Shidduchim Tips

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  • #642703

    JayMatt19
    Participant

    How many of those are winter friendly?

    Spring is in the air! Hopefully everyone will be married by the fall 🙂

    That is nice way of saying “none”

    Lets face it, for a couple dating at night in the winter, a lobby can be an attractive option (might not be many other options!)

    #642704

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    That is nice way of saying “none”

    I’m the odd one out, but I love winter walking around outside. Nothing like a cold, sunny day to clear your mind!

    Actually, Bear Mountain has a really nice lodge. Its “lobby-like” without being exactly that. I know they closed for renovations, but I dont know when they reopen.

    Like I said, if I thought everyone would find certain museums kosher, I would list them. I’m trying to stay neutral here to get a general list. Feel free to add winter activities to the list.

    #642705

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    i got this email a while back, i thought it would fit better in this thread, than thw funny shidduch date stories:

    I used to snort whenever I heard of parents interviewing a perspective daughter-in-law before permitting her to see their son. Pre-date dating, anyone? After all, why drag Moishelah away from his Gemara to meet a potential wife when you can meet and decide for him?

    #642706

    JayMatt19
    Participant

    More Tips:

    11. Date yourself first. Make a cheshbon as to what type of people/qualities bring out your good side and make you better. Make sure you can do this to the point that you will be capable of getting engaged to the 1st person you date. It burns me when people say no to their 1st, solely because it is their 1st and they don’t know what else is out there.

    12. Unless something you realize something is totally awry, you should go on a 2nd date.

    13. Yes looks are important. Yes, if you think all redheads are ugly, you can tell a shaddchan “no redheads”. But beauty is skin deep. There are plenty of happly married people who did not find their spouse attractive initially. (Ask your Rov or Mentor when to stop dating someone you don’t find attractive)

    14. Beware of Shochad!! Shochad (bribe) comes in many different forms (e.g. looks, money, yeechus, the other person likes you). Make sure your Rov or mentor can help you navigate when you are blind (hashochad y’aaver…)

    15. Look at the other person’s potential as well (are you on the same path, at the same pace?). Remember you are not marrying a finished product (and if they view themselves as a finished product…RUN)

    16. NEVER TAKE A SHADDCHAN’S WORD ON FACE VALUE (view them as a salesman, remember there is shochad for the shadchan as well (yes, I say this to people who we set up as well).

    17. Chazal say that there should be mechus darga (i.e. that the husband wants to be looked up to by his wife, and that the wife wants to look up to her husband.) This can be accomplished many different ways (e.g. smarts, age, money…) but it should be accomplished

    18. Remember that this is going to be one of the most influential people in your kids life. Their middos (good and bad) will be emulated by them.

    19. Daven, Daven, Daven. Daven that it go quickly, easily and clearly!

    Hatzlacha

    #642707

    JayMatt19
    Participant

    Like I said, if I thought everyone would find certain museums kosher, I would list them. I’m trying to stay neutral here to get a general list.

    Museums are not practical for a 7pm date. They close too soon (if they are open at all!)

    #642708

    oomis
    Participant

    The top of the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Planetarium, indoor large arcade, are all interesting places to go. For Cholov Stam people, there are kosher ice cream parlors, if a full dinner is not quite right, yet. For people on a second or third date, Burtolucci’s milchig restaurant often has a weeknight where there is entertainment (I think on Wednesday). Anything is better than sitting in a hotel bar. And for people who are so conscious about treifeneh “goyishe” music, I am shocked that they would deliberately spend hours in a place that plays that stuff all night long. Or maybe, no one ever considered that issue to appear a little strange.

    #642709

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    JayMatt- everything you said on this topic was excellent. Shkoyach Reb Noyach

    #642710

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Top of the Rock (rockefeller center) is open until midnight. Nice views of Manhattan and good place to talk.

    #642711

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    JayMatt19: great points!!!

    #642712

    myshadow
    Member

    lol asdf funny!

    Jaymatt, “12. Unless something you realize something is totally awry, you should go on a 2nd date.”

    I once went on a date with a guy and there was absolutely zero chemistry, conversation was ok but I an hr into the date I felt like it was a waste of time. I was gona agree to a second date stam because I didn’t know what to say but when I told the shadchan what my problem was she cracked up and said the boy said the exact same thing! So we both saved ourselves an unneccessary second date!

    #642713

    oomis
    Participant

    “15. Look at the other person’s potential as well (are you on the same path, at the same pace?). Remember you are not marrying a finished product (and if they view themselves as a finished product…RUN)”

    This statement reminded me of a joke. it is said that a man is not complete until he has taken a wife. Then… he’s really finished!

    #642714

    JayMatt19
    Participant

    I once heard a variation to that.

