July 28, 2008 7:02 pm at 7:02 pm #587920Y.W. EditorKeymaster
The following was submitted to YWN via email:
Hi, I wrote the below in hopes that some one else can learn from one persons experience.
Chaim goes through life like any other person. He goes to elementary school gets in to the trouble. He goes on to Mesivta, then Beis medrash and becomes a real talmud chacum. He is known as a great bochur and gets a considerably good shiduch. He goes on in life to raise a nice frum family with frum children. He is very happy with his life and passes on from this world. He comes up to the olam ha-emes and is awaiting his reward. The scale is brought before him and a list of things he has done is put on the scale. He is proud of what he has accomplished in his life. He raised frum children, learnt a lot of Torah in his life and has done well. He is very shocked when he see’s that he is being all of a sudden facing murder, never getting married, stealing and many other things that he has never ever done in his life? Where did he go wrong? What did he do? We can all speculate as to what has happened in his life to cause him to be brought up on such charges.
Here is another story similar to the one above. For the sake of saving time we can use the story above and set this mans profession to being in chinuch. He was a dedicated rebbi and did what he learnt on the job.
So what went wrong? Lets take a closer look at the story. Some facts are missing. There was another boy in Chaim’s class that the boys would pick on. Children are children and they can be harsh. Chaim never paid attention to what he did as a child and went on with his life.
Now lets take a closer look at to what happened to this boy, will call him Boruch. To the average person kids will be kids and it is something of the past. Boruch suffered tormenting for several years by his peers. This left a big dent in his psychological growth. The school re-assured him that the issues would be resolved but they were not. This caused many issues between his parents as to what to do with him. They decided to move him to another school. Being that he was “psychologically damaged” he did not do well on school and then bounced from yeshivah to yeshiah labeled as a “problem child”. Eventually he dropped out of school. After all he was labeled as a “problem child”. Ever he went people looked at him as a nebach child. They would feel bad for Boruch’s parents. Oy nebach that they have such a chilled they would say. Boruch eventually came around to get a good job but never fully recovered. Certain things that were etched in his mind from the time he was a child stayed with him forever. He is at an older stage in his live, not stable and not married. Most of his friends are married with children of their own sheping their own nachas. They invite Boruch over because they feel bad for him. Countless of hours of therapy and tens of thousands of dollars later he is doing a bit better but still struggling.
Now we understand a bit better the “charges” being brought against Chaim. Lets have a look at some of them
We have no right to judge what hashem does and why people get treated the way they do. We can never ask questions as to why he does what he does but we can ask:
1) How can parents who have been told that their child is tormenting others write it off as “children will be children”. What happened to the parents responsibility to teach their children kovod habrios.
2) How can society label a child as a”problem child” without knowing what he went through? Instead of seeing him in his downward spiral and saying oy nebach how about looking at the root of the issue?
3) How can a rebbi decide what the child’s issue is and try to take care of it by embrace him in front of entire class to teach him a lesson.
4) How can society reject such a person instead of embracing him and trying to help him?
5) How can yeshivos throw him to the curb because they can not “deal with him”.
There are many “Boruch’s” out there in the world. Be it being tormented as a child or another issue in their life. Are we to just let them fall by the way side? As a mature adult reading this you will say to yourself, me do this? Never!! Think back to your child hood. Was there any one that you picked on? Where is this boy or girl today? What ever happened to him or her? Where are they in life? Did you ever ask forgiveness? Do you think they can forgive you after all of it?
If there is one thing that can be learnt from this listen to your children. If such an issue arises it can be averted with the proper measures. If you see a “nebach child” the last thing he wants is for you to look at him different (although acting out can be a cry for attention). Don’t you think his family has enough of a “problem” on their hands? They don’t need any more labeling than they already have. Next time you see a “Boruch”, when you get home say a bit of tehilim for him. It can go a long way. Join in with his mothers tears.
This in no way is to undermine other people’s problems in life but I think whether a child has been tormented as a child, lost a parent, has a physical disability we should teach our children (and our selves) to treat each yid with respect. We were all create B’Tzelem Elokim and no one should be looked down upon because of what they went though in their life.
Instead of letting out a cry of oy nebeach, pull out a tehilim and join this holly neshama in his pain.
