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DISCLAIMER:
I did not write this article or any part of it.
I just copied it exactly, from the Matzav Inbox.
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Dear Matzav Inbox,I’m going to say something that a lot of people are thinking, but not enough are saying out loud.
What in the world is going on with these weddings lately?
Every single week, or several times a week, it’s another over-the-top, out-of-control production.
Not a chasunah. A production.Massive floral arrangements that look like someone decided to recreate Gan Eden for one night.
Imported singers flown in from Eretz Yisroel like it’s some international music festival.
Zanvil and Motty Steinmetz might as well move to the US at this point.
Massive bands, lighting that belongs at a concert, ice sculptures, desserts that look like museum pieces. What are we doing?Since when did a wedding turn into this?
And don’t tell me “it’s for the simcha.” It’s not. Let’s be honest for five seconds.
It’s not about simcha anymore. It’s about showing.
It’s about topping the last wedding.
It’s about, “Did you see what they did?” and making sure the next guy says that about you.And the craziest part? The next day, no one cares.
No one remembers your flowers. No one remembers your lighting.
No one remembers which singer you flew in or how many vocalists your Tzefardeia Choir had.
People barely remember what they ate. By the next morning, it’s already over. Done. Finished.But you know what’s not finished?
The bill.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars. Gone. For a few hours of noise and lights and fake “wow.”
And let’s call it what it is—it’s sick. Sick. Sick.
Not just “a little too much.”
This is a full-blown, out-of-control sickness that keeps getting worse every single day.There’s even a WhatsApp status dedicated solely to tracking weddings made by “moguls.”
You can’t make it up.And all this is happening while people in our community are choking on tuition bills,
juggling credit cards, figuring out how to pay rent, how to marry off children, how to survive.Do we not see the insanity?
You have families sitting at a wedding like this, smiling, clapping,
pretending everything is normal, while inside they’re thinking,
“Have we lost our minds?”The pressure this creates is unbelievable.
More debt. More stress.
More people trying to keep up with something that shouldn’t have started in the first place.For what?
So that for one night, people should say “wow”?
A wedding is supposed to be about building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.
About a chassan and kallah starting their lives together.
About something real. Something meaningful.Not this circus. Not this fake-ness.
Not this endless one-upmanship where each wedding has to be bigger,
louder, more expensive, more “insane” than the last.At some point, someone has to say enough.
Because right now, it’s just getting more and more extreme.
There’s no limit anymore. No sense of normal. No sense of “this is enough.”And the saddest part?
Some people actually walk out thinking this is what a wedding is supposed to be.It’s not.
It never was.
And if we don’t start saying that out loud—and actually meaning it—then just wait. The next round will be even crazier.
And the one after that?
Even worse.
Sincerely,
Not a Mogul, But a Regular Guy Saying the Truth
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PERSONAL COMMENT:The music of our weddings, and other celebrations,
is often EXTEREMELY LOUD, even at 10:30 PM to 11:00 PM,
even in places where hundreds of nearby people
are trying to sleep, so they can go to work the next day.This is an obvious violation of mitzvot ben Adam LeChaveiro,
and a Chillul HaShem witnessed by thousands of people annually.When will this insanity end?
To SQUARE_ROOT
Most people focus on Chabad’s insane belief that Schneersohn will have a “Second Coming,” but any false belief spawns collateral falsehoods. In Chabad’s case it’s the lie that Schneersohn invented that Moshiach, meaning himself, will save all Jews, even total Rashaim like Nevuah. In fact, the Gemara states the opposite, that only a small percentage of Jews will be redeemed, which is one of the reasons that there were Amoraim who said that they don’t want to live in the period of Moshiach. Now people look at that Gemara and assume that it’s talking about the irreligious Jews, and that may be so, although only Hashem can judge them, but who said that all the frum will get a ticket to Olam Habo? There’s a Midrash which teaches that before the Mabul Hashem gave the people everything they could want in Gashmius. We can understand that Midrash as alluding to the last meal that one gives a condemned prisoner before he dies. Today there are many thousands of Frum Jews who have generational wealth. Now this doesn’t mean that they have to flaunt it, and some don’t, but for the majority, that is exactly what has happened. They’ll argue that it’s their money and they have a right to do what they want with it. Actually, they’re wrong. One must view his wealth as a gift from Hashem and then ask himself if he’s using it in the way that Hashem wants him to. Sadly, very few people think that way and they fall under the umbrella created by the Ramban who said that a person can be a Menuval Birishus Hatorah. Yes, the food at these events and the Pesach vacations and the and the etc is perfectly Kosher, but the way they live is not in line with Hashem’s wishes. But if they aren’t doing anything wrong Halachically what’s the problem? The problem is that their actions have a ripple effect and induce others, who aren’t in their stratosphere to try and keep up with them. Not only does this create undue stress, but it takes people away from their true purpose in life which is studying Torah and doing Chesed. I’ll finish with the point I introduced at the start. Chabad tells everyone that they have nothing to fear because the Rebbe is running the world and he will accept everyone when he claims his throne. Nothing could be further from the truth. While Jews today are worried about anti-Semitism and it’s a real concern, there’s also a threat for so many to lose their Olam Habo if they devote themselves to Gashmius. The problem is that there’s nothing we can do about it. The Rabbis won’t discuss this issue because they rely on these Machers to pay for their Mosdos. All we can do is keep our minds focused on the truth and stay close to Hashem while ignoring these fools who think they have it all. I’m sure that Nevuah agrees with everything I said. He’s such a Chassid of mine that he even started a new thread to honor me. Of course, he spelled my “name” wrong, but what can you expect, no one’s ever accused him of being a rocket scientist. LOL.
