Missing a loved one

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    am yisrael chai

    It’s now the yahrtzeit of someone near and dear to me.

    As I’m the only one on this side of the globe mourning her loss, I feel unbelievable sadness.

    As much as I may know that there’s an aliyas neshama at this time, I feel incredibly sad and alone.


    am yisrael chai, I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I am so, so sorry that you are mourning her loss on your own and that you lost someone near and dear to you. It must be so hard.

    Do you want to tell us about her here?

    🍫Syag Lchochma

    I wish I knew your number, I could talk all night about this. Alone in a (B”H)crowded house, and so sad.

    am yisrael chai


    Thank you for your kind words.

    She actually liked her good deeds to remain private, so I probably would not be honoring her by publicizing. I’ve lit the candle and cannot find any simchas hachaim at present, which was the essence of her.


    I wish we could talk as well.

    Somehow I know this is going to be a long night. And day.


    am yisrael chai-

    I can’t say it any better than “Climbing mountains” did.

    Can you call your relatives and talk? We speak to our relatives in E”Y using Cucumber and it isn’t too expensive.

    If that isn’t possible, can you go out with friends and just talk?

    Since it’s erev Rosh Hashana, now’s a time that it isn’t unusual to call old friends you haven’t spoken to in a while – speaking to friends and relatives and catching up with them is a pretty good medicine for being lonely and alone with unhappy thoughts.

    I hope things get better for you – have a k’siva va’chasima tova and a gut gebentched yor.

    am yisrael chai


    Thanks for your words.

    Currently, it’s an unearthly hour to be either calling locally or overseas, hence the loneliness.

    I’m kicking myself for not flying over there, but that doesn’t help me now.


    I have just completed the year of avelus for my mother. I can’t say I know how you feel because I don’t. We each experience a loss differently because our relationship with the nifter/nifteres is a special and individual experience. Even siblings have different and separate memories and emotions.

    But I do know what it feels like to suffer a loss and to mourn that a loss. Yes it is sad and lonely and yes there is definitely a missing piece to our emotional puzzle. But as the year came to a close I had to shake off the sadness and stop mourning her death and start celebrating her life. The same way I gave tzedaka l’zecher nishmos, I have to do things in her name and to celebrate her life instead of concentrating on her death. I can’t just sweep everything that made up who she was into that small compartment that is “death”; she was alive and did so much good in her life. That is what I have to think about and honor. That is what I have to concentrate on. I can’t yearn for her hugs and kisses, I must remember them with love and joy. I can’t sit and cry about the things she told me, I have to go out and put them into practice and apply them to my own life. If I don’t look at anything else that she did, one thing I can look at is that she taught me well. She was the epitome of a good example and I must go on without her and follow her lead.

    She was NOT as lucky as I was. i had her all my life until she reached the ripe age of 90. She shared my simchas, my nachas and my joy through the birth of my children, their weddings, and the birth of my grandchildren. Her mother died when she was just about 20 years old. B”H my grandmother did NOT fall into Nazi hands and was spared that horror, but my mother and her sisters and brothers lost their father when they were very small and cared for a sick mother in their teens. They had no parents by the time the Nazis reared their ugly heads. What my mother wouldn’t have given to have her own mother for just another day. Look how lucky I was to have my own mother till she was over 90 years old B”H. She taught me to have faith and bitachon in Hashem. She, a holocaust survivor who answered the question many times “how can you believe in G-d after what you went through?” And my mother would answer “How can I not?”.

    So I quote her words, I smile at her memory, I throw her kisses to the wind. I hug the thought of her, I feel the warmth of her, I keep her in my heart so close and so near to me. She is always with me wherever I go. And I also do and behave in a way that she and my grandmother would be proud. Their lessons did not fall on deaf ears.

    So AYC, what can you do to honor your friend’s memory and celebrate her life?


    BIG OOPS!!! – YUMMY CUPCAKE DID NOT WRITE THAT POST!!! It was me. I didn’t realize she was still signed on. We’ve been doing that a lot lately. My son accidentally wrote something when my name was still signed on (on a different thread).


    MODS – PLEASE PLEASE – CAN YOU CHANGE THE POST UNDER YUMMY CUPCAKE’S NAME TO BE UNDER MY NAME??? PLEASE? Being that i wrote that i can relate – i don’t want an ayin hara, chas v’shalom. so could you do us this big big favor? thank you so much.


