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We have a 13 year old daughter. My wife feels that readers write section of the Yated is not appropriate for children being that there are adult related issues there. She says that if we have it in the house we shouldn’t leave it hanging around for her to read.
What do you do?
“We have a 13 year old daughter. My wife feels that readers write section of the Yated is not appropriate for children being that there are adult related issues there. She says that if we have it in the house we shouldn’t leave it hanging around for her to read.
What do you do? “
First of all, I would generally prefer to treat my daughter like an adult, and not stop her from reading a paper which is Jewish in nature. I probably would not stop her from reading any mainstream newspaper. I would however, hope that our relationship was sufficiently open and mutually trustworthy that she would feel comfortable in coming to me with any questions that might bother her about that which she has read. We cannot treat our kids like ostriches, and when we do, it backfires, as they end up feeling stifled. I do not read the Yated myself, so I am curious as to what could possibly be in there that would be objectionable. Maybe I misspeak out of ignorance. What is it in the Yated that you are afraid for her to see there?
What do you let her read? Sounds like she’s very limited, and is either not a big reader or reading stuff you may not know about.
I would suggest that you or your wife speak to your personal Rov, that way you can ask about your own situation and your own child. We don’t know you personally and really can only speak about ourselves, not for you.
My own Rov got the Yated and did not keep it under the bed hidden.
“My wife feels that readers write section of the Yated is not appropriate for children being that there are adult related issues there.”
Appropriate-what topics are you referring to exactly? Yated is a beautiful kosher newspaper & if you don’t think it’s appropriate then what is appropriate for her to read? The more you take a way from a teenager the more they want especially if it’s “adult related” Remember that she’ll be an adult one day to!!
According to Jewish law, she has been an adult for a year already. I’m not saying that you should treat her the same way you would treat a twenty-year-old, but just remember that even though she will always be your child, she is already well past the midpoint of her childhood and is steadily gaining in her ability to make decisions on her own and exercise her own judgment. I have a thirteen-year-old brother, and sometimes I have to consciously remind myself that he’s not a little kid anymore. I know it can be hard to acknowledge that children outgrow childhood, because he’ll always be “my little brother”, but at the same time he amazes me with his intelligence and maturity.
I can’t imagine what could possibly be in Yated that would be inappropriate for a thirteen-year-old. Nevertheless, if you are uncomfortable with her reading it, you have the right to take away that privilege. Just do her the courtesy of explaining in a rational way why you do not want her to read it. If she can understand what exactly is so objectionable about the content, she will be less likely to seek it out elsewhere, away from your watchful eye.
Maybe try another newspaper that doesn’t have readers write. how about Hamodia? There are a lot of articles she would enjoy in it and are more age appropriate. If she does read the yated at a friend’s house, than be open and prepared to speak with her about the issues, it is an opportunity for you to discuss and connect with your daughter, she is getting to the age where it is almost impossible to shelter them. but you can tell her how you feel about things. She is young and will respect how you feel about it.
My husband calls the readers write a “slow blog” people write in all sorts of nonsence anonymously, we laugh at some of these letters!
I am not expressing an opinion on the actual issue. I am in no sense an expert. However, please keep in mind that just as you would think twice before saying yes, think twice before saying no. These days, you really have to pick and choose where you say no. If you are firm and not wishy washy about what you believe in but on the other hand permit your daughter to do certain things that are allowed, she will appreciate that you care about her and will probably not rebel. However if you say no to everything, without thoroughly thinking about it, there is a good chance she will resent it.
“Al tihyeh tzaddik harbeh…”
“Heshy,” don’t push it.
re Heshy: and if the girl has older siblings she’ll know a bit about the shidduch insanity anyway. And as for questions, that’s the whole point!!!! Kids, and I include early teens, should know that there is a rich body of literature of hashkafa that, like so much of the body of knowledge they may or may not learn systematically, but it’s there, if needed.
Heshy’s wife has good company, many parents in my neck of the woods are so phobic. I have asked Rabbi Mechanic, who is the head of project chazon, to come speak to my daughter’s high school, he goes all over speaking to all types of yeshivos about hashkovah questions the kids love it. Unfortunately, he told me that he is not invited to the two BY high schools in my area. I guess there are some people that don’t want to give the kids too much to think and question about? He has haskomah from chashumvah rabbonim and has gone to speak at very frum BY type schools. I think there are girls that would really benefit from having him come speak, including the girl who wrote in to the readers write that BY girls are not allowed to ask questions, or they are too afraid, and only BT are allowed to ask.
