October 5, 2010 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #592528
I really liked the other thread and thought this question would be helpful as well.
I know many excellent girls, close relatives and friends among them, looking for a Shidduch.October 5, 2010 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #712638
I think there are more single girls on the boards than guys but, I would love to see this.October 5, 2010 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #712639HelpfulMember
Top notch middos
Bas talmid chochom
Good brothersOctober 5, 2010 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #712640lkwdfellowMember
One of the main things is easy going, if you ask single boys what they’re looking for that’s usually their first answer….October 5, 2010 5:37 pm at 5:37 pm #712641
lkwdfellow, that makes sense. What are the next few things?October 5, 2010 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #712642
moneyOctober 5, 2010 5:43 pm at 5:43 pm #712643noitallmrParticipant
Please tell me your not really that shallow 😉
Its money before looks…;)
😉October 5, 2010 5:44 pm at 5:44 pm #712644lkwdfellowMember
Ofcourse – that really depends. Different boys give different answers. However, the ones who are realistic, and are looking for the important things in a wife, ususally have an easier time finding what they’re looking for.October 5, 2010 5:45 pm at 5:45 pm #712645
I have said this in jest, but in a way, I’m totally serious, and I”l explain why:
Does she / did she rollerblade? This would tell me her general health and the kind of home she grew up in. Was it a home that encouraged outdoor play? That’s a good indicator of overall health.
What does her potato kugel taste like? This would mean that she has been a help to her mother, and not a whiny JAP.
What’s on her Ipod? – A sure fire method to know what make a person tick. Not that your taste needs to be the same as mine, but I’d still like to know (of course, extra points are scored for Carlebach and Matisyahu, but that’s just me talking)
Is it possible to see a family album? That more than anything will tell you how the family spends its time (vacations, family get togethers, friend, ect)October 5, 2010 5:47 pm at 5:47 pm #712646
No, not change MY name to not Lois Lane!!!! I was suggesting that for Blinky!
And No, I don’t want “not clark kent” either!October 5, 2010 5:49 pm at 5:49 pm #712647blinkyParticipant
“No, not change MY name to not Lois Lane!!!! I was suggesting that for Blinky!”
im glad you didnt! hey im in shidduch age y’know!October 5, 2010 6:00 pm at 6:00 pm #712648YW Moderator-80Member
There is a case of a clearly military order of knighthood for women. It is the order of the Hatchet (orden de la Hacha) in Catalonia. It was founded in 1149 by Raymond Berenger, count of Barcelona, to honor the women who fought for the defense of the town of Tortosa against a Moor attack. The dames admitted to the order received many privileges, including exemption from all taxes, and took precedence over men in public assembliesOctober 5, 2010 6:01 pm at 6:01 pm #712649
I think a pretty important link in this is some girls kow how to make a guy feel secure with her, and some dont. Its a magnetism. Some girls have great Midos and will make the best wives and mothers, probably more so than some who know how to put that magnetism on, but many girls with top Midos just dont know how to communicate caring in a way that a boy is looking for. Boys only see what they can see.October 5, 2010 7:03 pm at 7:03 pm #712650
Boys look for girls who are chilled. Plain and simple. Guys cant stand whiners, complainers, MASHGIACH TYPES, critics, overly emotional (cries over everything).
There are other things that are important like looks or money, but thats not something you can do anything about. However any girls who are dating should know, guys want easygoing chilled girls. If you arent that way, you will have to learn to be that way because guys need their space and cant stand being bugged, nudged…giving your husband a hard time will not lead to an easy marriage.October 5, 2010 7:10 pm at 7:10 pm #712651
It’s all wonderful what guys are ACTUALLY looking for.
What Popa posted are the ones who get the dates.October 5, 2010 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #712652kapustaParticipant
What does her potato kugel taste like? This would mean that she has been a help to her mother, and not a whiny JAP.
