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  • #2056069
    Participant
    Participant

    A man walks into a pet shop.
    “How much is that parrot?” he asks.
    “Ten thousand dollars.”
    “What? Ten grand for a parrot??”
    “This is no simple parrot. He knows the entire sefer tehillim by heart.”
    “Oh, I understand. How much is that parrot?”
    “Twenty thousand.”
    “What???? Twenty grand for a parrot??”
    “This is no simple parrot. He know the entire tehillim and mishnayes by heart.”
    “Oh. How much is that one?”
    “Fifty thousand.”
    “What??????”
    “Yes. He knows tehillim, mishnayos, and the entires has buy heart.”
    “Wow. Well, how much is that one?”
    “One hundred thousand.”
    “What???? What does he know?????”
    “To be honest, I’m not sure what he knows. But all the other parrots refer to him as “Kvod HaRav.”

    #2056112
    LashonH
    Participant

    You see HASHEM!!!!!!!! mazal tov you have made it.

    #2056113
    LashonH
    Participant

    How many Mr. beans does it take to change a light bulb? Leave you comments down below also don’t forget to leave a like and subscribe. Some one told me I’m not funny but he is just projecting.

    #2056133
    Ysiegel
    Participant

    How many Mossad agents does it take to change a light bulb?

    We’ll never know…

    #2056134
    Ysiegel
    Participant

    Mods didn’t let my other Lubavitcher jokes on, so let’s see about these:
    How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb? Ehhh the old one’s still good…

    How many Meshichistim….? The old one never died!

    How many anti-meshichistim…? They prefer to live in the dark!

    How many Russians? Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to drink until the entire room spins!

    #2056136
    Ysiegel
    Participant

    Why did the pe’ah and the bikkurim go out to play? Because they didn’t have a shiyir!

    #2056143
    BIGBOCHUR
    Participant

    Jerry walks up to his reform Rabbi and asks “Rabbi, my father is very ill and he will drop dead any day now and I have a major business event for the whole of next week, can I start sitting Shiva now?”. The reform Rabbi answers “No problem”. A few days later, Robert walks up to the reform Rabbi and asks “Rabbi, my son is sitting Shiva, do I have a chiyuv of Nichum Aveilim?”.

    #2056137
    Ysiegel
    Participant

    (Hebrew based joke:)
    Breslover goes to a gas station to pay.
    Clerk: mezuman?
    Breslover: bechavod!
    Confused clerk: umm.. ashrai?
    Breslover: ashrecha!

    #2056215
    Lostspark
    Participant

    On Yom Kippur the Rabbi stands up before the tzibur and strikes his chest he cries out “HaShem! I am nothing before you!” Moved to tears, the richest man in the shul follows, he stands up crying “I as well HaShem, I am even less, a totally nothing!”

    Overtaken, a man stands up in the back of shul and begins yelling out he is nothing through sobs.

    The Rabbi turns to the rich man and asks “Who is this nobody telling a us he’s nothing?”

    #2056223
    Johnny Picklesauce
    Participant

    A Rav is giving a mussar shmooze to his Kehila about using every moment, and not wasting a second:
    “Every single person in this Kehila will die one day!”
    The whole Kehila bursts in tears and shaking of fright, but there’s one man in the back, who’s laughing his head off!
    “Why in the world are you laughing”,asks the Rav.
    Says the man,”Because I’m not part of this Kehila!”

    #2056454
    Participant
    Participant

    Sara wakes up one morning but stays in bed.
    Her mother comes to her room, “Come on Sara, time for school.”
    “I’m not going to school anymore,” Sara says. “The teachers hate me, the kids make fun of me, and all it is is work, work, work.”
    “Come on Sara, you have to go to school,” her mother chides her. “You’re the principal.”

    #2056460
    Participant
    Participant

    pretty famous joke. but if u didn’t hear it yet, it’s a good one.