    A single guy doesn’t know true happiness until he is married…and then it’s too late

    #642715

    dunno
    Member

    JayMatt19: excellent tips. Thanks

    #642716

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    asfd-LOl- although it unfortunatley sounds familiar!

    myshadow

    -I have never played a bored game-although on some dates I wish I had-I have friends who have

    JayMatt19-Couldn’t have said it better-if only more people would take your points to heart!

    #642717

    Curious
    Member

    To add some indoor stuff –

    Liberty Science Center

    Jewish Heritage Museum in Battery Park

    New Roc City

    Barnes and Noble

    Ripley’s Believe It or Not

    #642718

    beacon
    Participant

    Madame Tussaud’s

    ESPN Zone

    #642719

    Joseph
    Participant

    To backtrack a bit, someone mentioned that the guys have a “list” of a dozen or more at the same time, while the girl is lucky to have one. How does the math work out on this? The population is approximately 50/50, and even given a slight proportion of more girls and the factor they date younger (outside of Chasidisha shidduchim) how can the variation be so great (a dozen to one)? Something doesn’t add up in this assumption.

    #642720

    mosherose
    Member

    “Planetarium”

    Is it appropriate to go to a please where kefira is so evident and open?

    How about the Brooklyn Botanical Garden or the Bronx Zoo when the weather is nicer. Or a nice walk over the Brooklyn Bridge.

    #642721

    JayMatt19
    Participant

    >>To backtrack a bit, someone mentioned that the guys have a “list” of a dozen or more at the same time, while the girl is lucky to have one. How does the math work out on this? The population is approximately 50/50, and even given a slight proportion of more girls and the factor they date younger (outside of Chasidisha shidduchim) how can the variation be so great (a dozen to one)? Something doesn’t add up in this assumption. <<

    Cue the line “Because there are so many good girls and so few good guys”

    Man, that one gets me everytime

    #642722

    Jaymatt: wow nicee answer!!! And its sadly true!

    #642723

    myshadow
    Member

    Joseph, “To backtrack a bit, someone mentioned that the guys have a “list” of a dozen or more at the same time, while the girl is lucky to have one. How does the math work out on this? The population is approximately 50/50, and even given a slight proportion of more girls and the factor they date younger (outside of Chasidisha shidduchim) how can the variation be so great (a dozen to one)? Something doesn’t add up in this assumption.”

    Unfortunately it’s very true, lucky for my parents after me they have two boys!!

    Jaymatt “Because there are so many good girls and so few good guys”

    Totally true

    #642724

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    If I remember statistisc correctly, its not actually 50/50, but more like 51/49 (which isnt that large of a difference, but a difference nonetheless).

    Also, a guy is redt to girls from his age down – I know of plenty of 26 year olds who get redt to 18-19 year olds. So theoretically, a guy has about an 8 year span.

    A girl on the other hand, generally gets set up with those older than her. So, if she is 23, she cannot go out with anyone 18-22. As she gets older, more and more guys her age and up are married, so the problem gets exacerbated as her pool shrinks. A guy the same age has just expanded his pool as he aged…

    #642725

    moish01
    Member

    there are actually more boys born each year than girls. i think it’s somewhere between 105 and 107 boys to 100 girls each year.

    #642726

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Moish, I think thats birth rate and not survival rate? I might be wrong though.

    #642727

    moish01
    Member

    could be. but i remember reading somewhere that there are still more boys that girls.

    #642728

    myshadow
    Member

    SJS you summed it up perfectly

    #642729

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    >> JayMatt- Cue the line “Because there are so many good girls and so few good guys”<<

    know why? cuz it’s much harder to be a good boy than a good girl (and this is not just coming from me)

    #642730

    moish01
    Member

    areivim, is it? i know plenty of girls who have a hard time.

    #642731

    LAer
    Member

    SJS,

    Top of the Rock is nice, but a little hard to navigate. The Marriott Marquis has a revolving lounge on top that also offers beautiful views (especially on clear nights) and a nice place to get drinks and talk – not your typical hotel lobby! Miniature golf is a pretty neutral dating place – outdoors, not just sitting around but still having time to talk, a chance to see your date’s competitive side…

    On another note, why is everyone suggesting places only in New York?! For LA daters, try the LA Arboretum (Pasadena), the Santa Monica Pier (check out Shutters and Casa Del Mar hotels), Universal CityWalk (not exactly for some yeshivish couples, but a lot of fun), a drive through Beverly Hills or up Pacific Coast Highway, Hollywood Boulevard (Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum, the wax museum), or Exposition Park (Museum of Flying, Natural History Museum, Science Center, IMAX, etc.). From Lakewood, try Seaside Heights in the fall or spring when it’s not crazy busy but still fun and nice weather, or drive a little further and go to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania (beautiful water fountain light show on summer nights). In Baltimore, try duckpin bowling (ask the girl before going regular bowling – but duckpin is less of a problem with tznius) go to the harbor, check out the museums, Ride the Ducks and ESPN Zone.

