scared to get married

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  • #596381

    composer
    Member

    My closest friend is abt to get married and is terrified…doesnt stop crying..what shld i say???? I’m not married yet so i dont know how to comfort!!

    #1063936

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    That does not sound too good. I think she better speak with someone (a therapist) fast. Especially if her wedding is scheduled for the week after pesach.

    #1063937

    eclipse
    Member

    Tell her eclipse lived happily ever after,why shouldn’t you?:)

    I am happy…AFTER!!

    #1063938

    Shrek
    Member

    a professional (therapist, social worker, psychologist etc.) can hopefully help her figure out if she has “cold feet” or serious concerns. tell her not to ignore her feelings! they may be trying to tell her something important.

    #1063939

    s2021
    Member

    THAT IS NOT NORMALL!

    SAVE HER!!!

    ok, I can tell u from experience, I cried alot before I got married. My friends saw it but didnt to say anything bec they thought it wasnt ther place.

    2 years later I am divorced.

    My friends tell me they feel bad they never said anything.

    I feel bad no one ever said anything.

    I was very confused and didnt know what to think. If someone would have aproached me and helped me realize what was going on, things might have been different.

    TALK TO HER PARENTS. NOW.

    U need to make sure they are aware and her fears are not coming from somewhere.

    #1063940

    yogibooboo
    Member

    i freaked out a little bit before i got married too. its perfectly normal. but if its really that bad, she should talk to someone ASAP. she’ll feel better once she does

    #1063942

    hanib
    Participant

    really depends what she’s terrified of to say if it’s normal or not. it could be totally normal – it is a totally new stage, and new things can be quite scary. (and hormones can be quite wacky when one is engaged).

    or like s2021 says: it could be she is having serious doubts for very good reasons.

    so she should talk to someone who has lots of experience with shidduchim and is WISE!

    s2021 – just read in detail what you wrote (before i skimmed) – that is scary and so sad. 🙁

    #1063943

    boredinoffice
    Participant

    TEHRAPIST IS A MUST

    #1063944

    s2021
    Member

    bina- thanx.. yeah sok- moving foward!

    #1063945

    Shrek
    Member

    if she doesn’t want to speak to a therapist, she can call the Yitty Leibel helpline or the Shalom Task Force & they will try to help her over the phone with figuring out her emotional state.

    #1063946

    lightitup
    Member

    I can relate a bit, since I was about to get engaged to someone who was totally not for me. Due to lots of hashgacha, I ended up speaking to a professional-who was really was good (there were some professionals who advised me-just get enagaged, you have commitement issues, fear of the unknown). This was a while back and B”H I have the clarity now to know that he really was not for me, I was blinded in the moment though, and the anxiety and lack of excitement I felt then was telling me that this is something serious.

    #1063947

    aries2756
    Participant

    composer, what is she scared of? Is she scared of “getting married” or is she scared of her future husband. Those are two different things. If she is having doubts about her chassan, she should talk to her parents and maybe a therapist. If she is scared of “getting married” she probably does not want to discuss that with her parents and maybe she needs to go back to her Kallah teacher or a very close friend who can calm her down.

    #1063948

    you ahve to know her…if shes the nervous type, chances are its nothing and just pre wedding jitters….

    #1063949

    yogibooboo
    Member

    i wanted to add something- i was really having cold feet because it was a new stage in life etc etc. i felt stressed as anythign also because we were doing this by ourselves. anyways i went to someone whom i had confidence in and who also runs an organization here to help with different things. I started bawling to him and once i did i felt better. he said he wanted me to see a therapist. he gave me the number, i called her and i asked her will i have to break it off? she said “i dont know, maybe.” the second i heard that i backed away from her because i loved the guy i was going to marry but i was just scared. b”H i am happily married and i was happy i got out that one good cry and i felt better. but if she is constantly crying and doesnt know what to do anymore, its time for help. i can recommend someone amazing if the mods let you email me. (and no its not the therapist he orginally had me see. someone different and better!

    #1063950

    Boy, I hope her chassan is not reading this thread.

    #1063951

    And how would he know it is his Kallah if he is?

    #1063952

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    He sure is and now he is getting scared!

    #1063953

    hanib
    Participant

    Boy, I hope her chassan is not reading this thread.

    lol!

    #1063954

    welldressed007
    Participant

    The heart does not know how to lie, cold feet might suggest or prompt a doubt, but that is all it is. If there is a more serious reason, act upon it, get serious help. It does not help to be sorry afterwards.

    #1063955

    Like everyone here said, it has to be taken very seriously, and then dealt with (whichever way it may go).

    Only thing about suggesting a therapist is, her parents. Why haven’t her parents picked up on this? Quite possibly they did. But, “how embarrassing it’ll be if their daughter breaks it off” and other fears etc etc. I don’t know her financial standing, but she may be hesitant to go spend a thousand bucks on a qualified therapist, with a proven track record, especially if her parents will know about it. (Divorce court is whole lot more expensive).

