marrying an only child

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  • #596330

    adorable
    Participant

    would you or not? isnt it awkward when you go for shabbos and its just you? and what about the fact that your kids have no cousins or aunts/uncles?

    #762186

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    would you or not? isnt it awkward when you go for shabbos and its just you?

    And what if she was the last (as opposed to only) child? Might you not have the same problem?

    and what about the fact that your kids have no cousins or aunts/uncles?

    Why? Are you also an only child?

    And so what?

    The Wolf

    #762187

    Those are all considerations. However, no shidduch has every advantage. If everything else works out, why not. It may be worthwhile.

    One just has to be certain that the child makes their own decisions, and the parents arn’t overly possessive of him.

    #762188

    think of all the attention YOUR kids will get….look at the positives and not the negatives….

    #762189

    adorable
    Participant

    i would never say no to a boy because of that i just think it would be weird- i come from a large family but i am the oldest so not used to a “quiet” shabbos meal!

    #762190

    s2021
    Member

    Then theyll have more money for u :)))

    #762191

    um
    Member

    the shabbos table is the least of the probs!!

    #762193

    A23
    Participant

    I think it’s better than marrying one of 11 children.

    #762194

    yogibooboo
    Member

    im an only child and i got married. its not a big deal whatsoever. in fact that means you get more attention. instead of making problems for youself, just suck it up and go for it!

    #762195

    Hashem provides for all children. Even if the help is provided via government. Better than illegitimately using money as a reason to suppress life and not accept what the creator sends you. I’d rather marry a sibling of 13 from a family that clearly values life.

    #762196

    um
    Member

    the Goq-i’m appaled! we are not hashem and it is not up to us to decide how many children we should have. hashem decides that just thank your parents everyday that they decided to have you if that is your views and boy am i glad not to be born to parents with such an additude! children are a brocha and hashem provides for them not you- a bisle bitochen!!

    #762197

    ucgnet12
    Member

    I wish I married a only child! My in laws never have place or time or money for us!

    #762198

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I think it is wrong to marry any child.

    It is also illegal in most states.

    #762199

    HRH:

    I know you didn’t mean this, but not everyone who doesn’t have thirteen, is it by choice.

    ___

    #762200

    apushatayid
    Participant

    If its lots of noise at the shabbos table that makes your shabbos, daven for a wonderful spouse and lots of kids.

    #762201

    adorable
    Participant

    WHAT ABOUT MARRYING SOMEONE WHO ACTS LIKE AN ONLY CHILD! ITS CALLED SELFISH!

    #762202

    aries2756
    Participant

    adorable, would you give up your bashert if he was an only child? Is it up to you to decide that it is NOT convenient to do so if that is Hashem’s plan for you? Everyone comes with pro’s and con’s. Would you refuse to marry a boy because he had only sisters and no brothers? That could be a huge challenge even more so than being an only child. Can you imagine how spoiled such a prince could be?

    I have had this discussion many times, and it is foolish. I have advised young people to invite the in-laws to their parents home for yomim tovim so they shouldn’t be alone and so they shouldn’t be obligated to have every yom tov with their in-laws. It is a win, win situation. Making such in-laws a part of your own family makes them happy and makes them feel as if they too have a large family and are not limited to just one child and their children. They are very grateful to be included as an important member of the family. They will appreciate you more and love you more for that. You do not have to keep them separate and apart from the rest of you. And why do you say your children will not have aunts and uncles nor first cousins? Don’t you have brothers and sisters?

    In addition, when one is an only child they are usually very, very close to their cousins, as close as siblings. So what if they are not siblings, does it really matter? Family is family. It is only a problem if you and your parents choose to make it one. If you choose to be warm and welcoming it is no longer a problem.

    #762203

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    It is also illegal in most states.

    Depending on your definition of “child,” it’s actually legal in just about every state with parental permission.

    The Wolf

    #762204

    mw13
    Participant

    The Goq:

    “maybe the parents should be applauded for their restraint”

    Maybe the parents should be condemned for ignoring the mitzva of “piru u’rivu”.

    Actually, cancel the maybe.

    #762205

    popa: In NY a 14 year old can legally get married.

    #762206

    aries2756
    Participant

    Maybe that Hashem only gave them one child. How unfair and unkind to make fun of such people. Shame on all of you, and especially when an infertility thread is running at the same time!

    #762207

    mw13
    Participant

    “Maybe that Hashem only gave them one child.”

    The Goq is clearly discussing people chose to have one child quite intentionally; one does not usually applaud people for things they have not intentionally done. (Also, if having only one child was not intentional there’s no “restraint” to be applauding.)

    “How unfair and unkind to make fun of such people.”

    Nobody’s “making fun” of anybody. We’re simply pointing out that intentionally having only one child is to condemned, not applauded.

    #762208

    good.jew
    Member

    Popa, how did you get married/will you get married?

    #762209

    smartcookie
    Member

    Goq- your words were completely against the Torah. I would like to know which mod approved your terrible comment.

    You said you understand the pain of infertility. Imagine a mother of an only child, who is trying desperately, and failing to have another, reading your painful comment.

    (No, this is not to imply that 14 kids should be the typical family.)

    #762211

    i know a family where both the parents are only children. works fine. they are an awesome family, and B”H they have tunz of extended family that they are very close with- i mean like 3rd and 4th cousins. so many other ppl i know don’t even know some of their second cousins so well.

    #762212

    lesschumras
    Participant

    mw13,

    I had one child because of a medical condition that I understanably did not publicize.So am I subject to your blanket condemnation?

