Sephardi and Ashkenazi couple
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- This topic has 40 replies, 27 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 1 month ago by oomis.
February 4, 2014 1:55 am at 1:55 am #612042
Hi! I’m an ashkenaz girl and was redt to an awesome sounding sephardi young man. I’m wondering what others think about “mixed couples”. Thanks!February 4, 2014 2:57 am at 2:57 am #1002363chacha5Member
i know about 5 couple that are wife ashkenaz and husband sfardi including one that is related to me!! i dont see any difference in their marrage than any other regular couple! as long as you can change you minhagim. (it also depends on how sfardi he really is)February 4, 2014 3:18 am at 3:18 am #1002364mitzvahgirl613Participant
I think that if you try a date, then you can make the decision based on that date. Bring up your insecurities in a non obvious way and see what his approach is to the topic. If youre uncomfortable about it, then maybe he’s not the one. But i really think you should give him a try first. After all, everyone deserves a chance! Good luck!!February 4, 2014 3:20 am at 3:20 am #1002365bklynmomParticipant
Go for it, in most cases they are warm, caring, sincere and family oriented. Amazing food and hospitality in the sefardic world and respectful to Torah Leadership.February 4, 2014 3:21 am at 3:21 am #1002366akupermaParticipant
Frum Jews divide based on Yiddishkeit rather then “ethnicity.” That’s why almost all gedolim have ancestors from a different groups. There are well established halachos on merging minhagim.February 4, 2014 3:26 am at 3:26 am #1002367
Thank you! Chacha that’s good to hear! Just wondering, do the children have a more ashkenaz or sephardi look? Or is there a mix of both?:)
mitzvahgirl..I agree with you-I already gave him my answer so I guess we’ll see..maybe I’ll keep you posted 🙂February 4, 2014 3:28 am at 3:28 am #1002368
Bklnmom I couldn’t agree with you more. He sounds so special, a real self-made man (He became more to the right). I know two people who went out with him and a married friend had him for a shabbos meal. It’s nice to meet growth oriented, ‘spiritual’ individuals.February 4, 2014 3:34 am at 3:34 am #1002369Bookworm120Participant
What I think? Hatzlacha rabbah!
From what I understand, a wife accepts the minhag of her husband when she marries. If you’re comfortable with that, that’s your decision to make.February 4, 2014 3:38 am at 3:38 am #1002370charliehallParticipant
I know lots of “mixed” couples like that. In every case the Ashkenazic partner has gotten to love the more flavorful Sefardic food!February 4, 2014 10:33 pm at 10:33 pm #1002371nfgo3Member
In her third post, keepingbusy613 writes, in part: “I know two people who went out with him and a married friend had him for a shabbos meal.”
Yes, sephardim are known for their excellent taste. I just hope the married friend left enough of him for you to marry.February 4, 2014 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #1002372King19Member
I am a son of such a “mix”. 2 of my siblings have done the same. Sefardim are majority good hearted people who keep their mesorah. Go for it.February 4, 2014 11:10 pm at 11:10 pm #1002373
Thank you everyone! I know I’m totally jumping the gun but just thinking..if it would work out what my kids would look like…maybe they’d have his dark skin and my green eyes (best combo!) lolFebruary 5, 2014 12:18 am at 12:18 am #1002375Charles ShortMember
I thought there was prohibition on intermarriage outside the land?February 5, 2014 12:32 am at 12:32 am #1002376wallflowerParticipant
Should you marry someone whose only personal characteristic is that he is Sephardi?
Should you marry someone who is caring, refined, intelligent, has a moreh derech, etc., and is Sephardi?
Do the same thing you would do for an Ashkenazi prospect. Look into it, go out, and see what happens.
Ethnicity, frankly, should have nothing to do with it.February 5, 2014 2:28 pm at 2:28 pm #1002383☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Ethnicity, frankly, should have nothing to do with it.
That’s true, but cultural differences can be very important, and I’m not talking about kibbe and hamin.
There are different expectations from marriage between different cultural groups, even among frum Yidden. I think, for example, that Litvish should tread carefully when considering marrying Chassidish. Not that it’s ch’v wrong, or shouldn’t be done, just that you need to really look into it well before going out.
You said he’s Sefardi, but that’s also very general; there are different cultures even among different groups which are referred to as Sefardim.
As a silly example, the CR seems to be on the topic of taking out the garbage. If the man grew up in a home where it was only done by women, and she grew up in a hone where it was only done by men, they’re going to have different expectations as to who will take out the garbage.
More importantly, in their homes, there may have been different ways of showing mutual respect, which can lead to serious misunderstanding.
I don’t think any of this is my own chiddush, I think this is what the gemara means when it recommends marrying someone from the same town.
I’m not referring to the OP, hopefully it’s been ascertained that this won’t be an issue in this case, however I think the point should be made.
