date was dire. I just couldn’t face another couple of hours with this girl, not so good looking and really boring personality. I felt a little mis-sold. There was absouletly no way I would ever marry her, even though she was a nice person.

    The shadchan put a lot of pressure for the second date, I said no no no and eventually when I had run out of excuses I said I just don’t find her attractive he relented. I am sure from what he said he had an eye on the shadduchnus gelt. Oh well!

    #882438
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Another guy was so ill-mannered and boorish that I was ready to go home after ten minutes with him.

    Did we date?

    #882439
    Csar
    Member

    Do you date older women?

    #882440
    dunno
    Member

    Lol popa!

    #882441
    apushatayid
    Participant

    Someone asked how to say no, and I responded to the question. Not sure why that is so difficult to comprehend.

    #882442
    Health
    Participant

    DY -“How about danning the OP l’kaf z’chus that she heard correctly?”

    I didn’t say she didn’t hear correctly. I said maybe she/he “Meant premature”. The Shadchan possibly used the wrong word.

    #882443

    Someone asked how to say no,

    And there were over twenty posts between that and yours.

    and I responded to the question.

    You didn’t give instructions how, as the OP requested, you merely repeated the word no.

    #882444

    I didn’t say she didn’t hear correctly. I said maybe she/he “Meant premature”. The Shadchan possibly used the wrong word.

    Then you should have directed your comment to the OP, not me.

    #882445
    Health
    Participant

    DY -“Then you should have directed your comment to the OP, not me.”

    Because the possibility that the OP Did Not hear correctly. Either way, a lot of posters are making a mountain out of a moehill. If the Shadchan is/was the pushy type then this would be a topic to discuss -how to deal with it. From a one time convo -I don’t think you can make any inferences about s/o.

    #882446

    From a one time convo -I don’t think you can make any inferences about s/o.

    Agreed.

    The discussion is still valid, though, in a general sense (which is how I treat all discussions here, because you can never know what’s real and what’s made up).

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