April 3, 2017 6:47 pm at 6:47 pm #1249452
I might date someone (thru a shidduch) who is becoming much more religious over time and went off the derech and came back on. Should I give it a try or tell the shadchan no?April 4, 2017 12:35 am at 12:35 am #1249549
bumpApril 4, 2017 12:37 am at 12:37 am #1249551JosephParticipant
Just propose to him and rent a hall.April 4, 2017 6:57 am at 6:57 am #1249575
What is the reason for your hesitations?April 4, 2017 6:57 am at 6:57 am #1249573
Is this the same guy but you are going through a shadchan now?April 4, 2017 10:20 am at 10:20 am #1249735
a couple of years ago, I introduced a young lady to exactly the same kind of boy.
they are happily married with a beautiful little boy. Need I say more?April 4, 2017 10:20 am at 10:20 am #1249736
Lilmod, yes. But in fact I might actually end up setting him up thru a shidduch to a different girl not me.April 4, 2017 10:25 am at 10:25 am #1249822
Wait, so you were dating him before and now you’re asking if you should date him through a shadchan instead?April 4, 2017 10:48 am at 10:48 am #1249843
I’m lost: are you asking if you should go out with him or if you should set up your friend with him?
btw, is this the girl you wanted to stop giving rides to?April 4, 2017 1:31 pm at 1:31 pm #1249963
I’m sorry to say this, but you sound a bit hypocritical. Why is he good enough for a friend of yours but not for you? You might just be missing out on a great guy. People make mistakes and learn from them. Besides, a guy that went of the derech a bit may very well be much more mature than a regular yeshiva guy. After all, he has seen the other side too. This is just my 2 cents, but I think that MOST yeshiva guys getting married at such a young age are way too immature and totally unprepared for marriage.April 4, 2017 2:24 pm at 2:24 pm #1250000
you sound a bit hypocritical. Why is he good enough for a friend of yours but not for you?
It’s actually quite common for someone to break off a shidduch and subsequently suggest that person for someone else.
It’s not a matter of “good enough”April 4, 2017 3:25 pm at 3:25 pm #1250016iacisrmmaParticipant
Meno: The original post stated “I might date someone (thru a shidduch)” and then in a subsequent post states “But in fact I might actually end up setting him up thru a shidduch to a different girl not me.”
In this case I agree with BoysWork.April 4, 2017 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #1250045
Iacismma – it doesn’t necessarily follow that the reason she would set him up with her friend instead is because she thinks he’s not good enough for her.
Even it is, I’m not sure that’s a problem. If I don’t think a guy is Frum enough or smart enough for me, why shouldn’t I set him up with a friend who is less Frum or less smart than me? (obviously one has to be very careful how they go about it so the person isn’t offended, but if one could do it in a way they are sure the person won’t be, I don’t see the problem).
On the other hand, if there is a real concern that the guy may be a bad influence on the friend, then it may be assur according to halacha. There are halachos about not setting someone up with someone who you think might be bad for them.April 4, 2017 3:55 pm at 3:55 pm #1250047
“In this case I agree with BoysWork.”
Thank you, Meno. I would like to add some additional advice. When my son was looking for a shidduch, the last people I would call are the references on the resume. Nobody will post a reference that will say something negative. Thankfully, he met his zivug on his own. The ribbono shel olam was the shadchan. I don’t understand this meshigas that if a guy and girl meet on their own, you need to kasher it by getting a shadchan to launder it. Some practices are just too stupid for words. And most important, look for middos above and beyond everything else. Sadly, this is very lacking in todays generation.April 4, 2017 3:57 pm at 3:57 pm #1250053
Thank you, Meno
I think you meant “Thank you, iacisrmma”April 4, 2017 4:10 pm at 4:10 pm #1250055
iacisrmma, OOPS. my apologies.April 5, 2017 12:13 am at 12:13 am #1250590
Sorry Iacisrmma – I accidentally left the “r” out of your name.April 5, 2017 12:15 am at 12:15 am #1250741
Boyswork, it is not that he is not good enough for me. It is that I feel like my basheret is someone else that is not him.April 5, 2017 12:25 am at 12:25 am #1250706
Let me be honest since I havent updated my concern and answers to others. The reason I am concerned is because he is a typical normal frum guy and I already have a guy who I have been interested in for over a year. I am hesitant to go out with a different guy other than that guy. I really like that guy and I really want him. So when I am dating I am always comparing him to other guys. I do not want to go out with this guy and have the other one be like I am dating now and then I would be set up with him. I do not want the other guy to suffer because of this. So I want to set him up with some other girl who has no interest in another guy.April 5, 2017 9:07 am at 9:07 am #1250259
boyswork – If all I knew about this matter was the information in this thread, I would probably agree with you 100%. However, if you have been following Rebshidduch’s other threads and posts, I suspect that you might have a different opinion.
