If Nassi is wrong, how do you explain why 1000’s of older girls are stil single?
Home › Forums › Decaffeinated Coffee › If Nassi is wrong, how do you explain why 1000’s of older girls are stil single?
- This topic has 128 replies, 50 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 10 months ago by Gadolhadorah.
January 29, 2019 8:30 am at 8:30 am #1670312justme22Participant
Global warming or not global
Warming we all don’t want a polluted world so perhaps it makes no difference if there is a crisis or not a crisis some people do need assistance in order to get married. And all ideas discussed should be considered.
Often when you get older the gilt stays inspire , older single boys are bit more burned out from learning so many years. The boys go through intense yeshiva from a young age and what’s expected from the boys in those years if one stays single is hard not to be burned out ( burned out is not off the derech ) on the other hand girls don’t have it intense as far Yiddishkeit and they continue to want that same “frumy” guy that recent seminary experiences recommended.
Of course the above doesn’t apply to every crisis case.
-Another problem is that we are too segregated ladies often only know single woman , men only know single men and hardly anyone knows both groups. Many judge mingling on shabbos meals etc.
– boys might be getting more names because of the simple reason that it is considered courteous to the girl to ask the boy first , perhaps if the girl was asked first and were the ones to say no the boys would get less names.
– yidishkeit has changed so much it would it seem thus dividing the religion into tooo many religions ( Lakewood , tv no tv, learners not learners , kollel plans va no killer plans , etc etc
– even in a bad economy some people get jobs some don’t and even in a great economy some don’t get jobs and perhaps is not because there are no jobs but rather because is not a match or the person is too picky with jobs . So crisis or no crisis what can we do to help the individual. Honesty can help.
– then there is mental health , secrets , personal fears about marriage or intimacy, parents divorced , or different.
– been single till late make on more distant from the community many times.
I would suggest setting up an amount of money one would pay the shadchan let’s say 1k , for every schiduch the Shadchan sets up and doesn’t end up with an engagement the price of Shadchanus goes down 10% this incentives the Shadchan to not be setting up randomly with out giving thought.
– I hate to write this people do judge the book by the cover and often girls and boys can get some help improving things that Shadchanim are often hearing been said about the boy or girl.
– Girls are so accomplished now days often boys a bit less accomplished feel that the girl won’t accept them or that they won’t be equals at home and in order to protect their self value they just say no the girl. We don’t have many marriages were the husband is the stay at home dad by us.
Any way shiduch or no shiduch crisis there is much room for creativity with each particular case and instead of speculating having a good conversation with the single as to why they themselves think they are single Might help us help them.
After all even if in the “crisis” most of their friends did get a partner in crime.
More mixed meals and events would be helpful.
If there is in fact such crisis perhaps it would make sense to add a misheberach in Shul for singles to get married.
We also have a vulnerability issue in our community we are afraid to share many things publicly that might attract others ( stupid things like wanting to go to movies it’s often not shared , simple mental health issues such as taking minor doses of stuff for anxiety are often public knowledge in the secular world we have a long way to go in learning to be vulnerable share things as a family financial crisis , religious views etc )
Just typed everything that came to my mind
Let’s pray for all the singles and their families and for those who are married and wish they weren’t r”lJanuary 29, 2019 8:31 am at 8:31 am #1670313FSMParticipant
1000s of girls? for every unmarried girl there’s an unmarried boy. why do you only mention one side of it? boys don’t matter to you? ahavas yisroel only applies to females?January 29, 2019 8:31 am at 8:31 am #1670314FSMParticipant
” a large percentage of boys in the frum so called chareidi circles are just not marriageable material”
this comment isn’t telling us of the problem but is the problem itself, this ridiculously negative view of the boys, a sexism if you will, there is no higher percentage of problematic boys than girls, standards differ, if a girl puts on a dress she’s wonderful, if the boy doesn’t learn 12 hours a day he’s horrible, that’s the attitude, i know many fine unmarried boys who just aren’t kollel typesJanuary 29, 2019 11:39 am at 11:39 am #1670501Uncle BenParticipant
Justme; Please check over your posts for spelling and grammar errors before posting.
Also try to condense your thoughts so people with ADD will follow you.
How about; Let’s have co-ed dating events for burnt out working boys open to singles taking low doses of medication.January 29, 2019 11:40 am at 11:40 am #1670529
Bisboy: Move to Utah, change your name to Reb Gershon and start a polygamous chassidus.
To those who attribute the shidduch crisis to the increasing “independence” of seminary girls et. al. who learn to have their own opinions and are able to assess a bochur as a potential life-partner, I would view this as a net positive but I suspect that would not be the consensus view here among those who conflate independence and secular education among jewish women with “feminism”.January 29, 2019 12:34 pm at 12:34 pm #1670560Workingbochur95Participant
From my personal experience, his organization is hurting these single girls because they are very stubborn and exclusive with the bochurim they will interview!!
