to life to life . . .lchayim?

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  • #598474

    Seahorse
    Member

    I’m scared I’ll never get married 🙁 . . .and it stinks b/c I know I’d make a great wife/mom. But I’ve been heartbroken before and I don’t know if I have it in me to keep going through this process. Maybe some of us weren’t meant for happy ever afters??

    #798437

    Peacemaker
    Member

    How old are you?

    #798438

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Do not give up, no matter how discouraged you feel. Dating can wreak havoc on a person’s self esteem. Build yourself up. Make sure you feel good about yourself, because then you will be more likely to choose someone who will be good to you and for you. Find friends who are in a similar stage to you, so you don’t feel alone. My closest friends married young. I met my “new” best friend at a shabbos table, and she’s become my closest friend ever since. My other close friends remain that way, but I added her to the pot. In fact, she and I met and married our husbands within two months of each other, after two years of being best friends and bemoaning the heartaches and hardships of dating, together. Lol!

    #798439

    Never give up! Of course you’ll get married. You’ll go much farther with a good attitude than with a depressed one. Just daven and believe that Hashem has your best interests in mind. Maybe take on a chessed or something that will give you extra zchusim

    #798440

    Daven, do good for others and stop feeling sorry for yourself

    #798441

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Everyone is meant for happily ever after’s. It just depends if you have the courage to keep fighting for it or not.

    Take a short break, if you need (consult a rav first to be sure it’s recommended), to get perspective. Ask yourself and friends or relatives what they think the hold-up is. Are you being matched with people who are not what you’re looking for?? Are you what they are looking for? The clues may be in the answers to those questions. I was scared to commit, and so, found fault with everyone I was set up with. I also spent time trying to live up to an image I wanted to project to others, that I wasn’t ready for (marrying someone who wanted to learn full time). I have friends who are amazing girls, who aim for the stars, but don’t see their own issues. I’ve seen obese men insist on wanting only super skinny girls, older women wanting only younger looking men, women who pay no attention to their appearance wanting men who pay attention to theirs. Women who are modern saying they’ll meet with someone who’s VERY yeshivish. They had no clue why things weren’t working. Be brave and honest with yourself. It’s a sign of maturity. It’s an awful stage, but it too will pass. You do have a match out there for you. By the way, some women who I know who dated for a while and then married are some of the happiest people I met out there. It’s not when you marry, it’s who you marry.

    #798442

    mom12
    Participant

    Being positive and having a positive outlook is definitely the way to go!

    May I add some suggestions.. Firstly- give in. Realize you will not find EXACTLY what you are looking for. BUT you do have to make sure you can live with these ‘faults’.

    Secondly- a lot of girls and boys are afraid o open up and show who and what they realy are causing the date to be dropped cuz either person was afraid to ‘invest’. In case it wont work out the other person will know too much about me etc…

    no matter what, something has to be investd. GOOD LUCK

    #798443

    Health
    Participant

    Seahorse – To me; I can’t understand the idea of people giving up. I know many men and women, who weren’t even married one time and have given up. WHY???????

    I doubt I’ll ever give up, for my second time, even if it looks bleak!

    #798444

    Seahorse
    Member

    thanks everyone for the advice. I am in my early twenties. I’ve already had 1 broken engagement which was a very embarrassing experience, so I am just very jaded about dating now. I thought I knew him very well, but I really didn’t know him at all. I’ve been on 7-8 dates since, but haven’t really felt anything for these men. I finally just met someone new who seems to be what I have been looking for, but he lives out of the country, lol!

    Mommia22: thanks for all the advice! I did actually recently become closer with a friend who is also dating still and my age.

    I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just came here for support mikehall12832.

    #798445

    WIY
    Member

    Seahorse

    This may sound like obvious advice, but the key to not getting hurt is to get to know a lot about the person through conversation PRIOR to engagement. Most people don’t get to know their Chassan/Kallah until after they are engaged. Talk about all the things that you think are vitally necessary to know about the other person. You could find out what he likes to eat after the engagement lol.

    #798446

    Another name
    Participant

    Seahorse, I’m sorry that you had to go through such a difficult experience. It’s hard to return to the dating scene, especially after thinking that you were about to settle down for your bnb. Just remember you only need one guy to get married. Make sure you know what you want this time around (what’s important to you), look for those qualities when you are dating, and don’t settle for anything less.

