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    I’m in the mood for some funny frum jokes


    The chazzan in my shul is such a brisker on shabbos he doesn’t even carry a tune


    You may have heard from this one but it’s hilarious- a brisker is waking when suddenly a guy jumps out at him with a gun, about to kill him. The brisker realizes this and says with so much kavana “Baruch ate Hashem elokeinu melech haolam al kiddush Hashem” the murderer is so moved he drops the gun and runs away. The brisker chases after him and says nu nu!!


    What type of pie is assur bihanah

    keyliam pie….ha ha ha ha ha


    An ffb, an otd, and a bt walk into a kiddush club……


    A bochur was eating soup with a fork and someone asked him “what are you doing?” he responded “lavud”

    One of the chevra

    A newly married brisker was seen eating on a taanis, when his wife reminded him it was a taanis he said “In brisk wer’e machmir to worry about even a very far cheshash of pikuach nefesh”

    When his wife sat down to join him, he said to her “In Brisk we hold that the wives don’t take on all the chumras”.


    How is a Brisker like the bnos Lot?

    Beider meinin az der Tatte iz der einziger in der velt.


    Maybe we should change this thread title to Brisk Jokes…



    Ok non brisker one- a shvigger came to her son in laws house to visit and he asked her “how long are you gonna stay for?” she replied “as long you want” so he said “you’re not even gonna stay for a cup of coffee?”

    Patur Aval Assur

    A Brisker and a Na Nach are roommates. Before going to sleep the Na Nach says with devotion “Naaaa”. The Brisker says “sssshhhhh”. The Na Nach then says “Naaaach”. Again the Brisker says “ssshhh”. The Na Nach then says “Naaachmaaa” and again the Brisker says “ssshhh”. The Na Nach says “Naaachmaaan” and again the Brisker says “ssshhh”. The Na Nach finally says “Meumaaaan” and the Brisker finally says “ssshhheeemmmaaa”.


    I once heard that briskers are makpid to eat on certain fast days which are only drabbunun because of the dorysah of u`shmartem es nafshoseichem.

    Given that…

    A newly married brisker comes home after shachris on asuhra b`teves and sees a bare dining room table. Turning to his wife, he asks, “where’s breakfast?”

    “but its asuhra b`teves”, she replies in wonderment.

    “I thought you knew that briskers are makpid to eat though”, he retorts.

    “Ok. I didn’t realize”, she says. “why don’t you go into the living room and learn a little while I make breakfast?”

    Twenty minutes later the Kallah calls in her husband for breakfast. Seeing the table set for two, he turns to his wife and asks “why is the table set for two?”

    “What do you mean? I made us breakfast”, she answers.

    the husband turns to his wife and asks, “But who said you’re frum enough to keep my chumrahs?”


    What should you do if you miss your Shvigger?

    Reload, & shoot again!


    A yekki tells his wife “I’m gonna be home late from maariv tonight” she asked why he said “we started saying visein tal umattur”


    A person was in the cemetery and he sees a person standing by grave diggers who were digging a grave. He looks and sees that the grave is 18 feet deep. The passerby is shocked and asks the person what’s going on. The person answered that the grave was for his mother in law and that they said about her that deep down she was a very nice person.


    How to annoy the pizza guy when you’re ordering pizza

    1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 2. Ask for extra homo-sapien. 3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30. 6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 7. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 9. Order a one-inch pizza. 10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 11. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue. 13. Change your accent every three seconds. 14. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.” 15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 17. Imitate the order taker’s voice. 18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. 19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 20. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.” 21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.” 22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 24. When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.” 25. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”


    Or you could just implement your usual annoying strategies, such as finishing every sentence with “in accordance with the prophecy”.


    A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some loser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

    “Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

    “Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

    The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but yentas and hockey players up there.”

    “Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”

    The boy replied, “No kidding??? Who did she play for?”


    i tried the pizza thing. there is a warrant out for my arrest


    Once there was a Belzer, in accordance with the prophecy. He lived in Canadabut did not play hockey in accordance with the prophecy.

    GG yekke

    call a pizza shop who do deliveries and ask them ‘DO you deliver?’ when they say ‘yes’ ask: ‘Can i please have 2 chicken livers’ and then they will say ‘we don’t do liver’ so you ask ‘does that mean i have to come pick my order up’ and they answer ‘no we deliver’ and it just goes on and on….

    GG yekke

    the problem is when you phone a goyshe pizza shop which DO sell liver aswell.

    someone i know phoned up ‘Pizza HUt’ and when they told him that they deliver he asked ‘can i please have 2 chicken livers?’ they said ‘Yes’………..

    GG yekke

    a friend of mine phoned a butcher and asked ‘Do you have chicken?’ so he answered ‘of course’ so my friend asked ‘do you have chicken legs?’ and the butcher answered ‘yes’ to which my friend replied: ‘then you must look pretty stupid!!!’


    Why are NYers so depressed?

    Because the light at the end of the tunnel is NJ 🙂




    That explains why the birds are coming back. At least if there’s no light at the end of the tunnel there should be something to look up to.


    Blonde paint job

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

    The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

    The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

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