There are people/cases in which meeting on one’s own is fine. Likewise, there are situations in which going out with an OTD boy is fine. However, there are cases in which both of these are seriously problematic. This is one of those situations (based on previous threads).April 5, 2017 1:07 pm at 1:07 pm #1251125iacisrmmaParticipant
LU: I am not sure about “Boyswork” but I think we have a “men are from Mars women are from Venus” type issue. Men simply interpret this one way and women another and IMHO we will not be able to come to a consensus based on the facts presented here.April 5, 2017 1:38 pm at 1:38 pm #1251148
Iacisrmma – in what way do you think there is a Martian/Venusian issue here? I am very into that, but I wasn’t sure where it came in here and was curious where you saw it. I’m especially confused because I thought it was Meno and I with one point of view and you and Boyswork with another.April 5, 2017 2:02 pm at 2:02 pm #1251197
Lilmod, please stop putting him down. Over the last few months of getting to know him. He is nowhere near what your saying about him. He is a good frum boy who is looking for a nice shidduch. I am trying to help him by setting him up with other girls.April 5, 2017 2:51 pm at 2:51 pm #1251236
What changed in the last few weeks that you suddenly don’t think he is your bashert anymore?April 5, 2017 4:33 pm at 4:33 pm #1251495
Meno, I always had a different guy in mind for myself and so I do not think it will work. But he wants me to join a club his part of so I might. So we can be friends but I already have another guy. I can help him find another girl as a friend does for another friend.April 5, 2017 4:37 pm at 4:37 pm #1251502
I have no idea what you just said.
But that’s fine, I’ll assume you know what you’re doingApril 5, 2017 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #1251520
Meno, if someone asks a question it is usually because they want help.April 5, 2017 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #1251525
“Lilmod, please stop putting him down.”
What was this in response to?
“Meno, if someone asks a question it is usually because they want help.”
What is your question? (I think Meno was confused about that as well).April 5, 2017 10:10 pm at 10:10 pm #1251580
Lilmod, because you keep saying how my friend is not a nice boy. It is not nice. I was explaining why I did not want him for myself and instead wanted him for another girl because I have another guy in mind for myself.April 5, 2017 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #1251674
bump bumpApril 5, 2017 11:43 pm at 11:43 pm #1251681
Rebshidduch – I never said that your friend is not a nice boy. Where do you see that I said that? I don’t even know him – how could I know if he’s nice or not?April 6, 2017 12:48 am at 12:48 am #1251705
Lilmod, before you were saying how I should stay away from him implying that he is not a good boy.April 6, 2017 11:42 am at 11:42 am #1252021
Hmm, LU says “However, there are cases in which both of these are seriously problematic.”, etc
1. Why is it problematic is a boy and girl meet on their own? The majority of the previous generatio did just that – at college, homowack, grossingers, sky rink, etc.
If the parents are OK with it, why would you need to launder it thru a shadchan? Because the neighbors will talk? WHO CARES what the yentas say?
2. You said its problematic to go out with an OTD boy. He is not OTD anymore, he made a comeback. Give him some credit. If you always consider him to be OTD, it will just push him away again.
Chag Kasher Ve’Sameach.April 6, 2017 11:55 am at 11:55 am #1252037
In response to point #2, as LU has said, you are entering in the middle of a story.
Rebshidduch has said several things in other threads that make it quite clear that this guy is not simply a guy who went OTD and came back on. Here’s just one example: he told her that he decided he will learn full time so that she would want to date him.April 6, 2017 1:24 pm at 1:24 pm #1252160
Meno, not exactly. He does it for himself. He told me he likes learning. So obviously he did not do that for me.April 6, 2017 1:31 pm at 1:31 pm #1252201cantthinkoffancyusernameParticipant
Why would he show you his tattoo?April 6, 2017 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #1252409
First of all, I’m really sorry if I offended you in any way. I did not intend to do so. I also did not intend to speak badly about a boy whom I don’t even know and whom I’m sure if I did know, I would have a lot of good things to say about. Obviously, if you like him so much, he must be a very nice person.
