Shidduchim – why so hard?

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  • #1866821
    m1994
    Participant

    Ok, so I have never been someone to write on internet forums, the thought of communicating anonymously never really appealed to me.
    But I am desperate, unfortunately there is no denying it I am officially a statistic 26 and not married.
    I am not sure what I’m looking for, understanding, advice, just someone who will listen?
    I was never one of those girls who was worried about getting married (not that I didn’t want to get married) I just trusted hashem, trusted he would look after me. its not that i didn’t do my part, calling shadchanim going out with boys that didn’t sound exactly like what Im looking for, going out on second and third dates even when I didn’t want to. I did my part, hishtadlus, davaning kabals, self improvement etc. but I feel like it got me nowhere.
    Thankfully I have used this time in my life wisely – I have traveled made new friends, worked on myself, advanced in my job and am currently getting my masters. objectively I have a good full life.
    but the thing is I have always WANTED to get married I mean I love the idea of being a wife and a mother and that has been my dream since 10th grade. I might be smart, successful and g8 at my job and advancing in my career but that has never been my DREAM, my dream is being a wife and a mom. and I know that I wont be truly happy without achieving that dream.
    but I no longer have the absolute belief that it will happen there are women who never get married and that is a fact!
    I have no letter from hashem promising me that it will happen and therefore, i’m terrified, lost and helpless I have no idea what to do.
    For years i Had emuna it will be ok, But what if it never happens, how or will i be able to live with it?

    #1866899
    n0mesorah
    Participant

    Dear M,
    You made a solid point. In general, what in our world does Hashem guarantee? 1)Tzeddakah pays. 2)The cry of the maligned is heard. 3) A thief gets his due. 4) The haughty are reduced. Et cetera. Guarantees in this world revolve around what an individual does with what is meaningful to themselves. Family by definition avoids this scenario. It has to be attained. It is not awarded.

    #1866905
    Joseph
    Participant

    At what age did you start shidduchim?

    #1866922
    Milhouse
    Participant

    M1994, I want to suggest something for you to bear in mind that may be difficult. As you say, you have no letter from Hashem promising that you will eventually get married. I think you should consider, not in the front of your mind but just as a remote possibility in the back of your mind, that maybe, just maybe, Hashem has plans for you that don’t involve getting married.

    YOU want to be a wife and mom, and for most women that is also what Hashem wants for them, but in some cases He doesn’t, and it is possible — not likely but still possible — that you may be one of the exceptions. Don’t expect that, don’t just give up on shiduchim and say “Fine, Hashem, I won’t get married”. Keep doing everything you’re doing and hope that He will help you, but bear in mind Abraham Lincoln’s wise words: “Let us not pray that G-d is on our side but that we are on His”.

    IF and only IF it turns out that He doesn’t want you to get married, you should be prepared to accept it, not reluctantly as a sacrifice you give to His will, but joyfully as a gift that He is giving you, because He knows that in your case marriage would not be good for you.

    Because of course you know that some people get married thinking this is what their lives are for, and it turns out to be a big mistake. People make themselves miserable by marrying the wrong person, or by marrying at al when they shouldn’t have. And some people are very happy being single.

    So if that turns out to be your lot, be willing not just to endure it but to enjoy it and celebrate it and thank Hashem for it (while never losing hope that in the end His plans for you will include a good and happy marriage after all).

    Just something for you to consider. Keep davening, keep doing mitzvos, and keep hoping, and very soon may you be Eim Habonim Smeicho.

    #1867055
    Edmark1234
    Participant

    Life is often rough, and people (myself included) are often not nearly as considerate and understanding as they should be. Having said that we can look it from a perspective of ‘mi kamcha yisroel’ that has amazing noble goals of raising a g-d-fearing family that we are extremely particular with how we go about doing it.

    Im a 26 yr old single guy. (before everyone jump and try set us up)

    im not an american and never went to collage

    #1867125
    Someone in Monsey
    Participant

    It seems to me that the only answer that is satisfactory or even plausible is that, for whatever His reason(s), Hashem has put this hardship into the world. Some avoid it, some do not, and unless a person is truly derelict in trying to marry, it’s not in any way acceptable to blame him or her for their single status. Marriage and family is such a core aspect of human life that to be deprived of it is something that is searing for the soul. On a personal note, without knowing anything about you, someone as young as you might be best served by looking in Eretz Yisroel. EY is the future and, you being so young, it makes eminent sense to look for your future there.

    #1867140
    MosheFromMidwood
    Participant

    I can empathize with you. My wife and I were both in our 30s when we got married and our daughter is now older than you and still looking (Boys have it a lot easier). There is really nothing anyone can say that will erase your despair, but do know that with a blink of an eye it could all change. It happened to us and to so many others. A friend of our just got engaged at 38, another friend of my wife’s got married at close to 45 and had a baby. It can happen. Just don’t focus on those to whom, for whatever reason, it did not. Continue your hishtadlus and believe that each person you go out with brings you one step closer. Hatzlacha rabbah.