FTR, you should be aware as a father of boys that there are JAPs who can make great kugel. A so-so indicator.October 5, 2010 7:25 pm at 7:25 pm #712654
Sacrilege, how many real rich, real beauties are there? Maybe thats what the naive, new on the market guys are looking for. I think the more mature ones are looking for someone who makes them feel good.October 5, 2010 7:31 pm at 7:31 pm #712655
There are plenty of girls who get dates who arent rich and gorgeous. If someoen isnt getting dates it is very likely that they dont have the right shadchanim working for them, I know of plenty of regular looking girls (friends of my sister) who have no money who got plenty of dates and are married now.
A person has to do Hishtadlus and that means recruiting as many people as possible to work on their behalf.
(Oh and I dont inclue your aunt or siblings because nobody is going to believe a word they say about you because they are nogeiah bdavar. Find people who consider themselves shadchanim, who have made shidduchim and give them a call and stay in touch with them so that you are always on their mind.)October 5, 2010 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #712656
there are JAPs who can make great kugel –
Maybe, but can they rollerblade? or do they think a rollerblade is an attachemnt to the foodprocessor to MAKE potato kugel?October 5, 2010 9:05 pm at 9:05 pm #712657
BP Totty, lots of JAPs rollerblade, probably more often than the non-JAPs. They work for their fathers or have half day jobs and have LOTS of free time (when they’re not shopping). Theyre not the ones struggling with advanced-education/jobs/other responsibilities.October 5, 2010 9:26 pm at 9:26 pm #712658
“I think a pretty important link in this is some girls kow how to make a guy feel secure with her, and some dont. Its a magnetism. Some girls have great Midos and will make the best wives and mothers, probably more so than some who know how to put that magnetism on…”
You’re sure it’s not just looks?
“Boys look for girls who are chilled. Plain and simple. Guys cant stand whiners, complainers, MASHGIACH TYPES, critics, overly emotional (cries over everything).”
Agreed. Also, from talking to guys currently “in the parsha”, I think one of the primary ways that guys rate their dates is according to how much “fun” they had. If the girl is easygoing, funny, etc. she’ll rank higher than one who’s too quite and serious. I’m not entirely convinced this system works, as it has little bearing on what type of mother a girl will be (which in my opinion should be the primary gauge), but it is what it is.October 5, 2010 9:31 pm at 9:31 pm #712659KashaMember
I’m not entirely convinced this system works … but it is what it is.
That doesn’t mean we ought to propagate and continue doing things in such vain ways.October 5, 2010 9:46 pm at 9:46 pm #712660
Of course we should move forward. But again, we need to acknowledge facts on the ground and play the game. One should not make his own personal protest against the system at the expense of his daugther’s shidduch. Shidduchim are from shamayim, but stupid isn’t.
We should influence the system to change gradually, and ultilize the system as best as we can for the true tachlis, even if the system isn’t designed for true tachlis.October 5, 2010 9:49 pm at 9:49 pm #712661
I’m not saying what should or should not be done. I’m answering, to the extent of my knowledge on the subject, the question “What do boys look for in a girl?”October 5, 2010 9:50 pm at 9:50 pm #712662
lots of JAPs rollerblade
Of course, don’t be absurd. A true JAP will spend her time off when not shopping, of course) tooling around aimlessly in her Maxima or Lexus with her 2 best best friends!October 5, 2010 10:00 pm at 10:00 pm #712663
“I’m not entirely convinced this system works, as it has little bearing on what type of mother a girl will be (which in my opinion should be the primary gauge), but it is what it is.”
How can a boy dating a single girl figure out what kind of mother a girl will be, especially in 10 or so dates. Please elaborate.October 5, 2010 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #712664
I’m trying to post this for the third time.
Shouldn’t we look to the purposes of marriage in determining what factors to look for?
What purpose of marriage does having middos serve?
