May 20, 2011 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #877955
i hope you are right. we are a very close knit group and she is the first one so we are all finding it hard. she was sort of like the “leader/doer” in the group- always working things out for us and preparing good times for us…May 23, 2011 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #877956HaQerMember
I went to a wedding yesterday and there seemed to be a lot of mix-ups in the seating. Some tables had too many people with place-cards with not enough seats fpr all of them and some people who were invited didn’t have place-cards at all (I didn’t ask if they had sent in the response card). Inviting all the appropriate people to a simcha (and giving them seats) can be a very complicated thing, especially if you are a Rebbi in a large yeshiva. I assume that this is what happened in your case, The Goq. You seem to think that it was on purpose but there is a good chance that it was just an oversight and has nothing to do with you being invisible. You are being too hard on yourself.
Also, if I remember correctly Goq, you have stated that you work in an office with mostly women and you are a single man. It could be that all the women were invited because their husbands were invited and not because they work in the office. So it wasn’t that the baal simcha purposely invited everyone in the office except for you, he just happened to have invited all of their husbands.
Imy”h you should find your bashert and should have to deal with these issues of inviting people to your wedding.May 23, 2011 11:42 pm at 11:42 pm #877957
incorrect haqer the baal simcha does not know my coworkers husbands and some of my coworkers are widows, and as far as it being an oversight obviously u did not read my op, that is not a consolation at all!May 24, 2011 1:57 pm at 1:57 pm #877958
was the wedding yet? How do you know that they all got invitations?May 24, 2011 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #877959
the wedding was Lag Baomer and they all told me they were invitedMay 24, 2011 3:20 pm at 3:20 pm #877960haifagirlParticipant
I have as much right to get an invitation as anyone else in the office.
I’m really sorry you are feeling bad about this, but nobody has a right to be invited to a simcha.May 24, 2011 3:54 pm at 3:54 pm #877961
These things happen and it is in your best interest to rise above it. You will never know what really happened and the baal simcha has so much on his mind preparing for the simcha that whether it was an oversight or he really cut back and didn’t feel he had to invite someone that he didn’t have much to do with or his wife handled the invitations and she had more to do with the women than you; he has no idea that it is bothering you and you are giving it way too much importance. These things happen all the time. Maybe Hashem is testing you. What will you choose to do about it?May 24, 2011 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #877962
Obviously aries u have no idea what its like being a non entity you should be happy for that.May 24, 2011 4:21 pm at 4:21 pm #877963
Goq, “everyone” feels like a non-entity at some point for some time in their lives. Everyone goes through different nisyonos and some point in their lives. We are all tested and we all have to ride the waves and weather the storms. Everyone including me, I can write a book of all my ups and downs, or rather downs and ups. No one is immune.
However, if you feel that way you have two choices. You can choose to rise above it and not let it get to you. Or you can choose to find a job that is more satisfying and fulfilling for a man of your age. Maybe it is high time that you felt the urge of confidence and you looked for something where you felt respected and appreciated. In addition a job that paid better wages would definitely put you in a better position as far as shiduchim are concerned. After all you will have to support a wife and a family and working for a yeshiva, getting paid very little cannot put you in a position where that is going to be the most beneficial to do that.
In addition being surrounded by women all day is NOT the best sevivah for a man, do you agree? It must drive you crazy. I know you are used to it and probably have gotten very comfortable in your position but comfort isn’t everything. Sometimes you have to spread your wings and fly and this might be the right time and the right impetus for you to try. You know the saying “meshaneh makom meshaneh mazel”. That is really something to think about.May 24, 2011 4:41 pm at 4:41 pm #877964
Well luckily i am not surrounded by women i am in a different section from them , and i do not lack confidence what i lack is a sense of being included by others.May 24, 2011 4:50 pm at 4:50 pm #877965
Goq, you haven’t answered the other part of my post. Why stay where you feel unappreciated and not respected and where they don’t pay you well. Why not look for something more rewarding and something that will give you a better financial footing for shidduch purposes?May 24, 2011 5:06 pm at 5:06 pm #877966
Why stay where i am? bacause its the best i can do, does that mean i shouldnt complain? ok so i will try not to.May 24, 2011 5:25 pm at 5:25 pm #877967tobgMember
This may be the best you can do but if you ask Hashem for help you will be able to do much more. Everyone has a potential to achieve as much as they want as long as put their trust in Hashem. Try saying a tefilla for parnassah right before sending out your resumes and right before going for the interviews.
