Older Bachur in the parsha

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  • #610233

    Being Real
    Participant

    Im a older bachur in shidduchim and want to transition from learning full time in BMG(Lakewood)to learning part time going to college part time in a frum atmosphere any suggestions?

    #1009443

    yeshivaguy45
    Participant

    You’re asking of where to go or how to deal with it?

    #1009444

    Utah
    Member

    you can go to Touro in the afternoon for college and learn in a yeshiva in the city

    #1009445

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Older Bachur in the parsha

    parshas vayetzei, I assume?

    #1009446

    Ender
    Participant

    Being Real: Do you want to leave Lakewood, or would you rather stay there?

    #1009447

    Oh Shreck!
    Participant

    Syag, actually yes. That was Yaakov Avinu. I hope the bachur here isn’t 63.

    #1009448

    marbehshalom
    Participant

    why dont you take one of those accounting courses offered in lkwd?

    I JUST dont know if you would be allowed to do that while living in the “irv”

    #1009449

    marbehshalom
    Participant

    you should find youre shidduch soon. Just keep on davening. that eorks

    #1009450

    SaysMe
    Member

    landers in queens seems to get a number of past-BMG full timers

    #1009451

    yeshivaguy45
    Participant

    There’s a yeshiva in Newark called Yeshiva@IDT. You could also try Ner Yisroel.

    #1009452

    Being Real
    Participant

    Thanks so much to everyone for their replies Im not 63 by the way I would rather stay in lkwd and go at night somewhere if possible Accountings not for me would like to hear more abt that Yeshiva@IDT whats that all about? Also landers has a dorm situation?Im always davening that’s the only thing that works ultimatly

    #1009453

    Being Real
    Participant

    was also wondering if guy that suggested landers is there now?

    #1009454

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Here’s my advice:

    The tenor of this thread seems like you are looking for a place where you can learn much of the day, and that will have some sort of college situation. I don’t think that is what you should be looking for.

    You should figure out what sort of college you want to go to. Do you have a BTL already and want to go to law school (usually a bad idea unless you are in the 99th percentile of LSAT scorers)? Do you want to go for accounting? Nursing? OT? MBA? PA?

    Then, find a program that will work well for you. And then find a chavrusah to learn with at night or find a yeshiva in the area with a shiur you can go to if you can schedule your classes around it.

    Meaning, you say you are an “older bachur”. I’m guessing you mean at least 26. So you should figure out what you want to do and do it. Most of the things you might want to do are really not going to work as a night program at this point, and you shouldn’t limit yourself to the few programs available for half day learning which are intended for people much younger than you who have much more time.

    There are options out there for you. Truth is, I even once met a fellow from BMG who had then gone to Yale College at about your age. Nice fellow, if he’s reading this.

    And don’t sweat the shidduchim–there’s plenty girls who will want a working BMG guy.

    #1009455

    SaysMe
    Member

    nope, but i have relatives there. Pretty sure they have a row of dorm houses for those who want to. It’s also very close to chofetz chaim

    #1009456

    oomis
    Participant

    Lander College (Part of Touro) was a great place for my son. I think how much older of a bachur you are. might make a difference in how comfortable you would be in that environment.

    #1009457

    SaysMe
    Member

    unless those were chofetz chaim’s dorms?….

    #1009458

    147
    Participant

    Just keep on davening. that eorks

    Meanwhile there are several Segulos circulating with the advent of Rosh Chodesh Ellul, such as 1000 hours of non-stop praying at Mekomos heKedoshim and 40 days at Amuka.

    You being real may want to sign up onto one of these Segulo programs.

    #1009459

    musser zoger
    Participant

    Meanwhile there are several Segulos circulating with the advent of Rosh Chodesh Ellul, such as 1000 hours of non-stop praying at Mekomos heKedoshim

    41 days non-stop? Where is this segula written?

    #1009460

    Being Real
    Participant

    Regarding poppa bar abbas reply:dont think you really get my situation my learning is utmost in my mind so just getting a chavrusa somewhere or going to a yeshiva where I don’t fit in is not worth it for me but do want to start college and begin some degree Im 26 and its time How young are the guys in Landers?does anyone know?

