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- This topic has 103 replies, 29 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 1 week ago by #schwarbombs.
January 30, 2022 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #2056069
A man walks into a pet shop.
“How much is that parrot?” he asks.
“Ten thousand dollars.”
“What? Ten grand for a parrot??”
“This is no simple parrot. He knows the entire sefer tehillim by heart.”
“Oh, I understand. How much is that parrot?”
“What???? Twenty grand for a parrot??”
“This is no simple parrot. He know the entire tehillim and mishnayes by heart.”
“Oh. How much is that one?”
“Yes. He knows tehillim, mishnayos, and the entires has buy heart.”
“Wow. Well, how much is that one?”
“One hundred thousand.”
“What???? What does he know?????”
“To be honest, I’m not sure what he knows. But all the other parrots refer to him as “Kvod HaRav.”January 30, 2022 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #2056112LashonHParticipant
You see HASHEM!!!!!!!! mazal tov you have made it.January 30, 2022 5:04 pm at 5:04 pm #2056113LashonHParticipant
How many Mr. beans does it take to change a light bulb? Leave you comments down below also don’t forget to leave a like and subscribe. Some one told me I’m not funny but he is just projecting.January 30, 2022 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #2056133
How many Mossad agents does it take to change a light bulb?
We’ll never know…January 30, 2022 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #2056134
Mods didn’t let my other Lubavitcher jokes on, so let’s see about these:
How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb? Ehhh the old one’s still good…
How many Meshichistim….? The old one never died!
How many anti-meshichistim…? They prefer to live in the dark!
How many Russians? Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to drink until the entire room spins!January 30, 2022 8:10 pm at 8:10 pm #2056136
Why did the pe’ah and the bikkurim go out to play? Because they didn’t have a shiyir!January 30, 2022 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #2056143BIGBOCHURParticipant
Jerry walks up to his reform Rabbi and asks “Rabbi, my father is very ill and he will drop dead any day now and I have a major business event for the whole of next week, can I start sitting Shiva now?”. The reform Rabbi answers “No problem”. A few days later, Robert walks up to the reform Rabbi and asks “Rabbi, my son is sitting Shiva, do I have a chiyuv of Nichum Aveilim?”.January 30, 2022 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #2056137
(Hebrew based joke:)
Breslover goes to a gas station to pay.
Confused clerk: umm.. ashrai?
Breslover: ashrecha!January 30, 2022 10:26 pm at 10:26 pm #2056215LostsparkParticipant
On Yom Kippur the Rabbi stands up before the tzibur and strikes his chest he cries out “HaShem! I am nothing before you!” Moved to tears, the richest man in the shul follows, he stands up crying “I as well HaShem, I am even less, a totally nothing!”
Overtaken, a man stands up in the back of shul and begins yelling out he is nothing through sobs.
The Rabbi turns to the rich man and asks “Who is this nobody telling a us he’s nothing?”January 30, 2022 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #2056223Johnny PicklesauceParticipant
A Rav is giving a mussar shmooze to his Kehila about using every moment, and not wasting a second:
“Every single person in this Kehila will die one day!”
The whole Kehila bursts in tears and shaking of fright, but there’s one man in the back, who’s laughing his head off!
“Why in the world are you laughing”,asks the Rav.
Says the man,”Because I’m not part of this Kehila!”January 31, 2022 5:45 pm at 5:45 pm #2056454
Sara wakes up one morning but stays in bed.
Her mother comes to her room, “Come on Sara, time for school.”
“I’m not going to school anymore,” Sara says. “The teachers hate me, the kids make fun of me, and all it is is work, work, work.”
“Come on Sara, you have to go to school,” her mother chides her. “You’re the principal.”January 31, 2022 6:36 pm at 6:36 pm #2056460
pretty famous joke. but if u didn’t hear it yet, it’s a good one.
A lawyer is driving down the street in his sports car when he sees the most miserable looking man he’s ever seen. His clothes are torn and dirty, he’s skinny as skin, and his glasses are held together with a string.
“Sir,” he asks, rolling down the window, “have you eaten anything today?”
“No,” the man said. “Except for some grass.”
“Oh my goodness,” the lawyer says. “Well, hop in the car. I’ll take you over to my estate.”
The man can’t believe his good fortune and eagerly hops into the car. “Can my wife and child come, too?” he asks.
“Yes,” the lawyer responds, “But I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
“They’re just down the block,” the man says, pointing. “I have elderly parents who are ill. Maybe they can come along?”
“Sure, sure,” the lawyer says. “We just have to hurry.”
“And how about my sister in law? She’s been living with us for the past month, after she was evicted.”