Poseyach es Yodecha, umasbia, leChol Chai Ratzon!May 24, 2011 5:46 pm at 5:46 pm #877968
ty tobg well putMay 24, 2011 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #877969
sorry for you. how did you spend that night?!!?!??!May 24, 2011 7:02 pm at 7:02 pm #877970
hmmm let me think… watched the basketball game on the whole not a bad night except my team lost the game lolMay 24, 2011 7:41 pm at 7:41 pm #877971mewhoParticipant
coulda been worse. you could be a met fanMay 24, 2011 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #877972
its even worse than u think mewho i am am mets fan and a cubs fan!! oyMay 24, 2011 8:21 pm at 8:21 pm #877973goldenkintMember
is it possible that by working in a different section you are less visible so he didn’t connect you with the staff he did invite. maybe he just invited the people who work in that section, or that he’s closer to, and has less to do with you. i’m planning a wedding and financial and other limitations make me unable to invite too many people. i’m only inviting people i feel really close to, and that’s all. i know there are people who will be surprised that they weren’t invited but i can’t help that. many times i’ve wished mazal tov without being invited , but i understand that its impossible to invite everyone.May 24, 2011 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #877974mewhoParticipant
oy vey !
you think its time to cross over to the yankees yet?May 24, 2011 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #877975
goq- now that the wedding is over i think you should just try and move forward. maybe it was an oversight. there is no way for you to know what really happened…. just forgive and try to get over itMay 24, 2011 8:32 pm at 8:32 pm #877976yaff80Participant
A colleague of mine married off a son recently out of town. I received an invitation to the chupa and ??? ?????. I assumed that he ahd a large family and was limited on space. I was also delighted that I would not have to travel out of town after a long days work.
Well a few weeks before the wedding he calls me up and asks me if I was planing on joining in the simcha. I said that I wasnt invited to the dinner. He said it must have been a mistake by the one who filled the envelopes, as he had instructed them to put me on the dinner list, and that he would really like to see me there. Now I had no option but to go!
Whats better, not to be invited, or to be invited and feel you MUST attend?May 24, 2011 9:05 pm at 9:05 pm #877977
Goq, what is holding you back from doing better? Everyone can learn a trade, improve their skills, go back to school, etc. Whatever one needs to do. So is there something or someone standing in your way from doing better for yourself? Is there a reason why you can’t learn something new after work that will help you do better in the future?May 24, 2011 9:20 pm at 9:20 pm #877978always hereParticipant
aries~ you’re reminding me of my (younger) sister! she’s always saying ‘do you have a plan?’ & ‘be proactive’.May 24, 2011 9:30 pm at 9:30 pm #877979
adorable i am so over itMay 24, 2011 9:31 pm at 9:31 pm #877980
always here, I am hoping that he takes a look at what his opportunities are and doesn’t just give up and stay stuck in a job he doesn’t love because he feels thats the best he can do. That is really sad. We can always try to strive for better and can always find the help to move us forward. Considering the fact that Goq is an older Bochur and truly wants to find happiness in marriage and family, I would hate to think that he is giving up on himself and not consistently working to improve his lot in life.
We once had a thread about what to say to people looking for shidduchim. Do you confront them and show them that they are really not doing their utmost in presenting themselves as a good prospect? Or do you just shrug your shoulders and sigh with them about their problem? I believe that Goq could do more to be a happier individual, a more productive financial provider and a better shidduch prospect if he changes his attitude about “its the best I can do”. Even when we think we hit the top, we still keep going to try and elevate ourselves even further.May 24, 2011 9:33 pm at 9:33 pm #877981
good for you!!!May 25, 2011 2:29 am at 2:29 am #877982ursula momishMember
Look on the bright side: you weren’t expected to give a gift.
(unless all the women from the office got together and asked you to chip in?)May 25, 2011 7:21 am at 7:21 am #877983kapustaParticipant
Maybe he’s a real Yankee fan and the Mets/Cubs thing got in the way of logic…May 25, 2011 1:55 pm at 1:55 pm #877984
Met fan and cub fan? You must be a glutton for punishment. At least last night you had a 50/50 chance at being happy after the final out.May 25, 2011 2:14 pm at 2:14 pm #877985
About 2000 years ago, another person didn’t get an invitation to a simcha either. I dont know what his thought process was thinking about the non invitation. Who knows, had he gone to say mazel tov anyway, things might have turned out differently.May 25, 2011 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #877986
maybe you should have stormed the party and embarrassed the baas simcha like he did. We are told to learn from the previous generations no?May 25, 2011 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #877987oomisParticipant
Goq, first, invites DO get lost in the mail. It happened to me when an entire box of Bar-Mitzvah invitations that I sent to Brooklyn were ALL not received. That was an awkward thing. And even if you are HIGHLY thought of at work, and I am sure you must be, sometimes people have it in mind they did invite someone, when they simply forgot. That happened to me, too. We are all human, and we err. And sometimes little kids help to fill the envelopes and put the addresses on, and they mess up.
And yes, sometimes people just do thoughtless things and invite everyone BUT someone in a specific group.It’s wrong, but it is a part of life. Wish them mazel tov, and be the bigger person for it. You may discover that you WERE meant to be invited. And if not, so be it.