    When our child graduated from high school, ateacher that she was friendly with learned for the first time that she was an only. In what was intended as a compliment the teacher perpetuated a blanket mis impression when she said she didn’t kmow she was only because she wasn’t selfish

    #762213

    commonsense
    Participant

    That someone can even ask this question can cause pain to the parents that have an only child. the majority of people in our community want larger families and I assume that if someone has only one child it is because Hashem decided and not the couple. I am sure that living with that fact would have caused them significant pain throughout the years and then to find out that their child is having a harder time doing a shidduch because of something beyond their control that they themselves would have loved to have been different is just very painful. I know there are people to whom Hashem has been very kind and therefore when it comes to shidduchim they think they are better than those whom Hashem has chosen to test but in reality, Hashem is the one who makes these decisions and those who are lucky should not be so picky on such narishkeit issues. Sorry adorable because I don’t mean to attack you personally but try to look at the world from the other side.

    #762215

    what do you have to say about one marrying into a family with no kids?

    #762216

    adorable
    Participant

    Chaim- who would they be marrying then? the parents? i am not sure i understand what you mean.

    commonsense- i do not feel attacked and did not intend for this to hurt anyone and come to this point but i was just wondering what you thought about it…. nothing too deep and i am shocked that the mods allowed that to go through

    #762217

    mw13
    Participant
    #762218

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Hashem grants children – there is no amount of trying or preventing that wil stop Hashem.

    #762219

    TheGoq
    Participant

    After reading some of your posts and rereading my original post i realize what i expressed wasnt very nice or Hashkafically correct i completly retract my original post and apologize to those i may have offended.

    #762220

    mw13
    Participant

    Apology accepted. But if you don’t mind me asking, are you retracting your comment or changing your hashkofos?

    #762221

    TheGoq
    Participant

    mw i feel my statement is complete and requires no further comment.

    #762222

    always here
    Participant

    this OP is very troubling to me.. I think that restrictions like this would so limit the possibility of finding one’s beshert. IMO it SO shouldn’t matter if the boy/girl is an only child or one of 17. consider the fact that if one were to marry a BT that then they wouldn’t even have that other set of parents to go to for Shabbosim & Yom Tovim. I would hope that one’s spouse is chosen on the basis of lev tov & yiras shomayim, not on family size. it just seems so shallow to me. jmho…

    (I have an only child son-in-law, & a daughter-in-law who’s 1 of 9 ka’h).

    #762223

    adorable
    Participant

    always- I did not say that it matters or that I would not date a boy whos an only child but just a point to discuss. I was just redt to a guy who is an only child and I was thinking about how it would be so different than what I am used to. I think as a daughter-in-law I would have to spend more time there being that “we” would be the only source of nachas to his parents! Not marrying the guy yet so…well talk about it then I guess.

    #762224

    always here
    Participant

    adorable~ my comment wasn’t directed @ you. just as you threw the topic out for discussion, I threw my opinion out onto the floor.

    🙂

    #762225

    aries2756
    Participant

    There is nothing wrong with giving them a little more of your time, and there is nothing wrong with your parents understanding that. As long as the young man in question is an independent person and not tied to his parents by the hips there should be no problem. The point is that as a couple you should be independent and not be tied to either set of parents. But yes you should be sensitive to the fact that they should be included and not left out. You might be very surprised. She might be a very independent woman herself since she was NOT stuck in the home as much and might NOT need so much attention. You might find her to be a very fun and active person and someone that you might enjoy having as a friend, a fellow shopper, someone to go to lunch with, etc.

    You might also be surprised that they might enjoy traveling and might not be at home that much at all.

    #762226

    amichai
    Participant

    I personally know adults who were only children, went on to raising lovely familes, are the friendliest pple.

    #762227

    always here
    Participant

    btw, adorable~ when I said ‘OP’ it was ‘original post’, not poster.

    also– g’luck with that boy 🙂

    #762228

    Health
    Participant

    I’d would have rather been an only child -I don’t know why I need a sister!

    #762229

    amichai
    Participant

    health, when I read comments like yours, I hope the poster is joking. I cannot imagine life without my brothers and sisters. try to build a relationship.

    #762230

    Health
    Participant

    amichai – “try to build a relationship.”

    And who says -I don’t have one? And maybe I put in as much as I can?

    Just thank Hashem for your rosy life and don’t judge up others unless you walk in their shoes!

    #762231

    Brooklyn Yenta
    Participant

    health, siblings are the biggest brocha in the world! if you don’t feel that way, you should really start looking at your sister in a different light. look at the good that comes from having a shared history. i wouldn’t give up my sibs for anything in the world!

    #762232

    oomis
    Participant

    I think Aries’ suggestion is beautiful, a great way to bring both families together (assuming they get along to begin with). However, Aries, that does not mean that marrying an only child,

    especially if it’s the son, is not potentially without foreseeable problems, and not something to be considered carefully. For example, how dependent are the parents on that only child. How tied to the son is the mother. What happens after 120 years and there is only one child who can take care of a surviving parent (if and when necessary)? Nothing is undoable, but it should be considered seriously among the other things one considers when making a shidduch.

    #762233

    shlishi
    Member

    oomis: all the potential problems you relate, equally apply to an only daughter.

    #762234

    aries2756
    Participant

    Oomis, all the potential problems exist even if there are siblings. Those things happen if there are one or many brothers and sisters and unfortunately even when there are many children when parents are old and need them, in many cases only one steps up to the plate and becomes the main caretaker.

    #762235

    Health
    Participant

    Brooklyn Yenta -“health, siblings are the biggest brocha in the world! if you don’t feel that way, you should really start looking at your sister in a different light. look at the good that comes from having a shared history. i wouldn’t give up my sibs for anything in the world!”

    Just like you are entitled to your opinion, so am I entitled to mine!

    #762236

    amichai
    Participant

    sorry health. each family situation is different.

    #762237

    haifagirl
    Participant

    So am I destined never to get married because I’m an only child?

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