    Much hatzlacha! You are always welcome here for support 🙂

    #798447

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Better to find out before the wedding than after.

    I respectfully disagree with WIY.

    There are quite a few times that “conversation” will not highlight a person’s temper, rigidity, and stinginess as much as wedding planning will…..

    As they say, you can thank him for the lessons he’s taught you and for making you one closer to your basherte…

    #798448

    Seahorse
    Member

    WIY, I definitely agree with you, and perhaps more time was needed to learn about each other. However, unfortunately, am yisrael chai makes a true statement – wedding planning is a large part of what brought out a lot of the weaknesses in the relationship. Perhaps I seem naive, but love is no easy thing!!! Look at all the divorces/broken engagements/unhappy marriages of today. I pray I know enough now to find that happy bliss that comes from a happy marriage, but it’s not easy to find someone frum in this crazy world. A good man seems hard to find, unless I quit my job and just go find him? Seems risky to me 🙁

    #798449

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Definitely keep your job 🙂

    Just remember that the most important quality to look for is midos. You were lucky that it came out before marriage and you had the strength to do something about it. If you speak to some of the divorced people you mention, many will say that they saw something during engagement & but went through with the plans anyway.

    #798450

    WIY
    Member

    Seahorse

    “but it’s not easy to find someone frum in this crazy world.”

    Maybe im making a snap judgement but it seems like frumkeit played a major role in the split. I agree that its hard to find genuinely frum people today. Im just wondering, what was it in his frumkeit that turned you off?

    #798451

    Seahorse
    Member

    davening, learning, & shmirat eynayim

    #798452

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    seahorse,

    my sister didn’t get married until she was 26, my wife didn’t get married to me until she was 23

    everyone has their own time

    #798453

    WIY
    Member

    Seahorse

    Wait, you mean you first realized after getting engaged that he doesn’t Daven learn or have shmiras eynayim? (For the record shmiras eynayim on the streets are extremely difficult and some guys have a harder time than others, so as a wife you will have to understand that and realize its a constant battle one which you will never comprehend and its not your job to mind his eyes, unless you mean willfully looking at pritzus like looking at magazines, movies…)

    #798454

    amichai
    Participant

    keep yourself busy with other hobbies also. may we hear good news soon.

    #798455

    Seahorse
    Member

    thanks amichai.

    WIY – It’s complicated. Also, during dating, people put on their best acts. Truth sometimes doesn’t creep in till people are not trying to ‘impress’ anymore. And as far as shmirat eynayim, I do not mean just on the streets lol . . . if only that were the biggest problem today!

    #798457

    adorable
    Participant

    I tot understand you and the only advice I can offer you is to stay busy and wait around for the right for the right guy to come around. I have a friend who had a key chain “waiting for the right guy to come around, until then hanging out with the wrong guys.”

    #798459

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Having a broken engagement can be heartbreaking, but it’s also possibly a good sign. First of all, it’s much more common than you think. Second, you took a chance to get engaged, that’s practice, if nothing else. Take it from someone with a fear of commitment; better to take a chance on someone, than never on anyone. Instead of looking at it from a perspective of pain, trauma, fear of being hurt again, try to refocus on how you can gain from the experience. Allow it to help you improve your ability to notice relevant information beforehand. Be determined to keep on going, and to weed out what you need to ask beforehand, either of the shadchan, or of your prospective mate once on the date. We often fear asking direct questions of others for fear we’ll scare them off, but if the answer can end the match, better to ask it, and get it out of the way. You’re feeling down and doubtful about your future won’t last forever. You just have to ride out this tough time, and keep on going.

    #798460

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    Be willing to go out with someone like Lazer Wolf (a widower), and otherwise be less (I hate the word) picky, and Bezras Hashem you will find someone.

    You have the right to be picky. Just be aware it may cost you a shidduch. That is your choice.

    (I’ve posted on this many times before, others have disagreed)

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/a-third-of-litvish-families-i-know-have-one-or-more-single-daughters-25-and-up#post-263431

    #798461

    kapusta
    Participant

    Look at all the divorces/broken engagements/unhappy marriages of today.