To reiterate, I’m not saying such marriages can’t and don’t work, I just think that both parties need to understand where each other is coming from, and make sure that they’re on the same wavelength.February 5, 2014 3:27 pm at 3:27 pm #1002384popa_bar_abbaParticipant
DY: Your post does not make one word of sense. Isn’t it obvious that the person who made the garbage should take it out?
The same way the person who made the kids changes the diapers and feeds them?February 5, 2014 4:04 pm at 4:04 pm #1002385☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Popa, can I marry your daughter?February 5, 2014 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #1002386yehudayonaParticipant
Popa, it takes a father and a mother to make a kid, so each parent can tell the other one to change the diapers and feed the kid. I don’t think the third partner normally does such chores.February 5, 2014 4:52 pm at 4:52 pm #1002387squeakParticipant
The gemara explains which parts of the child come from the father vs the mother. The diaper changing is all hers.February 5, 2014 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #1002388mms601Participant
As long as the family hanhaga is the same. For example, Yeshivish Sefardi can marry Yeshivish Ashkenazi, Chasidish Sefardi can marry Chasidish Ashkenazi, Seryian Sefardi can marry Syrian Ashkenazi, etc. Minhagim and blood lineage barely matter. A very bad shiduch would be a boy from a very yeshivish low profile family, marrying into a fancy rich baalbatish girl. Even if they have the exact same same minhagim, great grandparents, father’s were chavrusos in the mir 25 years ago.February 5, 2014 5:19 pm at 5:19 pm #1002389RedlegParticipant
Sorry, KB613, brown eyes and dark complexion are dominant traits.February 5, 2014 5:55 pm at 5:55 pm #1002390apushatayidParticipant
not sure about your situation, but my mouth is salivating at the thought of kibbe and ptcha at the same shmorg.February 5, 2014 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #1002391
apushatayid-If it works out, Ill invite you for the shmorg 🙂
Wallflower-soo true! We went out he has pretty nice Middos. Just like Bklnmom said, he does, at least from one meeting, fit the bill of being “… warm, caring, sincere and family oriented”.February 5, 2014 6:49 pm at 6:49 pm #1002392Torah613TorahParticipant
Kb613, I’m glad it went so well. BTW I know several mixed couples (and one completely Sephardic on both sides) where the kids have blue eyes, so there must be some shared genes. It’s more common among Egyptian Sephardim, though.
Here are some questions that you can discuss on a date that will help you understand the cultural differences:
(honestly, these are important to discuss no matter who you date.)
1. Do you share responsibility for household chores, or are they primarily that of the wife?
2. What is his opinion of corporal punishment, for kids.
3. Is he going to be the breadwinner? If you both work, are you both going to be equal partners? Is he okay with you having a separate bank account, if you wanted one? Does he think women should know what is going on with the finances?
4. If you have career goals, does he think they should be encouraged, or is he just okay with it? And are you okay with that.
Hatzlacha!February 6, 2014 12:38 am at 12:38 am #1002393
For the record. As an ashkenaz married to a Sephardi.
5 of our 6 kids have blue eyes
So much for dominant genes.February 6, 2014 1:23 am at 1:23 am #1002394golferParticipant
Torah613, “not to scare you, just something to keep in mind”?
Definitely NOT something to keep in mind. I have no idea what point you were trying to make. Anecdotal evidence of the sort you presented only obfuscates and proves nothing. Personally, I happen to know a few Ashkenaz-Sephard couples, and all their children are perfectly fine and well. Which also proves nothing.
Charles Short’s point is an interesting one to keep in mind.
That’s nice, Momofsix!
Just for the record, dark eyes are dominant, but 2 recessives will give you a blue-eyed baby. Your dark-eyed husband must have a “blue-eyes” recessive gene, that was waiting for you to come along.
Just wondering- there used to be a poster around these parts called Momof4. Was that you before you had your 2 youngest?February 6, 2014 4:28 am at 4:28 am #1002395Binyamin2711Participant
There will major nafka minas as if u marry a sfardi ur children are all going to Ateret Torah and u will beesem urself become sefardi not from yichus but because u cant possibly be ashkenaz in ur husband is sfardi but lemaasah if u do hatatas nedarim you will be fine Hatzlocha in finding ur zivugFebruary 6, 2014 4:31 am at 4:31 am #1002396Binyamin2711Participant
but sof davar is that u will be able to build a bayis neaman beyirael and prove one concept that needs chizuk is that its not enough to since acheinu but actualy feed that all klal yisroel are bayachad and all brothers.February 6, 2014 7:20 am at 7:20 am #1002397oyyoyyoyParticipant
great idea, but i would advise to go out more than most people usually doFebruary 6, 2014 12:23 pm at 12:23 pm #1002398
Golfer: no I did not post as momof4February 6, 2014 12:28 pm at 12:28 pm #1002399
So as far as the op is concerned. I’m been in this “mixed” marraige over twenty years.