    A lawyer is driving down the street in his sports car when he sees the most miserable looking man he’s ever seen. His clothes are torn and dirty, he’s skinny as skin, and his glasses are held together with a string.
    “Sir,” he asks, rolling down the window, “have you eaten anything today?”
    “No,” the man said. “Except for some grass.”
    “Oh my goodness,” the lawyer says. “Well, hop in the car. I’ll take you over to my estate.”
    The man can’t believe his good fortune and eagerly hops into the car. “Can my wife and child come, too?” he asks.
    “Yes,” the lawyer responds, “But I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
    “They’re just down the block,” the man says, pointing. “I have elderly parents who are ill. Maybe they can come along?”
    “Sure, sure,” the lawyer says. “We just have to hurry.”
    “And how about my sister in law? She’s been living with us for the past month, after she was evicted.”
    “As long as we do it fast,” the lawyer says, a tad impatiently, “I don’t care how many people. The grass in my backyard is over foot long.”

    #2056480
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Lostspark, this happened in Nevardak where there greatness was how they saw themselves as nothing compared to Slabodka where they looked at their potential through their great neshama. When a bachur arrived tp Nevardak. he saw the others say that they are nothing. so he followed them and was told, who are you to say you are nothing?

    #2056486
    Lostspark
    Participant

    Dang Reb my joke isn’t funny anymore 😔

    #2056805
    Participant
    Participant

    Walking down the street in Harlem, a policeman observes a resident pickpocketing another. The pickpocket notices him, and before the cop could react, bellows at his neighbor, “Yo man! What’s MY hand doin’ in YOUR pocket?”

    #2057510
    Participant
    Participant

    A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child’s life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.
    “Tell us! What’s your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow’s headline will be: ‘Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”

    The man said, “But I’m not from Paris.”

    Reporters: “That’s OK. Then the whole of France will love you, and tomorrow’s headline will read: ‘French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”

    The man said, “I’m not from France, either.”

    Reporters: “That’s OK also. All of Europe will love you. Tomorrow’s headlines will shout: ‘Europe’s Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”

    The man said, “I’m not from Europe, either.”

    Reporters: “So, where ARE you from?”

    The man said, “I’m from Israel.”

    Next day’s headlines: “Vicious Israeli Kills Family Pet”

    #2057528
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    “Yo man! What’s MY hand doin’ in YOUR pocket?”

    The Gemara has a line with a dog biting someone’s hand that asks what’s your hand doing in the dog’s mouth

    #2057575
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    Participant, your joke is a tragic joke of the demonstration of antisemitism.

    #2057588
    Participant
    Participant

    What is red and really bad for your teeth?

    A flying brick.

    #2057589
    Participant
    Participant

    When I was young, I wanted to play the violin really badly. After years of diligence, practice, and hard work, I can now play the violin really badly.

    #2057590
    Participant
    Participant

    I know of a good racist joke.
    Donald Trump.

    #2057591
    Participant
    Participant

    Biden: “If I got a, you know, well, quarter for every eh, george, eh, for every smart thing I said, I’d have two dimes.”

    #2057592
    Participant
    Participant

    Coming from the man who boasted on his first press conference that under his administration, the economy reached the highest ever since the pandemic.

    #2058289
    Participant
    Participant

    The man walks away and recognizes someone else. The once all-popular, handsome, tall teenager, now gray-haired, fat, and old. “Hey,” he approaches him. “You’re John?”
    “Yes,” John responds. “Who’re you?”
    “Gary Smith.”
    John thinks for a minute. “What class did you teach?”

    #2059804
    joe blow
    Participant

    A man hears the doorbell, when he opens it he sees his mother in law. Behind her he sees a tall pile of suitcases.

    Paleing and beginning to sweat he asks “m-m-m-my d-d-d-dear m-m-mother in law wha wha whaaat b-b-b-b brings you here.” “Oh I came to visit.” Sweating even more he asks, “T-t-To V-v-visit?! F-f-for how long.” “Oh. as long as I am wanted.”

    Smiling the man replies “Oh my dear mother in law you have come from so far away, bought so many suitcases and you won’t even come in for some coffee?

    #2061023
    moishekapoieh
    Participant

    A priest walks into a Jewish neighborhood and stops a little boy
    Can you tell me where is the library here
    Just make a right, then a left and you’re there.
    Thank you and if you ever have any question, come see me.
    Why should I, if you don’t know where the library is, how would you know anything else?

