December 3, 2009 7:35 pm at 7:35 pm #590905
Hi, e/o I am the last girl in my class single.. s/t by reunion all speak about their husbands.. babies etc. i feel left out!
I know e/t is bashert, and when hashem will want he will give me my basherta.
but why do they act strage.. or cross the street when they find me?December 3, 2009 8:18 pm at 8:18 pm #669618haifagirlParticipant
Hi smileyface. I love your screen name, it’s very optimistic.
It is very difficult to be in your situation. Everyone is talking about diapers and sheitels and you just have nothing to contribute.
Don’t blame people for acting strange. Chances are they would like to give you support, but have no idea what to say. And when people don’t know what to say, they frequently avoid the situation. I’m sure it isn’t YOU they want to avoid.
You can help them by making the first move. You go over and talk to them. Let them know how happy you are for them. And remind them you are still looking. Perhaps they know somebody.
Much hatzlacha to you.December 3, 2009 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #669619
Wow, guess it’s a good thing reunion only comes once a year. I know that at the stage your friends are at, it’s just a relief to get out and have someone to share experiences with but it’s also a relief to get out and have adult conversation. Surely there are things you can talk about, from the newest Jewish movie to books, to current events, etc.
Why they act strange? I can’t say. It’s not like you’re wearing a T shirt that says “last one single”. So you’re not married yet. If you have the smiley face you claim as a name they should be returning it. Keep smiling and may Hashem be memalei kol mishalos libeich l’tovah.December 3, 2009 8:39 pm at 8:39 pm #669620BodekParticipant
Smiley face, I totally feel for you. I too am the last girl in my class…(at least I’m not the last one in my grade!) Just remember – Achrona Achrona Chaviva!December 3, 2009 8:43 pm at 8:43 pm #669621
Well, SOMEONE has to be the last one! You’ll find yours someday soon, B”EH. It just means you waited for the one who doesn’t cross the street when he finds you – unless he IS already across the street! Don’t worry so much, your anxiety could end up getting picked up by the guys you date, and most guys don’t like feeling like a girl is desperate. There is no need for you to feel that way. Hashem will send the right guy to you when you least expect it. Just do your own hishtadlus and put yourself out there. Hatzlacha rabbah.December 3, 2009 8:47 pm at 8:47 pm #669622
Thanks to all of you! I am not @ all worried.. I know hashem will send me my bashert I just needed some chizuk thanks to you all.December 3, 2009 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #669623NY MomMember
smileyface: You have a very good attitude towards finding your bashert. Hashem should help you find your zivug hagun b’karov!
As far as you classmates are concerned, I would say that when they avoid you, they are feeling uncomfortable and don’t know what to say to you, so they just try to get out of the situation however possible. If you do bump into one of your classmates, take the lead and just start speaking naturally to them about topics that are comfortable for you.
I’m sorry that you felt left out at the class reunion. But try to understand that reunions are occasions to “catch up” with each other, tell others what’s going on in your life – and husbands and babies are part of what is happening in their lives. Now, they should be sensitive to you and make sure to show an interest in what you are doing, and they should understand you haven’t yet reached that stage of a husband and children, but there should be understanding from you, as well.
Also, please see the recent thread regarding a new shidduch website called http://www.shidduchworld.org.
Hope this helps you and hatzlochoh rabbah!December 3, 2009 9:29 pm at 9:29 pm #669624mazcaMember
Well smileyface be careful dont rush into anything just because you are the last one. I always told my daughters it is not the first or the last it has to be the best for you that will last. May Hashem guide you to your zivug at the right time.December 3, 2009 10:19 pm at 10:19 pm #669627bptParticipant
I feel funny being the only male to comment, but if it helps, look at it this way:
(discalimer: this is story is about a YU / UWS couple, so it may not apply to everyone, but the point is relevant)
Pesach 1995, one of my friends was dating someone, and unsure of where things were going, and to further complicate things, someone else who he DID want to date, ahd just come available. By Summer 1995 he was dating girl # 2, but it was also stalled.
By Nov. 1995 he was married to girl # 2.
Point is, 7 months before his wedding, he had not even dated his wife. Once things click, they start steamrolling fast. In fact, there is every likelyhood you might get engaged before this thread is closed! (And be sure to post the good news on the CR)December 3, 2009 10:28 pm at 10:28 pm #669628
Smileyface: You say that you feel left out when your classmates speak about their husbands and kids, maybe that is the problem. Your classmates may notice that you’re feeling that way and are avoiding you so they don’t make you uncomfortable. like NY MOM said you should try taking the lead in the conversation and I’ll add that you should even talk to them about their husbands/kids so they won’t feel they have to avoid talking about the most important people in their lives.December 3, 2009 10:36 pm at 10:36 pm #669629bptParticipant
Another suggestion – You might consider posting a brief outline of what your looking for:
Yeshivish, or MO
Learner or Worker
Acceptable age range
What continent (no telling from the web where anyone is today, so that’s important)
That way, if someone has somethhing of relevance, we can froward a contact to the Moderator
With the readership YW CR has, someone may know him!December 3, 2009 10:37 pm at 10:37 pm #669630memyselfandi19Member
I know how you feel as an “older” singler (early 20’s) but not the last in my class.