    #1867200
    saulred
    Participant

    your pain cannot be understated, I am a 40 yr old single bochur, never married, i do all the right things too, i learn and work, bh very good parnassah, im also very personable in terms of dealing with people in my real estate profession, and somehow when it comes to shidduchim i hit a wall, of course always another reason but so far it didn’t happen, so il tell you what i tell myself, the Gemara asks, why is it that when someone is pursue a certain shidduch and is rejected, he still tries to pursue an even better shidduch, why would he pursue a better one when an even not such good one rejected him, and the Gemara answers with a mashal-an analogy, say someone tries to hammer a nail into a wall and it doesn’t go, he tries and tries on the lower end of the wall to no avail, but then he tries on the upper end and behold it sticks, why is that? because the place of the nail was on the upper end, so the lower end didnt work becuase wasn’t its place, not because it was better or worse, (i dont remember where the gemara is and might not quote it in its entirety), the point is, we do believe everything has a time and place, a shidduch even more so, the time and person just didnt come along yet, certainly some people will die single, but most wont, at 26 you still have a whole lot in the future going for you, so dont give up, and you’ll find whatever hashem has in mind for you, so as the Chovas Halevavos says in Shaar Habitachon, that a person should know that everything is from hashem שתועלתו והיזקו אינם בּיד בּשׁר ודם כּי אם בּרשׁות הבּורא-nobody can help you or hurt but hashem, but hashem works throu messengers, and that a person should do hishtadlus that is fitting לאמונתו ולעולמו, meaning whatever works and is the custom in your particular faith and world, and keep davening.

    now regarding the Shidduch system, of course there is alot to be desred, it would be nice if people would be more understanding, also less closedminded, but we cant change the world, but in the end of the dayhashem calls the shots

    #1867280
    saulred
    Participant

    cannot be overstated I mean

    #1867298
    Someone in Monsey
    Participant

    In case you’re unaware of it, there’s a great, frum shidduchim website – http://www.partnersinshidduchim .com. Very well run, glatt kosher.

    #1867599
    Shimon Nodel
    Participant

    There are many geirim and BTs who are outstanding frum yidden who are available. Expand your network a bit. The main thing to look for aside from good midos is yiras shamayim and a strong שאיפות

    #1867954
    bsharg2
    Participant

    @m1994
    You will find your bashert, trust in Hashem. Don’t be discouraged, take it one day at a time and focus now on Shidduchim.

    Some suggestions:
    1) You are 26. The older you get, the more difficult it will be to find your bashert. The younger you are, the best chances you have. Right now, forget all the other things going on in your life, and focus on your goal. Shidduchim. This is the time.
    What age did you start Shidduchim? 18 is a good age to start.

    2) Focus on your appearance right now.
    When you go on dates, put effort into your appearance.

    3) Expand your network, as mentioned above. Add BTs, geirim, older, out of towners, etc. Be open-minded.

    4) Do you talk too much on dates and dominate the conversation?
    I’m a woman. Sometimes we talk too much. We don’t let the gentleman talk. On dates, make sure you are not talking too much. Don’t interrupt. Let him talk about himself. Don’t Lead the Conversation. Let your date lead the conversation. This advice goes to all girls. This is so important. Let him ask questions about you. Dont ask (as many) questions yourself. Don’t appear too Eager or too Desperate. Let him lead the conversation. Let him show interest. Be quiet, be demure. Wait until the 3rd date to open up a bit, but still not overly too much. Keep it together.

    5) Don’t complain or be negative on dates. That’s not fun for anyone. Don’t talk about your personal problems. This goes for both boys and girls.

    ***most importantly, daven to Hashem. Pour your heart out to him. Ask for help. Daven for a shidduch. Ask people to daven on your behalf. You will be a kallah, you will be an imma. Trust in Hashem.

    edited

    #1869518
    Mistykins
    Participant

    Some great advice here, some not so great. If a woman allows the man to ask all the questions and lead the conversation, she will come off as uninterested. Some boys don’t know how to make conversation. It’s up to you to keep it going.

    In some ways, I worry the community has failed you. 26 is a perfect age to marry- it gives you time to learn who you are (human brain keeps developing until early 20’s). It gives you time to have a good education, good friends, and good memories/ experiences.

    You will find your bashert. It may be next year, it may be in 3 years. Hashem knows who it is, and I believe that he is preparing that perfect husband for you. When the time is right, you will find him and have that dream life. And if not, that is Hashem’s ultimate plan, and you will find happiness in His wisdom.