The above is not at all a dramatization or a great play but the actual events of one person’s life. There are many other precious neshomos out there that go through this. Something has to be done.July 28, 2008 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #657680oomisParticipant
Instead of letting out a cry of oy nebeach, pull out a tehilim and join this holly neshama in his pain
Instead of doing either of those things, first try befriending him, being there for him, and stopping others from tormenting him. THEN take out a Sefer Tehillim and daven for the neshamos of the spoiled brats who are torturing him and making him feel worthless. Better yet, go to their parents and ask them to teach their children better middos. Maybe Moshiach will even come. Sorry for the rant, but this is a hot button issue for me. I have seen children being bullied by others, and I am proud that one of my children stood up to one such bully who was beating up on a smaller child (on the bus going home from Yeshiva). He got between the two kids, ended up with his own glasses getting broken, but stopped the attack. By the way, when I called the parents of the bully to tell them how their son came to my son’s glasses, the mother told me my son should learn to mind his own business. Small wonder that the child was such a bully.September 6, 2009 1:57 pm at 1:57 pm #657681artchillParticipant
The Ohr Hachayim explains in Parshas Nitzavim, why the children were standing in front of Moshe on his final day of life. He says, children have the responsibility top influence their classmates and peers in their own way to stop inappropriate behavior. A child who bullies others, and a parent who defends such disgusting behaviors have the blame for the outcome.
Bullying others falls into the category of V’Haniglos, which EVERY Jew is responsible for.September 6, 2009 3:10 pm at 3:10 pm #657682I can only tryMember
This is an excellent topic to bring back to the front page as Rosh Hashana approaches.
One of the best things about Chaim Walder’s excellent books is the way he brings out the importance of treating others with kindness, as well as the long-term rippling destructive effects of bullying and cruelty.
I think that the thing that frum people regret more than anything else (when and if they take the time to think about it) is unkind, uncaring and just plain mean actions taken toward others, including those taken when we were too young to know better.September 6, 2009 4:06 pm at 4:06 pm #657683havesomeseichelMember
Teachers should be very aware of the goings-on in their classroom. There can be physical torture or mental torture. Look to see if there is a kid that is never included, is never approached to be a potential partner for a project, is never spoken to during recess… even if they seem ok. they probably are not if no one speaks to them. they can be doing well academically but a kids social life is just as important.
Dont point the kid out or tell the whole class to be nicer to Shloimy or Rochel. That will just make him the object of more teasing or ignoring and wont help. Help the kid but dont make it OBVIOUS… like calling the kid out of class many times (and no one else) to talk to him or her. When making a class project, try to assign groups of two. two kids to work on a part together (one being THE kid and the other is one who he/she might possibly get along with.) Split up cliques and the bully with his/her compadres… 3s dont work because one kid can be left out.September 6, 2009 9:08 pm at 9:08 pm #657684just meParticipant
Some teachers are just as guilty. There was a boy in my son’s class who was a handful. His last name was Shener (nicer in Yiddish). The teacher would get frustrated and call him Moishe Erger (worse). Yes, I did complain to the pricipal about it.September 7, 2009 4:00 am at 4:00 am #657685sunflowerMember
to just me: how in the world can you go and print the boys name on the computer? i am trying to be dan likaf, but what if any of this boys relatives is in teh cr how will they feel? please exp;ain this to me . thanksSeptember 7, 2009 5:28 am at 5:28 am #657686mom12Participant
Yes we have a major problem…the melamdim look away or go out for ‘lunch’ and no nothing of the bullying going on at this time..the problem is when my child only tells me years later of what happened by this and this Rebbe…
there is another major issue, buchorim scoring 80% on b’chinos are called ‘beinonim’ and are not accepted into yeshivos because the Rosh yeshiva cannot deal with ‘problems’!
personally , I don’t think an 80% is a problem…and now we are back to square 1 as YW editor mentioned 1 yr ago….who are the murderers of today?!?!? unfortunately..the rosh yeshivos of today that decide who will come to yeshiva and who will be playing ball in the park this year,and many years after that,then we have ‘AT RISK’ kids so who do we blame and waht do we do?
A good yeshiva is one that takes in EVERYONE that wants to learn no mattter what level
he is on and is treated equally!!!!!!!!!!!!
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