Yaffa80 – You could have easily and believably said, “Oh, I wish I known sooner. Being that I thought I was not invited, I accepted another invitation for that night. But I wish you much mazel tov.” I personally do not hold from that, and just accepted an invite to my son’s friend’s wedding which I received two weeks before the wedding. They said it was an oversight. I take them at tjheir word, but even if not, I believe it is a big zechus to not be broigez, and to be mesameach with someone, even at the last minute.May 25, 2011 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #877988
ty oomis i am completely past this issue is fine if i was invited or not life goes onMay 25, 2011 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #877989
Adorable. You are mixing up the 2 protaganists in the story. And yes, we should learn from history. Perhaps the lesson to be learned is, even if you did not get an invitation, you should still go to the simcha. Who knows, perhaps if Kamtza showed up, his friend would not have been so bothered that bar kamtza showed up as well. Perhaps he might have calmed him down. Perhaps things would have turned out differently. Perhaps that is the lesson we should learn, for after all it is referred to as the espisode of kamtza and bar kamtza. Why is kamtzas name attached to this episode, what did he do? His invitation never showed up in the mail, he is more of a side note. Perhaps he is linked to this episode by name, because he too is in some way at fault. Your friend is making a simcha, go say mazel tov and don’t stand on ceremony waiting for one. Certainly don’t be insulted.May 30, 2012 6:08 pm at 6:08 pm #877990
This person had another simcha several weeks ago and again i was the only one in the office not invited i guess it wasnt a postal error i guess my intuition was on the mark.May 30, 2012 7:49 pm at 7:49 pm #877991Feif UnParticipant
Goq, did you move at all in the past few years? Maybe the person has a different address for you, and used the same list for both weddings?May 30, 2012 7:59 pm at 7:59 pm #877992SaysMeMember
or your address is still wrong in his simcha spreadsheet list.
So sorry for the pain of exclusion. It feels really bad being excluded from a group. Last time round, you felt he had a reason to not want you there. Do you still feel a barrier between you two?May 30, 2012 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #877993
No i havent moved at all if he wanted my address he could asked me i see him several times a week. I’ve been living at this address since before ive known him.May 30, 2012 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #877994
“Do you still feel a barrier between you two?”
Being a never married older single male you get used to being excluded and not considered to be an adult and there unimportant or superfluous , example earlier this year at our Yeshiva dinner one of the honorees who knows everyone in the office made an effort to mention each employee by name in the journal one person wasn’t named, me i try to take these slights in stride but it can be quite vexing at times.May 30, 2012 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #877995cherrybimParticipant
Did it ever occur to you that either he or his wife just doesn’t like you? It happens. It happened to me in my shul. Someone with whom I have a wonderful relationship with was making a wedding and I didn’t get an invitation. So I asked him if it was an oversight and he fumphet some excuse and I realized that it was his wife. It’s not the end of the world.May 30, 2012 9:27 pm at 9:27 pm #877996SaysMeMember
“to mention each employee by name in the journal one person wasn’t named, me”
Ugh, that just disgusts me. Of course its vexing, and more. I wish someone else in the office would take note and say something!
it doesnt sound normal to not invite you just because you’re single though. If he has s/t against you, its wrong, but at least coming from somewhere. For no other reason is just nonsensical.May 30, 2012 10:14 pm at 10:14 pm #877997
cherry they barely know me thought i dont doubt that he has judged me harshly in his mind. I’ve never met his wife
and frankly cherrybim the fact that you have no sympathy for older singles is not news to me you have displayed your unfeeling and harsh ways before.May 30, 2012 11:02 pm at 11:02 pm #877998smartcookieMember
Goq, I can see you not being invited because someone doesn’t like you as a person(still makes it wrong), but cuz you’re single? What the he*k?May 30, 2012 11:16 pm at 11:16 pm #877999Shticky GuyParticipant
i guess my
intuition was on the mark.
Goq I felt for you last year as I feel for you this year. I know both male and female older singles who have told me similar stories. It is absolutely outrageous and lacks any mode of decency or basic middos. I guess that just cause this guy is IN tuition, it does not mean he HAS intuition! We though must work on our ????? too to be ?? ??? ???? even if we cannot see an obvious reason why you were left out.May 31, 2012 12:30 am at 12:30 am #878000mommamia22Participant
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling.
I know what it’s like to feel invisible. It happened to me on several occasions, and it really hurt me.
On one occasion, I was invited to a friend’s surprise bridal shower (we had been pretty close in the past, and lost touch). I happily came to the shower where EVERYONE was talking about the invitation and the upcoming wedding (I never received an invite). I was MORTIFIED and said nothing. When the kallah walked in, she saw me, and tried to fix it by awkwardly asking what my zip was, and, oh, she must have written the wrong zip (her reaction was a dead giveaway to all). Real busha.
I know it’s not the same thing. I think inviting everyone but one is rude.May 31, 2012 12:44 am at 12:44 am #878001🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
Goq: I dont think you read his post correctly. He didnt say the guy was right for feeling that way, he just said it might be the case. And then he sensitively pointed out that it happened to him as well.May 31, 2012 1:21 am at 1:21 am #878002
Ty shticky and mommamia, syag i appreciate you trying be dan lkaf zechus but cherrybim has a history of maligning single people on this site.May 31, 2012 2:34 am at 2:34 am #878003🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
🙁May 31, 2012 3:11 am at 3:11 am #878004
Dont be sad syag 🙂
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