I, and many others that I know, don’t go to class reuinions for that reason. I am very impressed that you stick it out and try to maintain the friendship. It is rough, but just try and act normal and neutral and not to be insulted. PPl dont mean bad- I hope. They just dont realize.December 4, 2009 12:39 am at 12:39 am #669631
“I know how you feel as an “older” singler (early 20’s)”
I know it’s different for girls but early 20’s really is still young. Now I’m curious, I know it’s not polite to ask but , Smileyface, if you don’t mind saying around how old are you?December 4, 2009 2:21 am at 2:21 am #669632pookieMember
hang in thereDecember 4, 2009 3:33 am at 3:33 am #669633tamazaballMember
maybe your guy is your same age, my sis didnt get married until she was 23 because her husband was also 23 when he got married and guys mature later than girls,.. so dont worry..December 4, 2009 3:39 am at 3:39 am #669634
I overheard a conversation lately between girls in their mid twenties. They were telling each other how all their recent dates ended with the guy rejecting them. They were saying it’s as if the guys go on dates to find something wrong with the girls. It’s easier for the guys to get another girl to go out with than for the girls to find the next boy to go out with. Being involved in redding Shidduchim myself, most often it’s been the guys rejecting. I’ve heard lots of girls saying it and that has been my experience as well. I’ve observed that the girls are much more willing to give things a chance and consider Shidduchim even if its not their fantasy Shidduch.
What is there to do?December 4, 2009 6:45 am at 6:45 am #669636bein_hasdorimParticipant
smileyface; I can relate to what your going through, as I was the last in my class too. When the proper one comes along, it happens so fast, you can hardly
catch your breath. May you be Zoche to share the good news in the CR,
in the near future.
Don’t worry, for perhaps your Zivug is very special person,
and as they say, “you gotta wait for good things!
(They also say, nice guys finish last):)December 4, 2009 2:36 pm at 2:36 pm #669637
AZOI.IS: maybe better chinuch for the boys, from the home and at the institutional level?December 4, 2009 2:46 pm at 2:46 pm #669638
Thank You! Thank You! all for your warm wishes and nice chizuk! I am totally not worried..I just started reading a book on bituchin that gives me chizuk as well. I know the right one will come. I guess this is just a test! and I got to stay strong!!I always say it doesn’t make a difference when u get engaged. The difference is to whom u get engaged!!!
Smilyface 🙂December 4, 2009 2:56 pm at 2:56 pm #669639
I also wanted to add 1 more thing. when I come to simchas! people always press my hand strong and wish me. IM”H BY YOU OIF SIMCHAS!!!!!B’KURIV! I know they are trying to be nice, but I always like the people who just tell me mazel tov.December 4, 2009 3:15 pm at 3:15 pm #669640
“I’ve observed that the girls are much more willing to give things a chance and consider Shidduchim even if its not their fantasy Shidduch.”
