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How and when do you decide that a specific person is “the right one”?
for a shidduch?
they say it just happens
If your goals and hashkafos are compatible, and you are not repulsed by his/her looks, then it is the right one.
err……… umm………well…………. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
for a dinner party?
Follow your instincts. And remember that its real life not a movie, there’s no music and special effects. Be realistic.
When you cannot envision your future without him/her and can easily see this person being the father/mother to your children, that’s probably a good indication.
for a business deal?
for a ride?
for a job?
to teach, for what? there are a lot of right ones…be more specific
I like Jothar’s teretz the best.
when you see it ain’t the wrong one! 😉
Talk to your Rav.
And cherrybim’s.
… meaning, I like cherrybim’s teretz as well.
(Wasn’t clear I was continuing from my previous comment.)
OK, I’ll start.
I found the “right one” very early in my life. I was eighteen years old and once I met Eeees, I knew she was the right one. We both knew within three weeks that it wasn’t a matter of “if” we get married but a matter of when.
Mybat says that there’s no music and no special effects — and I suppose he’s right about that. When I met Eeees, it was under very ordinary circumstances*. And yet, when I did, it just felt… right. I’m not sure it’s something I can put into words.
The Wolf
* When I first met my father-in-law, it was under very unusual circumstances. The first time I met my father-in-law was when he was sitting shiva for his father. I think the fact that I was willing to meet him for the first time under such circumstances impressed him.
wrong one , right one, who knows I think it takes years to know if you really got the right one.
Don’t sit around waiting for fireworks to go off on your head- maybe that happens for some people, but it didn’t happen for me or anyone I know. In any event, I know a lot of people get really frustrated hearing this, but I’m going to say it anyway- you just KNOW.
Also, there are a million and one ways to know someone’s the WRONG one, so be aware and keep your flight instinct in good working order.
and, this is in shidduchim isn’t it?
In my case, it was not. We were both too young for shidduchim — and when I hear about some of the craziness that goes on in the shidduch world, I thank HKBH for sparing me from all that.
The Wolf
WolfishMusings-
It’s a two way street.
I wasn’t spared “from all that” and I appreciate my wife much more because of how hard she was to find.
I wasn’t spared “from all that” and I appreciate my wife much more because of how hard she was to find.
I’m sure you meant that you appreciate your wife more than you would have if you had not gone through the shidduch process — and not that you appreciate your wife more than I do mine, right? 🙂
In any event, it’s a personal thing. If that’s what causes you to appreciate your wife and enhance your shalom bayis and relationship — then all the more power to you.
The Wolf
The Wold- you were really lucky. Not everyone gets it so easy, it’s a special bracha.
Believe me, I’m *well* aware of that.
The Wolf (Wold????)
It is important to have some “chemistry” with the person, but you can also have chemistry with someone who is wrong for you. You should not allow attraction and emotionality to cloud your thinking.
Look at each person as an individual and try to “see” yourself with him/her. Don’t look at trivialities like “Is he a good dresser?”, and other such external things. Those can and will change. Sounds trite but, look for good middos like consideration, generosity, sensitivity and respect for others, a willingness to admit when he/she is wrong. Can you respect his/her beliefs and practices? And do they agree with your own world outlook? Those are the real things that matter in a marriage.
If you see the things you are looking for in a spouse, can imagine yourself married to that person, and can imagine having that person be the mother/father of your children, then you have a good basis for your decision. The rest (fireworks/emotionality) will follow.
That’s my advice. You can take it for what it’s worth!
Sorry Wolf- that was a mistake
I know… I’m just teasing. No offense was taken.
The Wold 🙂
Look at his character and at his personality. That’s what you live with every day.
Wolf: I’m a she. 🙂
that’s why there is so much divorces by the goyim, they meet each other they feel something and get married, once the feeling is gone they get divorced
goody, actually the real reason is because none of them realize that the most important thing is what ames said (if you look between her jokes, you’ll find one serious post – the one I am referring to).
Wolf: I’m a she. 🙂
Ah, sorry about that. My apologies.
The Wolf
Squeak: Ames was either quoting or she was mechavein to the daas of a gadol, R’ Avigdor Miller z”tzl: “More important than finding the right one, is to be the right one.”
Either way you, and she, are correct.
Ames: It’s just a fact, ma’am. But I’m glad to have made you feel happy!
I have been thinking what to write, what advise to give you so you can find the right one, there is no secret formula, there is no magic, there is nothing you can do to be certain but one thing is the best advise and the only one in our hands is Tefillah may Hashem guide you to the right one.
