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Ok. So I’m dating this guy now and he’s seeming pretty negative and down about everything. It seems as though he’s depressed, even though he makes an effort to cover it up it comes out through his negative choice of conversation.
Should I consider it a red flag? He also tends to discuss his previous dates.. Although he doesn’t mention them in detail. It still bothers me. I’m usually in a good mood after a date, even though it might not nes work out I’m still happy that I had a good time. But after this one it left me feeling rather aweful. I don’t know if I should continue dating the guy..
this is probably a question to ask R Twersky,
you can email him at [email protected]
Red flag or not, if he doesn’t bring out the best in you, and actually left you “feeling rather awful,” that pretty much says it all.
Why would you want to continue to spend time with him? Dating is supposed to be wanting to know more about the person. You don’t seem interested to know more. If he seems depressed, most likely he is (and this is when he’s on his “best” behavior). Mention it to the shadchan who can suggest he get the help before he brings this out with the next one.
What if someone recommending she break it off causes her to break it off with her zivug?
I agree with ayc and momma you should probably cut and run
if you think he’s depressed stay away!
Tomche – I don’t get you. It obviously is not her zivug.
It would probably be best to first find out if there was something really bothering him, unrelated to the date, that caused him to be in such a depressed mood. Otherwise, I think going out again after you felt “awful” this past time probably wouldn’t be a great idea.
Listen to your inner voice. If it feels like something is off, you probably know, but it may be helpful to talk it out with someone you trust, or ask his rav or someone he knows well about it. Even if he does have negative issues, he could be working on improving (as seen by the fact he tries to cover it up).
You have said NOTHING whatsoever to indicate that there is ANY good reason to see him. Get out now, in my humble opinion. He needs to improve his negative issues before dating anyone. If he is acting this way now, when presumably he would want to impress you, it will not get better the longer you go out with him. Sorry.
“if you think he’s depressed stay away!”
I prefer this not be a “stay away from depressed people” thread.
There are some depressed people who treat their condition who are really wonderful people. Statistically, MANY people will get some form of depression in their lives. So let’s not look down on them.
There are also people who have very negative attitudes in general with a negative persona, yet they are not clinically depressed.
The point here is that GM feels incredibly “rather awful” after being with this date. In addition, he’s a negative type of person. This is enough to sway my vote, as stated above.
I have nothing against depressed people, but they need to recover from their depression before they date.
Since “Geshmakke Mentch” is just going out with him and not engaged or married to him, it doesn’t make sense for her to wait for him to get himself straightened out.
I don’t agree that this person must be depressed. It’s possible
though.
Dates should have different tones. Some should be fun, while some should be somewhat serious, depending on the different topics brought up. Sometimes you want to show a sensitive side, sometimes a serious side.
Just like peoples moods. If for instance you were discussing the holocaust, and survivors, I would expect a serious discussion.
If it is always sad topics and discussions, then I agree that you should not continue if this leaves you feeling sad and uncomfortable.
If I were you, I’d try bringing up happy topics, and see if it changes the tone. If he manages to be a downer while talking about
bein hazmanim, summer camps, and his favorite singers, then
This person needs professional guidance.
I don’t think this is anything to do with you or him. Sometimes it just doesn’t go together. I had some awful dates when I was young and dating – I am thinking of one in particular – and my good friend ended up marrying him. If you don’t bring out the good in each other it is not worth pursuing.
Firstly it is absolutely inappropriate to discuss other dates on your date. Especially in the beginning and not when you are close to engagement.
Having said that, you are obviously getting “bad” vibes from this guy. You are not supposed to be his therapist, nor set up with him because you would be good for him. YOU are supposed to be good for each other. So if you are both not coming home with a good feeling about each other and the date, then it is not a good idea to continue.
Geshmakke Mentch this sounds like a guy I dated. He was definitely hashkafically compatible, and not too loud to quiet etc but he was just way to negative. In conversation there were just too many negative comments or tones. He also discussed previous dates, not in great depth but I believe you should not discuss previous dates with your current dates. Anyway I said no and have no regrets. Hatzlocha with your decision!
Maybe you should go out again and see if he was in a bad mood or something i.e. nervous… its not always easy to get someone hashkafically compatible anyway first dates are hard to get a real read of the persons personalities.
People excuse their bad behaviour because something out of their control happened to them. this gives them a right to be depressed or whatever.. Rabbi Belsky says that the gemara says that although someone was tripped by another person he is still responsible for the damages caused by whoever tripped on him because “??? ?? ????? ??? ???” “he should have gotten up and he didn’t” a person has to get up! even if he sunk into depression for a good reason he is responsible to get up!!
“although someone was tripped by another person he is still responsible for the damages caused by whoever tripped on him because”
who tripped who? please be clear
GM, if you go out with him again I would suggest that you grab the bull by the horn, bite the bullet or use whatever cliche there is and be upfront “did you realize that you speak about former dates?” “btw, you have I’ve noticed a bit of negativity on your part are you always like that?” and see how he reacts. If he laughs it off and blames it on nerves, you can both laugh about it and move on from there. If he gets more nervous, negative or depressed, you will have your answer.
I would certainly tell the shadchan why you are hesitant to continue. The boy may not realize how he is behaving and coming across. Certainly the issue of talking about past dates should be mentioned. He should know that, even if you say yes to another date, if this continues, then you will say no after the next date.
But, I would do this keeping in mind that he might put on an act after this and it may be harder to see his true self at that point. It is not easy to be married to a person who is constantly looking at the negatives of situations.
Try to find out what you can before going out on another date. How well does this shadchan know him? I would tell the shadchan that you had trouble getting to know him; that he seemed to be having an off day and didn’t seem himself (don’t be specific). Try to ask general questions about what his personality is like… Is he quiet, loud, jokey, gregarious, what are his friends like (this is very telling. My sister, who’s very quiet always befriended the quieter girls, I, who am very loud and outgoing, have always befriended the louder more assertive girls who joke more. I think we choose friends who reflect ourselves or who we strive to be). I think his personality is more important than whether he talks about past dates. You can always address that at a later point n time. It’s a bad habit that can be broken. Not so for personality. The fact that you were nice to him on the first date should have no bearing on your decision whether to date him or not. Being nice to him is an expected courtesy. Going out with him again is not. Meet him again if you think you can get more information or can confirm or dispel any beliefs you have about him.
Nechomah, you are absolutely right and that is why that and the depression would be considered red flags.
I agree 100% aries. A friend of mine told me that something she was looking for was someone who had a positive attitude about things, could see the good side of difficult situations. I was too immature at the time (although I was not young) to understand, but I sure do now. Better catch it now before there’s more emotions involved.
Imeich anochi bitzarah
may you find the right one very soon and it should be an easy and painless process for you and the rest of the singles here.
GM, hatzlocha rabba! May this year bring you happiness and joy and bring your zivig to you b’simcha and brachia.
GM
There are lists of shadchanim based on location listed on the net; google them.
All the best to you.
aries is soo right. i think its creepy that he talks abt previous dates. why would u even consider going out with him again?? i dont think s/o like that should be allowed to date. if s/o is depressed, wait till u get over it (however u do that, pills, therapy…) and then continue dating.
GM; After what you wrote on the other thread and your decision following it, I’m sure HB”H will send your Basherte, very soon!
May you continue to stand up for what is right.
One day you shall reap vast rewards for your courage.
I wish everyone had that resolve.
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