March 23, 2009 2:20 am at 2:20 am #589631skatesMember
What are productive topics or issues that should be discussed on a date that will help the boy and girl see if they are suited for each other?March 30, 2009 1:43 am at 1:43 am #672975torahtzivaMember
1st and 2nd date is just stam shmoozing just to see if in any way it is a possible match. Then is business…March 30, 2009 4:36 am at 4:36 am #672976JewessMember
Habits. Life. Goals. Work.
Don’t scare off date on the first date with specific plans for the future and don’t be too self centered in the conversation. If you feel that it is a one sided conversation and you’re doing most of the talking, ask your date about his/her habits, life, goals, work 🙂March 30, 2009 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #672977I. M. HereMember
If all else fails, there’s always the weather 🙂March 30, 2009 2:58 pm at 2:58 pm #672978
you should talk about this weeks parshahMarch 30, 2009 3:27 pm at 3:27 pm #672979JayMatt19Participant
Why do I get the feeling that until now, all comments have been made by singles?March 30, 2009 3:33 pm at 3:33 pm #672980Mrs. BeautifulMember
A good topic is ur day to day routine, school, dorm life etc.March 30, 2009 3:42 pm at 3:42 pm #672981JotharMember
Weather. Politics. Walk around instead of sitting down.March 30, 2009 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #672982oomisParticipant
Talk about the things you really hate about shidduch dating. That ought to keep you busy for a while! 😉March 30, 2009 4:30 pm at 4:30 pm #672983charlie brownMember
talk about the CR of course! 🙂March 30, 2009 4:51 pm at 4:51 pm #672984
oomis, lol! I once told a guy on a date that dating makes no sense and I’m going to start arranging singles events. He was literally ROTFL!
~a~March 30, 2009 5:07 pm at 5:07 pm #672985Mrs. BeautifulMember
charlie brown, i wouldnt embarrass myself that way.March 30, 2009 7:57 pm at 7:57 pm #672986
Your average 19 to 24 year old does not have major “goals” other than: get married, have children, learn/get a job. Whatever job the girl is at now- she doesn’t plan to change (other than becoming a mom & some drop the job). Unless a boy is in college, you know what his goals are.
After all- YOU ARE NOT DATING YOUR CHAVRUSA ;);)March 30, 2009 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #672987NobodyMember
A general conversation is always safe because if you have something in common it will natually develop into something more interesting and if not you will find the conversation even in general terms stifled.
However even if the first date does not go down too well, please try again because very often on the first date both guys and girls are nervous or trying too hard. So give it another go, you never know…..
Good luck to all those looking for a shidduch and may this Bain Hazmanim bring many simchas.March 30, 2009 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #672988
god, you people are so serious? it that honestly what you talk about??March 30, 2009 8:13 pm at 8:13 pm #672989
moish- we date so that we can find our bashert, not to hang outMarch 30, 2009 8:34 pm at 8:34 pm #672991
hey my last post didn’t make it. ok rephrase: um… isn’t it normal for people to stam talk? my parents aren’t all that serious when they talk to each other. at least not in front of us, they aren’t. you people marry based on a goal? that’s a little crazy – how about personality?
mind you, i’m blank about this stuff. no older siblings or anything either.March 30, 2009 8:47 pm at 8:47 pm #672992
Moish has a point. Besides you can learn a lot from a person on how they talk in just some random conversation rather than in some really serious conversation.March 30, 2009 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #672994
aussie- it’s not that serious, it’s called Focused; So that you’re not wasting time on a (sometimes) lost cause. Plus- it’s not encouraged to stam shmooz with a strange girl 😉March 30, 2009 8:55 pm at 8:55 pm #672995
I always wondered more than what to talk about, how do you start a conversation?March 30, 2009 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #672996JewessMember
Moish, you don’t TALK about personality, you sense a person’s personality when on a date. Yes, goals are important. You don’t marry based solely on a goal, but hey, you gotta know you’re both on the same page.
Areivim…I hope you’re kidding.
I personally don’t believe you PLAN what to discuss on a date, but there are things that do and should get discussed and goals are definitely one of them, if you’re both dating for marriage. Work goals, family goals, life goals…absolutely.March 30, 2009 9:07 pm at 9:07 pm #672997
i dunno – let me know when you go on a shidduch date and tell me how it goes 😉 you’re before me, aussie.March 30, 2009 9:20 pm at 9:20 pm #672998
obviously not. i dunno – don’t you talk like it’s a regular friend? i can’t pinpoint what i talk to my friends about. just whatever comes up, no? i never actually had a full fledged conversation with a stranger so i can’t really say.March 31, 2009 12:26 am at 12:26 am #673000
well, isn’t every person a stranger at some point in time? Or did you know every person that you know now since you were born?
~a~March 31, 2009 1:09 am at 1:09 am #673001
anonymisss: Usually when you meet someone new it is not some random person who you decide to go to a lounge somewhere and talk for 2-3 hours. You meet them through working, school, or other freinds.March 31, 2009 1:35 am at 1:35 am #673002
and you are not usually forced (meaning you don’t have the option of just leaving) to make conversation with one other person (not in a group setting or anything).March 31, 2009 1:36 am at 1:36 am #673003
The place where both of you decide to on the Shidduch sets the tenor. Zoos and Kosher Ice Cream Parlors (for example) are public fun places to meet. Keep the first meetings relaxed (no longer then an hour and a half) by concentrating on getting to know the other person, asking about their individual family essentially their growing up experience. Do not talk about marriage goals at this time (save this for later meetings if this is the case), personal chemistry is more important. Do I feel comfortable around the other person, if you have doubts talk to your Rav. or the Shadchan whether to proceed or end the Shidduch.March 31, 2009 2:00 am at 2:00 am #673004
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about the parsha, you could talk about beur teffila. Bitul torah is out of the option. It’s only muttar after you get married for shalom bayis.March 31, 2009 2:24 am at 2:24 am #673005
aussie, do you mean to say that you usually have something in common when you meet? If yes, then I hear that, you do have a point.