No prob wolf!
Ames and NY mom what you say really makes a a lot of sense! You have just inspired me!:)
yeah but how do you know this is the one Hashem is sending you tolive your life with?
Amein to that, Mazca!
Wow mazca your on a roll! 😉
random question
In light of the conversation, I’d say that the question is anything but random. 🙂
The Wolf
Ames I know you in my real life through CR or are you fake?.
And to know if a person got the right one, like I said before you will never know. In my mind I always wonder what if…I decided for the other one. It is a question we will always have for the rest of our lives. everybody if you are sincere with yourself, that is why Hashem is the only one that knows, and he should guide us.
Shortly I met the woman who would become my wife, I heard a shadchan speak. He said his job had become much more difficult in the last 20 years, since people started giving him a shopping list: “I want a man over six feet tall, with a full head of hair, definitely not a republican, etc. . . . “
He said this had made his job much more difficult, since people a priori excluded so many possible matches, giving him a much smaller pool to choose from.
He also made the point that most successful shidduchim before that time were people that the two parties would not have selected, given a list of characteristics beforehand.
I heard him talk, and said to myself, at least I am not like that, I don’t have a shopping list. But still, I decided to be more open-minded and try to do away with the few preconceptions I had.
Whether I did or not is unclear, but a few weeks later, I met my intended, now my wife. I knew after a week or two that she was meant for me, and within a month I knew we would eventually marry. It was just a feeling I had, she felt right, and everything felt right.
But, if you had presented her to me as a list of attributes ahead of time — well, she’s short, she’s from Russia, and a few other things I would have perhaps nixed.
But, she also has kindness and compassion, love and an infectious laugh, and a bounty of other things that make up for the attributes I didn’t much care for.
So, here is my special formula:
1. Listen to a famous shadhan speak.
2. Laugh at the shadchan’s advice, and believe that it doesn’t really apply to you.
3. Go out and meet the right person.
We have been married almost five weeks now, and they said it wouldn’t last.
Ames that is a personal question and I can’t answer, sorry!;)
I agree with NY Mom. I also think it’s a good idea to see how the other person interacts with his or her family members. That can give you a lot of insight into the real person. I do not necessarily agree with Jothar, that if the hashkafos are compatible and the person’s looks do not repulse you, that’s the one. I hope Jothar, you were speaking tongue in cheek. Of course, that only means that person has the POTENTIAL to be The One. There are at least 100 guys I knew who had similar hashkafos to mine, and weren’t repulsive, and ONLY my husband was the right one for me. Not being repulsed by their looks, is not exactly a ringing endosement.
If you wait for the ringing, it may never come.
I think I actually know Ames in real life!
Oh and mazca of course. Hey! Since the cats out of the bag, I know everyones secret identity here in the CR! But shhh don’t tell anyone TOP SECRET! I don’t want to get in trouble with the mods!;)
This is for anyone who is dating & fears they might fall head over heels,
for perhaps the wrong reasons.
ames said; “So here’s my question. If you meet someone, and there is music and special effects, does that mean he/she is the wrong one?”
It might very well be so! There has to be clarity before you decide if it’s for you.
I unfortunately know ppl who didn’t have clarity & ended up getting messed up.
don’t ask!
ames, for example (assuming ur a girl), maybe the guy is very handsome,
a sharp dresser, etc. you might be intoxicated with his looks & manner,
and not be tuned in so much as to his hashkafas, even though he’s not as frum as you.
He might be a smooth talker, but he’s really full of hot air & you cant tell cuz
ur not focused, or he might act very considerate when he’s actually, a selfish person.
When one hears bells etc.. they’re probably in la la land, for whatever
superficial or real reasons. If this were the case I would suggest extra caution.
It should be disscussed w/ an experienced mentor. Also talking with a “real” close friend that is 100% impartial, might help put thing in perspective.
I suggest anyone who’s in this situation to take a (nice) few days break
in between dating to reevaluate all that you know so far,
& doing some soul-searching to get to the true reasons of why you feel
the way you do about this person when in their presence & when not.
DO NOT Listen to the Shadchan Drei-kopping you, pressuring you to make a
decision. Also don’t fall for when the shadchan tells you how deeply in love
the boy is with you. You job is to determine what you’re feelings are about the boy.
The fact that he is crazy about you,
1) might be an exaggeration (or not a fact at all)
2) should in no way make you choose something that your not happy with.
This is getting heavy.
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