It may be very helpful towards accomplishing some of the purposes, but should it really be a focal point?October 5, 2010 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #712665
BP Totty, where do you think JAPs GO with nothing to do, after they shop til they drop, other than spending time w sports such as rollerblading. How much of their father’s money can they spend in a day? After all, its better for their figures than shopping. The non-JAPS DO NOT have extra time for these pursuits!!! C’mon, BPT, which women are the “tennis ladies” throughout the globe, who spend their day at their luxurious sports clubs? They have spare time.October 5, 2010 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #712666
I guess the “purpose” of marriage is to generate the next generation, but it makes the process a whole lot more tolerable if the two partner actualy like each other and get along with one another.
Knowing the persons middos (and picking someone with middos that match yours) should in theory make for a good marraige.
Besides, the Bobover Rebbe was quoted as saying, “people look for 6 things in a shidduch. 3 are irrelevant, 3 are indespensible.
The 3 that are irrelevant are money,looks and yichus; the 3 that are indespensable are middos, middos and middos”.
So I guess middos are up there on the checklist.October 5, 2010 11:22 pm at 11:22 pm #712667
In my opinion, the most important factor in marriage is middos, and having been brought up well yourself so you know how to do it for your kids. Both of these things can be judged in a couple of dates and some homework.
The only purposes I can see in marriage is 1) being a supportive spouse and 2) being an effective parent. And in both these areas, good middos are key.October 6, 2010 12:22 am at 12:22 am #712668kapustaParticipant
Didn’t mean to hijack this thread with my comment about JAPs. It was considered more of a warning, as in, if a guy meets a girl, (who can make kugel!) and has middos, (although if she would be considered a JAP, middos would probably need some polishing,) don’t assume right away she isn’t. On the flip side, if a girl grew up with unlimited cash at her disposal, drives a lexus, etc, don’t automatically assume she is a JAP. Lots of people use a mask.October 6, 2010 12:57 am at 12:57 am #712669
BP totty: Do people really get married mainly to have kids? Don’t they get married to help themselves?
mw13: Do people get married in order to be a supportive spouse? Don’t more people get married to gain a supportive spouse? Do older singles “miss” the opportunity to be a supportive spouse?
Hey everyone! Why did you get married? Why do you want to get married?
Can everyone at least agree that is the first question to answer before making your checklist?October 6, 2010 1:04 am at 1:04 am #712670myfriendMember
popa_bar_aba, et al. Continue the discussion on the purposes of marriage in the newly organized thread for that purpose:
And lets keep this thread on topic.
I’ve responded there regarding the purposes of marriage.October 6, 2010 1:12 am at 1:12 am #712671
I don’t mean to hijack the thread.
I am specifically maintaining that the question of the purpose of marriage is the most relevant in deciding what to look for. Accordingly, I am rejecting middos as an especially important factor.October 6, 2010 1:30 am at 1:30 am #712672
Popa – What would you say is the reason for getting married?
To have kids – Middos isnt a priority so you will have rotten spoiled brats.
To have a life partner/bestfriend – Without Middos? Some partner…
Um, those are the two I can think of…October 6, 2010 1:31 am at 1:31 am #712673
popa_bar_abba, I dont get it. Midos is most important even when looking for business partners, tenants… how not when looking for a lifetime spouse?October 6, 2010 1:44 am at 1:44 am #712674
The most important thing in a tenant is that he will pay on time and not damage the property.
You don’t care if he beats his kids or gets angry at his wife.
The most important thing in a business partner is that he will be good at running the business.