    You are SO not alone. This time of year is especially hard for me, as my dad O”H davened for the omud for the Y”N, and he died a month after he was a shaliach tzibur for the last time. I truly understand how sad this time can be.

    Aries, your mother’s neshama should have an aliyah. I feel for you.

    May we all be zochim to see Moshiach come, and be reunited with our loved ones who passed away.

    🍫Syag Lchochma

    AYC – I usually am careful to speak to my listener but since I dont know you this may be all wrong. If so, PLEASE forgive me. I just wanted to give you the answer I always give myself in these situations. In regard to what you said about not being able to find the simchas Hachayim and that was her essence – Every time I find myself on the threshold of a mitzvah or needing to be b’simcha (Yom tovim especially) I feel sucked in by the sadness of loss or hurt. And when the opportunity is over I can almost hear the yetzer hora say “mission accomplished” and I feel even worse. Tell yourself that you are going to let bits of her neshama live through you by smiling or thinking of a happy thought today, even momentarily, and know you are doing it special for her. She can get the zchus of your mitzva (simcha)and you will feel her living with you. It sometimes makes me feel closer. Bittersweet happy, but still better than the deep emptiness. And since I have been wallowing in sadness this whole week (so far), I guess I am really talking to myself.

    YW Moderator-20

    Gefen- you can repost and I’ll delete the previous posts written under Yummy.


    ayc-i am so so sorry for your loss-only Hashem can comfort you because only he understands the relationship you had, your sensitivities, your heart, and may He comfort you b’soch shaar availay zion v’yerushalayim. Although the pain will lessen in its intensity, the terrible loss will be there for a long time. This doesn’t have to disable or freeze you- you will be strong, you will continue, the dear niftar would not want you to change the way you always lived in any way, if she had one more thing she could say, she would beg you to live, to use each day, each moment, to the fullest. May you only know true simcha from now on.


    syag – you do know my number, so feel free to call anytime. as i told you in my email before, i can relate. may Hashem comfort you and give you the strength you need.

    ayc – i am also sorry for the way you are feeling. i wish you the same – that Hashem should comfort you and give you strength.

    may we all only have good news from now on. may this year bring peace, good health, and the geulah.

    kesiva v’chasima tova


    mod 20- ok, i just reposted. thanks so much!

    am yisrael chai

    Thanks for your help.

    I actually read and reread this till I internalized your messages and support.

    syag- “let bits of her neshama live through you by smiling or thinking of a happy thought today, even momentarily”

    Your words helped me a lot, even though I knew this in my head, it was different when I read your words.

    sorry you are going through a difficult time yourself, I’m here for you as well. I’ll make a temporary aycamyisraelchai account on the gmail system if that helps and the mods allow. Sometimes time can mitigate the pain, perhaps this is in the cards for you.

    Aries- you are very lucky to have had your mom for 90 years. You’ve obviously given her a lot of nachas in her lifetime.

    You ask what I can do to honor her memory; what she’d asked me to do is not completely up to me and so therefore I’ve been unsuccessful in my quest to do ask she wished. And it hits me on the yartzeit.


    B”H cant talk from personal experience but someone in our community just passed away. A young girl who was sick with cancer for 11 years. I cannot tell you how hard it is to think about it. and when i think about her family and the mourning and the pain I cant deal with it but I just wanna tell you that no matter how hard it is for you just think about the wonderful place that she is in now. She’s happy and in a place that’s painless totally.

    May Hashem console you and all the rest of Klal Yisroel that’s suffering.


    Ayc, I emailed you.



    am yisrael chai

    ok, so Icot suggested going out with friends (a bit hard to find someone with spare time on erev yom tov), but someone called to help them out with something- it’s amazing how when they think you are helping them, you’re actually helping yourself as well…Had it in mind to be a zchus for the nifteres and this helped a whole lot.

    aries, how did you turn it around from the sadness to the joy? May your mom have an aliyas neshama. And I haven’t been successful yet in what she’s asked me to do

    cm, thanks for the care and warmth

    yc, oops, I mean gefen-ty and AKY”R

    oomis- ty as well & I’m sorry for your dad’s loss and that you personally know what it’s like, may you continue to give him much nachas. AKY”R.

    sas- you are truly correct in all that you say and ty.

    adorable-sorry for your loss as well. you’re right, it’s selfish of me to be sad when she’s in a better place.

    cm-ty as well.




    sorry, I thought you were talking about your subtitles, since you wrote “under my name”. So I gave you her subtitle, having no idea what the big issue was.


