April 12, 2017 9:33 pm at 9:33 pm #1253609
“Lilmod, I have asked others (to be specific goyim) and they said that they think I should tell him but I personally do not feel comfortable. So that is why I was asking other people (to be specific Jews).”
Rebshidduch, I am very reluctant to give you any more advice since you just seem to get offended when I do.
In any event, I think you are capable of figuring out the answer yourself.
You wrote that you do not feel comfortable telling him, and you want to ask other people (specific Jews) what they think. You are Jewish; how about asking yourself what you think?April 12, 2017 9:34 pm at 9:34 pm #1253628
Lilmod, I have been telling my mother about the guy and she was disappointed. So now she is working very hard on my shidduchim. But now I like this guy and why should she make me go with another guy if I like this guy? That is not fair to me.April 12, 2017 10:21 pm at 10:21 pm #1253695
Lilmod, I do not know.April 13, 2017 5:29 am at 5:29 am #1253775
“That is not fair to me.”
Why do you think she is doing this? Do you think it’s because she doesn’t care about you and therefore doesn’t want you to marry someone you like?April 13, 2017 5:40 am at 5:40 am #1253776
I’m confused. I thought you like a different guy and you’re not dating this guy; you’re just friends with him.April 14, 2017 2:40 am at 2:40 am #1254169kj chusidParticipant
By us the parents and/ or rabbunim take care of shiddichim. I see what happens when u try aloneApril 14, 2017 2:41 am at 2:41 am #1254170
Lilmod, of course she wants me to marry someone I like.April 14, 2017 7:40 am at 7:40 am #1254173
So then, as I asked above, “Why do you think she is doing this?”April 14, 2017 10:27 am at 10:27 am #1254305
Lilmod, I do not know to be honest.April 18, 2017 9:22 pm at 9:22 pm #1254768
Rebshidduch, I think if you are honest with yourself, you do know.
You wrote that she is disappointed. Why is she disappointed?April 19, 2017 12:37 am at 12:37 am #1254925
Lilmod, because she does not want me meeting a guy on my own. But she cannot have both not setting me up and not allowing me to find guys on my own. It is one way or the other. Not both.April 19, 2017 2:08 am at 2:08 am #1254950
Rebshidduch, I suspect that is not the reason, and I think you know it too. Why should your mother care HOW you meet the guy? I give her more credit than that.
Anyhow, she is trying to set you up now.April 19, 2017 8:47 am at 8:47 am #1255036
Lilmod, but I like this guy.April 19, 2017 11:28 am at 11:28 am #1255269
You still haven’t answered the question.April 19, 2017 12:20 pm at 12:20 pm #1255298cantthinkoffancyusernameParticipant
Rebshidduch, mothers know things, try to listen to her advice. She loves you and want you to be happy, not only now but in the future too.
Is this young man someone you can like and respect in the future too?
Will you be proud if your children follow his footsteps in life?April 19, 2017 2:44 pm at 2:44 pm #1255381
cantthinkoffancyusername, his past no I do not want my kids lives to be like that. His future maybe.April 19, 2017 2:45 pm at 2:45 pm #1255387MenoParticipant
You should never marry someone with the expectation that they will eventually changeApril 19, 2017 5:30 pm at 5:30 pm #1255993cantthinkoffancyusernameParticipant
What about his true current stage?
Put your ‘love feelings’ for him aside and think if a marriage with him really has potential.
You should make sure he is really past his past and growing in the past few months.
You should really some get some information from others on him before you actually start or continue to date. Perhaps he has a chavrusah or Rabbi? Maybe you have a male family member to make some research calls for you? Older sibling, father, grandfather, your rabbi or even female teacher/rebbitzin?April 19, 2017 5:31 pm at 5:31 pm #1256070
Meno, that is not what I am expecting of him.April 19, 2017 5:31 pm at 5:31 pm #1256113
Meno – +1April 19, 2017 5:34 pm at 5:34 pm #1256137
Rebshidduch, that is what you wrote on the other threadApril 19, 2017 11:03 pm at 11:03 pm #1257796LightbriteParticipant
Okay so while all of us are pretty much telling Rebshidduch to hold off, slow down, and maybe rethink her zeal in wanting to be with this guy with potential, is her thinking so off from what women are being taught?
I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have gotten a lot of opposing messages as a woman about my role.
On one hand, I definitely should not marry potential. At least, I had a Rebbetzin tell me that outright and said that marriage is not about changing anyone.
Then again, I can name a few books and rabbonim who emphasize the woman’s role and how she can transform her husband. Who was it? In the story with Korach where the man was saved because his wife was immodest brushing her hair or something by his front door when the men were rounding each other up?
There is something very heroic in my humble opinion, about being this woman who has the power to build a man up. Even secular stories about how the woman makes the man great. Without her, he would be no one.
So, yes. The differences are that they were married first, and maybe the man had more actualized success or strengths at that point. Still, maybe Rebshidduch is pulled by this guy and opportunity because she needs the extra challenge in life and is searching for meaning. Maybe that is a more attractive future than someone who she cannot connect with on a certain level, or has yet to do so.
—Yet I think what triggers us is that we, perhaps, recognize that Rebshidduch is coming from a place where she has personal growth to take on, before bringing a husband or potential husband into the picture. Having a guy right now may be clouding her vision and planning. And/or, I am super projecting here.
Thank you for hearing me outApril 19, 2017 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #1257797
Lilmod, maybe there was a miscommunication or I changed my mind. If a guy is not planning on learning you cannot convince him to do so.April 19, 2017 11:27 pm at 11:27 pm #1257883
Changed your mind?
This was less than 24 hours ago on the Shidduchim for those with a past. post # 1254926 I believe.April 20, 2017 4:11 am at 4:11 am #1257920MammeleParticipant
LB: that’s not what’s going on here. She’s rationalizing her behavior to fit with what her feelings are.
And I think we should all call it quits on those threads because she’s somehow validating her actions by rehashing it with us. Now where’s that lock for my keyboard 😉 ?
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