Smoking in Shidduchim

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  • #597997

    imnotsaying
    Member

    Would you say that it is unreasonable to insist that the bachur doesn’t smoke when looking for a shidduch?

    #786644

    yungerman1
    Participant

    Not unreasonable, but dont expect an honest answer.

    While this may not be always the case, I know many bochurim that stopped smoking regularly after getting married,

    #786645

    real-brisker
    Member

    I would say its unreasonable if you DO NOT insist that the bochur doesn’t smoke.

    #786646

    mamashtakah
    Member

    Why would it be unreasonable? It’s assur.

    #786647

    adorable
    Participant

    I would never even go out with someone who smokes forget marry him. NO WAY!

    #786648

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    I highly recommend that you insist that the guy does not smoke.

    adorable, good for you!

    #786649

    Droid
    Member

    The smokers all end up getting married somehow. Apparently there is always a girl — even for a smoker.

    #786651

    charliehall
    Participant

    I would never have gone out with a smoker.

    #786652

    Pac-Man
    Member

    You would have never have gone out with someone with a beard either.

    #786653

    WIY
    Member

    One who smokes is oiver an issur deoraysoh with every puff. No question about it. Dating a smoker means you are dating a guy who doesn’t give a darn about his health. If he doesn’t care about himself, don’t expect him to care about you and the kids…

    #786654

    Wife Mommy
    Member

    I have to say that I’m happily married to a smoker…I don’t condone his smoking. He doesn’t smoke near me or our children (They don’t even know he smokes.)Did I purposely look for a smoker when I was dating? Of course not…would I turn down a potential shidduch? Of course not…If I would have been so quick to judge, I wouldn’t have the life I have now…There are plenty of worse things to look out for in shidduchim.

    #786655

    adorable
    Participant

    are you saying this all knowing that he has a high risk of dying and leaving you and your children alone? I have a lot to say as I might just be one of your children- my father also smokes (infrequently but still) and I am the only one of my siblings that knows about it. but you dont know how hard it is on me. i cannot go into details without saying things that will surely be deleted but I would quicker marry a guy with a physical disability rather than a smoker.

    #786656

    Health
    Participant

    Wife Mommy – Ok, I can understand at the time why you would overlook it, but WHY aren’t you insisting he quit now? Do you not care about him? I posted many times on YWN how a person can quit. Please look up the posts.

    #786657

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    Even if a father does not smoke in front of the children, the smoke lingers on his clothing and his breath. that can’t be too healthy or pleasant to be near.

    #786659

    adorable
    Participant

    and I promise you that kids are not dumb and you cannot hide something like that from them. what would you do if your son started smoking? would you be ok with it?

    #786660

    Wife Mommy
    Member

    I never said I don’t get him to try and quit. He has tried and still tries. It’s not easy for him. I support him in his efforts to try. Of course I care about him. The main topic was should a person say “no” to a shidduch involving a smoker. I was merely pointing out that I refused to judge a person based on that.

    #786661

    Health
    Participant

    Wife Mommy – I posted in the stop smoking thread -that it’s not called trying unless you try a 3-pronged approach. Look it up.

    #786662

    adorable
    Participant

    how do you know that your children dont know about it? and if he really tried to stop and you’re backing him then why didn’t it work? any why dont you want them to know- is it because its not something that you would want them to copy? because you know its bad?

    #786663

    Chacham
    Participant

    You should say no. let that be an incentive for bachurim to stop.

    #786664

    real-brisker
    Member

    Wife – I don’t get it, why would you not judge a person based on that?

    #786665

    basket of radishes
    Participant

    You probably dont want a younger guy who smokes regularly. Most certainly not a really avid cigarette smoker. Those who do smoke at a young age likely may stop so don’t get all worked up if he smoked in college say and smokes a few cigettes. Don’t throw the baby away with the bathwater. But that said, be leery of those who are lifelong cigarette smokers for the most part. Of course by now you know I will be one to suggest that those who enjoy an occasional cigar and a pipe are really not your enemy. Treat them well and consider them as a good prospect. But of course anyone can have ill health later on. So be good and look for character.