~a~March 31, 2009 4:34 am at 4:34 am #673006
anonymiss- You may not have something in common, but after the first couple of meetings will determine if there is any kind of Personal Chemistry. Give the other person a chance, and do not make any kind of decision until the two of you have had a Civil Conversation, and probed each others mind. After two or three meetings both of you will have a clearer understanding as far proceeding or ending the Shidduch. Never rush a Shidduch let it unfold naturally in it`s own time and way.March 31, 2009 4:49 am at 4:49 am #673008
head in the sand, sorry but that sounds ridiculous. i half expect you to say that it’s assur to marry a woman who might cause you to do bittul torah…
anonymisss, and you’re not forced to have a one to one conversation for however long. it’s more chilled and there are other people around.March 31, 2009 12:09 pm at 12:09 pm #673009
moish01: yeah, that’s what i was saying (the 2nd point)March 31, 2009 6:20 pm at 6:20 pm #673011shaatraMember
Skates: hobbies, the future, family…March 31, 2009 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #673012mepalMember
head in the sand: keep your head there.March 31, 2009 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #673013
moish- the bottom line is: being that your date is a stranger and is not familiar with you yet, you need to have various topics to open conversation (so that future conversations can be more relaxed, as you said)March 31, 2009 7:13 pm at 7:13 pm #673014
mepal- my thoughts exactly 😉March 31, 2009 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #673015
well, i’m outta this thread. don’t know why i’m butting in if i have nothing to do with this stuff anyway. maybe i’ll come back in a few years (how about ten, areivim…?)March 31, 2009 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #673016
by the way, i thought people like him are called “head in the clouds.” why sand? (maybe take this to the other thread about your screen name…)March 31, 2009 7:21 pm at 7:21 pm #673017
head in the clouds is someone that’s a dreamer/not realistic
head in the sand is someone close minded/naiveMarch 31, 2009 7:21 pm at 7:21 pm #673018
moish- the bottom line is: being that your date is a stranger and is not familiar with you yet, you need to have various topics to open conversation (so that future conversations can be more relaxed, as you said)
head over to the humor thread for a joke relating to thisApril 1, 2009 12:44 am at 12:44 am #673019
areivim: i thought “head in the sand” meant in denial, avoiding reality like an ostrich??April 1, 2009 1:40 am at 1:40 am #673020
AOB, i can’t believe you just helped me get a joke from a looooong time ago. maybe over a year ago. don’t even remember who said it and what they said exactly. wow i can’t believe it.April 1, 2009 2:42 am at 2:42 am #673021
Who cares what it means? Either way, ames is much in agreement that shallow talk is unacceptable and is surely an excellent gauge as to how much a guy is machshiv torah.April 1, 2009 6:43 am at 6:43 am #673022
I think this thread is about to become the second, “Date a girl or your chavrusah” thread.
Very true. Let’s keep this on topic, what are good conversation topics for dates?April 1, 2009 6:44 am at 6:44 am #673023
head in the sand: Most guys are not going to go on a date and start talking about a dvar torah they heard in shiur that day, or a question that they came up with. Its 2009 and while you may not like it people talk about random things that have nothing to do with torah. We are not rishonim and achronim and we dont learn every second of every day and you shouldnt expect people to be either.April 1, 2009 8:05 am at 8:05 am #673026
The first time people meet on a Shidduch I think is a time for (light talk) talking about their biological families. So that the two of you can get to know who you are talking to at a more personal level. Meaning talk (in a polite and courteous manner) about where you were born, where you were educated (Cheder, Bais Yaakov, Secular Elementary- High School) Your Life Story…Talk about your Parents, Siblings, Dod, Dodah, Saba, Safta, Nechadim… Keep it light without talking about goals and future Marriage Plans at this point. There is a tacit understanding why you decided to go out and meet, so no need to state the obvious. I think the purpose of the first meeting is to determine if you want the potential Shidduch to advance.April 1, 2009 8:56 am at 8:56 am #673027
How about talking about things happening in the world, hobbies, intrests, stuff like that.April 1, 2009 10:24 am at 10:24 am #673028
ab- Fantastic this is good, this is about who we are which helps both people understand each other better.April 1, 2009 8:21 pm at 8:21 pm #673029
Not overdoing divrei torah on a date does not mean you are not machshiv torah. A girl does not sit and learn gemara and is most likely not interested in your Rosh Yeshiva’s shiur of the day. I am not saying that a girl wouldn’t appreciate it. I am saying that a date is not the time to share shiurim. End.
A 1st or 2nd date is a time to get to know one another, as yankdownunder said very well.
PS- i had mentioned: a (few?) small dvar/divrei torah is/are ok because it fits in and is enjoyable, without being too heavy. You don’t want to create a very concentrated atmosphere. If you’re discussing something deep that you have in common is another story altogether….April 1, 2009 9:19 pm at 9:19 pm #673030
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