    #1063956

    aries2756
    Participant

    TBT is on the mark, spend whatever is necessary before the wedding, it will cost a lot less than what you have to spend to get a “get”. No one should have to be talked in to marriage. If the Kallah has serious doubts about the chassan then she should NOT be forced into the marriage. It is a disaster waiting to happen and she should speak ONLY to a qualified person to hear her out and help her out.

    However, if she has nervous qualms about marriage or intimacy, she should also speak to a qualified person to hear her out and help her out, because that has nothing to do with a good guy. It has only to do with the fears of the unknown and inexperienced and she needs to have her questions answered by a sensitive and caring person.

    #1063957

    If this is my Kallah I got a real problem on my hands. Uh oh.

    #1063958

    adorable
    Participant

    i also have cold feet but dont have the guy yet so its a little hard to give any advice i think she should speak to someone! I am also scared to commit but I think that once I get to that stage I will just jump into it and pray for the best! young and dumb is the best way, but what happens when you are past that stage?!?!!?!? now what?

    #1063959

    klach
    Member

    rabbi akiva tatz related a story about a kallah who a week before her chuppah came to him because she wasn’t sure she was attracted physically to her chosson. After talking to him, she decided to go on with the wedding. . . After the wedding, though, she couldn’t go home with him and they had to get a “get” (no pun intended).

    edited

    #1063960

    klach
    Member

    that night

    #1063961

    Patur Aval Assur
    Participant

    “they had to get a “get” (no pun intended).”

    If you ever learn maseches gittin make sure your chavrusa knows in advance that he’ll be getting at least 5 no pun intendeds per day

    #1063962

    aries2756
    Participant

    Really, this is nothing to joke about. Some kids are very innocent and naive and they can actually be extremely terrified. Sometimes they hear horror stories of the wedding night from their friends which is really a cruel thing to do and so they don’t know better and if they don’t have a good person to talk to and help them have a better understanding they can really freak out. This can be very serious and very damaging to a young person either boy or girl. If that happens to be the issue.

    On the other hand if she has a fear of the chassan himself, because of something he said or did, or something she found out about him, she really must talk it out with her parents or someone she trusts to help her figure out if she should move forward of call it off. She needs to know if it is just nerves or if it is her inner voice telling her to be smart and not make a mistake.

    #1063963

    cherrybim
    Participant

    If there are any doubts, break it NOW.

    #1063964

    Health
    Participant

    It shows that the world never speaks the truth. The world always says that girls are more mature than boys (even the same age), so how come most of the stories of cold feet are the girl’s issue? Perhaps the “girls” aren’t as mature as the boys- right before they actually are getting married?

    #1063965

    walton157
    Member

    If this couple’s marriage C’V does not work out, both their dating pools will be that much smaller if he is a Cohen and she meets a Cohen.

    I also wonder if the young man notices (if they see each other) that his bride cries much of the time.

    #1063966

    adorable
    Participant

    this situation really freaks me out. composer- is your friend a young girl who was naive until she got engaged and is now finding it hard to go ahead or is she just scared to commit? did he say anything to make her nervous? I have a friend from OOT and when I met her a couple days before she got married I must say that she looked horrible and I was very nervous about her but once she went under the chuppa she was calm. He said all the rigth things and knew how to calm her down. that might just be the case with your friend too.

    #1063968

    aries2756
    Participant

    Health, I believe it is NOT really a lack of maturity, it could be the fear that if it doesn’t work out they can be held hostage as an agunah for the rest of their lives. I like to suggest to chassanim and Kallas to sign the prenup but many people frown upon it. When a couple love each other or at least like each other very much before they marry, they should care enough about each other to sign the prenup in regard to giving and accepting a get in case it doesn’t work out. That is the best thing for all concerned. Why wouldn’t a man agree at that time when he cares about his Kallah to give her a get if it doesn’t work out. Nice young men can turn into monsters when it comes to giving a get. For no reason at all they can become very vicious when it comes to giving a get.

    #1063969

    shlishi
    Member

    aries: did you and your spouse sign the prenup? there is a version available for already married couples. if not, why would you suggest it to others?? rav elyashev paskened that if there is a rca prenup involved, then any subsequent get may halachicly considered a ‘get me’usa’ and potentially invalid, and any subsequent children of hers mamzeirim.

    #1063970

    Health
    Participant

    Aries – Being that you’re a woman, you seem to take a defensive stand. I’m talking from pure logic. While it’s true such a possibility does exsist, I don’t think that this floats through the mind of the avg. frum Kallah. I think, as opposed to the current trend of thinking, that the girl is less mature and ill-adapted for marriage. I think by the time a boy is dating, he has usually seen life in different places and with different people. I personally changed yeshivos quite a few times. The girl on the other hand has probably lived at home during her high school years and perhaps lived out of town or in EY for one year.

    This is not enough to be accustomed to change and right before they are getting married- this fear of permanent change sets in. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the age that girls in the frum community are getting married. I’m not talking because of age gaps or because of the shidduchim “crisis”; I’m talking that the girls nowadays are ill prepared for marriage. This I believe is because the girls nowadays are not maturing as fast as they did 25 -30 years ago. So they need more time to grow up before they are ready for marriage. But the frum community will laugh this off

    – A. because you have to keep up with Joneses, & B. because they are in denial and refuse to re-think and challenge this conception of girls being more mature than boys!