Not a single argument here!
This is because people are disconnected from their true self and use materialism to fill the void..materialism. Perhaps is the one place they don’t have to conform. Where they can be free to express themselves as they see fit.
This is what happens when tyranny controls everything
People find other outlets.
And those outlets become imbalanced because they are already ungrounded from reality.
Materialism and excess materialism in my book means extreme emptiness.I guess I am hanging out with the wrong crowd. I only get invited to takana weddings. Are these over-the-top weddings really so commonplace being made by middle-class families?
The issue of the wealthy making over-the-top weddings has been another discussion on another thread. This one seems to indicate that “regular” people are also doing it.. As weddings start again this week, can people please comment on the number of weddings you have been to this week that were as this letter writer describes.
@Square Root,
You don’t like, you don’t have to show up at the wedding, when you get married you can have any wedding you want, don’t be busy about when the other person is doingGosh. So many ideas for what other people are supposed to do with their own money.
The best thing to do when you pass a rich looking house is to say “Baruch Hashem. May Hashem protect them and give them Nachas as well.”
As for what they are supposed to do with their money, Chazal עירובין נד say that they should enjoy it. חטוף ואכול חטוף ואישתי, דעלמא דאזלינן מיניה כהלולא דמי
To mobico
The Gemara says that the reason for the Churban Bayis Sheini is that the people kept the Torah. The Gemara asked the obvious question, “If they kept the Torah, why was there a Churban?” The Gemara answered, “It’s because they didn’t go Lifnim Mishuras Hadin.” So, what does that mean? In Yiddishkeit there’s following Halacha and there’s also following what Hashem wants. While there’s no Issur in going away for Pesach, there is a question if that’s how Hashem wants people to spend that Yom Tov. I’m not one to Pasken or tell others what to do, but there’s no question that the frum world is obsessed with gashmius. Again, you’ll probably dismiss this argument by saying that critics of those who indulge themselves are just jealous of the haves. Ramban said that one can be a Minuvel Birishus Hatorah. That’s a very valid argument and sadly there are people who are living extravagant lifestyles, and they can’t even afford it, but they feel obliged to keep up with the Schwartzes. If you’d like to discuss this further just write, but I suspect you’ll just dismiss what’s been said and go back to making plans for your next extravaganza.
I think there are a few very significant aspects to this that most people overlook. I’m only talking here about people who can actually afford this sort of thing, people doing it on credit to keep up with appearances are another story entirely.
The more money you’re used to seeing (in business or personal life), the higher the amount that seems normal to you. $1 was a lot to us when we were kids, I would assume $100 is not a meaningless amount to most of us now, and Bill Gates loses money if he stops working to pick up that same $100. A $200,000 chassunah for someone who makes $2 million a year is the same percentage of income as a $20,000 takanah chassunah to someone making $200,000. When someone who can afford it makes a giant production, it is not as big a deal to them as we think it is. It’s a much bigger deal for a normal guy to make a $50k wedding than it is for a rich guy to make a $500k wedding. The world is a different place to different people. If someone’s job involves regularly signing deals for tens of millions, then a few hundred thousand is just not as big a deal to them anymore. If your job is to spend your day hopping between offices of the top 10 lawyers in Manhattan, after a while a lot of luxuries become normal. To make a wedding that is considered tastefully nice for this kind of person is a wedding that is crazy for most others, because those others aren’t regularly turning down a $1,000,000 business deal as too small. I absolutely will tell you it’s for the simcha, because we just don’t know what is normal to other people. Yeah, a $20,000 custom suit for a wedding is crazy. Until you realize this person spent the last 20 years in rooms with people wearing custom suits witha price of $50,000.
