New Fresh Joke Thread

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Viewing 50 posts - 51 through 100 (of 111 total)
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  • #1027312
    tajikpashut
    Member

    officer,I swear to drunk I’m not G-D!!

    #1027313
    playtime
    Member

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my neighbor… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    #1027314
    Chortkov
    Participant

    I hate atoms, they make up everything!

    #1027315
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    aproudbyg im sorry for posting it, i really wasnt sure if i should, i guess i was silly(im trying 2 not use the word stupid) enough for doing it and it really is my fault!! im really sorry everyone if i offended you!! i really should be watching my mouth and thnx byg 4 pointing it put 2 me!!!

    lol guys!!!! yekke- ur funnnyyyy!!

    #1027316
    sammy16
    Member

    @Yekke2 I thought it went something like this: why can’t you trust atoms? Cause they make up everything.

    #1027317
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    ok heres one-i hope its good!!

    It was Bob’s wife’s birthday the next day and his wife said to bob for my bday i want you to get me a gift that goes to 0-160 in 6 seconds! the next day, his wife is all excited shes gona get her present! Bob hands her a box. she opens it and finds a brand new bathroom scale.

    #1027318
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    mitzvhagirl613-no worries,really:) its a funny joke really,i just want those who read it to relize its funny for a reason,and just becarful when they say it to others,please dont feel bad tonz of people do it all the time! i dont blame you in teh least i know you where just trying to give a laugh

    #1027319
    yeshivaguy45
    Participant

    In Judaism there are 4 types of fish: Gefilte Fish, Salmon, Whitefish and Litvish. Gefilte Fish goes onto the stove, Salmon goes into the oven, whitefish goes into the fridge and Litvish goes into the freezer.

    #1027320
    notasheep
    Member

    Paddy walks into a pub and orders 4 pints of beer. He explains to the barman that he used to have a drink together with his three brothers, but now they have all gone their separate ways. To keep up the tradition, however, they would still order drinks for each other. This becomes a regular practice and the barman gets used to Paddy ordering 4 pints every time.

    One day, Paddy comes in and orders only 3 pints.

    “I’m very sorry to hear,” says the barman.

    “What do you mean?” asks Paddy.

    “I thought maybe one of your brothers had passed away, since you only ordered 3 pints,” explains the barman.

    “Oh no!” says Paddy, “everyone is fine! I’ve given up drinking…”

    #1027321
    YW fan
    Participant

    i made these up myself!

    1.what do tradition soups and cellphones have in common?

    the msg! 🙂

    2. when do you stop at green and go at red?

    when your txting! 🙂

    #1027322
    playtime
    Member

    notasheep- lol.

    Saw it years ago in the rd. thanx for reminding

    #1027323
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    what is it when red means go, yellow means slow down and green means stop?

    watermelon! 🙂

    #1027324
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    i dont get ur joke aproudbyg and ur 2nd joke YW fan!!!!!! im sooooo slowwww!!!!!!! Helppppp

    #1027325
    tajikpashut
    Member

    READ ALOUD

    Sarah saw her friend Reesa was feeling a bit down. So she sent her a page with ten puns.No pun intended.

    #1027326
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    mitzvahgirl613- the part you eat of watermelon is red,when you get to the yellow part you slow down eating,when you get to the green rine you stop

    #1027327
    playtime
    Member

    tjikpashut- sorry, don’t get it

    #1027328
    WIY
    Member

    A policeman pulled me over and said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I said, “You should really ask a psychic!”

    #1027329
    SaysMe
    Member

    talmud- no pun intended= no pun in ten did

    #1027330
    SaysMe
    Member

    yw fan- cute 🙂

    #1027331
    tajikpashut
    Member

    Sorry talmud,I skipped a line

    READ ALOUD

    Sarah saw her friend Reesa feeling a bit down. So she sent her a page of TEN puns to cheer her up.

    No pun intended.[sounds like..no pun in 10,did{cheer her up}]

    #1027332
    tajikpashut
    Member

    Officer I’ll walk in a straight line if you straighten it out.

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    Son,don’t become a drunk ,cuz if you do you’ll see four people there instead of two.

    But Dad there’s only one there!

    #1027333
    YW fan
    Participant

    mitzvahgirl613, ummmmmm usually people don’t want to text while they drive, right? So they go/start texting when the light is red and they stop texting (cuz they need to drive) when the light turns green! 🙂 Did you get my first joke?

    #1027334
    frummy in the tummy
    Participant

    I’m going to Passover that hotel this year. I already seder last year, and haggadah try something new. I’m leaning towards staying home instead of choosing to sell-a-bread and enjoy Pesach elsewhere. I’m not bitter that it will be marror work. Please dip-end on us for a meal, but don’t plague me too much or there will be ‘ten’sion. My children simply don’t know good and evil; keeping them free from trouble is like splitting the sea.

    #1027336
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    yw fan i got it now!!! thnx sooo much 4 the explanation!!!! those were goooddd jokes!!!!! lol and ya i got the 1st 1!!!

    #1027337
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    y did the piece of gum cross the road?

    bc it was attached to the chickens foot!!!!

    #1027338
    Git Meshige
    Participant

    I actually have something serious to say. Sechoik vekalus roish, margilin es haodom leervah

    #1027339
    notasheep
    Member

    thanks talmud! Paddy is always good for an Irish joke

    #1027340
    playtime
    Member

    Git Meshige- So as soon as you saw the word ‘Joke’ in the thread title, you should have abstained.