    #1870409
    Modesty
    Participant

    M1994 in our community 26 is still young if people wouldn’t be so fussy about age things would be great
    I myself a consider myself a young girl age 28 only started dating a few months ago
    I don’t agree with the fact that it has to be so difficult

    #1870595
    n0mesorah
    Participant

    “I don’t agree with the fact that it has to be so diificult”

    And you are right. It is not a fact. Not even an opinion. It is very close to an open lie.

    Our community has twisted everything to make it about the shidduch. Like I am meaningless if I do not get one.

    #1870707
    Modesty
    Participant

    “Our community has twisted everything to make it about the shidduch. Like I am meaningless if I do not get one.”
    Life is meaningless if you’re not married that is one of the reality’s of life it wasn’t created by the community
    Take a poll most girls myself included all want to be married and our life is meaningless

    #1870948
    n0mesorah
    Participant

    Okay. Let’s see how this works. How would marriage make life meaningful?

    #1872373
    bsharg2
    Participant

    “Some great advice here, some not so great. If a woman allows the man to ask all the questions and lead the conversation, she will come off as uninterested. Some boys don’t know how to make conversation. It’s up to you to keep it going.”
    @Mistykins
    As a married Jewish woman who dated A LOT for several years before finding my zivug, I found that when I changed my approach, I was much more successful in dating.

    Look, a lot of girls talk way too much on dates. It is unpleasant for the boy. Of course, we should show some interest, but you don’t want to show too much interest either. It looks too eager, too desperate. It is unappealing. This is the hard truth. It doesn’t sound nice, but it is the way it is. If you are interested, communicate that to the shadchan. On the date, its good to let the boy talk about himself, let him ask you questions. Let him become interested in you. Let him lead the date. If you are quiet, he will think you are quiet, he won’t think you’re not interested.

    While I was dating, I read a good dating book written by Jewish ladies (I know I can’t say the name of the actual book here) but it’s a book on how to date to get married. It helped me a lot, I changed how I behaved on dates, and found my zivug, happily married for years.

    #1872418
    Gog Umagog
    Participant

    Shidduch for men – 2 hours of שמירת הלשון (the Sefer) a day no lying to yourself about time spent in the text and taking notes. On top of thatתענית דיבור 2 hours a day, no clown stuff on your mind just pure clear thoughts(As רב נחמן called it התבודדות like in Coronavirus means to isolate, so take time off from the תרבות המערבי and just clear your head two hours a day.) Do this for Three months and then go to a Shadchan.

    For Women- צניות!! This one is a big deal, if you have גאווה at all in any matter whether that be תורה, חסד, ממון, Family accomplishments, Social circle, etc. all that type of גאווה will destroy the potential for שכינה in your current and future home. ליבוש צנוע as well is a big deal it reflects on your מידות as a whole which of course applies to both Genders. I suggest for women תהילים as well תפילה for Women goes a REALLY long way, like a REALLY REALLY long way…

    #1872575

    Any way to contact someone from here? Either via PM or a mod. Thanks.

    #1872687

    @saulred Can you please email me? You sound like an amazing person, and perfect for someone I know. Email address is aw10146 at gmail dot com . Thanks. (Hope mods let this through.)

    #1872897
    opinionated-2
    Participant

    Because people are so very picky.
    What is wrong with a baal teshuva for example?
    Or someone from a divorced home?
    Someone who is “quiet” or “not so skinny”?
    Or someone who is from a family that doesn’t have money?
    Since when is Shidduchim a shopping spree??
    Does he have to be Smart, AND A Long Term Learner, AND Tall, AND went to Israel??
    She has to be pretty, and not tall, and her father has money but is also in klei kodesh?
    What kind of nonsense is this.
    Each person needs to look at himself and ask “Am I causing the crisis?”
    No, its not HKBH who caused the crisis. We, with our long lists, caused the crisis.

    #1872927
    charliehall
    Participant

    “exactly like what Im looking for”

    Exactly what ARE you looking for? My amazing wife was not exactly what I was looking for but she turned out to be perfect for me.

    #1873018
    Nerli
    Participant

    M1994 I can understand your pain and frustration.

    Whilst In my days the shidduchim process didnt seem as complex . Today the shidduch arena has become that much more. And one can feel disillusioned.

    Sadly there are many boys as well as girls even in their late 29s that I know of. Living in the same country, who are normal , healthy , frum Ehrlicha yidden but cant seem to make it work.

    I know of a healthy wonderful chabadnik. Down to earth who attends minyanim leins and has great middos tovos. Whilst he only eats cholov yisroel and listens to only jewish music and reads only jewish books he does listen and watch documentarys. He is a warm outgoing American. He is 5-11tall has a beard neat and tidy. Currently studying online pursuing his tech degree. Will relocate anywhere. Tznius is important to him but so is a an assertive wife one that talks her mind he is looking for and one he can talk ove rshabbos table with. Not a monologue but a dialogue.

    Let me know I charge nothing. Made a couple before bh. I am the undercover Shadchan

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