single guy and single girl talkin about shidduchim

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  • #595821

    I am a single guy. recently a coworker of mine, a single girl approached me about finding a shidduch for her. we are not compatible and this has now turned into us exchanging each others personal information in hopes of us finding the other a shidduch. is this at all acceptable?

    #911472

    yitayningwut
    Participant

    You know yourself better than anyone in the CR, so think about it and you decide. And ask your rav.

    #911473

    Umm, why not? Chesed is always good.

    If however, you may have omited some details, then it may indeed be unacceptable.

    #911474

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    One time I dated a girl who was a chesed powerhouse (really into doing chesed) and when it didn’t work out she set me up with someone else

    #911475

    Grandmaster
    Member

    This sounds like dangerous territory.

    #911476

    cshapiro
    Member

    it may get awkward…just warning u…

    #911477

    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    Hmmm… I just did something similar less than half an hour ago. On facebook, no less. This is pretty funny.

    #911478

    eclipse
    Member

    When in doubt….do without.

    #911479

    oomis
    Participant

    Sorry fellow coffee roomers, I think it’s a great idea. EVERYONE should look out for everyone else for shidduchim. We do not know where a shidduch will come from or who it is who will be the shaliach for a shidduch. If there is any chance you can help each other, kol hakavod.

    #911480

    yogibooboo
    Member

    im with oomis on this!

    #911481

    thanks guys for all your responses! just to clarify, we work together on a daily basis and our communication is very healthy. a rav was consulted regarding our working together and talking together and he said it was no problem. my real question is once we get into shidduch conversations does it become inappropriate?

    #911482

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    I’m not sure the issue – is it that you now have your coworkers contact information?

    #911483

    charliehall
    Participant

    I’m also with oomis on this.

    #911484

    I’m also with oomis on this.

    #911485

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    May you be Zoche to find a shidduch, both for yourself and this young lady.

    If you had met her on a date, would you feel better about it? This way you didn’t have to go on the date, yet still “met” her in an “acceptable” manner (as a co-worker).

    #911486

    nishtdayngesheft
    Participant

    It does say in pirkie avos “al tarbeh sicha im haesha”. Is there anything inherently wrong? Probably not, however, from what I have seen, conversations about shidduchim lead to much tangential converstion. And such a relationship between singles, without intention of any tachlis can lead to trouble (certainly can play on frustrations).

    There is a much talked about concept of an “office wife” (not referring to any illicit behaviour), which defines a close office relationship that is not in synch with a Torah haskafah and gedarim that the chachamim have established, for those who are concerned with living with a Torah haskafah. Obviously not everyone considers such a haskafa important, but that is for you to consider.

    #911487

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Why don’t you ask the same rav this additional detail?

    Personally, I would think that if merely an exchange of information (“shidduch resumes”), it’s okay, but any actual shidduchim should definitely be done through someone else, and the two of you should not even know if any of each other’s suggestions are being followed through on.

    #911488

    mytake
    Member

    “Once you get into shidduch conversations does it become inappropiate?”

    So about these “shidduch conversations”: is an exchange of technical information, or more like an exchange of advice/support?

    Either way, you wanna know what I think? If you were raised in a home where this is acceptable behavior, you’d probably not be wondering about this. If you saw similar relationships while growing up, you’d probably be sure that this is normal.

    I may be wrong about this, but you know that little voice in your head that prompted you to start this thread in the first place? Usually that voice is right.

    Again, I may be wrong, it’s just my take on this.

    #911489

    adorable
    Participant

    I think the fact that you know there is something maybe wrong with it shows that you know in your heart of heart that its not right. i dont think its worth it! Once you start talking to her you might decide that she is not so different than you after all and that maybe you should marry her…… If you think about her more than nec then its already heading toward the bad side!

    #911490

    yogibooboo
    Member

    no itsnot inappropriate. its good!

    #911491

    adorable
    Participant

    I know that alcohol reduces inhibitions but I just wondering what they are thinking! Do they remember it the next day? I was really embarrassed for this guy to call me in public by my first name!

    #911492

    MDG
    Participant

    I agree with oomis and cshapiro. It’s good but it may get awkward. Keep a professional relationship and a healthy distance.

    #911493

    Poster
    Member

    the cutest will be if u marrry eachother. You will look back and say, “We never thought of eachother, but through our conversations….”

    #911494

    Sacrilege
    Member

    “the cutest will be if u marrry eachother.” (sic)

    I heard of a story where a guy was getting on in years and just couldnt find what he was looking for. Once he was paired up with another Associate in the Firm to work on a case and when the case was over he felt something missing in his life…. The girl! He missed speaking to her everyday, and seeing her.

    So they formally dated and got engaged. His friends where shocked to see who he was engaged to because she was nothing like he the type of girl he claimed to “need”. She wasnt ‘drop dead gorgeous’ and she wasnt skinny either.

