October 5, 2021 8:19 am at 8:19 am #2012361
Chuck us the mos random funny kosher geshmake jokes!October 5, 2021 12:32 pm at 12:32 pm #2012454GadolhadorahParticipant
Note to file: Some of the best jokes, even from the frum velt, still require a degree of rewording to satisfy local CR editorial standards. Perhaps not always as funny but better than another thread on vaccines, TDS or the latest Eidah Hafganos.October 5, 2021 12:41 pm at 12:41 pm #2012459🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
I don’t get it…October 5, 2021 1:03 pm at 1:03 pm #2012463GadolhadorahParticipant
Syag: Now that surprises me but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I’ll translate the punchline when we meet in Gan Eden.October 5, 2021 1:25 pm at 1:25 pm #2012473🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
If it’s not appropriate why did you post it?October 5, 2021 1:33 pm at 1:33 pm #2012472commonsaychelParticipant
best ramdom funny jokes are the serious comments posted hereOctober 5, 2021 2:20 pm at 2:20 pm #2012513
I guess I’m in good companyOctober 5, 2021 3:23 pm at 3:23 pm #2012547
Me too.October 5, 2021 6:34 pm at 6:34 pm #2012584
A chabadnik on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the chabadnik returned. “Excuse me,” he said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the chabadnik was not convinced, and a few minutes later he approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” he asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the chabadnik.” You don’t look Jewish.”October 5, 2021 7:39 pm at 7:39 pm #2012590
a breslev a poilishe and a lubavitcher are stuck in gehenim.
The breslev screams “rabbi nachman mauman” and rav nachman pullss him out by his peis
the poilisher screams “rebbe” and is rebbe pulls him out by his feet
the lubavitcher screams “rebbe” and the lubavitcher rebbe comes, gives him a dollar and tells him brocha vhatzlocha in your shlichus!
Im also lubavitch so please dont get offendedOctober 5, 2021 7:40 pm at 7:40 pm #2012592
Two bochurim are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
yossel, say his friend, we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!October 5, 2021 8:18 pm at 8:18 pm #2012646
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
‘Why did the lubavitcher cross the road? To be mekarev the chicken.October 5, 2021 10:43 pm at 10:43 pm #2012664GoldilocksParticipant
What do you call the lubavitcher rebbe’s driver?
The chauffeur shell moshiach.October 6, 2021 1:25 am at 1:25 am #2012712Shimon NodelParticipant
President Biden, Putin, a priest, and a rabbi are on plane. The plane is going down, but there are only three parachutes. Putin immediately grabs one and jumps before anyone can blink twice. The rabbi states emphatically that the president deserves the next parachute. Biden accepts and jumps. The priest then says to the rabbi “you can have the last parachute, I’m prepared to meet my maker.” The rabbi replies, “well actually father, there’s no need. You see.. Biden just grabbed my tallis!”October 6, 2021 2:59 am at 2:59 am #2012750
a guy comes to a mental asuylm and overhears one guy saying “G-D came to me in a drream last night”. then omeone else pipes up, no i didntOctober 6, 2021 7:29 am at 7:29 am #2012791
A California state trooper pulls over a car and walks over to the driver. “Today’s your lucky day.” he says. We have a program to promote seatbelt use. I pulled you over because you were wearing your seatbelt. You will receive a reward of $5,000. So, what are you going to do with the money?
The man thinks for a moment and answers, “I think the first thing I will do is go out and get a drivers license.”
His wife in the front passenger seat screams out, “Oh for goodness sake, officer don’t listen to him, he always talks nonsense when he’s drunk.”
The commotion wakes up their friend in the back seat. He sees the officer and screams to the couple, “I told you we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
And then there is a banging from the trunk followed by a voice, “Ay amigos, did we cross the border yet?October 6, 2021 9:45 am at 9:45 am #2012807
I mohel was upset after a bris because he did not get severance pay.October 6, 2021 10:12 am at 10:12 am #2012863
I thought a mohel was not gets paid in tipsOctober 6, 2021 10:38 am at 10:38 am #2012867hujuParticipant
Two frum guys walking on Boro Park street pass a church with a sign outside, readisayng: “Convert to Xianity in one hour, receive $10,000.” So one guy says, “You know, I’m tired of being a frum Jew, I’m going to give it a try, and I could really use $10,000.” So he goes in, comes out an later, and the other guy asks him, “Did you do it? Did you really convert? And did you get the $10,000?” And the first guy says, “You ask me about the $10,000? Is that all you people care about?”October 6, 2021 7:43 pm at 7:43 pm #2013045
Shimon, you might think that Biden does not have a grasp of things, so he would take the tallis. Still, apparently all his children marry/date Jews, some twice, some the same .. so, he may recognize the tallisOctober 6, 2021 7:44 pm at 7:44 pm #2013050
Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”October 6, 2021 7:44 pm at 7:44 pm #2013051
An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”October 7, 2021 1:38 pm at 1:38 pm #2013281HaravPhilDaBoiParticipant
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license and is told he has to take an eye test in order to get his Taxi license
The examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the examiner asks.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “I know the guy!!”October 9, 2021 9:24 pm at 9:24 pm #2013768
you dont need a parachute to go skydiving, unless your going twiceOctober 9, 2021 10:21 pm at 10:21 pm #2013835
when you are arguing with an idiot jujst make sure he isnt doing the sameOctober 9, 2021 10:45 pm at 10:45 pm #20138435781Participant
A guy owned a parrot that kept speaking nivel peh and was awfully rude in general. whenever he had friends over his parrot would annoy them till they left and so on. He tried all these different types of therapy and nothing worked. It was when his boss came over for dinner and the parrot was so rude his boss stormed out in anger he decided he had enough. He took his parrot and chucked him in the freezer, 25 seconds later he took him out the owner being a sensitive guy apologized profusely stating he went way too far, but for the next week and after his parrot was perfectly polite and nice. the owner couldnt take it any longer he asked how cd a few seconds in the freezer completely change you? the parrot answered i saw what happened to the chicken.October 10, 2021 7:43 am at 7:43 am #2013841AviraDeArahParticipant
