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Crazy Baal Teshuva problem. My father (A”H) was niftar two years ago. Now my mother is dating a non-Jew. She keeps a kosher home and is very respectful of my family’s Yiddishkeit, but she is not religious. She is nearing 70, lives in another state and is lonely. She says that she has no interest in marriage.
What, if anything, is my halachic obligation? She is aware of our displeasure.
Thanks for your thoughts.
speak to aish hatora or hineni on how to proceed. they have dealt with these things many times and can guide you in your unique case. hatzlacha
“She is aware of our displeasure”
Is she aware of your love for her?
YehudahTzvi: What do she lose by living with a non-Jew? I would say leave her be.
How exactly is this a BT problem?
Hi YehudahTzvi.
I sympathize with your situation.
Your mom is likely very vulnerable and the need for companionship has made her rationalize that she can manage a companionship with a non-Jew.
I dont know what you can do, but I can only suggest an approach that I recently heard.
This past Motzei Shabbos, in Lakewood, I went to hear Rabbi Avraham Twerski who was speaking for Project Extreme.
Although this is not your situation, as Project Extreme works with teens who go OTD and get involved with everything that gentile teens can get involved in, Rabbi Twerski’s outlook may help here.
Rabbi Twerski spoke, in part, about having a friendly rapport with these individuals, sharing the Torah outlook along with friendly concern, as well as inviting to share in mitzvos. It seems, the teens, too, were looking for companionship first, and would go to where they found it, no matter the cost.
I have to tell you, that being a btguy, in all mixed relationships, no matter how much the non-Jew says they admire or are interested in our Judaism, sooner or later, once the sugar-coated, infatuation stage ends, it always becomes an issue – to them.
In other words, I think this may resolve itself anyway.
I wish you and your mom mitzvos, happiness, and haztlacha!!
It is an understandable problem, but keep involved with letting her know what seems good now, may not end up that way, and she should avoid that before getting too involved.
Hi YT: First, I’m sorry to hear about your father’s passing. Secondly, concerning your mother; Does she have siblings? What do they think about this recent development? Does your mother think that this is what your father (A”H) wanted after his passing? Thirdly, What of this non-Jewish friend? Does he show an interest in Yiddishkeit? Do you think he would want to convert? What about your children? Did/Can they express their feelings about this?
Never put your love for your mother under any conditions.
If your mother does marry this man, Still love your mother and respect your Step-Father (In Your mothers honor)
That’s a difficult situation. Good point – maybe additional time spent with your mother can help. Of course, daven.
Not to pasken at all, but food for thought; please do not take this advice without asking a rov if you should say it to your mother. But – perhaps if your mother discontinues such a friendship, it will be a zechus for your refuah shelaimah. Maybe that can motivate her?
Hatzlocha and besuros tovos.
The mods didn’t let my detailed Halachic explanation through, but you should ask a Shaila what Issur there is in what your mother is doing. I have a feeling the answer will surprise you.
YehudahTzvi: What do she lose by living with a non-Jew?
You can’t be serious – issur every time!
DaasYochid: What Issur? And judging by her age, I’m not so sure that the problem you’re thinking of exists.
You can’t be serious – issur every time!
That assumes they are doing the act that is assur. Bad assumption at the age 70.
Some say kanaim pogim bo applies to a jewish woman with a non-jewish man as well. However given the woman’s age, that’s probably not an issue. Kibud av v’aim does not apply to a non-religious parent. Explain to her that she’s hurting herself spiritually. She might actually listen to you if you can explain that concept well.
DaasYochid: What Issur? And judging by her age, I’m not so sure that the problem you’re thinking of exists.
You guessed right, and you’re likely wrong.
Sam2, you got it wrong. A Bas Yisroel is forbidden to be with a Goy either through marriage or out of wedlock(and then it is also a mechuar ha’dovar in additon to the issur).
with all due respect to two respectable posters, I have a strong feeling this is NOT a conversation we want to have here, even in code, insinuation or innuendo. Thanks.
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