Additionally, the entire tachlis of Hashem giving people a lot of money (as far as I’ve been told) is for tzedakah and chessed. The gvirim of klal yisroel rise to this occasion to an incredible degree. They’re supporting more yeshivos and people learning than any time in history since maamad har sinai. Hatzalah takes in millions just in the funds they match for the yearly campaigns. Chai Lifeline, RCCS, tomchei shabbos, I don’t have the days it would take to list all the good done in klal yisroel largely enabled by the funding of our “moguls”. These are people who fund half the chassunos in Eretz Yisroel and don’t blink. We’ll happily demand they fund whatever we need in our lives, and they do, and we have the chutzpah to turn around and say they can’t enjoy themselves with the rest of the money they make because we can’t control our kinah?
“Hundreds of thousands of dollars. Gone. For a few hours of noise and lights and fake “wow.”
And let’s call it what it is—it’s sick. Sick. Sick.This is again a kind of person who is living in a different world than you and me. For most of us, making in a good year in the low 6 figures, that would indeed be sick. But I guarantee you 90%+ of the people making a chasunah nice enough for you to notice are giving away tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars a night just to mishulachim, not to mention organizations. I would think very few people have made a chasunah with Motty Steinmetz and not given out more to tzedakah at that wedding than the cost of the wedding. We can’t imagine the tzedakah going on in the world. How many chassunos has a guy we’re all complaining about made for other people? How many organizations are able to go make “a few hours of noise and lights and fake “wow”” for sick kids in hospitals because of this kind of guy? We can’t tell someone who’s giving a chomesh+ on a large salary (not to mention investments) that he can’t make a wedding for his kid at a level he will thoroughly enjoy and he can easily afford.
“And all this is happening while people in our community are choking on tuition bills,
juggling credit cards, figuring out how to pay rent, how to marry off children, how to survive.”And do you know why there is still a yeshiva to send high tuition bills despite the small number of people paying full tuition, and why the struggling person in our community is still able to keep up the juggling act with the credit cards? Because the mogul we are demanding cut his spending is personally making up the gap in the yeshiva budget between what they need and what tuition brings in. Because the person we’re angry at for how much they spent on food at their chassunah matched every donation given to tomchei shabbos for the last 5 years. It’s very sad that people have monetary difficulties, just like it is sad that people have other difficulties. But I don’t demand everyone over 60 wears hearing aids just because many people need them.
“There’s no limit anymore. No sense of normal. No sense of “this is enough.””
I agree, everyone should be completely normal. When people knock on a rich guy’s door, he should give them an $18 check. He should give $360 to his kid’s yeshiva campaign, a few bucks here and there to large organizations, and that’s it. Oh, there is a crisis in the community and we need to make an organization to deal with it? Well, you better not ask mr. normal for any unusual donation, and you better come to his house during normal hours where you wouldn’t feel bad knocking on anyone else’s door. Oh, the gedolim need money to keep their mosdos open b/c the government cut off funding? Well, I hope they convince the knesset to restore funding, because no one would expect a group of normal guys who know when enough is enough to rally together and raise literally $100 million dollars in what, a week? When people live lives that naturally have high limits, and step up to fulfill the limitless demands we make of them, we can’t then go slap limits on the things that they enjoy.
“The pressure this creates is unbelievable.
More debt. More stress.”Pressure this creates? Taking on debt to make events like this? That’s insanity on the part of people feeling pressure. Usain bolt can run almost 28 MPH, are you feeling pressure to keep up? Saudi Sheikhs drive gold Lamborghinis, are you trying to apply for a car loan for one? In all the classic shtetl stories, not even in Chelm would the wagon driver or grocery store owner feel pressure to make a chassunah as big as the gvir. That’s not who you are. That’s not what you should do.
There are definitely problems here. Some people are doing it just to show off. I happen to think it is not a lot of people, but that is definitely a terrible way to be. A WhatsApp status dedicated solely to tracking weddings made by “moguls” is absolutely gross and sick. But that is a lack of maturity, a lack of tznius, and a problem with jealousy. As for comparisons, that is 100% a problem with attendees and not the people making events. Why are we content to sit by our friends’ weddings judging them? That says a lot more about the people doing the judging than the people making the wedding.
Look, recreating seudas halivyasan early is not the way I personally would go for a wedding either, regardless of how financially feasible it was. But who gets to determine the max level that’s ok? There’s always someone who thinks it’s too much. Bottom line, if you must spend time looking at yenem, spend more time looking at how he funds the shul you go to, the sforim you learn there, the yeshiva that taught you how to learn them, and less time on what happens with the portion of hard earned money he doesn’t spend on everyone else.
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