One of my rebbeim took rav dovid Soloveitchik on a trip bein hazmanim. He and rav dovid were walking and they saw an arab on a donkey. Rav dovid said they should hurry up to avoid him, and my rebbe said “what is the rosh yeshiva worried about? Ehr iz nohr ains un mir zenen tzvei”, rav dovid answered “ehr is oichid tzvei” (im hadomeh….)October 10, 2021 7:45 am at 7:45 am #2013894
A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”October 10, 2021 7:53 am at 7:53 am #2013912Shimon NodelParticipant
My great great uncle had a parrot he trained to insult his neighbor (true story)October 10, 2021 10:27 am at 10:27 am #2014012
The eye test reminds me of another joke. A eye doctor asks the patient, can you see the plaque on the wall? He says, what wall?October 10, 2021 5:04 pm at 5:04 pm #2014201
what did the right eye say to left eye. “between me and you somthing smellsOctober 10, 2021 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #2014236Shmili_OOngarParticipant
AvirahDeAra- what does “oichid” mean?October 10, 2021 7:25 pm at 7:25 pm #2014250GoldilocksParticipant
Shmili, it means “also”.October 10, 2021 8:39 pm at 8:39 pm #2014253
“Ehr iz nohr ains un mir zenen tzvei”,
It’s one against two
“ehr is oichid tzvei“
They are also twoOctober 10, 2021 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #2014288
When Ben and his family returned home from his son’s Bar Mitzvah, they were shocked to discover that all the money and cards he received had gone missing! Rivkah, Ben’s wife swore she handed all the cards and money to the Rabbi and asked him to keep an eye on it throughout the party. Ben didn’t want to accuse his Rabbi of stealing, so decided it was best to avoid him!
A full year later, Ben see’s the Rabbi at the grocery store. The Rabbi corners him and says “Ben, nu! Why have you been avoiding me!” Ben sighs. “To be honest Rabbi, I have been avoiding you ever since we discovered that the cards and money have been missing from the Bar Mitzvah!” “Tell me, Ben,” the Rabbi says. “Has your son been putting on his tefillin?” “Of course!” Ben answered. “But what does that have to do with the money?” The Rabbi answers, “I put the cards and money in your sons tefillin bag which he clearly hasn’t opened since his Bar Mitzvah!”October 11, 2021 7:48 am at 7:48 am #2014436
A successful young businessman opened the door to his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the young man was crying, Oh, my Beemer! My Beemer!”
“You’re so worried about your BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left hand was ripped off!” snarled the cop.
“Oh no!” said the young man, “Not my Rolex too!”October 11, 2021 7:48 am at 7:48 am #2014437
“Does marriage change one’s personality?” Greg asked his buddy Mike. “In a way,” says Mike. “You see, when I was engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. When we just got married she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. Now we both do most of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening.”October 11, 2021 11:33 am at 11:33 am #2014568
?ווי פילע אַנטי -ציאָניסטןOctober 12, 2021 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #2015184Jew101Participant
All of the animals went into the תיבה in pairs. Except for the worms — they went in apples.October 12, 2021 8:01 pm at 8:01 pm #2015255
answer to my previous question – 4.October 12, 2021 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #2015276
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice.
After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces.
“What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shout.
“We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”October 12, 2021 10:28 pm at 10:28 pm #2015303Amil ZolaParticipant
What a delightful thread. Thanks to all who have contributed.October 12, 2021 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm #2015347
whyb did the traffic light turn red?
you would if you had to change in the middle of the streetOctober 13, 2021 12:07 am at 12:07 am #2015355
@aposhiter yid LOLOctober 13, 2021 1:16 am at 1:16 am #2015367
Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Louie: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”October 13, 2021 5:32 pm at 5:32 pm #2015701
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you? Make sure to do this fast, as I am in a mad rush, as you can see from the endless telephone calls of clients.”
“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phoneOctober 14, 2021 8:06 am at 8:06 am #2015846
They say what is the difference between a 20 year old, 40 year old and 60 year old?
A 20 year old is very self conscious. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What do they think of me?
A 40 year old says to himself: This is me, and I could not care less what they think of me and how they look at me. They don’t like what they see, tough luck on this, this who I am. Take it or leave it.
And then the 60 year old realizes that nobody was ever looking at him in the first place…October 14, 2021 11:02 pm at 11:02 pm #2016220
You know why gas prices are going up?
Because ה׳ חפץ למען צדקו (citgo)October 15, 2021 12:18 am at 12:18 am #2016337
A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel.
The local commissar calls him in for questioning
Q. Haven’t we allowed you the right to worship in
A. Can’t complain.
Q. Haven’t we let you live in peace with your
A. Can’t complain.
Q. Haven’t we allowed you to travel freely within
and beyond the village?
A. Can’t complain.
Q. Haven’t we allowed you to teach your children
A. Can’t complain.
Q. Haven’t we let you practice your profession?
A. Can’t complain.
Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel?
A. “There, I can complain!”October 15, 2021 7:36 am at 7:36 am #2016362
a teacher in communist russia is asking her students what thety want to be when they grow up
teacher: leo, who are your parents
leo: father stalin and mother russia
teachger: and what do u want to be when you grow up?
leo: an engineer
teacher: misha, who are your parents
misha:father stalin and mother russia
teacher: and what do u want to be when you grow up?
misha: an orphan
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