I can say that the differences in minhag are something to get used to. But the warmth and deep dedication to family are some things that I feel I didn’t have before and I love it. I was young when we got married so the changes were easier to make. I didn’t feel “set” in my ashkenaz ways.February 6, 2014 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm #1002400anothermotherParticipant
Pro: Kitniyos! Con: only tichels 🙁 In all seriousness, I’m bh doing well in my “mixed” marriage. One of our kids even has blue eyes. There were definitely some cultural adjustments, but honestly, we’re both very young, so we were able to adjust rather easily. It was hard to give up my little girl dreams of picking out a sheital with my mom, but I’m over it by now.February 6, 2014 4:05 pm at 4:05 pm #1002401
I guess it just depends. I wear a Shaitel. And we do eat kitnios on Pesach but not rice.February 6, 2014 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #1002402flatbusherParticipant
I agree that cultural differences can be an issue. As long as you have both eyes open and know what is important to you and how comfortable you are with making major changes in your life that come with getting married, which in itself is a major change. Personally, I prefer to stick with people whose backgrounds are similar to mine; it makes adjustment to married life that much easier.
My question to the person who started this thread: What is it about this young man that makes you think he is right for you? Are you partly intrigued by his background? Some people davka look for someone different. And remember whatever you hear about or read on paper doesn’t always translate to reality. Hatzlacha.February 6, 2014 7:13 pm at 7:13 pm #1002403
Momofsix and anothermother: Not that I’m naive, but if you have a few minutes, can you discuss the difference in minhagim that youre most referring to and the ones that took the most time to “get used to”. In terms of sheitels, I’ve heard that he knows if hes dating an ashkenaz girl, he understands she’d wear one. (Although he may not be so pro it, he is okay with it. But if we go out more, that’s something I would definitely want to hear his opinion about firsthand).
Flatbusher-what “intrigues” me is not his background at all. It’s more who he is and what he stands for; his background is a more ‘by the way’ type of fact. Hes been in ashkenaz yeshivas for all his years post high school..idk I guess this will just be the type of situation where I have to fell it out and hear more about it from him..February 6, 2014 11:50 pm at 11:50 pm #1002404
I can only speak for myself. Wig was never an issue. His mother and sisters wear wigs. One of the big changes was nusach. Davening is different. Benching is different. My first rosh hashana as a married woman was crazy!!! It took me five years to get used to all that. I still can’t bentch by heart because I mix it up.
Speaking Hebrew words with the right sound taf instead of saf. I still feel like a bit of a faker wen I say “Shabbat”
I love the new foods and luckily my mother in law taught me how to cook.
Cholent is different as night and day. Get used to cumin and olives.
You should never know from it but they eat in a house of shiva and Ashkenazim specifically don’t
No shalom Zachor before a milah. But the Zohar is very nice and if done right.. Very mystical. A henna is an awesome custom as well…
I feel like the luckiest person that I got to marry into the warm loving community.February 6, 2014 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm #1002405
Oh!!! And I forgot to mention the whole naming after the grandparents that are alive.
That was very strange as well but now that I understand it I am fine with that and hope my kids name for me as well…February 7, 2014 3:03 am at 3:03 am #1002406Gryffindorable GirlMember
Can everyone just note that you can’t just say someone is “Sephardi” like you say someone is Ashkenaz. In my experience (and personal opinion, plz don’t take offense) Ashkenaz by and large are very culturally similar. But there are lots of different types of Sephardi (to be more accurate, a lot of the groups that are considered Sephardi are actually “mizrachi”, but I digress) and they are all very different. Syrians are not Persians who are not Moroccans who are not Egyptians who are not Bukharian…..
There may be a lot of similarities, but I find that there’s just as much (or more!) differences.February 7, 2014 3:57 am at 3:57 am #1002407
True. I speak from a Moroccan perspective.February 7, 2014 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #1002408oomisParticipant
not sure about your situation, but my mouth is salivating at the thought of kibbe and ptcha at the same shmorg”
That sentence was fine, until you mentioned the p’tcha.February 7, 2014 8:58 pm at 8:58 pm #1002409oomisParticipant
Everyone is different. Some sefardi/ashkenazi relationships works great. Some do not. Some sefardi/sefardi and ashkenazi/ashkenazi relationships work out great and some do not. There is not a real rule about this. It would be naive to say that cultural differences don’t matter. Sometimes they do, and sometimes the differences are very challenging. But many people have made a success of these “mixed” marriages.
I would say check into the family; see how the father treats the mother(VERY important), how the siblings interact, what the dynamic is. If it is a warm, loving environment, then the rest can be discussed on dates.
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