    Mods – please take off that previous post in my name. Thank you.

    am yisrael chai


    Sorry to hear now you’ve got nothing encouraging to say to me 🙂


    Thank you! ksiva v’chasima tova!!!!!

    YW Moderator-20

    Sorry, Gefen for the delay. I actually fell asleep on the job last night!

    A Gut Year!


    LOL mods – thanks for taking off her post. now can i have my subtitle back? “comes here for family time”

    yes. notice the question mark after your current title. I was confused.

    minyan gal

    am yisroel chai and everyone else who is dearly missing a loved one – I cannot say anything more than what aries did so eloquently. I was also blessed to have my mother for 92 years and it is just 3 years since we lost her earthly body. I know that she is somewhere, still laughing and asking anyone under 60 if they are married, because has she “got someone for you”. After quite a long period of sadness when thinking of her, I am now able to laugh out loud when I think of the things that she said. I am now with my family in Toronto for the Yonmtovim and my daughter and I have mentioned her in our conversations several times daily – always with laughter because she loved to laugh and, as everyone called her, she was the lady with the million dollar smile. So, eventually things will get better and the good memories will overtake the bad ones. I know that it is difficult to believe at this time, but it will happen. I wish you a peaceful New Year.



    Just said a few kapitlach. May the Neshama have an aliyah.


    am yisrael chai

    Thanks SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, kapusta, this means a lot to me, that you did something in her memory. A WHOLE LOT.

    mg thank you for your words. You were indeed fortunate to have your mother for 92 years; many people are not as fortunate.

    (gefen-sorry, but it was hurtful to me to worry about your subtitle on a thread that was expressing pain for a nifteres when I needed chizuk on the yartzeit. There are several threads dealing with mod issues and it might have been more appropriate to include it there. yc’s post is completely for the mods and not dealing with the thread’s subject at all or even a kind wish for the poster.

    I apologize for feeling this way and is not intended to hurt.)


    AYC, it is sad that you can’t fulfill her wish, but if it is out of your hands, try to put it aside for now and don’t put your efforts or thoughts into something that is not in your control. Try to concentrate on something that is within your control. When my aunt a”h was nifter I “needed” to do something to celebrate her life. She never married and therefor never had children, but I wanted to spread her good deeds and didn’t want her to be forgotten. I was very busy with her illness for an entire year, and then as soon as she was nifter I had a lot of time on my hands. I decided that since she had literally saved lives in Auschwitz I would work on saving neshomas and walked into an at-risk school and volunteered my time. That is how I started mentoring and eventually became a Life Coach. I then went out and bought a whole box of small Artscroll transliterate tehillim and put a label l’zecher nishmas Henya bas Zev inside and started handing them out to the kids I mentored.

    AYC, i knew that this Yom Tov was going to be hard for me, but didn’t realize how hard. Last night I was hit with an attack. In the middle of the night I just started crying for my mom. For hours and I couldn’t stop. I had to go downstairs and hug a photo of the two of us to comfort myself and calm down. It really shook me up. I will never stop missing her or longing for her. That is different from mourning for her. I will have ups and downs, but she would never want me to crawl into her grave with her. So I have to honor her and respect her. Everything I do, I do so she would be proud of me. I talk to my grandchildren about her and say how happy Bobbi “M” would be to see what they wore right now, or love the picture they drew or whatever it is they did.

    I will go the extra mile and do an extra chessed for someone l’zecher nishmas because it would please my mother that she taught me well.

    If possible, you can donate a few Machzorim in her name for Yom Kippur. Anyone who forgot to bring their machzor before yom tov and finds it on the shelf will notice the label on the inside and read what your wrote about her and smile. That is a celebration of your friend’s life. You can sponsor a Rosh Chodesh shiur or a Shabbos afternoon shiur in her memory and speak about how special a person she was and what a special bond you shared before or after the shiur. There are many ways to celebrate a person’s memory. Hatzlocha!


