Onaas Devarim

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    When Orthodox Jews meet for the first time,
    our standard practice to ask each other many
    highly-invasive personal questions.
    This may be Onaas Devarim [or Onaat Devarim].

    If you are truly serious about avoiding Onaas Devarim,
    then PLEASE STOP asking people highly-invasive
    personal questions, like:

    Which yeshivah did you go to?
    Which country did your grandparents come from?
    How old are you? Why are you not married?
    Where do you work? What kind of work do you do?
    How much money do you make?
    Do you own the house you live-in and the car you drive?
    Who are your parents? Where do they live?
    Who are your brothers and sisters? What do they do?
    How many children do you have?
    Which schools do your children attend?

    These questions seem innocent to most
    Orthodox Jews, but they can be Onaas Devarim,
    if you ask them to the wrong person.

    Instead of asking highly-invasive & very detailed
    personal questions, give a quick Devar Torah,
    or a quick fact about current events,
    or say something about the weather.

    If you must ask these questions, then please ask
    them in private, not in front of a large audience,
    like hosts who ask their guests personal questions
    in front of the entire family and all the other guests.

    Last but not least, if you simply LISTEN
    to people when they speak, they will reveal
    many things about themselves,
    without you asking any questions.

    When it comes to kashrus [or kashruth],
    we accept the strictest chumrahs.
    Being strict [machmir] with the feelings
    of our fellow Jews is just as important,
    and maybe more so.

    Chazal never said that someone who
    accidentally eats traif is considered
    as if he committed murder.

    Chazal never said that someone who
    accidentally eats traif is punished forever.

    But Chazal did teach that someone who publicly
    humiliates his fellow Jew is considered as if he
    committed murder (tractate Baba Metzia, page 58B)
    and he will be punished forever (tractate Sanhedrin,
    page 107A). May G*D save all of us!

    תלמוד בבלי מסכת בבא מציעא דף נח/ב
    תני תנא קמיה דרב נחמן בר יצחק: כל המלבין פני חבירו ברבים, כאילו שופך דמים

    תלמוד בבלי מסכת סנהדרין דף קז/א
    המלבין פני חבירו ברבים אין לו חלק לעולם הבא


    Thank you for sharing your boich svara.


    “Thank you for sharing your boich svara”

    Boich Svara: ” Something a yodle comes up with on his own to shlug up accepted psak or teitch. Certain commenters here [in the CR] have a tendency to practice this”.
    Source: https://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/boich-svaras


    “How much money do you make?
    Do you own the house you live-in and the car you drive?
    Are you married? Why are you not married?”

    These are questions one doesn’t hear when meeting someone for the first time. Nobody does that. I have no idea why you groupe these together with innocuous things like where the person comes from.

    Asking where a person went to yeshiva depends on the circumstances; if you’re talking for a while, it can be brought up, but usually you can tell if someone never went to a yeshiva at all on their lives (most BTs spend time in some sort of yeshiva) before such a question would come up, so it’s not embarrassing.


    For instance, if i met someone with awkward hebrew pronunciation who was unaware of many frum norms i wouldn’t ask which yeshiva he went to


    What do you do?

    Truly means I don’t care about your profession as long as it makes me look good associating with you or you can offer me something.

    Shimon Nodel

    Let’s go Avira! Tear him down! The gall he has to suggest that anyone would EVER do that! Chalila! No one would ever ever ask these things, you must show him he’s crazy for even thinking it


    to quote @shimon nodel in a prior thread this post has enough lusken for a kugel.


    This is what I ask random people who I meet,
    Are you looking for a miracle cure for a terminal illness?
    Are you looking for someone who knows the future?
    Are you trying to decide who to marry?

    Reb Eliezer

    When Yaakov Avinu asked the malach, what is your name? The Chasam Sofer explains that he was told, don’t befriend me as I am not good for you. When I tell him some Torah and he does not understand it, will he not be ashamed?



    Pashut Pshat is he was told “Don’t ask me such highly-invasive personal questions.”

    Reb Eliezer

    ubi, I can explain your pashut pshat as the malach gets its name by the current function it performs.


    Neh, I ask a lot more personal questions, like what hemorrhoid medication works best, have you ever been interviewed by law enforcement, ever been audited by the IRS, how many governmental programs are you on, has your house been in foreclosure or your car been repoed

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