    #1009461

    147
    Participant

    There are programs with Limudei Kodesh & secular studies leading to a degree at Yeshiva University, so this is probably very close to what you Being Real are seeking.

    #1009462

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    My friend,

    I definitely do get your situation. Also, if you have been learning in BMG type yeshivos for 6-8 years, you are not looking for a place like Landers.

    There is no such thing as a BMG type yeshiva which allows college. And frankly, it is a bit too late for you to start doing college at nights–you need a real plan now.

    That doesn’t mean you aren’t serious about your learning or that it isn’t foremost–it means that you are also serious about the rest of life.

    #1009463

    Being Real
    Participant

    I do realize Im not going to find a yeshiva up to BMGs standards that also offers college courses but still trying to stay in yeshiva part time and do college as well since A)the girls who are looking for a full time college boy I feel are a different type than Im looking for ie frumkeitwise B)leaving the torah world fully and entering the secular world is avery dangerous step for someone like me whos not married and trying to stay shtark

    #1009464

    SaysMe
    Member

    being real- yasher koach on point b. It is dangerous

    #1009465

    Yamoos7123
    Member

    You can also do yeshivas ohr hachaim and landers where you could still learn 3 sedarim a day

    #1009466

    Ender
    Participant

    Ner yisroel might be your type of place, or at least the closest to what you are looking for. However, I’m not sure how many single guys your age are there.

    #1009467

    Vogue
    Member

    I would date your type. I want to date your type. you could always rent an apartment in nyc and go to landers.

    #1009468

    rc
    Participant

    why dont you just tell us more about you so we can find you a shidduch!!!

    #1009469

    Being Real
    Participant

    TO rc:not sure if I want to give out too much info abt myself on a public forum TO vogue:why are you intreasted in a guy like me?Just curious-beacause I feel like Im in between two worlds girls wanting college boys who wont respect my years of learning and yeshivish type girls who think Im not shtark if Im starting to transition over to the secular world

    #1009470

    Vogue
    Member

    on one hand learning is very important, and I highly value learning Torah, on the other hand I want to be able to afford to raise children without being on welfare for twenty years or more. I personally want to go into chinuch but its not realistic for everyone to do that because people who want to have lots of kids need money to take care of them and at least pay for in addition to all basic expenses, day school tuition and other extras that are healthy for children to have such as extra curricular activities. if you really want to be more insular, you can get a degree and work in a frum office.

    #1009471

    yeshivaguy45
    Participant

    Being Real yous should know that there are girls out there who are interested in marrying guys who are working because they don’t want to be the only one who’s dependent on money. At the same time they respect Limud Hatorah and they want someone who’s Kovea Itim Latorah and he values Torah.

    #1009472

    Being Real
    Participant

    There are those girls out there but they seem to be few and far between

    #1009473

    Being Real
    Participant

    also To rc: are u a shadchan?I really don’t like those people who just try their hand in shidduchim without much thought and just put skirt with pants without realizing the emotional investment involved but that’s a whole other topic….

    #1009474

    rc
    Participant

    i hear what youre saying, I’m not a professional, sorry!!

    #1009475

    Vogue
    Member

    also, just to add to my comment earlier, I cant afford to support someone who is learning long term.

    #1009476

    SaysMe
    Member

    being real- they may be few and far between but theyre out there and it makes it easier to find the one for you if you have a specific hashkafa you’re looking for. I know girls looking for that.

    I’m wondering. Are you looking to learn while in college only because you dont think the type of girl you want would go out with s/o in college full time?

    #1009477

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Being real – I would certainly want someone like you for my daughter. Not just because I cannot afford to support a boy in learning, but because 1) If the boy will eventually learn and work, I would like to see him do so to know he is capable. I can’t imagine it to be easy. 2) my daughter hopes to work in a professional field but my personal feeling is that children should not be raised by baby sitters. If she is the bread winner, it would be a given. 3) a boy working and learning means, to me, that he is more than just koveah itim. That is an important value to build a home with.

    My personal thought is that I think there are frum girls out there in college because they have a desire to be professionals, and there are some girls who are in college because they are willing to be professionals if that is what it will take to build a bayis ne’eman.

