Married People Responsibility

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  • #1667497

    avocado
    Participant

    I was just wondering if anyone could shed light on this topic- maybe some married people could tell me what they think?
    I’m 22 yo girl, bh got married! after having a hard time in shidduchim (like many girls)
    I have some single friends and try very hard to set them up with boys that my husband knows. I go out of my way to notice my husbands friends, chavrusas, and I work hard to try and set people up, because i feel it is my responsibility. i am lucky to have gotten married when I did; these girls aren’t as lucky- it’s all from Hashem- and therefore i have a chiyuv to help them out. Since I now know boys through my husband.
    Same as the obligation that people with money have towards those who have less.
    Unfortunately, I see many young married women who barely even notice that there are single girls who are desperate to get married. I have some single girls in my office, single friends, but i dont see people trying to help them out.
    Anyone have a light to shed? Is it too hard to try and make shidduchim once one is married? I’ve heard that married girls get really busy but i dont know- i hear from a lot of newlyweds that they are bored.
    Do they just not care? I don’t want to believe that.

    #1667997

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Their single friends might not want them to.

    #1667974

    whitecar
    Participant

    I try im married for year and a half, almost all suggestions i come up with are either not or barley considered. Gets annoying after a bunch of times

    #1668061

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    It’s not so simple.
    Maybe people ARE looking out for them. I have a lot of people and married friends looking out for me, I known they are and because they truly know me unlike a shadchan they’re not going to set me up with just any joe shmoe who is yeshivish and doesn’t have a smartphone. They are actually looking and very aware of what’s matim and what I’m looking for. I have brother in laws and brothers who know what I’m looking for, my really close friends husbands have heard me talk about it too.

    Also, you SHOULD be focusing on YOUR marriage and building your relationship.
    If you’re bored, shidduchim is NOT a hobby or a playground, it’s actual hard work that take physical and mental energy.

    Not everyone can do it.

    #1668068

    The little I know
    Participant

    There is a phenomenon of newlyweds jumping into the shadchanus business. I have actually seen it work a few times. But mostly it fails. There are skills involved, and until one gets to learn the ropes, it is just a friendly gesture that conveys that the newlyweds care for others. As a midoh, it’s a nice thing. But hardly effective.

    It does portray that this couple feels happy enough in their newly married status that they would like to share that joy with others. And it is seldom hurtful. On a long shot, not a bad risk.

    #1668076

    Joseph
    Participant

    About 18 years ago at the Agudah Convention one of the gedolim encouraged newlyweds to setup shidduchim between their friends.

    #1668067

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Some people are not very good at figuring out who might go with whom, I take it whitecar, while meaning well, fits into that category.
    question- how do you know if people are trying to help their single friends or not- you wouldn’t know about every suggestion or date that goes nowhere.
    Practical suggestion- throw a shidduch party. Get together with other marrieds and everyone must present an eligible girl and boy, usually without mentioning names. Then people can brainstorm and try to come up with ideas of people they know who might fit with those that others present.

    #1668204

    whitecar
    Participant

    Winnieh the pooh your probably right about that, another issue i should have mentioned is that we did go through our friends and my circles and hers are very different from each other. That being said, it seems that situation is the exception and not the majority of marriges. However ill try again. Avacado is right, its selfish if you might be the one who can bring two ppl who were meant to be together, but you gave up too soon.

    #1668235

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    I agree with WinnieThePooh.
    I’m single but…
    I mean I’m a great friend and all but I’m really not good at putting people together, I don’t notice small details and lots of stuff fly over y head. Just my personality lol. I would never think of setting anyone up, I’m not a “quiet” girl either. I’m pretty loud and fun and upfront, and I’m the one to make stuff happen. Still, I wouldn’t be able to do it, I just don’t have the ability to look at people and be like “Hey they should go out!”