    #2061206
    huju
    Participant

    Participant’s joke about wanting to play the violin badly goes back at least to the time of Abraham (Lincoln). He said when he first saw Mary Todd at a dance that he was immediately smitten and wanted to dance with her in the worst way. And she told him he did.

    #2063109
    TS Baum
    Participant

    There are three types of Jews; a shlemiel, a shlemazel and a nudnick. In a typical situation the shlemiel spills boiling hot soup on the shlemazel, the nudnick shouts out “what flavor was the soup?” (:

    #2063142

    For those of you who are new here:

    Jokes

    #2063591
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    The gemora mentions the greatness of Rebbi Yanasan ben Uziel where a bird got burned when he spoke from the air of his mouth. The chasid says, how great he was, the litvak asks was he a mazik, and the yekke asks, was it baked well?

    #2063846
    GotAGoodPoint
    Participant

    RandOm3x – Thank you! Much appreciated!

    #2064207
    vustits420
    Participant

    Every Jew needs 2 shuls in his life. One they daven at and one they will never step foot into

    #2064589
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    A bachar arrived to Novardok and hears the others say ich bin gornisht, I am nobody. so he follows them. He is being retorted, what gives you the right to say you are nothing.

    #2064594
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Reb eliezer,

    There’s a famous joke

    A bunch of guys are in jail and one shouts out 46

    Everyone starts laughing

    Someone else shouts out 17

    More raucous laughter

    A new guy in jail asks his friend “what are they doing” and is told they’ve been in jail for so long they know each other’s jokes and put it in order of number

    Upon hearing this he gets up and shouts “33”

    There’s dead silence

    The newbie asks his friend why didn’t anyone laugh

    The friend shoots back

    “You have to know how to tell a joke”

    The same applies here

    #2064649
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    coffee addict, I don’t know what is the point for the jail joke. Either I don’t know how to tell the joke or it is well known and does not need to be told.

    #2066643
    GotAGoodPoint
    Participant

    You gotta admit it – Putin deserves credit for one thing.
    He ended the entire Covid pandemic in just 24 hours!

    #2067150
    TS Baum
    Participant

    @GotAGoodPoint
    You’ve got a good point there!

    #2067316
    moishekapoieh
    Participant

    it’s on the tip of your nose

    #2067786
    huju
    Participant

    I know a guy who is so much of a WASP (American sense) that when he tells an ethnic joke, it’s about Swedes.

    #2068015
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant
    #2068223
    Participant
    Participant

    An old lady sees a young boy at the crosswalk and helps him cross. She’s feeling good about her good deed until she hears the boy telling his friend “I helped an old lady cross the street.”

    #2068279
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    I heard from Rav Sheinberg the interpretation of the bracha משען ומבטח לצדיקים, as he was holding on to me and considering me a tzadik.

    #2068290
    Reb Eliezer
    Participant

    The translation of the above is, to rely and put your trust on tzadikim.

    #2068479
    Kuvult
    Participant

    A Modern Orthodox, Yeshivish and big Rosh Yeshiva die at the same time. They’re greeted by an Angel. He says to the modern Orthodox, “You’ve lived a good life. Go to room 22 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
    Next he tells the Yeshivish man, “You were a big masmid. Go to room 17, but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
    Next he tells the Rosh Yeshiva, “You taught so much Torah. Go to room 12 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
    The Rosh Yeshiva says, “I understand putting us in different rooms but why do we have to be quiet when we pass room 8?”
    The Angel responds, “Because the Chasidim are in room 8 and they think they’re the only ones here.”

    #2068496
    Zaphod Beeblebrox
    Participant

    Similar to the prison joke:

    A newbie is in prison and he hears one guy yell out 29! And everybody bursts out laughing. Another man gets up and yells 96! And everyone again bursts out laughing. So he asks the guy next to him, what’s going on? The man replies, these guys have been in here so long that they just have numbers for all the jokes.

    So the newbie gets up and yells 134!

    The whole place goes nuts with laughter, people are falling off their chairs, it’s crazy. The newbie turns to the guy next to home and asks what on earth just happened?!

    With tears of laughter still running down his face the guy replies: we’ve never heard that one before!!

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