Just wanted to add that the BY schools do not want him to come, although Rabbi Mechanic most definately would but they have said no.
Keep in mind, the issue you mentioned is not something that clearly wrong but something that, being thirteen, she doesnt neec to know about. I dont necessarilly agree with it but i do understand where youre coming from. but youre dealing with a teenager and if everything is forbidden than everything becomes allowed.
Just one question, what’s wrong with a thirteen year old knowing about the “Shidduchim crisis”. Why are you trying to shelter her from that?
Re Heshy, and your daughter and the parasha, and maybe “I will be one of them”: regardless of whether or not she ever sees Readers Write, what you have to start doing now is making sure her sense of self-worth is strong, and that regardless of her marital status, she can be a contributing member of klal Yisrael (something a well-run high school chessed program and family chessed can provide). This way she’ll never feel in crisis-mode. Sounds like you want what’s best for her, so I doubt this is any chiddush, but had to say it anyway.
It is obvious to me, Heshy, that this is your oldest daughter, am I correct? I used to be just like you, and have learned the hard way not to ossur everything in order to protect. The kids start really resenting it. And then when you REALLY need to say no about something they won’t listen anymore. By the way, don’t let her read Bina or Mishpacha magazine cause she’ll see more shidduch crisis, anorexia, and other troubles of klal yisroel, too much for her tender eyes to see. I am sorry I am being sarcastic but be VERY careful. ASK A ROV or a friend with older children that you respect, why should you just go to the computer to ask personal things involving YOUR child. We don’t know you or your daughter, who are we to give advice?
I don’t understand why a parent would not jump at the opportunity to converse with their child…
When you see the child reading the paper, ask their opinion, engage them you may be pleasantly surprised of how much they already know and that you as a family are doing a good job. On Shabbos afternoon when you are reading the paper show them other articles and discuss them. Wouldn’t you rather them hear from you what you deem appropriate and honest? How special she will feel when you include her and allow her to hear emes and not the shtuss from her friends on the playground.
All too often we make ossur things that we are fearful of. Maybe if we address it with chachma we will have less children leaving our derech because of their perceived untruths.
There are enough things that children/teens must be sheltered from. Don’t shelter them from things that are not necessary. It will just make it harder for them to deal with when they are confronted with the issue.
It reminds me of a joke about a father who never let his son see a girl. One time they were outside and the son saw a girl. He asked his father, “What is that?”
His father answered, “A katchka (chicken)”
The son said, “Ah, what a nice Katchka!”
I said it before, and I will say it again. Treat your teenager, your over bas-mitzvah age daughter, as an adult. Klal Yisroel does, and so shouold you. If you have brought her up properly and in an open, warm environment where she feels she can come to her parents with questions – what BETTER way to foster a two-way dialogue than to have her read this “controversial” paper and discuss it with you? I reiterate that I have not read the Yated, so if anyone wants to post a sample of what seems to be so bothersome, I would be interested in seeing it here.
oomis1105, I agree with you 100 % but would reiterate…
Why wait for the “child” to come to you with questions, why are you seemingly afraid to go to your child(ren) to ask them questions, get their opinions and learn where they are holding?! It is clear to me that many here don’t really even know their own children…
Where are the teens out there I for onw value your opinion on this, please weigh in…
Heshy: there is absolutely nothing wrong with the readers write, some of these issues may pertain to her in a couple of years
smalltowngirl: 100% right
Smalltowngirl, sometimes kids get put off by their parents “bringing things to their attention.” It’s often better to take thier lead from the child in question. That being siad, the mother or father COULD mention casually during dinner that they read something interesting in the paper, and ask if their child happened to read it, too, and begin a discussion. The idea is NOT to treat the subject with disdain or like it is taboo. And if it is a disgusting subject, it is a good object lesson for Torah values versus the shmutz in the outside world.
For those not familiar with the Readers Write, here are some topic headers from last week (don’t have time to type the letters here..)
THE TORTURE OF BEING SINGLE
THE IRRESPONSIBLILITY OF CREATIN OBAMA FEAR IN OUR CHILDREN
ANSWERING OUR CHILDREN’S HASHKOFA QUESTIONS
WANT TO BE MY SON’S SHVIGGER?
THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF YOUNG ISRAEL
WRITE THE MAIDEN NAME
very dangerous for young minds to read….
Heshy, You are Blessed! How wonderful for you to initiate the conversation with your daughter! May you continue to have many more conversations with your children as they grow in Torah and Mitzvos!
Re Heshy: no relation.
as i have stated alredy these issues may pertain to this mature girl of 13 in just a couple of years
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