I completely disagree. IMO girls are far less likely to agree to a second date than guys are, most guys feel that it’s not right to say no to a second date unless you can tell 100% that there’s no way the Shidduch will work (e.g. embarrassed to be seen with the girl. Many girls on the other hand believe that everything has to be perfect on the first date and will say no b/c of something ridiculous like the guy not answering one of their questions with the exact answer they wanted. Once you get past the second date and presumably the issue of attraction is out of the way, girls are also more likely to end things b/c something wasn’t perfect. Of course there are many good reasons not to continue to go out with someone but from what I’ve seen/heard in the cases where everything seems to be compatible, it’s almost always the girls ending it and. I know that I’m biased b/c I am a man and I am basing part of my opinion on my own experiences and those of my friends but all you have to do is talk to some shadchanim and I think you’ll find most would agree with me. I’m not trying to say that guys are perfect, I’ll agree that there are plenty of guys who act like idiots when dating.December 4, 2009 3:34 pm at 3:34 pm #669641
youdontknowme, re:”I am basing part of my opinion on my own experiences and those of my friends but all you have to do is talk to some shadchanim and I think you’ll find most would agree with me”
I’m a Shadchan on two Shidduch websites and have been doing it for years before the Internet. I’d be more than happy to work tirelessly for guys who are flexible, and at their “ready” point (I strongly believe that most of the time when a guy feels he wants to get married NOW, he can find a compatible girl with some effort on part of serious Shadchanim), and are getting rejected more than rejecting. I know loads of really good girls who are READY and a minimal amount of guys.December 4, 2009 3:58 pm at 3:58 pm #669642
“and are getting rejected more than rejecting”
I’m not necessarily saying that the girls are doing all the rejecting just that they seem to be more likely to do so for silly reasons. Would you disagree with that? Maybe the girls I’ve gone out with were just not ready, but my limited experiences have bordered on insanity (on the girls part).December 4, 2009 4:25 pm at 4:25 pm #669643
youdontknowme, I can’t repeat the insane reasons I’ve heard from guys. Never from girls.December 4, 2009 5:16 pm at 5:16 pm #669644
AZOI.IS: I’m surprised to hear that, I’ve talked to a lot of people (male & female, single & married) about this and you’re the first one I found that didn’t have at least a few stories of crazy reasons girls have given for not wanting to go out again.December 4, 2009 6:06 pm at 6:06 pm #669645
youdontknowme, let me revise that to not anywhere near as crazy.December 6, 2009 3:08 am at 3:08 am #669647
maybe we should shrink “THE LIST” that we must have in a spouse… like the color tablecloth they have in their house, do they have plastic covering it ect. Or what size the girl is… up to a reasonable point. extremes on either end are understandably something to ponder, but the difference between size 0, 2, 4, 6 are minimal and some could be height. size 6 can be the healthy weight for a girl while those who are a 2 may be starving themselves for a date. Weight may only last till the wedding pictures. or the first kid.
If we look at who the person is inside, what their hashkafos really are and not what people say are “symbols” at what they are (type of tablecloth they use), maybe more dates can be made and more possibilities will be open and they might be the correct one!!
IY”H we should only share in simchos here!! No more taaros amongst klal yisroel!December 6, 2009 5:34 am at 5:34 am #669648ronrsrMember
Dear havesome, I’ve mentioned it here before, but many shadchans do say that things have changed a lot over the last 20 years, and their job has been made harder and less productive due to the preponderance of lists such as you describe. Political party, eye color, weight, height, leisure activities, and even more foolish criteria.December 6, 2009 2:24 pm at 2:24 pm #669649
Havesomeseichel: and what’s wrong with sizes 8 and 10?December 6, 2009 3:55 pm at 3:55 pm #669650rockymountainsMember
To smileyface, would you please share with us some comments that you would like to hear or that don’t make you uncomfortable at a simcha or other gathering. I try hard not to be one of those wishing “IYH BY YOU”, but I don’t always know what is a safe conversation. I am sure those avoiding you just don’t know what to say.December 6, 2009 5:04 pm at 5:04 pm #669651
AS regards wishing people I”YHBY at a simcha – I think girls (it usually is the girls who react in this way) need to stop being so sensitive, and accept a bracha for what it is – a bracha. I did not get married until I was 26, my younger sister got married first, years before that, and my younger brothers were either engaged or seriously involved before I was engaged. Believe me, hundreds of people wished me that same bracha at the weddings or vorts. I smiled and said thank you very much, AMEIN. If someone CHOOSES to allow those words to cause them pain, then their attitude needs an adjustment. Not everyone meets his or her basherte when all his friends/family members do. So what? Does that invalidate someone’s good wishes for them? If you have to watch every word, then what will happen, is eventually people will stop talking to those singles.
The only time I feel some discretion is necesssary, is when talking to a woman who is childless. That is a special situation, because know one knows what she is going through physically and emotionally, to try to have a baby. You have to know how she will receive that I”YHBY, before saying it.December 6, 2009 5:52 pm at 5:52 pm #669652
ronrsr, How right you are!!!”many shadchans do say that things have changed a lot over the last 20 years, and their job has been made harder and less productive due to the preponderance of lists such as you describe….”.
I see the difference in dating when my older children married and those dating now and my friends and relative’s children dating now. I also brought about way over a hundred dates on a Shidduch website and none became Shidduchim. Other Shadchanim have made Shidduchim, only to have them get broken. It’s a Shadchan’s nightmare.
I watched Rabbi Tendler’s two part Shiur on Torahanytime where he compares the Kallah who tries on her wedding gown many times before the wedding and the more she tries it on, the less special it feels. He compares this to those who date many people and the effect it has.
This makes Shadchanim less willing to try…. unfortunately, for good reason.December 7, 2009 3:28 am at 3:28 am #669653ronrsrMember
I have told the story here at least two times here, but I’ll tell it again.