    Look at how many people are happily married today? Its not everyone, but its many.

    A broken engagement makes it no harder for Hashem to get him to you. This may also be a good time to daven that he, (whoever, wherever he is) has Siyata Dishmaya in his Avodas Hashem in general and in the specific areas you found were problematic the last time around.

    Please let us know when there is a Mazal Tov.

    Hatzlacha

    *kapusta*

    #798462

    Health
    Participant

    GAW -“Be willing to go out with someone like Lazer Wolf (a widower)”

    And a Divorcee!

    #798463

    shein
    Member

    Who is Lazer Wolf?

    #798464

    Health
    Participant

    shein – A rich butcher who was henpecked even when his wife was dead!

    #798465

    Another name
    Participant

    gavra_at_work & Health, you are right of course, but most people like to believe that they are “above” certain stigma, and deserve only the best. In reality, everyone has a skeleton in the closet. Daters should try to judge each situation individually.

    #798466

    mommamia22
    Participant

    There are three mains (listed on the aish website) for an appropriate shidduch: attraction, midos, and way of life (hashkafa). Everything else is unimportant. Let me give you an example. Both my sister’s husband and my first cousin lost their jobs right before marrying. Many women wouldn’t even date a man like that. Both couples are now happily married after many years, bli ayin hara. I thought about those three things in light of my current situation and realized one wasn’t there and the second was “iffy”. I think those are good guidelines to follow, not to get lost in long laundry lists of wishes.

    #798467

    Seahorse
    Member

    I find it difficult to find someone with the same hashkafa as me . . . is it necessary to be on the same exact wavelength religiously or could you get married and then grow together and find some common ground where you’re both comfortable?

    Also, while I understand one shouldn’t be too picky, I don’t get all this Lazer Wolf talk . . . the man was like twice Tzeitel’s age!!!!

    #798468

    Health
    Participant

    Seahorse -“I find it difficult to find someone with the same hashkafa as me . . . is it necessary to be on the same exact wavelength religiously or could you get married and then grow together and find some common ground where you’re both comfortable?”

    It’s almost impossible to do the latter.

    “Also, while I understand one shouldn’t be too picky, I don’t get all this Lazer Wolf talk . . . the man was like twice Tzeitel’s age!!!!”

    See the topic in the CR titled:

    “Who wants to be a Tzadaikes like Rus?”

    #798469

    adorable
    Participant

    what should i do if today I dont feel like I want to get married anymore…. Im just so busy and now I have to stick dating into my life and its always back and forth about times and days…. i just dont have patience!!!!!!!

    #798470

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    what should i do if today I dont feel like I want to get married anymore…. Im just so busy and now I have to stick dating into my life and its always back and forth about times and days…. i just dont have patience!!!!!!!

    You have no Mitzva to get married, so no need to push. Trust Hashem that when you are ready, the right one will arrive.

    #798471

    adorable
    Participant

    well if I dont date because Im to in the mood then how can the right one come around?!?!?!

    #798472

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Some hashkafic differences are make it or break it issues, others are not. I wanted to live in Israel. I believed we should live in Israel, rabbeim told me not to make it an issue. I didn’t and I don’t regret it. Religious lifestyle (type of school to send your kids/how you would want to educate them) makes a very big difference. It is cause for tremendous conflict when one want to send their kids to a modern yeshiva and another wants a more yeshivish one. I can tell you one thing:DO NOT count on growing together and anyone changing. You must be able to truly accept where they are and assume there will be no changes. What will you do if they don’t change??? Too risky. A couple, IMHO, should start out fairly similarly, and then you grow together.

    #798473

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    well if I dont date because Im to in the mood then how can the right one come around?!?!?!

    (To paraphrase)

    patience learn, will you.

    (From one of the great Mussar masters. Chochma B’Goyim Ta’amin).

    #798474

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Adorable, I don’t know how old you are, but being too busy to date is not a good idea. Time passes, and it does not get any easier. There is a lot of age discrimination. A brief break to get in touch with yourself, ok. A big break, so you can pursue other goals, yikes. Be careful. You can’t get back the time you devote to other things.

