Out of town Shiduchim

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  • #601580

    cute
    Member

    Can someone please explain to me why most boys from the east coast just turn down girls from out of town without even looking into them?! This happened more than once to some friends and I.

    #842819

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Are you referring to girls who are currently living out of town?

    If so, the reason is that it disrupts your life to be constantly flying back and forth, and also that it adds unneeded pressure when each additional date will cost several hundred dollars.

    If you are referring to girls who are currently living in NY but grew up out of town, it is because they are rednecks.

    #842820

    OneOfMany
    Participant

    *twists neck around* Eh, I don’t see no red…

    #842821

    aries2756
    Participant

    NY boys have been trained to think they are a commodity therefore they hold themselves on a higher madreiga and do not have to put themselves out. They have been taught that they should not travel oot to date but those girls who wish to date them should do the traveling. They will however consider a girl from OOT, like LA for instance, if she is very wealthy.

    #842822

    BTGuy
    Participant

    Hi cute.

    Perhaps it is the traveling and distance of the other side of the family that is a concern. Sometimes, from what I hear, after the marriage settles in, the partner who moves far sometimes has issues with not being near their family. That is not always the case though.

    Also, I dont understand how people can assume someone from another part of the country may be right for them. Maybe someone can explain.

    In any case, hatzlacha and may the right one come along soon!!

    #842823

    A Heimishe Mom
    Participant

    Aside from the short-term complications and added expense of flying to date and IY”H make a wedding, the constant who goes where for yom tov, and who gets to see the couple/grandchildren more can cause a LOT of friction in a family. I have seen it time and again.

    A more “real” factor is that the mindset of an “out of towner” is very different from a New Yorker and there are many who can’t handle the cultural differences. And anyone who tries to deny that these differences exist is oblivious.

    #842824

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    If you are referring to girls who are currently living in NY but grew up out of town, it is because they are rednecks.

    So what is the problem? Let them marry their siblings.

    #842825

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    NY boys have been trained to think they are a commodity therefore they hold themselves on a higher madreiga and do not have to put themselves out. They have been taught that they should not travel oot to date but those girls who wish to date them should do the traveling. They will however consider a girl from OOT, like LA for instance, if she is very wealthy.

    I’ll replace that will “all boys,” since almost all the yeshivos that guys date from are in the northeast.

    Additionally,

    boys have been trained to think they are a commodity

    Trained? They are a commodity. Who are you fooling- you need them more than they need you.

    #842826

    sof davar
    Member

    Poppa – did you just quote and comment on yourself?

    #842827

    BTGuy
    Participant

    Hi cute.

    I just want to also say that I know of couples where one is from out of town and even out of the country (Toronto) and they are very happy with a great family.

    So, keep doing what you are doing and the right person will come along soon. Maybe those out of towners would not be right even if they were from in town.

    Hatzlacha and let us know when you are be’H engaged!!!!

    : )

    #842828

    bbubbee
    Participant

    First of all, living out of town & having BH married off all of my children, I feel that I can comment on this.

    I think the question on the table is not the cultural differences between and out of towner & an in towner, because many a time that is not even check into just because the girl is an out of towner. The question is whether a boy should go out of town for a date. For this we have a Mekor in Chumash. Avraham sent Eliezer out of town to look for a wife for Yitzchak & Yaakov was sent out of town to find his Shidduch. So what is wrong with looking out of town. As far as the travel goes, many a bochur do not hesitate to run out of town for their friends Lchaim of wedding. It is not Bitul Torah then?

    If a boy wants his wife to support him, (or her parents) why doesn’t the boy have the Derech Eretz to meet the parents when he picks up the girl for the first date? Why is it acceptable for the girl to leave her (paying) job, lower her level of Tznius (to run after the boy )and go to where he is.

    My boys traveled for the first date to where the girl was, & I was Makpid that the boy came to my home before I let my daughters go out with them. It was just one of the criteria that I based my choices on. ( & not the color of the tablecloth, what type of dinnerwear they use on Shabbos or many other non important things that people check into before allowing their kids to date)

    May Hashem send you the proper guidance with this whole inyan, and may you find your Zivvug soon.

    #842829

    Personally I think that boys from the dreaded east coast should only be looking for east coast girls.

    If one cant find a match in the massive NY/NJ/CT population then there is most likely something wrong with them that forces them to take their search to unsuspecting OOT (lord how i hate that phrase) community.

    I get so mad when I see one of my midwest sisters rushing off to catch a flight to JFK.

    So in closing, EAST COAST BOYS, GO FISH IN YOUR OWN POND!

    #842830

    oomis
    Participant

    As a mom of a son in the parsha, I have observed that it can be challenging and time-consuming for a boy to travel back and forth for dates (though in all honesty, the furthest out he has gone is a long drive to New Jersey), and the gas, tolls, etc. BEFORE the date even takes place, are often a consideration. Also, if a girl lives really OOT (i.e., the Midwest or LA), making a wedding so far away may be a problem for the boy’s side(key family emmbers might be able to afford to make the trip, or be of good health to do so). That being said, if the girl from OOT is his true basherteh, he should not let her OOT home be a stumbling block to his potential happiness.