    So, rebbi gershon, you never know!

    #911495

    my take on this is like mytake

    #911496

    “cutiepie

    Member

    I think the fact that you know there is something maybe wrong with it shows that you know in your heart of heart that its not right. i dont think its worth it! Once you start talking to her you might decide that she is not so different than you after all and that maybe you should marry her…… If you think about her more than nec then its already heading toward the bad side! “

    i dont really expect that to happen as we are not seemingly compatible, but you make it sound like it would be a problem if it did. can you explain why?

    #911497

    MDG
    Participant

    rebbi gershon said “i dont really expect that [something bad] to happen as we are not seemingly compatible,”

    The Yetser Hara does not care about compatibility. You are treading on thin ice. The more you ignore the risk the more you are in danger.

    #911498

    rebdoniel
    Member

    R’ Gershon,

    What makes you so certain you are incompatible? If you are apseding so much time with her, than maybe she is your basherte, and the yetzer hara is keeping you from realizing this. There have been many instances of similar cases happening, i.e. two people thinking they are just friends, when they really belong together. Maybe if you have such a closeness, you should work on cultivating the relationship.

    #911499

    adorable
    Participant

    could not agree more with MDG! you are treading on thin ice and you have no clue how the Yetzer Hora can get you! Even if you think “bad” thoughts in regard to her you are in trouble! Just stop it before it goes too far. If you are meant for each other then Hashem will send her your way in a more appropriate fashion (shadchun…..) but just to marry a girl that you worked with and liked? sounds scary to me

    #911500

    adorable:

    Who says that this is not the way that Hashem is sending her his way? When did using a shadchan all of a sudden become the one acceptable way to get set up?

    #911501

    AZ are you out there? There are two singles fighting the “shidduch crisis”! Come on out and encourage them.

    #911502

    red head
    Member

    I only think you can ask if you know there’s a chance he may know someone. i mean i work with a lot of guys, and some you can ask and some you cant. it depends on how old he is, frumkeit and if he’ll take it too far and get personal with you. it’s each person for themselves to make such a decision

    #911503

    RedNails19
    Participant

    I did it, and it worked out ok.

    You just have to do wit with the right mindset and intentions.

    but i see nothing wrong with it.

    if we dont do soemthing about the situation– who will?

    (and for those who will comment how hashem is the Shadchan…i kno…hishtadlus people, hishtadlus)

    #911504

    willi
    Member

    Sounds like a good idea to me. why not? Isn’t shidduchim all about networking?

    #911505

    i would never do it, i wouldnt be comfortable but it really depends on your background, what type of place your from and how tznius and business like your suggestions and interactions are.

    #911506

    charliehall
    Participant

    Sometimes it is clear that you are incompatible. I was once fixed up with someone who turned out to be a fan of Bill O’Reilly.

    #911507

    dancinggirl
    Member

    it does not sound appropriate!

    #911508

    shuli
    Participant

    cute story, sacriledge i dont think there is anything wrong with this if it is kept professional.

    you just might end up marrying her!

    #911509

    IUseBrains
    Participant

    mbachur,if ur still around let me know, I may be able to help u find a shidduch. Oh you wan’t to know how to reach me, contact ywn they have my email address! Oh, I almost forgot, read this quick before the moderator eliminates this!

    #911510

    anybody else have any opinions??

    #911511

    shev143
    Member

    Talk? What’s to talk about? In my days we got down to business.

    #911512

    any more comments on this? i spoke to a rabbi and he said it is not a problem, but i want to hear your opinions

    #911513

    yeshivaguy1
    Member

    Adorable- That’s the problem! That they might end up married. What is wrong with that. I kind of feel like your missing the point over here.

    #911514

    any more ideas??

    #911515

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Why don’t you just marry her? (the coworker in question).

    How bad could it be already? Worse than being single?

    (Now, this is a typical troll question. Nothing clever, just inflammatory.)

    #911516

    cshapiro
    Member

    set her up with ur friends and she will hopefully do the same…what exactly is ur concern?

    #911517

    i would think of this as ideal

    #911518

    HaQer
    Member

    Go for it! It sounds like the two of you are the type of “older singles” who were brought up in a “Yeshivish” environment where you never spoke to the opposite gender. In some cases like that, it could be helpful to have productive conversations with each other about inyanei shiduchim. These conversations can hopefully help you along in the process of finding the right one for each of you. Obviously this should be done with the right mindset and you should always be on your guard that you are approaching it appropriately.

    #911519

    adorable
    Participant

    i dont understand why you would ask us if you say that you asked a rav already and he told you its ok. Do you still feel like its not the right thing to do?

    #911520

    WIY
    Member

    Any updates?

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