    #1027341
    Yserbius123
    Participant

    In Europe many years ago, the Kaiser Franz Joseph wanted to know how come the Jews are always so up to date on the news and know everything almost as soon as it happens. He calls in a small town Rav who tells him that the Yidden get their special knowledge from going to the Mikveh in the morning. The next day, he disguises himself and heads to the Mikveh. He toivels and dries off, but no knowledge seems to come to him. As he’s getting dresses on the bench, the guy next to him says “Nu, du hut geherdt? Der Kaiser kimpt!”

    #1027342
    YW fan
    Participant

    talmud, +1!

    #1027343
    notasheep
    Member

    How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

    …I’ll tell you the answer to that tomorrow…

    #1027344
    frummy in the tummy
    Participant

    notasheep – I’m waiting…

    #1027345
    writersoul
    Member

    An archaeology student on a dig in Gaza runs into his professor’s office jumping and screaming. “Professor! Guess what I found? It’s a 3,000 year old skeleton of a man who died of heart failure!”

    The professor inspects the skeleton and says, “Congratulations! You dated the skeleton accurately! But tell me- how do you know he died of heart failure?”

    The student pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. “I found this in the skeleton’s hand,” he said.

    It said “100:1 on Goliath.”

    #1027346

    Talmud- Quite the opposite. But very normal to be judged by others.

    #1027347

    Bugzie Shwartz, a notorious crook was sentenced to maximum security for fifty years. His crimes included murder in the first degree, attempted murder, auto theft, kidnapping, breaking and entering and grand larceny. One day he recieved a letter from his son:

    Dear Bugzie,

    I miss you. Remember how we used to prepare the garden for planting at this time of the year? Now I have to do it on my own.

    Love Dad.

    A few days later Mr Shwartz recieved a letter from Bugzie in prison.

    Dear Dad,

    don’t dig up the garden that’s where I buried all the bodies.

    The next day, FBI agents pull up and dig up the garden. They find nothing.

    Two days later, Mr Shwartz gets another lets from Bugzie.

    Dear Dad,

    Now the garden should be ready for planting. It was the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love Bugzie.

    LOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!

    #1027348
    notasheep
    Member

    I said I would tell you tomorrow… 😛

    #1027349
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    lollllll

    k heres one:

    Little girl: why does ur son say “Cluck, Cluck, Cluck?”

    Mother: because he thinks hes a chicken

    Little girl: So why dont u tell him hes not a chicken?

    Mother: b/c we need the eggs.

    LOLLLLLL

    #1027350
    notasheep
    Member

    What’s the difference between an elephant and a postbox?

    (I actually want responses from people before I give the punch line)

    #1027351
    kwaiker
    Member

    After a big fight with his blonde wife, a man walks into his bedroom to find her sitting on the bed holding a gun to her own head.

    At the sight of this, the man begins laughing.

    “What are you laughing about?” she says, “You’re next!”

    #1027352

    is the answer one of those things where you swap the wording?

    #1027353
    SaysMe
    Member

    writersoul- thanks for posting the first joke i hadn’t heard before!!

    and kwaiker the second!

    #1027354
    frummy in the tummy
    Participant

    SaysMe – so you’ve heard mine before??? (I made it up.)

    notasheep – I did post the next day; still waiting!!!!!!!

    Along the same lines, I don’t know the answer to your last, so you may not want to trust me with your mail.

    #1027355
    Chortkov
    Participant

    ur GOU cmL lmNU

    Rotate 180 degrees for Hebrew. (slight mix of script and block letters sorry)

    #1027356
    notasheep
    Member

    frummy – you are spot on! I was wondering if anyone had heard that one… And I said I would tell you tomorrow… 😛 LOL

    Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

    Cause it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

    #1027357
    SaysMe
    Member

    frummy- no i hadn’t, but i wouldn’t call it a joke either! 🙂

    #1027358
    frummy in the tummy
    Participant

    SaysMe – :O Ego deflated…

    #1027359
    noitallmr
    Participant

    I’ve got a tattoo which says “best before Feb 04” just incase I get stranded with some hungry cannibals…

    #1027360
    notasheep
    Member

    😀

    Speaking of cannibals…

    A cannibal met his friend shortly after arriving back from holiday. They get chatting, and Cannibal 1 tells Cannibal 2 all about the wonderful time he had:- “It was amazing, really enjoyable holiday!”

    Cannibal 2 then asks Cannibal 1:- “So how come you are missing an arm and a leg?”

    Cannibal 1 replies:- “It was self catering!”

    #1027361
    Chaimy
    Participant

    Why was 6 scared of 7?

    Because 7, ate 9.

    #1027362
    noitallmr
    Participant

    Q. What dog can jump higher than a building?

    A.Anydog, buildings can’t jump!

    Q. Why are ghosts bad liars?

    A.Because you can see right through them

    Q.how do you make seven an even number?

    A.take the s out!

    Q:How do you make a fruit punch?

    A:Give it boxing lessons.

    Q.What did the math book say to the other math book?

    A.Boy do I have problems.

    Q: Why did the boy take a pencil to bed?

    A.to draw the curtains!

    Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?

    A: Don’t worry Ive got you covered!

    Q.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train.

    A.The teacher says spit out your gum and the train says chew chew chew.

    Q.Why did the house go to the doctor?

    A.Because he had window panes!!!

Viewing 50 posts - 51 through 100 (of 111 total)
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