    #842831

    Ender
    Participant

    Clever, that’s ridiculous. Maybe the OOT girls shouldn’t agree to go out with in-towners, instead of dropping everything when an in-towner agrees to go out with them. Or are you saying that all in-town boys should boycott OOT girls, gee that will help OOT girls

    #842832

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Cute,

    Please don’t bash the whole east coast just based on ny

    #842833

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I get so mad when I see one of my midwest sisters rushing off to catch a flight to JFK. So in closing, EAST COAST BOYS, GO FISH IN YOUR OWN POND!

    Sure. Enjoy dating the 2 guys dating from Telshe (if such even exist, and if they do, they probably fly to NY all the time to date.)

    (The purpose of this post is to demonstrate how all the midwest boys are in yeshiva in New Jersey, and they are the midwest brothers of your midwest sisters.)

    #842834

    squeak
    Participant

    Let them marry their siblings…….

    ROTFLMKO!!!!

    POY

    #842835

    gregaaron
    Member

    Because all other things being equal, if a boy on the East Coast has BH many good names to look into, why SHOULDN’T he first look at the ones that will not be a big hassle (timewise and economically)?

    #842836

    midwesterner
    Participant
    #842837

    oomis
    Participant

    For this we have a Mekor in Chumash. Avraham sent Eliezer out of town to look for a wife for Yitzchak & Yaakov was sent out of town…”

    Most of our boys are not of the caliber of Yitzchak and Yaakov, though they might think they are. Our Avos sent out of town because a) Avrohom wanted a girl ONLY from his Mishpacha, as the other girls in the neighborhood were not fit and proper to be an Eim b’Yisroel. b)Yaakov was FORCED to go out of town, to save his life, not to find a shidduch. He was fortunate to have mishpacha to run to from OOT, or our history might have been very different.

    #842838

    blabla
    Participant

    OMG I’m horrified by some of the closemindedness around here. Who cares where the girl is from? And you’ll reject a shidduch because of where the wedding will be? my gosh…just settle on something and ask them to make it in NY! Many OOTers DO make in NY cuz its cheaper. And I’ve heard that OOT girls are nicer than in towners but I don’t necessarily agree 🙂

    #842839

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Blabla,

    Lol your right about the close mindedness

    However, I think the reason guys want to marry “in town” is bc of their parents (the same for girls btw) the parents can’t let go of their kids and want them to stay in town and if you look for ooters maybe their kid will move away from their parents

    #842840

    Menachem Melamed
    Participant

    1) It is true that there are usually significant differences between New York area people and out of towners. Not that one is necessarily better than the other, but there are real differences. Sometimes these differences may even make for a successful shidduch.

    2) It is quite reasonable that a boy or girl that has to decide between two similar shidduchim to try out will try the one that involves less hassle and expense first.

    #842841

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    1- Want kesher with grandparents and it could be infrequent if far away

    2- could be costly. airlines wanna be paid for tix. I have a friend who as the family grew saw his family less and less because it was too expensive to fly everyone out

    4- Could be significant hashkafa differences

    3- Small family from one side wants to be near family

    Many good reasons…….

    5- can’t stand someone with good midos…………

    #842842

    aries2756
    Participant

    I find this whole business of the family being too far away baloney. Kids today move to Israel which is far away from everybody and thats OK for as many years as they wish to do that. So if they can live with their kids so far away in E”Y they can manage to travel to an OOT location for a wedding, share the kids for Yomim Tovim and do whatever else is necessary to make sure their kids are happy.

    #842843

    oomis
    Participant

    Blabla are you from OOT? If so, your reaction is understandable. However, to be fair, most parents are NOT looking for extra hassles when seeking shidduchim for their kids. the process is already annoying enough. If a shidduch comes from OOT, one should not reject it on that basis, but if one comes closer to home, it makes sense that those parents would consider that one first. Unfair to the OOTer? Probably. But still understandable. And I still feel the OOT person should be given a chance anyway. For someone in Chicago, NY is OOT.

    #842844

    blabla
    Participant

    Nothing personal-even if I WAS out of town=Its got nothing to do with where I’m from. But I agree that its not fair and i agree that its more convenient that way but a shidduch can’t be rejected simply on the basis that “she’s from OOT” if it wasn’t looked into!

    and aries-exactly the E”Y business! EXACTLY the point against the argument of OOT!

    #842845

    chaimss
    Participant

    I’m sure people from Atlanta, GA, Charlotte, NC, Norfolk, VA, etc. don’t appreciate being bundled together with NY/NJ…

    Also, while being from OOT may not be a sole reason, it’s definitely true that there’s generally a mentality difference that could definitely come into play.

    #842846

    farvus
    Participant

    Having lived both in NY and OOT, I see no justification for the inflated self-image of New Yorkers. There is, on the whole, more materialism and less openness among New Yorkers even though they consider themselves sophisticated.

    #842847

    jmj613
    Participant

    well almost noone of my town married someone from my town…its usually london, antwerp, nyc or israel. my brother went on a date to melbourne and got married there but lives in vienna. i am one of only heimishe who married a heimishe girl from here i deff agree with aries on this. btw usually kids come for yomtov etc and im not “fortunate” enough to go anywhere, my inlaws live 2 streets away and my own parents 10 min walk…

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