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My husband and I have been married for about 5 years. We come from Yeshivish/Heimish backgrounds and have attended standard Yeshiva/Bais Yaakov School system.
Growing up though, we both were exposed to movies( bit TV here and there).
In the first year of marriage, when we wanted to unwind after a long day, we would take walks, play board game, eat out and watch tv shows/movies at night.
However, with time we B”H had two children and life became more hectic, busy and somewhat stressful. By time we put our kids to bed, and need a way to unwind, we pretty much resort to watching.
It isn’t the ideal bonding opportunity, but it s/t we enjoyed and did together.
However, my husband and I both made the decision at this point that we need to limit our watching (or stop all together) in order to get to stronger place in our yiddishkiet…and raise our children without the constant exposure to watching.
Sadly, the issue when we don’t watch….we are very bored. We don’t have the mental stamina to read s/t, its too difficult to find babysitter to watch kids so we can’t go out often…and although we like schmoozing together, some days( the pretty routine ones) there isn’t that much to schmooze about.
so simply put, my question is how do yeshivish frum couples unwind after a long day? what are some ideas that frum couples can do in evenings to bond and unwind at the same time?
what’s wrong with learning torah?
I have a friend of mine (married about 40 years) who he and his wife sit down every night and study Tehillim (using the ArtScroll 2 volume set by R’ Avrahom Chaim Feuer).
If you have internet access you may want to look into the shiurim on Torahanytime dot com. You can sit and listen and then discuss what you have just listened to.
My father A”H used to put together jigsaw puzzles.
What about learning something new together?
You can be creative.
Painting or ceramics (like Sculpey clay that you can bake).
For painting: Buy an inexpensive pad of painting paper, paintbrushes, and those $1 acrylic paint bottles to experiment with each other. Use a disposable cup to wash the brushes in water. Make it fun and simple. Let it dry overnight.
Clay projects: See what you can make. It can even be practical like a Channukiah.
There is no need to finish it in one night. Let it be free flowing, and discover something new together. It will help rewire your brain so tv will no longer be your outlet.
You’ll get to see how you’ve been spending time together too
Why don’t each of you become mentors for Partners-In-Torah? In addition to filling your time in a useful way, you will have more to discuss with each other the rest of the time.
It sounds like they need to veg out and want to spend quality time together. They are already committed to their family, and barely have time for each other.
Asking them about becoming mentors for Partners-in-Torah is asking them to take the little energy that they have left before they go to bed and devote it to strangers. While it’s noble in theory, imho it sounds counterproductive for their current needs.
Sorry I could definitely be wrong as well, and your idea may work for them. Either way, you brought up a good point of having them bring something new into their discussions together. That’s why I thought that they could learn something new together.
lightbrite – you may be right and I had thought of that, but I still thought it was worth suggesting.
I am not sure if they thought it was necessary to do something together or not. If they are running out of topics of conversation, I thought it might be productive for them to spend some time not together. Anyhow, it’s only an hour a week, and they can spend the rest of them time preparing and discussing together.
“Anyhow, it’s only an hour a week, and they can spend the rest of them time preparing and discussing together.”
True. I really like the idea of them preparing the material together and discussing how things went. I didn’t think of that part. Like maybe they could even teach a shiur on the same topic, like the parsha. They could collaborate and because it’s a mitzvah, it may make it more fun and rewarding to give back. A+++++++ 🙂
snooper: What are your thoughts? Sending you blessings for a good and sweet way to connect and reconnect to your husband after a long day.
Maybe you could try to find something Torahdik or educational (but light) to watch like Project Inspire’s video or something.
Or listen to shiurim by people like Rabbi Orlofsky or Rav Pesach Krohn (both of whom are entertaining and tell lots of stories or jokes and are easy to listen to when you’re tired).
You mentioned that you used to play games. Why did you stop?
I think a lot of the suggestions here are great, but from personal experience, though I am a spiritual person who enjoys ruchniyus stimulation down time sometimes can’t be learning related yet doesn’t need to be watching. So a lot of people are suggesting to learn something together which is amazing if it works for you, but I totally can hear why you might want something more chilled.
So as some others said- a hobby you can take up? Doesn’t have to be something complicated like getting ceramic painting, but maybe scrapbooking- nowadays we have thousands of pictures we take but what do we do with it all? How beautiful would it be for your children to forever have homemade scrapbooks made by their very own parents?
You mentioned you played games, that’s also something you can do from home without going out as well.
Yeshivishhock – you make very good points, and I had realized that. I just figured that it made sense to suggest learning first, and then if she says she can’t, to go on to something else.