    #786666

    oomis
    Participant

    Smoke stinks and it makes you stink. It costs a LOT of money, money that if you want to see it go up in smoke, you would do better to give it to tzedaka. It makes a person’s teeth go yellow, stains the fingers, and gives one premature wrinkles around the mouth. Aside from all this, the bad news is it can kill you and even the people around you who don’t smoke at all. If you are a Kollel boy, living off your shver, you are wasting HIS money indulging in your filthy habit. Enough reasons to not do it?

    #786667

    No one is saying that smoking is a good thing the point here is that some people are addicted already and they will hopefully do everything In Their power to stop my question is how can you judge by the fact that he’s smoking while he’s single that he can’t make a successful and loving father and husband?

    #786668

    Yaacov
    Member

    WOW! I know that smoking and shidduchim don’t mix, but I never realized how STRONGLY people feel about it. I used to be a pretty big smoker (while in Yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael – i probably went through a pack every 1-2 days) now back home, I definitely don’t smoke as much, a pack usually lasts me a week, sometimes more)

    I’m not proud of the fact that I smoke, I would never encourage it, and I’m constantly trying to quit (sometimes successful for longer periods of time than others)

    Something to think about is that, the girl you will marry more likely than anything will not want to marry you if you smoke. If that girl means enough to you, then you will quit smoking just because of the kavod that you have to give to your wife.

    Sometimes I light up a cigarette, and think to myself ”why am I bothering with this?”

    The answer: because I have nothing better to do after davening, learning, school, and work, I have nothing better to do, so I smoke.

    Im from Montreal, so my english isn’t the best… I hope I got my point across… !?!?!??

    #786669

    Yaacov
    Member

    (about my prev. post)

    The point I was trying to make is: why should smoker/non-smoker be such a deciding factor… just because a guy smokes, doesn’t make him a bad guy

    #786670

    real-brisker
    Member

    Yaacov – Correct he is not a bad guy, (your a great guy ;-)). However why would someone want to marry someone that is in a health risk?

    #786671

    oomis
    Participant

    Yaacov: Being a smoker shows a level of selfishness as well as lack of any concern for one’s health, or that of those people around him. He might not be a “bad” guy, but neither is he a great shidduch prospect. He is addicted to a habit that is self-destructive, wasteful of money that could be put to better use, and potentially life-threatening to others, including the babies he would like to have. The stench of smoke clings to your clothes, and like a dog owner who is so used to the smell that he doesn’t notice it in his home, but everyone else does, the smoker likewise does not realize how much he stinks, and how much it makes his home stink.

    #786672

    oomis
    Participant

    Yaacov, I wanted to add, that given your previous smoking history, I would strongly advise you to get your lungs checked out to make sure you have not already suffered serious damage. I hope not, for your sake. You sound like a nice young man. Do yourself a BIG favor, don’t even touch ONE cigarette. You will be so happy later on.

    #786673

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I wouldn’t mind a shidduch who is smoking!

    #786674

    Droid
    Member

    Yaacov: If you follow oomis’ advice, please only check out your lungs after you are married, so as not to ruin your shidduch prospects if c’v something is amiss. (jk)

    #786675

    imnotsaying
    Member

    Wow, I really opened up a can of worms!!! (that was fun 🙂 )

    My personal opinion is (now, no one take offense to this) if someone is smoking (unless they grew up where everyone in their world is smoking) that they know that there are serious dangers – everyone knows that these days. So, why would a boy (or anyone) be smoking?

    So, I’ve been told because of peer pressure. So, he doesn’t have the ability to stand up to what he believes? If someone would jump off a roof, would you too? Smoking is much more expensive, more harmful and a more painful way of dying!

    Ok, now once he started he can’t stop – what happened to controlling your Taava? (please, don’t start with how people who are overwieght have the same thing – many times its genetic and they were brought up that way – and thats not what I am talking about anyway!)

    I’m just trying to understand it! Thanks!