    Good luck!

    #642732

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    moish- I never said being good is easy for either gender

    #642735

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Moish, I definitely think certain taavos are much harder for a guy than a girl. Especially in the teenage years. There is a reason that (at least it seems to me, and from my basic experience) that more guys experiment outside of Torah Judaism than girls do.

    #642736

    myshadow
    Member

    I’m not sure why it is, but I think it’s easier for a guy to go off than a girl but harder for a girl to come back on

    #642737

    I agree with you myshadow.

    #642738

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    moish- certain taavos are way stronger for men (per the Torah)….

    and- women are not michuyuv in mitzvos sh’hazman grumma. Also, many “let loose” things are acceptable for a girls to do, but not for a boy (considered bitul torah)

    and- sitting and learning all day vs. in school 9-4:30 (half of it being english- a joke) and free time after that….

    ok- so all the girls in the CR will respond as follows:

    there are like tons and tons of stuff y’know that boys get away with but like are totally not tzniyusdig for a girl and like we have so many responsibilities in the home and so much is expected of us…. and we need to hold down a job, raise children, run the home…

    This is all very true and I’m not making light of it. Like I said- it aint easy being ‘good'(for either gender). Just a little harder to be considered “a top boy” than being considered a “top girl”.

    #642739

    moish01
    Member

    myshadow, i know why but i can’t post it here…

    plus, there are plenty of rabbis who lived it up when they were younger. for come reason i don’t get the feeling there are too many rebbetzins like that.

    SJSinNYC, there are plenty of girls. they’re just more scared to let you know. guys don’t hide it as much (the reason is probably in the first line of my post)

    #642740

    myshadow
    Member

    I’m not sure which one is better guess it’s hard both ways

    #642741

    JayMatt19
    Participant

    when I said “cue the line…” i was saying the quote tongue in cheek. though not shocked

    (1) people thought I was serious and (2) people agreed with the statement

    #642742

    myshadow
    Member

    I hear that

    #642743

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    JayMatt- i know, but of course I had to agree

    moish- my mother has a friend that was a horror teen and is now married to a very chashuve man, rav of a shul, and that makes her- rebbetzin of the shul

    #642744

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    SJSinNYC, there are plenty of girls. they’re just more scared to let you know. guys don’t hide it as much (the reason is probably in the first line of my post)

    From my experience when I was a teenager (which wasnt that long ago), there were so many boys who were experimenting. While there were plenty of girls, it was not as rampant as the boys. Anecdotal evidence? Sure. And I totally could be wrong.

    I also think the difference is that most girls draw the line easier than guys Edited by YW Moderator-25 . So I would say as a general rule, the guys go deeper into experimentation than the girls do.

    I agree with quite a bit of what areivim said also.

    #642745

    moish01
    Member

    i said i get the feeling that there aren’t too many. maybe i’m wrong, but you never hear the girls talking about rebbetzins or anything. sometimes they mention rabbis (no too often) but we talk about yeshiva guys and rabbis all the time. (not me per se, but some of the others do)

    #642746

    myshadow
    Member

    SJS not necessarily many girls unfortunately don’t know where to cross the line but they keep it to themselves

    #642747

    moish01
    Member

    I also think the difference is that most girls draw the line easier than guys Edited by YW Moderator-25 . So I would say as a general rule, the guys go deeper into experimentation than the girls do.

    NOT true! at all. girls don’t draw any lines – not the ones i know. they’re suckers for attention (sorry, girls!) and will do anything if you just call them back or take them out alone. they pretend to be all frum in the beginning, but that doesn’t last too long. and they’re not forced into anything – it’s what they want.

    #642748

    you know why its easier to be a good girl? bec a good girl just has to be nice and have good middos and a good boy (depending on his circles-dont attack me e/o) has to be shtark and sit in front of a gemorah all day and have great chavrusahs and w/ a boy he cant be just a good boy he has to be a top boy!!

    #642749

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    indeed coke- on the money

    #642750

    moish01
    Member

    yeh coke i must say i gotta agree with you.

    #642751

    an open book
    Participant

    wow this thread has gone from a topic i know close to nothing about to s/t i know absolutely zero about. but im being enlightened.

    #642752

    ujm
    Participant

    I think there are so many good guys and so few good girls.

    That’s why some people believe that the guys have a list of 100 girls, while the girls are begging to get just one name.

    #642753

    beacon
    Participant

    know why? cuz it’s much harder to be a good boy than a good girl

    100% correct. My friend and I discuss this often..

    #642754

    Myshadow: and its easier for a boy to get back his good name than for a girl!! A boy does something (alotta things) wrong wen he’s 17, wen he’s 19 gets all good, 21 NO one remembers how he was 4 yrs ago, a girl on the other hand, does stuff wrong wen she’s 17- can’t erase that!!!! So girls: think before u do!!! (Telling myself that too)

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