Shidduchim: A Morbid Interest In Other's Affairs

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    Here’s a new thought I recently had. I like it.

    I think that we use shidduchim as an excuse to engage in all sorts of bad middos like gossiping and prying into other’s business.

    Under the label of shadchan, it is suddenly permissible to gossip about who is dating whom, and who is starting to date, and what Reuven is planning on doing, and is Leah fat, and is Shimon a good learner, and is Rivka frum.

    It is considered fine to ask unwanted personal questions to a total stranger under the guise of wanting to set her up.

    Now, I am not saying that this is not sometimes warranted, I am simply making two points.

    A. I perceive that much of what goes on is pure gossip, not every officious inter-meddler is really making shidduchim, and not every neighbor has to know the latest in everyone’s love life.

    B. Maybe even legitimate shadchanim should be a little more respectful, maybe they should only get involved when requested to.


    Just for the record, I called it a “morbid” interest.


    yes people need to be more erlich and careful in Hilchos LashonHorah.

    there is certainly a great danger in the process of investigating Shidduchim.


    What I think would help solve this problem, is if info was only given to people you meet face to face. When someone is reduced to an 8×11 sheet of data, then its only the “data” that is being assaulted. Where the shadchanim to meet the girl and boy face to face, then you would be dealing with “people” and not data. While people may not think twice about treating data with disregard, they might be less likley to do so with someone they “know”


    it all boils down to ga’avah.if you don’t think you’re better just because you’re on the giving/doing end,you will automatically treat everyone you deal with respectfully.i was zoche to bring many couples together and i feel THE RESPECT FACTOR played a role.


    IMHO; Even in face to face confrontations (I call it that), no one should answer highly personal and intrusive questions by a stranger, especially if unsolicited. A decent person, if they have a serious proposal of a prospective shidduch, will approach the interested parties in a discreet manner and will solicit information that is of a general nature and not highly personal. Someone who is by nature a gossip and will label themselves “Shadchan” just for the purpose of eliciting information and spilling it all over the neighborhood will lose their credibility very fast.



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