More shidduch advice

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    I went out with a nice girl for the first time last night. We talked about general stuff such has work, vacations, hobbies e.t.c . The questions is what should we be talking about on the second date? Is it time for the heavier stuff, such as kids, life goals, deeper hashgafa, how you want your home to be?

    Is this correct or should we be talking about something else on the second date? Also where is good to go for a nice second date, should we just continue with hotel lobbies, or move to something like bowling? Or do any of you have any other sensible suggestions?

    Just because you are bound to ask, I would describe myself has the bit more modern/yu type.

    All advise is much appreciated. Plus feel free to post suggestions of how to develop it after the 2nd date, in terms of where to go and what to speak about. Has you can tell I am not the most experinced in shidduchim despite being very much an alter bochur (29).


    Also any advice on how to deal with those akward silent moments, when you change conversation topic. I’m sure you all know what I mean


    Hi Stamford Hilly Billy.

    I can only guess that the conversation will have a flow of it’s own, but others may suggest more of a structure on how to handle this.

    The main reason I am posting is to say hatzlacha. This is very exciting!!


    If you are mainstream YU, you will not be talking very much about life goals on a second date. Talk about the same stuff as the first date.


    If you are mainstream YU talk kefira 🙂

    nah im kidding…a lot of my friends are YU guys who are also black…


    Are you guys engaged yet?


    What kind of girl is she? I would say YU type does not go straight to hashgafa and life goals etc on the second date. Unless you plan to date for a few short weeks before getting engaged? Ask her about her job/school background. What she likes to do in the summers, camps etc.

    Sometimes it can be very awkward, that is just a part of dating sometimes. Not always. But think about it you are sitting with someone you pretty much dont know from a hole in the wall, and expected to shmooze for 2 hours. It can be awkward!


    i love coffe

    Guys I need help! Sorry Stamford Hilly Billy, I don’t mean to take over your thread but im in the same “mess”. What do you talk about on dates without sounding wierd? Im on my 5th date now with the same guy and all he talks about is Torah. (He is yeshivish black-hat).I like him, otherwise I wouldn’t be on my 5th date, but I feel like I don’t know him well enough yet. What kind of questions could I ask a Yeshivah guy? I feel like all yeshivah guys are the same with the same goals. (Sorry, I don’t mean to be stereotypical, I have very little experience).

    Think first

    I love coffe- ask him what he likes doing on chol hamoed, in the summer, bein hasdarim,

    Does he like music?


    Smoozing with friends?


    You will not sound wierd if you talk about something other than torah, he’s not expecting you to be like him, ur not a yeshiva bochur. Its ok and great to tell him about ur experiences in school and camp and whatever. You should be yourself and not turn into the person you’re dating. Remember even after you get married you are still you, so don’t hide it now. Good luck.

    Think first

    Stamford- second date you should still be just shmoozing and not getting too deep. Remember you just met this person, ur just trying to see if you enjoy eachothers company. As for a dating place, really anything that you feel comfortable going to is fine, dates don’t think as much into the “place” they think into the “person”.



    How about some questions about how he spends his time bein hazmanim, where did his family go during family vacations when he was growing up, anything to get him thinking outside the box of yeshiva. Some boys have a hard time remembering that the girl is not his chavrusa and that he’s not in yeshiva. It’s good that you like him, now you just have to see what you have in common. You’d be surprised but not all black hat boys have the same goals and they’re definitely not all the same.


    black hat guys arent all the same?! huh?


    They most definitely are all the same color;) size, style can differentiate though…

    i love coffe

    Thanks think first and Nechamah. Those questions really became great conversation starters.

    i love coffe

    lol shuli,

    and hatzlacha raba Stamford.


    2nd date? Still shmoozing. Save the heavy stuff for when you see the dating going toward a definite potential goal. Hashkafa CAN be discussed in lighter ways, btw. You’re not proposing on a second date, so don’t get into such nitty-gritty stuff before there is a real possibility that there will be a third and fourth date and beyond. Just enjoy getting to know each other. When there is a silence and you feel comfortable with it – MARRY THE GIRL! Otherwise, find something interesting to ask her about, like who she thinks would make a good President for the next four years.Then ask her to defend her position (just kidding).

    yossi z.

    Oomis: as much as you joke, the type of girl I would date, that question probably would come up from either one of us just for kicks to have fun with projecting.



    As the Days get longer & warmer, Battery Park City is an excellent venue. Can sit near the Harbor, and watch life sail & pass by, without being charged for physically being there.

    yossi z.

    Logician: I like the way you think (very logical), but sometimes you gotta recognize that logic may not be everything.


    Worked for me, works for many people I advise. Obviously you don’t follow what I wrote exactly, and I tailor my advice for the individual I’m helping.


    do something fun


    americaisover-noooo do something boring


    this might sound weird but if you should “research” completly random, but interesting facts and just bring one up as soon as you get into that type of situation. That who-knows-how-random fact might just lead to a discussion–who knew!


    this a completly an inappropriate question to be asking on the ywncr. this is a question for ur rebbi or parents.


    on my dates, we just let the conversation flow. Talk about interests like music etc. Or things going on in our life at the moment. Try to learn some things about each other’s family. It’s mainly a time to learn and become familar with each other, our values, interests, general goals. The heavier stuff comes up when you are both ready and feel that you are both leading somewhere


    i would say the first 2-3 dates is just survival getting to know the other person just like u meet someone new..nothing deep see if u enjoy eachothers company and stuff like that! after you can talk abt other stuff once it gets more intense.


    One of the posters asked if your engaged yet… I think its only right of you to cme back and tell us…


    I saw a piece of advice on another thread that seems very true. “Akward silent moments are more common in places where you aren’t doing anything like sitting in a hotel lobby as apposed to visiting the zoo.”

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