    #1009478

    dunno
    Member

    Being Real: your type is also exactly what I’m looking for. I keep getting told by shadchanim that guys like this don’t exist. I’m told I can either have college or learning but not both. It’s refreshing to know that it DOES in fact exist. The search continues…

    #1009479

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    1. You should live your life for what you want–not to get dates. You’ll find a girl who appreciates you for what you are. Besides, the girls who want guys planning to work want guys with a good plan, and you aren’t going to get a very good plan by going to some yeshiva for 19 year olds and taking liberal arts courses.

    2. Got no advice on that. If you aren’t ready to go to college, then don’t go. Find a career that doesn’t require college. Maybe become an auto mechanic. Or an IT guy and learn it all for free on the internet.

    #1009480

    Being Real
    Participant

    To says me and poppa bar abba: No I don’t want to stay in learning part time just to get a girl that fits(even though it is a worry of mine) I also believe in the idea of starting married life learning full time or part time It brings a whole different start to a marriage To dunno:I get the same reaction from shadchanim sometimes where are u?Here or there?Learning or school?When I go out the yeshivish girls are many times too sheltered and are kind of boring but the non yeshivish ones are not as frum as I would like its rough

    #1009481

    marbehshalom
    Participant

    just remember you have a zivug. and its gonna happen soon

    #1009482

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Ok. In that case, my advice to you is different.

    Stay in BMG, and learn full time. And figure out what you want to do for college when you leave in a few years.

    It just seems to me like you are trying to be poseach al shtei hasiipim. You want to stay in BMG part time which is impossible, and go to a college part time but not be limited by the offerings for part time programs, which is also impossible.

    So I said you need to leave yeshiva. But you don’t want to. So the solution is stay in yeshiva until you want to.

    #1009483

    dunno
    Member

    I sort of agree with Popa. You have to think about what it is that you want to do in the future. If it’s law school, then why not stay in BMG for now and get a BTL? With that you can start law school when you get married (and still be able to learn part time). If it’s accounting/business, how about FDU during bein hazmanim?

    #1009484

    Being Real
    Participant

    Mabye someone just wants to marry me and solve my problems…rrr just very frustrating

    #1009485

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    The only problem marriage solves is that of not being married.

    #1009486

    dunno
    Member

    Torah613Torah: He has a point. He would love to be able to go to college while still learn but because of the way the shidduch system is set up many girls who appreciate learning won’t look at him when they hear college since it has a bad connotation nowadays.

    #1009487

    Being Real
    Participant

    Dunno gets what Im saying I know marriage is not a pancea to all problems just would solve a lot in my life now

    #1009488

    “my personal feeling is that children should not be raised by baby sitters. If she is the bread winner, it would be a given.”

    Why would that be a given? Men can raise children. Not all men choose to be hands-on fathers, but many do. Typically, girls learn to take care of younger siblings as they are growing up and boys don’t, but it’s never too late to learn. There are also girls who are the youngest child, or only children, or those who don’t seem to be “natural” mothers or “born” mothers, but the baby comes and you figure it out. I have a cousin on my father’s side who is a stay at home dad. His wife has a corporate job and frequently travels the world. She comes home and spends time with them when she can, but he is the primary caregiver and does all the domestic stuff. He jokes that she doesn’t even know how to operate the dishwasher (which is actually true). Once, she tried to put them to sleep and they were bouncing off the walls; she came downstairs exhausted and handed the job to him. He had them all peacefully in bed within half an hour. I know not all men are like this, but many are or can be. I also have a cousin who took care of his daughter while he was in law school and his wife was working. They put her in part time day care and scheduled his classes around it. Also, my dad was between jobs when I was born and stayed home with me for the first year of my life. It can happen. You don’t know what kind of man your daughter will marry. If she is really passionate about her profession, he might agree to stay home with the children and learn while they are napping.

    #1009489

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Dunno gets what Im saying I know marriage is not a pancea to all problems just would solve a lot in my life now

    What problems would it solve, for example?

    #1009490

    yehudayona
    Participant

    jf02, I think it was implicit that he’s learning full time, so he can’t raise the children either.

    #1009491

    yehudayona, I know, I was responding to Syag Lchochma’s comment.

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