Things people in the CR find offensive

haifagirl,

when should they start calling someone an “older single”

I don’t believe anyone is an older single before they are 30.

If you aren’t old enough to learn kaballah*, you aren’t old enough to complain about who was called out 40 days before you were born.

*Popa is clearly not old enough to learn kaballah or nigleh, v’duk.

I’m pretty sure 40 is the cutoff for learning kabbalah.

Dy and squeak,

I was getting at that

Don’t you find it offensive that unmarried people are called “singles” as if it defines them?

I believe that it’s all relative…. I’m single and nearing my 22nd birthday, and although many of my friends are already purchasing double strollers, I do not consider myself to be old! However…. When my 19 year old co-workers (who were my campers a few years back) walk in sporting sheitels, I do feel old in a sense…

and when I see my co-workers who are in their mid-thirties and are still single, my perspective obviously changes….

As far as what is actually considered an “older” single, I can completely understand why someone in haifagirl’s place is offended by 23 being labeled as older! in my opinion, “older” is not before 25… Yet in defense of those 23 year olds, as young as they are in comparison to the singles in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, they are also in a challenging position… Although they are young, have a whole life ahead of them, and should really just have a little “patience”, we should be mindful of the fact that they have been in shidduchim for the last 4-5 years. No, it hasn’t been 20 years. But every girl enters shidduchim with the same anxious butterflies and hope for their future… some marry the first guy, some get lots of dates, some get dates here and there, some go on dates every week and just can’t find the one, and some wait and wait by the silent phone for months- and then years… Each year that passes makes the heart a little heavier. These 23 year olds are not “old”, but they have spent the last 4-5 years attending vort after vort and wedding after wedding, 4-5 years of planning friends’ bridal showers, 4-5 years of frustration and heartache… eventually the questions of “when” turn into the question of “if” they’ll merit to meet their intended and start their own homes… bH, I am not personally feeling a sense of despair because believe that when the time is right for me, it will happen. but I do know girls that are in their young 20’s and are the only ones left of their circle of friends… and they are losing hope.

I am not trying to undermine the pain of haifagirl and others in her situation! I just want to point out that as new as us young ones are to this struggle, the struggle is still there, as is the fear of the unknown…

May all of klal yisroel be zoche to their personal yeshuos bmheira b’yomainu!

Don’t you find it offensive that unmarried people are called “singles” as if it defines them?

Just as offensive as married people being called “husband”, “wife”, or “couples” as if it defines them. We’re talking about their marital status, what else are you supposed to say?

I thought this was a list of things people found offensive . Not another thread on the shidduch crisis ….

DaasYochid, it might not make sense to us that one would get frustrated over this innocent terminology… But I do understand why someone over the age of 40 would be pained by the idea that a 23 year old is being called “older” …and although no offense was ever intended by all the innocent people, i think it’s ok for one to express how hearing this affects them. we all need a little venting time, no?

we all need a little venting time, no?

I dont like when people take out their frustrations, even justified ones, on the innocent. Is it okay if I vent about that?

I am offended by double strollers. Often. Sidewalks are just not wide enough for them and me.

Squeak, I am offended by your attempts to pass double strollers on the sidewalk. (Sorry, I just needed to vent.)

Well I take umbrage with those who misunderstand my usage of the word offend. Gotta be real specific with this crowd.

And yes, I’ve also been offended by toddlers walking by, but no one mentioned toddlers until now. While we’re expanding the list, lets add homeless folks, push wagons, bikes, skateboarders, and the occassional distracted (woman) driver.

There is only one thing I find offensive or have ever found offensive in the CR, and that is one poster being mean-spirited and unkind to another. I don’t like bullies. We can agree to disagree about any number of subjects (including shidduchim), but there is never any call to insult or hurt someone’s feelings. Words can hurt and scar, even anonymously.And though some people are more thin-skinned than others, I am pretty certain that only the most ignorant person would be seriously unaware that what he or she has said to someone is uncalled-for.

haifagirl,

usually children call people whatever their parents call them,

i have a friend who i call by his first name in front of my children and my oldest child calls him that too (not sure if its in front of him though)

IME, in the Chareidi/Jewish world adult women are very infrequently called girls, and it is wrong to call them that IMO.

About “older” singles, I think any age above the higher end of that particular communities general marriage age range qualifies for that term. A chosid might be called that by 22. For a yeshivish fellow that might be 25. For a member of the MO community it could be 28. And for a gentile it would be higher.

Dear, haifagirl you are correct they should address you based on your age and not by your marital status, but this is just human nature I am not excusing this it is wrong, but people will not change. I have found that one will not be happy if they allow society to define who they are, define yourself as long as you know you are an adult living a worthy life then the heck with them, and if it truly bothers you then tell so and so my name is Miss haifagirl not blank maybe they will get the hint maybe not. Hatzlocha.

haifagirl, I hear where you’re coming from, and I have a related question for you. Have you ever heard someone in a social setting introduce themselves as Ms. So and So? And I’ve heard women call a store/business and give their name as Mrs. XYZ but never Ms. XYZ…

I once heard a teenager calling her aunt (mid 30’s) by her first name only and it bugged me a little, but it seems to be standard among the younger crowd.

Welcome back 🙂

*kapusta*

haifagirl – I don’t agree. Obviously it depends on the situation (a twenty-year-old should not introduce herself to a middle aged person as “Miss”, for example), however, if somebody introduces themselves as Mr/Mrs/Miss etc, that is evidently how they wish to be addressed, and it is usually appropriate. I have only heard older people introducing themselves to younger people in this fashion.

One thing people find offensive is me 😉

I agree, Ivory. I also get offended (as most of you have heard many times) when people complain about things that happen in their communities and state it as a world wide Jewish issue, such as, “frum people are so . . .” or “BY school always . . .” Not only is it disrespectful to all the other Jewish communities and institutions, it’s just plain inaccurate. And since it’s usually negative, it’s serious motzei shem ra.

Haifagirl: I absolutely see your point about the name thing. My mom (who was an older single and whose close friends were older singles as I was growing up) always referred to all of her friends by first name, whether they were married or single, in order to prevent any disparity. She felt that Miss Plonit was stuffy and that we had our own aunts and uncles, so for her this was the best solution. And it worked- the only reason why I referred to my mom’s friend ever as Mrs Plonit was because she was also my classmate’s mom. And now that all of my mother’s friends are married we’re still on a first name basis.