I’m a bochur who has been to trying to reach Rabbi Friedman for a while, and whenever I do, his secretary incoherently responds that he is not accepting appointments at the time. They have since blocked my number from contacting them. All while complaining about too many single girls!!!
editedJanuary 29, 2019 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #1670769avocadoParticipant
Shout out to all the singles out there who actually live the shidduch crisis every day.
Davening for you all
I know how hard it isJanuary 29, 2019 8:35 pm at 8:35 pm #1670785HaimyParticipant
There are many more older single girls than boys. There are moremore typical single older girls than typical boys. The many older typical single girls are having hard time finding a spouse from the fewer typical older boys left.
Why are there so few typical older boys left? The rest of them married girls 2-4 years younger than them.January 29, 2019 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #1670788
Hey Haimy…..what is a “typical” single guy or single girl?? Specifically, what attributes make them “typical”??January 30, 2019 12:30 am at 12:30 am #1670837☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
I think he means having mainstream yeshivish/BY hashkafos, reasonably intelligent, decent looking, neat and presentable, personable, decent conversationalist, in good physical and emotional health etc.
In short, someone with no glaring reasons why they shouldn’t be able to find a shidduch in the yeshiva world.January 30, 2019 8:35 am at 8:35 am #1670892Blessed by the BestParticipant
1. More girls are concerned to make themselves resumes as apposed to guys who are less concerned. At age 30, of my 20 peers that are still single I was the only one with a resume.
2. At age 30, I believe there are more divorced girls than never married. Nassi is a great project for someone to make himself feel good that he’s contributing to society in a positive way, but in fact he’s really just creating a better market for the marriage counseling industry.January 30, 2019 10:21 am at 10:21 am #1670946JosephParticipant
“At age 30, I believe there are more divorced girls than never married.”
This is wildly inaccurate.January 30, 2019 10:21 am at 10:21 am #1670970Eli51Participant
The crisis is that many singles either don’t date good perspective matches or listening to bad advice from freinds instead of Rabbonim or rebbeim whether to break of with perspective matches or not. Who knows how many of the older singles have rejected their basherts for whatever reason.January 31, 2019 12:29 pm at 12:29 pm #1671650Blessed by the BestParticipant
And your statement is based on what facts?
As someone who is dating, most girls over 27 say that from their graduating class, there are more divorced than Single.
I welcome your thoughts.January 31, 2019 1:33 pm at 1:33 pm #16716851Participant
Because the seminary patriarchal welfare system is only meant for a few. Something that won’t be addressed at an askan convention.January 31, 2019 2:32 pm at 2:32 pm #1671720HealthParticipant
chugibugi -The real reason for the so called SHIDUCH crisis with so many older single girls,is a very simple one and everybody knows it but hasn’t the guts to come out and say it.
the reason is a simple one ” a large percentage of boys in the frum so called chareidi circles are just not marriageable material,in other words they are simply boys with problems either off the derech either completely or half ways or just not frum enough or have problems with either “drinking or drugs or mental issues etc,etc”
Your post emplifies the crux of the problem.
If you would have said severe mental problems – that could be a correct point.
But what you said shows where the real problem is – Not Frum Enough or Drink a little bit or some mental issues. You post – Not marriagable material!
This is nothing New in this World; just Nowadays they label everything.
In the older times there wasn’t these LABELS.
The Unfortunate thing is they only Label Men/boys, Not Women/girls.
They are both equal & this has been going on for generations!
I wouldn’t be surprised if actually Women/girls have more problems, and because of the Goody – Two -Shoes – it’s Well HIDDEN.April 22, 2019 6:05 pm at 6:05 pm #1718284SeltzerParticipant
There’s a major problem with encouraging boys to simply date and marry younger.
They’ll naturally want to marry girls their age (20-21) or younger, anyway, and all you’re left with is lots of young couples who are struggling, both emotionally and financially, as they aren’t mature enough to have a relationship independent of their parents and don’t have money because the boy is learning and the girl is halfway through her college degree and they now have a baby, and she can’t find a job that pays well enough to support the family AND pay the babysitter, and then what?
What we should be doing is NOT encouraging younger boys to marry; It’s encouraging boys to marry OLDER girls. That way, the girl already completed her degree, has an income, has the maturity that is brought about through life experience, and can pass that on to her husband, who should be grateful he can now learn in kollel and be supported.