About five days after I heard that Shadchan speak about ‘shortening your list’ I met Mrs R. She was a little too short, and a little too Russian, and there were some complications of her divorce that were a little too messy.
But, she was also a little too kind, and a little too warm, and I liked being with her a little too much. Her cooking was a little too tasty, and when I wasn’t with her I missed her a little too much.
So, I married her anyway. That was three months ago, today. (We are still married, and I still love her a little too much.)December 7, 2009 5:02 am at 5:02 am #669654
MAZEL TOV, and what a wonderful story, told a little too well!December 7, 2009 3:01 pm at 3:01 pm #669655
Oomis, watch this space for MrsRonsr’s hashgacha pratis shidduch story 😉
But seriously, it’s sweet, heartening, and may the year see the building of many more beautiful batei neeman bYisraelDecember 7, 2009 3:22 pm at 3:22 pm #669656
ronrsr, you tell your story so emotively, you’d be a raging success at redting Shidduchim. I’m on line already.December 8, 2009 6:54 am at 6:54 am #669657
In case people did not get my sarcasm, I was trying to say that the LIST is wrong to have. It is one thing if one side was very short or tall- they may not feel comfortable with someone 1 foot shorter/taller than they are, but at the same time I know happy couples where the wife is over a foot shorter.
tzippi- I wasnt intentionally leaving out 8 and 10, i just did not bother to write out every size i think is acceptable because there is “no acceptable size”. As long as they are healthy, that is all that matters. If he or she is as tall as they are wide, then that would be one thing. It all depends on their height and body build and that is not up to me to decide, or up to anyone else to either. We should not be instilling within our children that weight is something we should concentrate on. But this is not the point of the thread and I dont want to get too sidetracked.December 8, 2009 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #669658
“I wasnt intentionally leaving out 8 and 10, i just did not bother to write out every size i think is acceptable because there is “no acceptable size”. As long as they are healthy, that is all that matters.”
To some extent that is true but there is nothing wrong with me saying that I only want to go out with a girl that is on the thin side. Naming a specific size is probably taking it too far (I don’t care to know anything about sizes of girls clothing) but I know that there is a general type of girl that I am attracted to and there is nothing wrong with that.December 8, 2009 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #669659amichaiParticipant
hatzlocha smileyface!December 9, 2009 7:23 am at 7:23 am #669660
youdontknowme- but saying someone is on “the thin side” is pretty relative.If, (I have no idea who you are, and this is just an example so please dont take offense) you happen to be a 300 lb guy then someone on “the thin side” would mean something different than someone who was a yardstick. Naming sizes is ridiculous. Would you outright ask someone what size they were? or if you happen to find a girl attractive who you later find out is a size 12, would you not go out on another date?
There is nothing wrong with anyone saying that they find a type attractive. when we get down to the nitty gritty numbers and say that you wont even go out with someone who is a size X, then we have our priorities mixed up. Many boys, like yourself, note that they dont know women’s sizes. so then, we should not be telling the shadchan what size you are, but rather “thin, medium…” anyways, how do they know if someone is a 4 or a 6? an 8 or a 10? come on, are they asking to see the size shirt you are wearing when you meet them now?December 9, 2009 8:08 am at 8:08 am #669661
havesomeseichel, I think in most cases it’s the boys mother that comes up with the size requirements which is obviously ridiculous. I know that “on the thin side” is vague and up for interpretation but I think it’s better than requesting a particular size or weight.December 9, 2009 9:20 pm at 9:20 pm #669662Shidduch SolutionMember
We don’t want you to be last anymore. If you know any other singles that can benifit from our free service send them our link too.
wwwshidduchworld.org 732 534-4539
Its a frum only website for finding a zivug. Everything done on our website is done with Das Torah and is confidential.ThanksDecember 14, 2009 4:49 am at 4:49 am #669663
youdontknowme- and those who are parents should not be creating this disaster!! It causes such tzaaros to the girls and their families. I know someone who is not stick skinny and since she is not married there are many who decide that it is because of her weight. Come on! Weight should not be a reason not to go out with someone! (I am not talking about extremes here.) those who are mothers out there- dont be putting these artificial barriers on the strained shidduch scene! Dont cause girls to have eating disorders! There are many who do have issues because of this very reason- why should “nicer pictures” be the cause? I mean, if someone is a size or two off from your “ideal” then will that really have an effect on the marriage? a 4 instead of a “0”? a 6 instead of a 2?
Change the requirements or the shidduch scene will have more to deal with. Would you want your son marrying someone who C”V has an eating disorder? Who starved themselves to be a 2?
(there are those who are skinny naturally and dont assume that if someone is a 0 it is because they have an eating disorder. Genetics, good habits and walking to school/work are all reasons why someone might be a 0.)
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