I also deliberately did not suggest having an intense chevrusa with her husband or attending a shiur, but instead suggested things that are much lighter (like PIT or listening to Rav Orlofsky).
If those things aren’t shayich, your ideas sound good.
You can do something like juggling or diabolo or poi. They’re all really easy to learn, you can practice and make up routines together, you can listen to some fun music while you do it, and then you have something to do for wedding shtik after your bonding time.
Something we also do is make scavenger hunts for each other, based on things we can find in the house. give it a theme, or base it on the time of the year, but be as creative as possible and try to surprise each other.
Look through old photos. We love looking at pictures of us, and the kids, and our life from before we were married. Each picture can bring on a new line of discussion and you will learn a lot about each other.
B”H when you’re in full time learning, you need to use some of your bein hasedrim doing some light-hearted and not learning related. It’s healthy and it will allow you maintain learning for a much longer time than people who just plow through bein hazmanim and bein hasederim because they’re too frum to relax.
Onetime – you have a lot of creative ideas! +1
Play games together. It’s a good way to unwind and it’s much better for your relationship than watching TV together (even without considering the other problems with TV in general).
Meno – maskim. I think games is the best idea. But it sounds like they used to do that and stopped. Maybe they were too tired to play games. But there are so many games and types of games in the world – I would think they could find something that is doable even while exhausted.
So what do you think, Snooper, of the suggestions made so far?
I hope R’ Orlofsky isn’t reading this.
“I hope R’ Orlofsky isn’t reading this.”
If he were, how would he respond?
Maybe you can still watch movies, actually. Homemade one, that is.
What I’ve done in the past was create home videos with my siblings. We usually did it when my parents were out for a while, and we’d call them “Home Alone,” with incrementally varying volume numbers. They were so fun! We would video the different things we could do when we’re home alone, like teaching a 10 year old to drive, racing our rabbit vs turtle, making dinner, not putting the younger kids to bed on time, etc. My sister would edit it, putting in background music, rolling credits, and other things to pretend it was professional. Then we would watch these 10 minute videos together with our parents, and sometimes with our extended relatives – everyone got a kick out of it 🙂 It’s so cool
Some nights you could create the movie, some nights you could edit it, and some nights you could all watch it together with the family! You could use a lot of different themes and do it with your kids.
Then play it for everyone at their sheva berachos.
I totally meant it in a positive way or I wouldn’t have said it. I also wouldn’t have said it if I thought it could be taken the wrong way. Rabbi Orlofsky chose a certain style of speech. He chooses to be funny and entertaining since he feels that he will better be able to get his messages across that way.
That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a deep message there. It just means that he chose a particular style of speaking that he feels will be most effective.
If others (moderators included) feel that my posts could c”v be taken the wrong way, please let me know asap, so I can ask that they be removed. If necessary, I can say the same thing w/o examples. And if Snooper already read them (have you yet?), they can certainly be removed.
“I hope R’ Orlofsky isn’t reading this.”
“If he were, how would he respond?”
He’d probably laugh 🙂
Snooper, yasher koach for trying to give up tv/movies! That must be really hard and is a tremendous zchus! In the zchus of your giving up tv/movies, may Hashem help you to find enjoyable ways to unwind!
Depending on what time your day is finishing, you might think of turning in early. More sleep will give you more energy to deal with the challenges the next day and perhaps you won’t feel the need to simply unwind the next day. Obviously going to sleep at 7 is not what I’m suggesting, but it won’t hurt to turn in at 9:30 or 10, especially if your kids are early risers. You may want to rework your afternoon/evening schedule to not leave yourself with so much seeming free time. Unwinding can be done, if your kids cooperate, by reading a few chapters of a book while on the couch in the room where they are playing on the floor, going to the park with them in the afternoon, or other activities that you find enjoyable to do with your kids. If you are re-energized, you can take care of small household activities, including a bit of laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, getting ready for the next day, etc. If your spouse wants to participate, then he can either help or at least sit in the room and talk with you while you’re doing things. Some people I know take a baby sitter in the afternoon hours (assuming you don’t come home from work only at 7), while they rest and then they have energy to deal with the evening routine.
Bananagrams, Rummikub, Set
Well technically none of those is a board game, so if you’re makpid on a board, these wouldn’t work. But they are good games for a couple to play.
Unwind… Hey! If you know how to post here (I doubt you do), why not try it…
scrabble is a board game that is played by lots of couples. cause it makes you use your adulthood knowledge & is time spent together wisely
Firstly, we realized that watching was an escape for us from dealing with each other. Instead of building our relationship, and dealing with our personal issues, we escaped to watching. We thought at the time that we were spending time with each other, but it was merely spending time next to each other. After stopping, we found ourselves suddenly getting into deeper and more honest conversations with each other, our bond grew stronger, and my respect for my husband grew so much.