“As long as we do it fast,” the lawyer says, a tad impatiently, “I don’t care how many people. The grass in my backyard is over foot long.”January 31, 2022 7:01 pm at 7:01 pm #2056480
Lostspark, this happened in Nevardak where there greatness was how they saw themselves as nothing compared to Slabodka where they looked at their potential through their great neshama. When a bachur arrived tp Nevardak. he saw the others say that they are nothing. so he followed them and was told, who are you to say you are nothing?January 31, 2022 8:29 pm at 8:29 pm #2056486LostsparkParticipant
Dang Reb my joke isn’t funny anymore 😔February 1, 2022 6:32 pm at 6:32 pm #2056805
Walking down the street in Harlem, a policeman observes a resident pickpocketing another. The pickpocket notices him, and before the cop could react, bellows at his neighbor, “Yo man! What’s MY hand doin’ in YOUR pocket?”February 3, 2022 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #2057510
A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child’s life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.
“Tell us! What’s your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow’s headline will be: ‘Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”
The man said, “But I’m not from Paris.”
Reporters: “That’s OK. Then the whole of France will love you, and tomorrow’s headline will read: ‘French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”
The man said, “I’m not from France, either.”
Reporters: “That’s OK also. All of Europe will love you. Tomorrow’s headlines will shout: ‘Europe’s Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'”
The man said, “I’m not from Europe, either.”
Reporters: “So, where ARE you from?”
The man said, “I’m from Israel.”
Next day’s headlines: “Vicious Israeli Kills Family Pet”February 3, 2022 4:31 pm at 4:31 pm #2057528☕️coffee addictParticipant
“Yo man! What’s MY hand doin’ in YOUR pocket?”
The Gemara has a line with a dog biting someone’s hand that asks what’s your hand doing in the dog’s mouthFebruary 3, 2022 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #2057575
Participant, your joke is a tragic joke of the demonstration of antisemitism.February 3, 2022 6:48 pm at 6:48 pm #2057588
What is red and really bad for your teeth?
A flying brick.February 3, 2022 6:48 pm at 6:48 pm #2057589
When I was young, I wanted to play the violin really badly. After years of diligence, practice, and hard work, I can now play the violin really badly.February 3, 2022 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #2057590
I know of a good racist joke.
Donald Trump.February 3, 2022 7:09 pm at 7:09 pm #2057591
Biden: “If I got a, you know, well, quarter for every eh, george, eh, for every smart thing I said, I’d have two dimes.”February 3, 2022 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #2057592
Coming from the man who boasted on his first press conference that under his administration, the economy reached the highest ever since the pandemic.February 7, 2022 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #2058289
The man walks away and recognizes someone else. The once all-popular, handsome, tall teenager, now gray-haired, fat, and old. “Hey,” he approaches him. “You’re John?”
“Yes,” John responds. “Who’re you?”
John thinks for a minute. “What class did you teach?”February 13, 2022 8:41 am at 8:41 am #2059804joe blowParticipant
A man hears the doorbell, when he opens it he sees his mother in law. Behind her he sees a tall pile of suitcases.
Paleing and beginning to sweat he asks “m-m-m-my d-d-d-dear m-m-mother in law wha wha whaaat b-b-b-b brings you here.” “Oh I came to visit.” Sweating even more he asks, “T-t-To V-v-visit?! F-f-for how long.” “Oh. as long as I am wanted.”
Smiling the man replies “Oh my dear mother in law you have come from so far away, bought so many suitcases and you won’t even come in for some coffee?February 16, 2022 12:45 pm at 12:45 pm #2061023
A priest walks into a Jewish neighborhood and stops a little boy
Can you tell me where is the library here
Just make a right, then a left and you’re there.
Thank you and if you ever have any question, come see me.
Why should I, if you don’t know where the library is, how would you know anything else?February 16, 2022 6:02 pm at 6:02 pm #2061206hujuParticipant
Participant’s joke about wanting to play the violin badly goes back at least to the time of Abraham (Lincoln). He said when he first saw Mary Todd at a dance that he was immediately smitten and wanted to dance with her in the worst way. And she told him he did.February 22, 2022 8:46 pm at 8:46 pm #2063109TS BaumParticipant
There are three types of Jews; a shlemiel, a shlemazel and a nudnick. In a typical situation the shlemiel spills boiling hot soup on the shlemazel, the nudnick shouts out “what flavor was the soup?” (:February 23, 2022 2:35 am at 2:35 am #2063142☢️ Rand0m3x 🎲Participant
For those of you who are new here:February 24, 2022 2:00 pm at 2:00 pm #2063591
The gemora mentions the greatness of Rebbi Yanasan ben Uziel where a bird got burned when he spoke from the air of his mouth. The chasid says, how great he was, the litvak asks was he a mazik, and the yekke asks, was it baked well?February 24, 2022 7:41 pm at 7:41 pm #2063846GotAGoodPointParticipant
RandOm3x – Thank you! Much appreciated!February 26, 2022 7:40 pm at 7:40 pm #2064207vustits420Participant
Every Jew needs 2 shuls in his life. One they daven at and one they will never step foot intoFebruary 27, 2022 6:04 pm at 6:04 pm #2064589
A bachar arrived to Novardok and hears the others say ich bin gornisht, I am nobody. so he follows them. He is being retorted, what gives you the right to say you are nothing.February 27, 2022 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #2064594☕️coffee addictParticipant
There’s a famous joke
A bunch of guys are in jail and one shouts out 46
Everyone starts laughing
Someone else shouts out 17
More raucous laughter
A new guy in jail asks his friend “what are they doing” and is told they’ve been in jail for so long they know each other’s jokes and put it in order of number
Upon hearing this he gets up and shouts “33”
There’s dead silence
The newbie asks his friend why didn’t anyone laugh
The friend shoots back
“You have to know how to tell a joke”
The same applies hereFebruary 27, 2022 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #2064649
coffee addict, I don’t know what is the point for the jail joke. Either I don’t know how to tell the joke or it is well known and does not need to be told.March 6, 2022 7:59 pm at 7:59 pm #2066643GotAGoodPointParticipant
You gotta admit it – Putin deserves credit for one thing.