    #1063971

    Health
    Participant

    “Nice young men can turn into monsters when it comes to giving a get. For no reason at all they can become very vicious when it comes to giving a get.”

    I’m not per se going to argue the concept of a pre- nup in the frum community, but your statement above is very off. These “nice young men” were never nice and it isn’t “for no reason”.

    People turn vicious for one of two reasons -either they were spoiled as children and really have bad middos, but the girl and her family didn’t see through the fascade before the marriage. Or

    the hubby was abused by his spouse and becoming vicious is his (abnormal) way of revenge!

    #1063972

    aries2756
    Participant

    Health, one thing I agree is that they didn’t see through his disguise before the marriage and that is what young girls fear, the other not so much. That happened to you but that is NOT the norm, it can happen by either spouse and by meddling in-laws and friends. But for whatever reason a couple go the divorce route, if there is no pre-nup in place, whether it is the husband or his very foolish or greedy advisors they can ruin a woman’s life forever. That is something every young woman knows and can be very afraid of.

    #1063973

    walton157
    Member

    @health: This is exactly why there is an organization called Halachic Prenup.

    The frum community must wake up and smell the coffee. Just because someone is frum doesn’t mean he will give his wife a get. I have friends who have been Agunot for 8-12 years. Yes, frum families.

    I just wonder why it took so long for the Orthodox Community to institute such a concept?

    Which rabbi’s/rebbe’s/community leader’s daughter/granddaughter went through this hell before something was done?

    #1063974

    shlishi
    Member

    walton, im not sure why you are taking your screed out against rabbonim, but like earlier mentioned many poskim including rav elyashiv declared the so-called rca halachic prenup can make a future get a ‘get me’usa’ and future children mamzeirim.

    #1063975

    Health
    Participant

    Aries -Before you decide what they are scared of -You say the big bad wolf -and I say scared of change -why don’t you make a poll? Start with your daughters -ask them and any other women that you know what they were scared about and come back here. I don’t believe most are scared of the big bad wolf -I think you are just pushing an agenda of pre-nup.

    #1063976

    yolk
    Member

    composer- what end up happening?? did any advice help you guide her?

    #1063977

    basically everyone is saying the same thing. it is normal to get jittery but if shes terribly scared or has weird fears, she shud talk to someone

    #1063978

    What happened in the end? Please read my post on the other thread.

    Dream Chosson/Kallah… or Settle?

    [below]

    He says butterflies, waking up in a cold-sweat, and anxiety by chassanim and kallahs are very common. They usually hit when making decisions for wedding halls, invitations, or while everyone around is celebrating etc.

    #1063979

    sara imeinu
    Member

    I totally agree with cherrybim

    #1063980

    aries2756
    Participant

    Health, what are you talking about?????

    #1063981

    2cool4school
    Participant

    truth be told, what if i’m feeling this nervousness and anxiety just when going out?

    #1063982

    2cool: #1 Please read the book, including the one page intro. It’s seven chapters, less than 150 pages. A chapter a day and you’ll be done in a week. What is there to lose? There’s all to gain!

    I can try to repeat some of what he says, but I don’t know if it’ll be helpful or the opposite.

    Is it by every person, or only a specific person? Is it on date #1 or only when things get serious?

    #1063983

    2cool4school
    Participant

    its by every date, and every number date! its really getting to be too much for me!

    #1063984

    2cool4school: I’m very sorry you’re going through this. My assumption (or guess) is that you’re a deeply emotional person. Probably very warm, caring and understanding. (These things often go together)

    His book may just help you. Also, I wonder if a very experienced Torah-minded woman has written a book as well.

    He strongly encourages bochurim to be deeply involved in learning while dating. He says, he himself would go directly from a delivering a chaburah (sort of a shiur for his friends) into a date. It left him on a high, and more importantly, he was occupied with other things than his date in the time preceding his date.

    Do you work? Is there a project you can involve yourself in to leave you more relaxed – yet with your full personality – for the date?

    #1063985

    yogibooboo
    Member

    2c4s-i would get nervous also before a date and while on dates too. and yes id even have a panic attack sometimes. its normal. but if its getting outta hand talk to someone. that helps a lot. since you are dating someone that can be a potential it does get very scary! but read that book it does help. but if you want a good humorous book to just get you to laugh about dating, get chanie stein’s book “the survival guide to shidduchim” that also helped because you’d read it and say if everyone can do it so can i. I wanted to write a book about all my disaster and somewhat funny dates. I wrote out the chapters but never finished. but just think like this…you can have another story to tell your friends lol. But on a serious note…talk to someone you are close with and can confide in(a married person!) and that will help tremendously!

    #1063986

    2cool4school
    Participant

    yogi-you seem so calm about it, and nonchalant..i need this to be over with. I want to feel better, and just be excited to go out.

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