Lastly, I changed as a mother and house keeper. We used to go to sleep so late (OMG! Is it 3AM already?!), and my kids and house were naturally affected. My house was always a wreck, and I would snap too quickly on my kids. They did not deserve a mother like that. Now, I became so much more patient, enjoyed my kids so much more, and got much more done in the house.
any recommendations of good board games a couple can play?Yes, definitely. But first, please answer these questions.
How much is too much for you to spend?
How long is too long a game for you?
What would you consider too complicated/thinky for you?
(Would you rather fight, compete for more points, or work together?)
(Would you prefer one that can also be played by more than 2 people?)
“Unwind… Hey! If you know how to post here (I doubt you do), why not try it…”
lol.I thought about suggesting that, but since they are trying to go off of tv/movies, I wasn’t sure if I felt comfortable suggesting they spend more time online.
If you pick games like scrabble, make sure you are matched in skills, it doesn’t do much for a relationship if one side always feels like the loser. or if both are very competitive.
Boggle is a good game. I will try to think of more over Shabbos, b”n. There are definitely tons of games around, and there are always new ones being invented.
In my Excellence Opinion… Biographies!
Brisker Rav, or Reb Boruch Ber, or Chofetz Chaim, or House of Ruzhin, or Reb Moshe Feinstein… and more. Relaxing, mussar learning, inspiring.
media: Thank you for sharing. So beautiful <3
May you always be best friends and live to 120 🙂
I used to love Clue (haven’t played it in a while, but I am sure I still would), but I think there may be at least one card that needs some coloring in.
My friend’s kids love the game, Settlers of Cattan. I asked her if a young couple would like it, and she said that her married son and daughter-in-law always play it.
Snooper – just wanted to point out that I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty or put pressure on you with my learning/reading suggestions. I understand that there are times when a person can’t learn and needs something more relaxing to chill out [hey, why do you think I’m in the CR so much? :)]
My thinking was just that I would start with those types of suggestions and see how they went over, before I went on to the other types of suggestions.
(That is one of the reasons why it’s easier to give advice in person; you can see the person’s expression as you’re speaking and switch tacks immmediately as needed).
The truth is you are wise for choosing something relaxing and fun for several reasons. Amongst other things, since your point is to “go off of tv/movies”, you need to choose something that will help you to do that. If you choose something difficult, your resolve might not last that long. But if you choose something fun and enjoyable, you might even come to appreciate your decision to stop watching.
My friend’s kids love the game, Settlers of Cattan. I asked her if a young couple would like it, and she said that her married son and daughter-in-law always play it.
That’s strange, seeing as Settlers of Catan is for 3 or 4 players only.
“My friend’s kids love the game, Settlers of Cattan. I asked her if a young couple would like it, and she said that her married son and daughter-in-law always play it.”
“That’s strange, seeing as Settlers of Catan is for 3 or 4 players only.”
It’s interesting that you are saying that. Someone in the family did point out that it’s not as much fun for 2 players, but my friend said that her son does enjoy playing with 2 because he has never played with more people so he doesn’t know what he is missing.
I have never played the game, so I wouldn’t know, but I understood from that that it could be played by any number of people but it’s more fun if there are more than 2.
If you look on Amazon at the Compact Edition of Catan, you can see
“Includes 2-Player Rules!” on the front. The original rules were not
meant for 2 players. (There are a number of fan-made variants for
2 players. There are also a card-game version of Catan which is
meant for 2-4 and a specifically 2-player card game version.)
Comlink – thanks for checking it out!
Can you get a sitter for one night a week, or once every two weeks? that certainly would make things easier. I actually find it fun and relaxing to go food shopping with my wife, and I think she feels the same way (for the most part). We go to a few stores, walk up and down the aisles, and shmooze and shop at the same time. There’s always a Cofix or Aroma nearby so we can get a snack, and then we go home.
Lilmod, if you like Clue for the logic, you should enjoy Sleuth.
I’ve posted a description here:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/games-not-for-shabbos#post-634636
Thanks! I’ll check it out when I have a chance.
Snooper, how’s it going? Did you come up with something? Did any of the ideas here help? I’m curious to know what you ended up doing.
Shkoyach again on trying to go off of movies!I’m sure it must be super-hard. Hope you’ve been successful. If you haven’t been, remember the ikar is that you are trying and every bit of effort will be greatly rewarded, IYH in both this world and the Next!
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