    #786676

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Ok, now once he started he can’t stop – what happened to controlling your Taava? (please, don’t start with how people who are overwieght have the same thing – many times its genetic and they were brought up that way – and thats not what I am talking about anyway!)

    lol

    #786677

    frumeyid
    Participant

    imnotsaying says

    “So, I’ve been told because of peer pressure. So, he doesn’t have the ability to stand up to what he believes? If someone would jump off a roof, would you too? Smoking is much more expensive, more harmful and a more painful way of dying!”

    Hmmm… So what about a girl whose tznius is not 100% because of the peer pressure that “everyone dresses that way and I don’t want to be neb or a frummie”. Should we cross those girls off our shidduch lists because they are putting themselves into spiritual danger due to peer pressure?

    #786678

    Droid
    Member

    Yes.

    #786679

    I would not date a boy who smokes. (b”n)

    #786680

    All I can say to you people that won’t date a smoker is your loss…….don’t come back crying that there’s a shiduch crisis

    #786681

    imnotsaying
    Member

    Frumeyid – who said I don’t think that about girls who don’t follow tznius – I really really don’t understand it. I never had that issue so I really am try to be Dan Lecaf Zechus them – but I really don’t understand it. And, if I had control over it, I wouldn’t let my brother’s go out with girls who don’t follow basic Hilchos Tznuis. But, like overweight people – we aren’t discussing that right now!

    #786682

    WIY
    Member

    The last Rebel

    Im a guy but I will answer for the girls. The reason there’s a shidduch crisis is because there are way more good girls than good boys out there. The fact is, i know many people who smoke and although some of them are good people many of them are arrogant and aloof and selfish or have an attitude. There I said it. Now attack me for stating the truth.

    #786683

    WIY
    Member

    Sascha bchachma

    Don’t date a smoker. Unless you can confirm that he only smokes socially and that he is not an addicted smoker. It is very hard to stop and its a disgusting habit that reveals a lot about a persons character.

    #786684

    oomis
    Participant

    Rebel – it is the smoker’s loss, not the loss of the one who will not date a smoker. Most girls do not want to marry a human ashtray.

    #786685

    The fact is, i know many people who smoke and although some of them are good people many of them are arrogant and aloof and selfish or have an attitude

    WIY If these people were to stop smoking would these character traits disappear?

    #786686

    WIY
    Member

    The last Rebel

    I dont know, all I can say is that I used to smoke a # of years ago and once I quit I realized how selfish and arrogant it had made me and had to work hard to change.

    Smokers really dont get it how non smokers hate the smell of cigarette smoke and it really bothers them yet they will insist on smoking near them or smoke next to open windows or even in shuls and bathrooms and stink up a place. Smoking is a selfish habit and self destructive at the same time. Quit as soon as possible for your own sake.

    #786687

    Thanks I’m quit already for like 8 month :-), What your saying is that if you find out that the guy smokes but is not arrogant, aloof, selfish or has an attitude problem like most smokers I know do not have these traits then it would be ok to date them

    #786688

    real-brisker
    Member

    TLR – Pretty lame reason, are hyou going to say if one doesn’t want to date someone that has a health issue is creating more of a shidduch crisis?

    #786689

    Health
    Participant

    adorable – “I would quicker marry a guy with a physical disability rather than a smoker.”

    Would you prefer physically diasbled over an old, divorced guy or not? If yes, would you prefer a smoker over an old, divorced guy?

    #786690

    anonymisss
    Participant

    I wouldn’t mind a shidduch who is smoking!

    pba, lol!!!

    ~a~

    #786691

    hanib
    Participant

    an old, divorced guy?

    what’s old? if a 65 year old guy wants to marry a 40 year old woman, the 65 year old guy is old, but if he wants to marry a 60 year old, he’s not old. old, divorced guys can get remarried too if what they are looking for is reasonable and right for them.

    #786692

    adorable
    Participant

    health-

    dont get your point.

    #786693

    adorable
    Participant

    I still would never marry a smoker because of the practical part of it- he stinks and wastes tonz of money………

    #786695

    Legen-dary
    Member

    I dont like smokers necc..but I recently went out with a guy- ON A FIRST date and he asked if i mind smoking…i said not really, not in my face or car etc…lets just say by the end of that date he smoked like 5 cigarettes…men? cluless…watevs

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