    #1668246

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    “Winnieh the pooh your probably right about that, another issue i should have mentioned is that we did go through our friends and my circles and hers are very different from each other. That being said, it seems that situation is the exception and not the majority of marriges. However ill try again. Avacado is right, its selfish if you might be the one who can bring two ppl who were meant to be together, but you gave up too soon.“

    I was told by someone that it’s pointless to set people up if you’re not 100% sure there won’t be a divorce because if they get married and then divorce it’s on you pleitzes (I disagree though)

    #1668248

    Meno
    Participant

    it’s pointless to set people up if you’re not 100% sure there won’t be a divorce because if they get married and then divorce it’s on you pleitzes

    That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

    We’re talking about adults. It’s not the shadchan’s job to make sure everything is perfect.

    #1668253

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    @coffee addict that literally like saying never try anything that has any risk in it.

    #1668301

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Exactly

    #1668308

    Joseph
    Participant

    The shadchan is never responsible for a future divorce. The couple decided and agreed to marry. The shadchan didn’t force them.

    #1668334

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

    I guess you didn’t see the vaccine and Chabad threads.

    #1668386

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    The shadchan cannot be held responsible for divorce, but it is possible for there to be a case where the shadchan can be held responsible for an annulment.

    #1668413

    Takes2-2tango
    Participant

    JosephParticipant

    The shadchan is never responsible for a future divorce. The couple decided and agreed to marry. The shadchan didn’t force them.
    ——————————————–
    Thats only true IF the shadchan did not “White lie or outright lie about certain critical issues.
    Not trying to be critical here but lying by shadchanus happens at a very high rate unfortunately . Now it could be they got a heter from thier rav to lie or they once got a heter about a different couple and nust applied the same heter to lie to a different couple.
    whatever the case may be many seasoned shadchanim are as straight as a curvy pencil

    #1668414

    knaidlach
    Participant

    avocado.
    yes everyone should try to make shiduchim. but remember, some like doing this and some dont. some are good at it and some are not. some will push them selves to get involved and some will not. some have more time on their hands and some do not. some may be under stress from who knows what and some are not. but yes we should all push ourselves and try. they need our help. and its such a big mitsvah and zechus to make a shiduch.
    good luck (oops, i rememberd there was a talk here about saying ‘good luck’, OK mazal tov. lots of hatzlacha in your great effort).

    #1668430

    avocado
    Participant

    Thanks everyone, good to hear other peoples points of view.!!

    #1668431

    avocado
    Participant

    Its true that a lot of people dont know who goes with who.
    what might work is when you have someone who does understand those nuances, and you ask them if they have an idea for someone, and then you can do the work.
    Because lets say you have more time than they do, or more energy.
    You can do the part that youre good at.
    Just an idea
    Unless youre also really busy and stressed 🙂

    #1668432

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    @Daas Yochid +1. Funniest comment I’ve seen in a while.

    #1668492

    knaidlach
    Participant

    avocado,
    or the way around. if someone thinks of an an idea, a mach, but is not ready to work on it, they can give the names to someone who they think will go ahead and work on it.

    #1669798

    avocado
    Participant

    knaidlach- Yes!

    #1669807

    knaidlach
    Participant

    avocado. can i give you some names?

    #1670753

    avocado
    Participant

    Lol

    #1726376

    lakewhut
    Participant

    Especially when they are setting up with people they would never dream of dating.

    #1726374

    bsharg2
    Participant

    something my husband and i did after getting married is we hosted shabbos dinners where we would invite single friends of ours, girls and boys. we didnt specifically make a point to say, “we are inviting someone you could meet” or anything like that. we would just invite them and then introduce them to each other, when making introudcutions around the table. we did make a shidduch (inadvertedly without specifically trying) that way. they are happily marrried with children now

    #1726385

    bsharg2
    Participant

    “I was told by someone that it’s pointless to set people up if you’re not 100% sure there won’t be a divorce because if they get married and then divorce it’s on you pleitzes (I disagree though)”

    I disagree strongly with this. there is no way to “be 100% sure there wont be a divorce”. first of all divorces are not common. secondly, we have no way of knowing what a couple might argue about, or how their relatinoship could change in however many years.

    #1726944

    laskern
    Participant

    My wifw and I made a shiduch when we just got married. I knew the choson and she knew the kallah.

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