You do care about getting along, but it is certainly not the most important factor. So, for instance if you have two potential business partners, one who scores an “80” on running the business, but a “60” on getting along, you will choose him over the candidate who scores “60” on running the business, and “80” on getting along.October 6, 2010 1:52 am at 1:52 am #712675rebdonielMember
I look for someone who is aidel, who seeks closeness with HaShem, who wants to have a large family and bring up children who are yirei shamayim and bnei torah, who is appreciative of the fact that I will have a career so we can live comfortably without her working (IY”H, I will be earning a degree as a CRNA and a degree in Counseling Psychology, so we will not have to worry about making ends meet), but that I will also learn several hours a day, give shiurim, publish, etc., someone who will like to be treated like a malka, with adoration and respect, someone who will want to run the household and make decisions together, with respect for each others’ opinions, someone who will support her in her personal endeavors, and of course, someone who shares similar hashkafos and political beliefs, more or less. Of course, someone who wants to be charitable, do kiruv, gemilas chasidim, have people over for Shabbos, and who will like my special chulent and who will let me cook in the kitchen and help as much as possible with the kids and domestic tasks. Of course, I want someone who is even-tempered, mild-mannered, who appreciates the important things in life (HaShem, maaseh bereshis, children, knowledge, etc.), and who is sincere, honest, and of course, frum, yet open to and respective of the fact that her husband will have a solid career that literally involves saving lives, while also helping and counseling others, and publishing articles, books, shiurim, etc. I daven every day for my bashert, and I know HaShem will provide.October 6, 2010 1:54 am at 1:54 am #712676
popa, unique rationale. Neat, successful, ambitious people can stab you in the back if they dont have Midos. And they do! It aint worth a thing!October 14, 2010 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #712677phrumMember
Love.October 14, 2010 9:19 pm at 9:19 pm #712678Ben TorahParticipant
Love comes after marriage.October 14, 2010 10:57 pm at 10:57 pm #712679tomim tihyeMember
Am I the only one who got a kick out of Popa’s post? I thought I’m usually in good company.October 14, 2010 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #712680
Right, love always comes only after marriage…
which is the the posuk says that Michal loved Dovid, and it seemed like a good to her father Shaul, that she marry Dovid… and the posuk speaks before they were married – heck, even dating!…wait….maybe love comes differently to different people…hmmmm….October 15, 2010 1:57 am at 1:57 am #712682oomisParticipant
Love should deepen after marriage, but it is so much better if it begins to take root BEFORE.October 15, 2010 2:00 am at 2:00 am #712683
Wait, you are going to compare us normal folk to David Hamelech and Michal?! They were on a supremely high madreiga and were Baalei Ruach Hakodesh. Who really knows what that love means. Go check the Radak or some other Meforshim I’m sure someone goes into it.
Furthermore, you can love someone without being married. But at the minimum you have to know the person or know a lot about them. (Michal knew all about David, and maybe had met him as he was quite famous and a best friend of her brother Yonasan) The Rambam translates love as the emotional pleasure a human being experiences when he understands and focuses on the virtues of another human being.October 15, 2010 2:56 am at 2:56 am #712684sof davar hakol nishmaMember
moq – what about when it says “????? ???? ?? ????” AFTER they were married. REAL love always comes AFTER you know them for a long time (not only with marriage)October 15, 2010 5:08 am at 5:08 am #712685passion4musicMember
Good family, amazing middot, someone who can run a home, sweet, does chessed, happy, easy going, pretty(-any girl can be pretty its all in the eyes of the beholder) loves kids, has yirat shamayim, selfless, generous, respectful….October 15, 2010 9:20 am at 9:20 am #712686
Right…so we agree that love comes in different ways, in different times, to different people, under different circumstances, and the cliche that love only comes after marriage…is not true.October 15, 2010 1:23 pm at 1:23 pm #712687rockerMember
Good family, amazing middot,
someone who can run a home,
sweet, does chessed, happy,
easy going, pretty, loves kids, has yirat shamayim, selfless,
B”H Bli Ayin Hora my kallah has got all of these qualities plus, i think i am the luckiest guy out.October 15, 2010 2:24 pm at 2:24 pm #712688HolyMoeParticipant
The unforgettable Rebbetzin Braunstein A”H once asked this question to a large audience.
Everyone answered more or less along the lines of these posts.
She then said “As someone who deals with all sorts of issues after marriage, I can definitely tell you that the most important thing to look for and ask about in any shidduch – boy or girl – is: “Is this person a happy person? Is the family a happy, optimistic one?”
What great advice!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.