To talk or not to talk??

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  • #758205
    yoyo56
    Member

    cutipie im really curious too know what store? a supermarket? where do u live? and what exactly happened when u talked to him? did your parents know?

    when i told some ppl about what happened they started to make fun and say “ha ha its a good shidduch” and finally i found a person who understands me and doesnt think im overeacting or actin ridiculous

    #758206
    jewish unity
    Participant

    yoyo and cutiepie, if you’re going to start talking about the store and neighborhood, i think you should do it between you two through email letoeles; if you post that on here it can easily be lashon hara and worse

    #758207
    yoyo56
    Member

    jewish unity i just want to know if its the same store then i know that i must to stay far away

    there is no way that im goin to reveal myself cuz the moderators will remove it or not post it

    #758208
    adorable
    Participant

    Yoyo I dont think it is the same store because he is older than the guy you are describing but yes it is a supermarket. I was the one who decided not to go in to the store anymore and have not been there in years. It is so hard you cannot imagine but I have no choice! It’s that or my life (not that I think he will kill me but these guys have no limit and can ruin my reputation in one minute!) Just think that it is not worth it and although it’s hard I am with you in this! You are so amazing!

    thank you!

    #758209
    dunno
    Member

    I would go to another store or ignore it. I’ve been in this sort of situation before and when I made it clear that I’m not interested, the guy usually stopped trying. I would advise against talking to him – you’ll look pretty weird and I don’t think it would make a difference. It might even have the opposite effect if he thinks you’re kidding.

    Good luck.

    #758210
    yoyo56
    Member

    cutipie it cant be the same store because the managers switch its not their main jobs they are just there for a couple of years and then move on to their real career. and i dont think tis manager has been there for more than two yrs.

    i might be off with his age by a lot i cant tell he can be older but im really not sure

    thank you so much!

    #758211
    MDG
    Participant

    I was once in a similar situation. An older man wanted real badly to set me up with his daughter. It felt like he was already calling the florist, while I had never even seen her. I guess she was OK, but I got really weirded out by his insistence, so I tried to avoid him. In shul , I would make sure to sit next to my friends or be talking to them (not during davening). It made the whole situation awkward for him to approach me with my friends around. Now I know what it feels like to be “hunted”, which most men will not feel.

    Yoyo, would going into the store with a friend or two help the situation?

    #758212
    yoyo56
    Member

    im not sure cuz the last time i went he opened a cashier for one person and didnt let me pay so im not sure if it was the guy he opened it for that he didnt want to show that he liked me or was it that he had to run cuz a minute later he dissapered which meant that he had to leave cuz that normlly doesnt happen as soon as walked to in he lifted his eyes to look at me

    #758213
    adorable
    Participant

    Yoyo- I was thinking about you all night…I think you should try your best not to go into that store. you will see that you feel much more liberated once you make a firm decision not to step into that place for a couple of months. you will see that something inside of you will “die”/ disappear and it will all just go away… you wont even think about it anymore when you do end up walking into that store. I have some friends who know about it and they encourage me and cheer me on not to step over the line which i created for myself. I have a feeling that at one point I will feel like its a non-issue and then i can go into that store already.I feel like I am getting close to that point but have not reached it yet. Keep me posted!

    #758214
    yoyo56
    Member

    hey cutiepie i am still going there i just ignore them or idont let our eyes met

    i have two questions:

    1)did u tell your parents about this ?

    2)i really want to know where u live

    #758215
    adorable
    Participant

    YOYO- I did tell my parents about it which was the best thing on one hand but also the worst part. It was good that my parents knew not to send me there every day anymore like they used to but at this point I think that I am almost “ready” to go back into the store but my parents are very cautious and nervous. I feel like they are forgetting that its over (well almost like I said I still think about him but my feelings towards him are not as strong)! I still think it was the best thing I could have done in that situation. I don’t want to tell you where I live but I can tell you that I do not live in BP. How about you tell me where you live? I dont think we are talking about the same store because the manager is working there for quite some time already.

    #758216
    yoyo56
    Member

    i live in flatbush my parents know something is going on

    #758217
    yoyo56
    Member

    cutipie:

    did u ever have actually like him or was it that u wanted him to bug off ever since the begining?

    what happened exactly that you stopped going?

    do ur parents go?

    how old were u approx?

    #758218
    adorable
    Participant

    YOYO you have a lot of questions for me! I actually did like him a lot at one point but now I realize that I dont want to marry him and there is no way for me to just talk to him without it going any further. Today is a bad day- I feel like I miss him in my life a lot but I dont think I am gonna go in there either way! Will let you know though

    #758219
    MDG
    Participant

    Nature is nature. By being around the other person you start to let the guard down and possibly have feelings, even if you know that it should not be.

    In a past job, I was put with a team which included a lady who was absolutely Nothing to look at. After working with her for a week or two, she became normal looking to me. I occasionally remember that to remind myself of how we are so impressionable.

    #758220
    adorable
    Participant

    AAAWWWW- today is a hard day and I could use advice….I wish I would never have gotten into this mess but its too late!I just feel like I miss him in my life for no reason. Are there any pills out there that can help me just forget someone in my life?!?!??! I wish there was a way for me to just forget him! Any Advice? I feel like I am going to fall apart just not thinking about him for so long….Any ideas? Anything is helpful PLEASE!