    #798475

    adorable
    Participant

    I have so much freedom now. just pick up and do things at night… or by day… and im going to be losing that and have to start settling down and making supper, laundry… raising kids… its just so scary to me

    #798476

    haifagirl
    Participant

    thanks everyone for the advice. I am in my early twenties.

    I realize this is painful for you, but give me a break. How many years have you been dating? If you are in your early twenties, I started dating before you were born. I know other people who have been dating nearly as long.

    There are still plenty of available men who want someone your age. Stop complaining.

    #798477

    Seahorse
    Member

    haifagirl: Have you lived my life? Have you walked in my shoes? I don’t judge your pain. Please don’t judge mine.

    #798478

    Seahorse
    Member

    adorable, i think you don’t want to date because you have a view that marriage is like a trap in which you won’t have the same freedoms you do now. Maybe you could visit some (happy) families for Shabbos and see how happy the women are – yes there are struggles that come with motherhood/marriage, but the best things in life come with struggle. You don’t have to start dating right now, but I think it’s important you talk to happy wives/mothers so you know what you may be skipping out on.

    #798479

    Laker
    Member

    Seahorse. Looking back now, were there hints to the concerns while you were dating that you ignored, or was it totally unexpected?

    #798480

    Seahorse
    Member

    It’s complicated, but yes there were hints.

    #798481

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Adorable:

    I know from where your anxiety comes, because I felt it myself, and it prevented me from making a committment for years. What you’re describing is a fear of responsibility/ commitment. Believe me, that fear does not go away with time. The lifestyle you seek that offers a lot of freedom to come and go will only fulfill you for so long. There will come a day when you will yearn for more, when you will heartily give up the freedom to “live” in order to make a “life” for yourself with another. Loneliness will win out. Maybe you’re not ready yet. Just think about whether you really have the luxury of time. Committing to be there for your family is hard, but frankly, being alone is harder in my opinion. I know my friends who married before me yearned for freedom, but they did not yearn to be single without children. They wanted the blessings of marriage and kids and also opportunities to enjoy the world. Although you may not be able to have as much free time as you want, you will still have time. Marriage is not a ball and chain attached to your foot. If anything, it’s a companion to grow with, to love and be loved by, it’s someone to share your dreams with.

    #798482

    Health
    Participant

    gavra_at_work -“You have no Mitzva to get married, so no need to push.”

    From the topic in the CR titled:

    “Who wants to be a Tzadaikes like Rus?” –

    “also, a woman, from my understanding, does NOT have a chiyuv to get married.”

    “This is totally not true, even though I brought above one Shitta who holds this way.”

    (That Shitta is a Das Yochid, so you can’t Pasken like him.)

    #798483

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    Health: Are we going to get into a sheves vs. peru Urivu discussion? I have no interest.

    #798484

    Seahorse
    Member

    I’m confused, do women have an obligation to get married? I thought we don’t because only men have to have kids.

    I always figured this was because women more naturally want to marry anyway.

    #798485

    Health
    Participant

    gavra_at_work -“Health: Are we going to get into a sheves vs. peru Urivu discussion? I have no interest.”

    [Sorry for not replying earlier -away for Shabbos Nachmu.]

    Actually, I’m not going to discuss Lomdis, but the S’A paskens a woman has a Chiyuv to get married for a different reason. Just ONLY one Achron learns the S’A as an Eitza, not as a Chiyuv. Most learn that it is a CHIYUV!

    #798486

    Health
    Participant

    Seahorse -“I’m confused, do women have an obligation to get married?” YES, they do!

    “I thought we don’t because only men have to have kids.”

    While they aren’t included in the Mitzva of “Pru OOrevu”, the S’A states another reason why they have to get married!

    #798487

    Seahorse -“I’m confused, do women have an obligation to get married?” YES, they do!

    “I thought we don’t because only men have to have kids.”

    While they aren’t included in the Mitzva of “Pru OOrevu”,

    When I was an ancient single, I went to a gadol with the same question so that I could just stop dating already. He told me, of course you have to go out, how can the man do the mitzvah without you? He then gave me a more detailed answer as to the woman’s obligation (and he gave me some good advice, which I acted upon and I got engaged about two weeks later, b”H).

    Hatzlacha 🙂

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