Take it from me. My wife is several years older than me. And not only is our marriage amazing (6+ years, so far), our age difference has never been an important factor in ANYTHING.April 22, 2019 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #1718362JosephParticipant
I just saw an advertisement in one of the main yeshivishe weekly newspapers that (in big letters) told boys aged 21 who aren’t dating yet that THEY are responsible for the “shidduch crisis” of girls being unable to get married. It directs them to a NASI website where it implores the boys to start dating/getting married at 21, advises them to leave Yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel earlier, start the shidduch process while in Yeshiva in EY or better yet go to an American Beis Medrash instead of one in EY.April 23, 2019 12:13 am at 12:13 am #1718428
Problem is most girls who are settled expect no less from the guy if not more. So the fact that they have a steady income actually goes against a guy who has a regular job or no diploma. If a girl truly wanted to marry, they shouldn’t be turning it into a competition of who makes more. As long as the guy is good and a hard worker there should be no reason to dismiss unless these girls just want to stay single over their false pride. Some still feel they are 20 years old with so many options. Besides what is more true in life, true happiness with the person you want to be with forever or some extra paper? Especially if the woman is settled she has no excuse if she found a good guy by rejecting him due to finances. Even a poor life with the partner who is your true love is worth more than a life of leisure with someone who isn’t. It’s worth everything in this short life in my opinion. Nothing compares to having that person as yours.April 23, 2019 12:29 am at 12:29 am #1718447👑RebYidd23Participant
Poor lives tend to be shorter.April 23, 2019 12:31 pm at 12:31 pm #1718671
Rebyid- lives of true love tend to be longest. And being poor as well was just an extreme example. You can have an average life and be happy with what you have and have a true mutual live which lasts longer and more meaningful than anything. Don’t necessarily need to be poor it’s not either or. And rather than being blinded by money and influences from all sides family,friends,shadchanim who put in false criteria to look into a guy when it just ruins many potential matches.
Yes money is important and my examples include a guy who is hard working but just has an average parnassah. Isn’t the everlasting outcome of marriage the actual person who you marry or is it the money which is temporary? I think girls/woman need to reprogram their minds to what’s important. I don’t except girls to know this they are usually young and spoiled and easily influenced by others manipulation. But the problem is that the older girls were young once too and it only took then to reach age 30 and up to understand what the true importsnce of life is. Especially if they have a stable income. They could have shared their lives with someone but didn’t even consider since they expected the guy to make just as much or more. Was the competition worth it?April 23, 2019 2:09 pm at 2:09 pm #1718673
Besides how can you expect a guy who wants to get married and cannot because of all these criteria, how can you expect them to not get depressed or start drinking when they search their whole lives and just get broken cause of reasons that aren’t in their control. It’s sad that it comes to this. Look how many marriages where both husband and wife have well established careers and the marriages are worse than gehinom! Status means nothing. Yes you need parnassah but careers/money don’t declare anything as far as how good the marriage will be. When you take everything away from a person all that’s left of them is their kind heart and soul. The rest is a distraction.August 1, 2021 3:07 am at 3:07 am #1996124ujmParticipant
Has the age gap of shidduchim in the frum community significantly narrowed in the past 5-10 years?
Are there now relatively less of an overflow of single older girls?
Has the shidduch crisis eased?August 1, 2021 8:04 am at 8:04 am #1996146☕️coffee addictParticipant
Single including divorced or not?August 1, 2021 8:09 am at 8:09 am #1996136Avi KParticipant
From an actuarial point of view, the girl should be 2-3 years older. That way they can expect to die together.August 1, 2021 9:47 am at 9:47 am #1996179hujuParticipant
To Avi K: Where is it written that a married couple should die together?August 1, 2021 1:05 pm at 1:05 pm #1996203Avi KParticipant
Huju, this way neither suffers.August 1, 2021 3:03 pm at 3:03 pm #1996217Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
Avi, I am glad we do not have actuaries in charge of shiduchim! But it is already proven that married men live longer than non-married, and this was measured under current conditions – where men are older or same age as women. So, let’s not mess up with success!
So, maybe instead of forcing 15-y.o. bochrim marry eligible 20-y.o. let’s encourage men smoking less, running more, and women to feed their husbands healthier – to make our lives more “equitable”August 1, 2021 3:42 pm at 3:42 pm #1996225
UJM: With all respect, don’t you have better things to do at 3AM on rosh chodesh August than to resurrect a 2.5 year old thread on the BIG LIE (aka the “shiduch crisis”)? Nothing has changed in 2.5 years other than 7 or 8 interim threads on variants of the same subject and about hundreds of paid ads promoting everything from mainstream segulos to bizarre new age scams for finding your beschert. And no, the “age gap” has not materially changed over the past 30 months according to published data (which itself is several years out of date).
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.