Second of all, there are a few different things here:
1. Saying someone is not nice.
2. Saying someone is bad.
3. Saying someone is bad for you.
These are 3 entirely different things. As far as I can recall, I never said 1 or 2. I am sure that I did say #3.
However, it was completely as a result of what you said. It was really you saying it; I simply repeated your words back to you. I think that if you go back and read your old posts on the topic (as someone once wisely suggested), you will understand what I mean.
In any case, I really hope you are moichel me and I am really sorry if I hurt you in any way.April 6, 2017 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #1252410
Rebshidduch, I would appreciate it if you could clarify what your question is now. That would make it much easier for us to answer it, if you really do want an answer (from Meno, myself, or anyone else).
Thank you.April 6, 2017 7:55 pm at 7:55 pm #1252413
Meno – thank you for responding to Boyswork for me. I would also say that the answer to #1 is the same as the answer to #2.
Until now, I was always in favor of (or at least not against) boys and girls meeting on their own. I think I may have even written things to Rebshidduch at one point to that effect. However, from things that she subsequently wrote, I realized that it’s probably a very bad idea for her (and maybe for many others, especially in her age range). But again, you are coming in the middle.
I will just say that it has absolutely nothing to do with what other people think. It has to do with the fact that for many people it is beneficial or even necessary to have some kind of older, wiser go-between for these things. I know a couple who met on their own but chose an older, wiser person to be their shadchan, and it greatly helped to facilitate the shidduch.April 6, 2017 9:20 pm at 9:20 pm #1252475
Lilmod, I will be mochel you if you stop saying things like “he is bad for you” because that is really offensive and not called for.April 6, 2017 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #1252505
Rebshidduch – you asked for advice. You are the one who said that he is bad for you, and you asked us what you should do about it. I can’t apologize for believing you and I can’t apologize for giving advice when asked. I am actually offended that you are criticizing me for doing what you asked me to doi nstead of thanking me. I find that offensive and uncalled for.April 6, 2017 10:46 pm at 10:46 pm #1252517
Lilmod, I am sorry if you feel offended but I do not like it when people put my friends down. I am sure you do not like it when people put your friends done and so I do not either.April 6, 2017 11:04 pm at 11:04 pm #1252534
Rebshidduch -you keep making false accusations about me. I already explained to you why they are false, yet you keep repeating the same false accusations. Please stop it already.April 8, 2017 11:38 pm at 11:38 pm #1252900
Lilmod, sorry about that. I just became friends with him. But now I am very depressed so I am not really talking to people because I am depressed and that is also why I do not come onto yeshiva world as much. I also do not think any husband or guy that I am dating can help me with my depression unfortunately. So I do not really talk to anyone period.April 9, 2017 12:30 am at 12:30 am #1252906
Rebshidduch, I very much appreciate your apology.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I really hope it gets better. I will try to daven for you.
I understand that it is hard for you to talk to anyone right now. But if you can try to find someone to talk to, I would think that would help you to be less depressed.
All the best, and best wishes for a Chag Kosher v’Sameach!April 9, 2017 1:07 am at 1:07 am #1252926
Lilmod, is it okay if I maybe talk to my guy friend about the issues or you think it will just end up being a worse situation?April 9, 2017 9:25 am at 9:25 am #1252984
Rebshidduch – I am glad you are asking the question, but I think that you are capable of figuring the answer out yourself. I think that is true of all the questions you have been asking on this topic as well.
It may make it easier for you to think things through when you type up and post your dilemmas, so you might want to continue doing so, but at the the end of the day, I think you are the one who needs to come up with the answers, and I think you are quite capable of doing so.April 9, 2017 10:34 am at 10:34 am #1253102
Lilmod, I have asked others (to be specific goyim) and they said that they think I should tell him but I personally do not feel comfortable. So that is why I was asking other people (to be specific Jews).April 10, 2017 5:56 pm at 5:56 pm #1253581kj chusidParticipant
oy.. Now I see what the phrase “shidduch crisis” meansApril 12, 2017 9:32 pm at 9:32 pm #1253604
kichusid, what do you mean now you understand what the shiduch crisis is?
- The topic ‘need shidduch advice please’ is closed to new replies.