Random funny jokes!

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    Yaakov and Chaim are walking in a forest when they see a bear in the distance. Yaakov quickly pulls out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and puts them on, Chaim says to him do you really think you can run faster than that bear? Yaakov says All I have to do is run quicker than you can.


    One Shabbat morning, Rabbi Levy noticed seven-year-old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul lobby. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. David had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walked over to him and said quietly, “Shabbat shalom, David.”

    “Shabbat shalom, Rabbi,” replied David, still intent on the plaque. “Rabbi, what is this?”

    “Well, David, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

    Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David, in a barely audible whisper, asked, “Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”


    My Health

    Jack Silverberg who lives in a little shtetl in England goes to consult a world-famous specialist in NY about his heart condition.

    “So, doctor, what do I owe you?”

    “My fee is $10,000,” replies the specialist.

    “10,000? But that’s impossible!?”

    “OK, then – in your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to $8,000.”

    “8k for one visit!? Absurd! You are meshugah! What do you need all this money for anyhow?”

    “Alright, then, can you afford 7k?”

    “Who even has that kind of money for one doctor consultation?”

    “”Look,” says the doctor, becoming quite irritated, “Just give me 5k and get out of here.”

    “I can give you 500 dollars,” says Silverberg. “Not a penny more. 500 dollars is reasonable. Take it or leave it!”

    “I don’t understand you,” says the doctor, frustrated, angry and annoyed. “Why did you shlep all the way from Britain to the most expensive doctor in all of the US? You knew how expensive I am! If you don’t have the money, why did you come to me?!”

    “Listen, Doctor,” Silverberg explains. “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!”


    An Israeli cop is patrolling the highways, when he pulls over a young driver speeding way beyond the speed limit.

    The cop proudly walks up to the driver’s window: “I’ve been waiting for you all day!”

    To which the kids replies: “I tried to get here as fast as I could…”


    I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!


    Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.


    why did the yetzer hara cross the road? to get to the sitra achra

    mesivta bachur

    what did avi weiss say to the MO guy? Y U so machmir!


    I invented a new word!


    Two hunters are crawling through the underbrush when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. The other guy checks for a heartbeat and finds none so he calls 9-1-1 in a panic. “Help!” He says, “My friend just died.” “Okay,” Said a calm voice at the other end of the phone. “The first thing I’ll need you to do is to make sure he’s actually dead.” The 9-1-1 operator hears a gunshot over the line. “Done. Now what?”


    A guy is partying in Tel Aviv in a local pub and suddenly noticed he lost his wallet. He got up on the bar and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over 500 shekels in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give 50 shek!”
    A voice from the back of the bar shouted, “I will give 75!”


    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
    Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”
    “Is your Daddy home?” he asked.
    “Yes,” whispered the small voice.
    “May I talk with him?”
    The child whispered, “No.”
    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
    “May I talk with her?”
    Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
    Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anyone else there?”
    “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
    “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
    “Busy doing what?”
    “Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
    “A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.
    “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
    Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
    Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”Me!”


    A KGB agent walks up to a Jew and says, “Why are you learning Hebrew, we’ll never let you leave.” The man says, “Oh no, I’m learning Hebrew so when I get to heaven I’ll be able to talk to people.” The agent says, “And what if you go to hell?” The man replies, “I already speak Russian.”

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