    The Chesed of the Ribbono Shel Olam is actually how we deal with death. It begins with the Shiva, shloshim etc. As the years distance us from the petira we feel a little better. Give yourself time and commit your feelings in a diary. I lost my baby brother about 10 years ago and my dad a little over 6 years. There is no rule book as to how you should feel, it is there and allow it to be there. This will ultimately assist your healing process. Acceptance is a huge part here. May the nifteres be a mailitz yoisher. A goed gebenchte year.


    WD, how sad to have lost two such very important and close family members in such a short period of time. As you said there is no rue book as how one should feel, and as you remember there were very few rules as to how one should even mourn. Hashem left it up to nature, each individual person’s nature to deal with loss in his/her own way. The only one thing that we share, the common bond is when we are ready to accept Hashem’s decree we know we can turn to him for support and Chizuk. May you experience health, happiness, simchos and nachas in the coming year.

    am yisrael chai


    Thank you SOOOOO much for your very meaningful words. It’s gratifying to “know” someone who has made her life so meaningful and special and helpful to others.

    I really like your idea of walking into an at-risk school; I’d like to do that as well. What was your procedure and do you have any tips on dealing with the students?

    I am glad you shared about your crying spell. I’m not much of a cryer, but there were some tears…ran for a tehillim to make it more meaningful. How are you then differentiating between mourning her loss and sadness? Perhaps we are actually talking about the same thing!

    and by the way, she was more than a friend, I sat shiva briefly for her, as I was trying to say here http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/missing-a-loved-one#post-306463

    I was actually wondering why we don’t say Yizkor on R”H as we do on the other yomim tovim. At first I used to ask why we DO say yizkor in that it would make me so sad to remember the loss on the holidays when we are supposed to be joyous…

    Thank you for your kind wishes and for being who you are.

    I was actually thinking of making labels in their honor and donating seforim. Did you create labels on the computer or did you give it in to a printer? What do you write on it other than their name?

    am yisrael chai


    I appreciate your words SOOO much and relate to them.

    You see, we suffered a loss on Sept 11, c 10 years ago, and then another family member 5 years later, so there’s a lot in common….

    No matter how much I tell myself that this year will be different, I still find myself grieving and not myself on the yahrtzeits. Despite my acceptance.

    yasher koach for your brachos and same to you as well.


    AYC, my thoughts are with you. Hakodosh Boruch Hu should give you strength to get thru this hard time for you. My outlook on loosing a loved one is , to accept your limitations. If these days are hard for you, accept it. Don’t fight the feelings. Flow with it. When you daven, tell G-d how you feel. sad, lonely. Some pple take longer than others to get past the pain. The family never forgets. wishing you and your family a gmar chasima tova.

    am yisrael chai


    Our names are so similar! Perhaps we are those twins which people speak of that everyone has somewhere in the world…

    Your words give me strength. I should just accept that the yahrtzeit will be difficult. And G-d definitely hears from me.

    But people generally do not wish to hear when you are down, so I keep to myself then, which is not good, either.

    ***SO what is the solution?????***

    Thank you for your brachot, and same to you as well, and may you be a kli to accept Hashem’s shefa and bracha with simchat hachayim!


    AYC, I feel that the difference between sadness and mourning is that the sadness is normal. I can accept the loss and still miss my mother’s arms, her hugs and kisses, the things she said, just being with her and having her in my life. Mourning is more like the really huge pain, how can I go on without you feeling, what am I going to do without you, life will never be the same, etc.

    Sadness and missing in small doses, is fine. It happens, real mourning that envelopes you and stagnates you is only fine in the very beginning stages of loss and then it is important to move through the rest of the stages.

    In all honesty I don’t even know how I had the chutzpah to just walk in and announce that I was here to help them and “be” the PTA which they didn’t have, and how can I help you kids. But I guess, Hashem just guided me and threw me into it. I had no idea that it would lead me into mentoring and then coaching so many teens. More so, I co-parented and even took boys into my own home. It was quite amazing. Many of them became extensions of our own family, so I have additional children and grandchildren from them. They actually refer to my husband as Tatty.

    I did make my own labels. It is really not important what I wrote, you get to write what is important to you. You can write “l’zecher nishmos a remarkable woman who had a tremendous heart and sensitive soul” and continue from there. You can speak about what a good role model she was, and how she was more like a sister to you, or a mother to you than an actual blood relative, etc. Or you can write a poem that expresses your emotions and then just put l’zecher nishmos….

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