Shidduch crisis affecting bochurim

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  • #1603269

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    You say it can’t be THAT dangerous. Um are you just saying that because you feel like that or because you have read studies and show it doesn’t affect your health negatively.

    Also I’m in shidduchim and I always get told by everyone that you don’t marry someone based on the fact that they “want to change” or “might change”.

    Also it’s not just the smell, (which who WANTS to get used to?) it’s also the danger of second hand smoke. I wouldn’t want that around my young children. Do you know based on studies in Israel they just banned smoking in playgroups and pre-schools etc, even AFTER school hours. Because the smoke and it’s dangerous affects can linger there for up to 10 years!

    Look I cannot control the world and my kids will probably be exposed to smoke, but not on an every day basis in their own home, yard, porch, and car!

    #1603293

    happyboy123
    Participant

    Shopping613 as a girl in shiduchim would you turn down a boy who is trying to quit IE going from 1 pack a day to only 1 a day
    Don’t people working on themselves have any value to you
    It’s girls like you who are extreme about smokers that are causing this crisis
    As an older bachur in shiducim and a x heavy smoker makes shiduchim very difficult
    what can someone like me do quit cold turkey it won’t help. as shadchanim have told me once you have a name of a heavy smoker even quitting won’t help
    We need to remove this stigma like all the other unnecessary stigmas
    Shopping613 what would you do if after you got married he became a smoker. Would you divorce him CV

    #1603287

    BoysWork
    Participant

    @happyboy123: I have just read thru your multiple comments defending smoking. I am sorry to this, but you are a fool. You remind of people who stand near others puffing away with absolutely no consideration that the stink is bothering them. As far as gedolim smoking, that has changed too. As someone old enough to (almost) be your grandfather, I can tell you that many years ago it was fashionable to smoke. Today it is proven that it is dangerous. Have you seen the suffering that people go thru when they get lung cancer? I have and it’s not pretty.
    And yet, you have the audacity to say “maybe she can get used to the smell?” Why should she? It gets into everything. It is very sad that roshei yeshivos have not banned smoking. They have no problem banning everything else, so to me, this is a major fault of theirs.
    Be smart, quit now. Every girl has a right to say no to a boy who smokes. And every boy has a right to reject a girl who smokes.
    Good luck!

    @shopping613: Good luck to you too. Hope you find your earner/learner soon. You know what an earner/learner is? Its someone that doesnt learn half a day and doesnt work half a day 🙂 🙂

    #1603854

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Yes I’m interested in a learner or learner/earner.

    Look if he is working on himself than that’s another story, but only if he has the goal of stopping and it actually trying to get there and seeing people, going to meetings and stuff to stop his addiction.

    You may think “Oh, it’s just smoking” but in reality it’s an addiction, an escapism that needs help. I’d look at it in the same way as someone with a smartphone.

    #1603869

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Smoking makes people unattractive, irritable and unhealthy. It negatively affects offspring. Why would anyone want to marry a smoker? It’s just as hard to settle for an unattractive, irritable and unhealthy spouse as it is to quit smoking.

    #1603888

    unommin
    Participant

    “Large meteor expected to hit Earth and kill all humanoid life; women and children hardest hit”

    Nu.

    #1604003

    happyboy123
    Participant

    So like I said from all you’re posts if you would only look away on something small like smoking there wouldn’t be a shidduch crisis since there are top boys and great ones who smoke a little or x heavy smokers who girls are turning down
    I guess it’s better to stay single then to be married to a smoker

    #1604086

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    I think it’s better to have emunah Hashem will send me someone physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.

    #1604143

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Smokers should just marry other smokers.

    #1604138

    happyboy123
    Participant

    @shopping613 why not have emuna that your husband will remain a healthy person even if he is smoking instead of remaining single

    #1604176

    Talmidchochom
    Participant

    Can I request some intelligent input on this dire subject matter?

    #1604191

    unommin
    Participant

    Follow the money. Who benefits from not allowing boys to call girls directly, and properly demonstrate that they’re capable of taking care of the girl as a wife and building a nest to raise a family. Who benefits from the insanity of the regulation upon regulation that now has “competent adults” making all of the (not only introductions, but) arranging the specific details of each DATE for the lovely incompetent couple?! Follow the money.

    #1604190

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Emuna doesn’t mean ignoring risks and believing that doing something dangerous won’t result in injury.

    #1604195

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    happyboy123: You need to do hishtadlus. Hishtadlus isn’t putting your health in danger and relying on a miracle to save it. Like I said, if a boy was interested in changing his health that would be another story.

    I know this is a sensitive subject for you, and therefore you are in denial about the negative health effects this will have on you and everyone in your vicinity. If you don’t even think that there’s a problem with this than davka you are someone I wouldn’t even think about dating. Iv’e been out with quite a few boys and I’ve met people who do things that are bad for their spiritual health, physical health, etc. No one is perfect. But someone who doesn’t want to change… that’s a problem. Someone who won’t even admit it’s an issue?! That’s even worse! I went out with someone once who told me he was watching things he shouldn’t. That didn’t bother me as much as the fact that he was so nonchalant about it and didn’t follow up the sentence with. “I want to stop” or even “I know it’s wrong”. The latter, not even admitting there was an issue with what he watching is what made me say no.

    #1604189

    happyboy123
    Participant

    There is no intelligence in remaining single
    what to the גמ׳ of טב למסיב טן דו מלמסיב ארמלה

    #1604266

    Takes2-2tango
    Participant

    Its quite ironic that these boys who are complaining about girls who wont give a smoker a chance but will never consider a shidduch with out first going through dor yesharim. Hypocrisy at its best!

    #1604276

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    Its sometimes hard to tell the difference between trolling and mamash gross stupidity. Its beyond doubt that smoking regularly (one pack a week or multiple packs a week) will more likely than not shorten your life and make the final years of your life miserable and painful for both you and your loved ones. Any idiot who is in denial about this with all the information available today and still questions why a bochur would not consider a girl who is a smoker (or vice versa) notwithstanding other midos she/he may have is clearly posting for the sake of eliciting responses. Its not funny having personally seen the horrible deaths resulting from smoking/ung cancer.

    #1604288

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    If getting married is important enough that one should overlook smoking, it is important enough that one should quit smoking to get married.

    #1604282

    Talmidchochom
    Participant

    Unommin,

    You are right on the money. I Have not heard a better comment yet on the shidduch crisis.

    #1604519

    Its quite ironic that these boys who are complaining about girls who wont give a smoker a chance but will never consider a shidduch with out first going through dor yesharim. Hypocrisy at its best!

    Yep, smoking and risking children with Tay-Sachs are totally equivalent.
    (That was sarcastic, in case anyone couldn’t tell.)

    (By the way, Happy, I think that Gemara’s talking about how women feel, not giving us advice.)

    #1604518

    Follow the money. Who benefits from not allowing boys to call girls directly, and properly demonstrate that they’re capable of taking care of the girl as a wife and building a nest to raise a family. Who benefits from the insanity of the regulation upon regulation that now has “competent adults” making all of the (not only introductions, but) arranging the specific details of each DATE for the lovely incompetent couple?! Follow the money.

    Shadchonim did not create the idea that boys and girls should not be in direct contact;
    insistence on the use of shadchonim is not due to shadchonim lobbying our legislature.
    (As far as I know, shadchonim don’t arrange the details of dates.)

    #1604844

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Smoking can cause SIDS, and marrying someone without checking compatibility doesn’t mean that they will both be carriers.

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