He ended the entire Covid pandemic in just 24 hours!March 8, 2022 7:44 am at 7:44 am #2067150TS BaumParticipant
You’ve got a good point there!March 8, 2022 1:30 pm at 1:30 pm #2067316
it’s on the tip of your noseMarch 9, 2022 2:34 pm at 2:34 pm #2067786hujuParticipant
I know a guy who is so much of a WASP (American sense) that when he tells an ethnic joke, it’s about Swedes.March 10, 2022 9:48 am at 9:48 am #2068015March 10, 2022 4:48 pm at 4:48 pm #2068223
An old lady sees a young boy at the crosswalk and helps him cross. She’s feeling good about her good deed until she hears the boy telling his friend “I helped an old lady cross the street.”March 10, 2022 6:56 pm at 6:56 pm #2068279
I heard from Rav Sheinberg the interpretation of the bracha משען ומבטח לצדיקים, as he was holding on to me and considering me a tzadik.March 10, 2022 8:58 pm at 8:58 pm #2068290
The translation of the above is, to rely and put your trust on tzadikim.March 11, 2022 4:26 pm at 4:26 pm #2068479KuvultParticipant
A Modern Orthodox, Yeshivish and big Rosh Yeshiva die at the same time. They’re greeted by an Angel. He says to the modern Orthodox, “You’ve lived a good life. Go to room 22 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
Next he tells the Yeshivish man, “You were a big masmid. Go to room 17, but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
Next he tells the Rosh Yeshiva, “You taught so much Torah. Go to room 12 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
The Rosh Yeshiva says, “I understand putting us in different rooms but why do we have to be quiet when we pass room 8?”
The Angel responds, “Because the Chasidim are in room 8 and they think they’re the only ones here.”March 12, 2022 10:15 pm at 10:15 pm #2068496Zaphod BeeblebroxParticipant
Similar to the prison joke:
A newbie is in prison and he hears one guy yell out 29! And everybody bursts out laughing. Another man gets up and yells 96! And everyone again bursts out laughing. So he asks the guy next to him, what’s going on? The man replies, these guys have been in here so long that they just have numbers for all the jokes.
So the newbie gets up and yells 134!
The whole place goes nuts with laughter, people are falling off their chairs, it’s crazy. The newbie turns to the guy next to home and asks what on earth just happened?!
With tears of laughter still running down his face the guy replies: we’ve never heard that one before!!September 7, 2022 6:00 pm at 6:00 pm #2122250
Husband: Tea or coffee?
Wife: I told you coffee three times already! Why don’t you listen when I talk?
Husband: I’m listening, I’m listening. Lipton or Earl Gray?September 7, 2022 6:01 pm at 6:01 pm #2122251
A guy goes to the cashier to pay for his newspaper.
“Two dollars,” says the cashier.
“Two dollars? It says in the corner one dollar.”
Cashier: “Seriously? It’s 2022 and you still believe everything you see in the paper?”September 7, 2022 6:01 pm at 6:01 pm #2122252
Cost of milk so high these days, I’m considering buying a hybrid cow.September 8, 2022 9:08 am at 9:08 am #2122402
What’s Moshe Rabbeinu’s last name?
Vayedaber Hashem El Moshe leimor…
“Leimor”September 9, 2022 10:50 am at 10:50 am #2122930KuvultParticipant
From the old Soviet days.
A KGB Agent walks up to a Jew learning Hebrew & says, “Why are you wasting your time? You know we’ll never let you leave.”
The Jew says, “Oh no, I’m learning Hebrew so when I get to heaven I’ll be able to talk to people.”
The Agent smirks, “And what if you go to hell?”
The Jew replies, “I already speak Russian.”
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