    #758221
    miriamtov
    Member

    im impressed your asking for help you must be strong inside, as the saying goes this to shall pass…

    #758223
    yoyo56
    Member

    cutipie plz help me for some reason he is always on my mind whatevr i do im thinking abt him i cant get him off what should i do and recently ive been going there very often cuz my mom needs me to carry the packages for her what should i do and he is there all the time

    plz help me

    #758224
    adorable
    Participant

    YOYO- do not go into that store anymore. I think you should tell your father or mother – whoever you are closer to and whoever would take you more seriously- and you have to put your foot down that you don’t want to go in there. I also don’t think about him anymore! I know that sounds so easy but it’s very hard….. Every time he comes into my mind I just try to think about something else and not him! I would not mind if you would email me but MODS PLEASE let me know which email address you give her before you give it out! thank you

    #758225
    smartcookie
    Member

    Yoyo- you MUST tell your parent.

    #758226
    yoyo56
    Member

    the problem is not only him so let say now i dont go to that store there are other guys who still try to flirt with me what should i do abt that i was once at my cousins house and we were playing and all of a sudden a twenty year old guy is like who likes me(yoyo)? and he said he did

    why is this happening to me?!? i cant handle it anymore!!

    #758227
    smartcookie
    Member

    Yoyo- if you return a snobby look (which is ok when they try to be extra friendly), they will leave you alone.

    I have a friend who always said what you’re saying now about boys. But she didn’t even realize that she liked the attention and was being friendly to them too. (She denied that of course, but we saw her talking to them.)

    It’s usually a two way street.

    #758228
    hanib
    Participant

    yoyo – this may sound weird – but do you think that when you are around guys, you can keep your energy levels close to you? do you think you can be very careful not to smile or look at them, and to keep yourself more “closed” and not as “open” when around guys?

    #758229
    s2021
    Member

    lol

    U wer “playing”

    and a twenty yr old flirted with u…

    someone call the cops……….

    #758230
    MDG
    Participant

    As a guy I can think of two good reasons why guys are approaching you:

    1) Your attractive physically

    2) Your have a friendly/non-threatening demeanor

    Suggestions:

    1) Try to keep your appearance simple. (As a guy I’m not so sure what this entails, but I guess you do). Don’t wear strong scents

    2) Be emotionally distant to guys. Always. Do not smile at them. Do not talk that to them, if possible. Do not give eye contact, even when you have to speak to them. These are actions that ladies may do to be polite, but are misconstrued by men, who think “she likes me” or “she’s wants to flirt”.

    #758231
    yoyo56
    Member

    i gotta admit that at first i wanted the att i didnt mind it but know i wish this never happened i sometimes wish i was ugly whenever i see this guy im in my uniform as i said and if u see me in my uniform u would agree i dont like that pretty my hairs a mess…

    s2021 what do u mean “playing”

    it was a game of card with at least another three other ppl which means five all together

    whenever i go to the store now i dont let our eyes met or anything of those sorts but for some reason he still on my mind

    #758232
    MDG
    Participant

    You need something else to occupy your mind.

    Someone tried this mental exercise with me: he said, “Don’t think of a big white elephant. Don’t think of a big white elephant with floppy ears.” and repeated it several times. After a while, you will start to think of the thing you are trying not to think about. Why? Because you are concentrating about it.

    The solution is to actively think about something else (or to concentrate about not thinking about something else – like white elephants 🙂

    #758233
    MDG
    Participant

    Yoyo,

    If you are hanging out and playing cards with a mixed group, expect that guys will feel able to flirt. To put it simply, it’s a moshav letzim. Cards (or whatever game) is an excuse to get together with people. If they invited you for a game, then they are strategically hunting you; the game was an excuse to bring you in – bait.

    Your best bet is to avoid such situations (mixed crowds). Only hang out with other ladies, and make it known that’s what you want. Your lady-friends should know this so that they keep guys at a distance from you. Otherwise a guy might use a lady to invite you and him to the same event (i.e. she will do his dirty work, maybe unwittingly). You will innocently think that it’s a ladies only activity, but the guy has other plans.

    #758234
    MDG
    Participant

    If you are hanging out and playing cards with a mixed group, expect that guys will feel able to flirt.

    Your best bet is to avoid such situations (mixed crowds). Only hang out with other ladies, and make it known that’s what you want.

    #758235
    adorable
    Participant

    YOYO- I think you are giving the guys the message that you are available and willing/able to talk/flirt with them. I am not sure if you mean to be doing that and you only feel bad after when it goes too far, or if you are really not meaning that! I will tell you that I also used to always flirt with guys(I think its part of my personality makeup!) but I finally grew up and realized that there is no reason for me to! Do I want the guys to come close to me and get me in real trouble? I don’t need these guys to ruin my whole life! I am a young girl and there is no reason for me to ruin my whole future because of some little fun now!

    I once heard that when you look at a guy straight in the eye part of his neshama goes into yours. I heard it from Rabbi Wallerstein- not sure what his source is. I thought that was very interesting. Why would you want his soul in you?!??!?!? That is why the Mexicans just sit on the corner and stare! They are getting something from you without you knowing it or wanting it!

    Stay strong its hard but you can! think about something else!

    #758237
    mytake
    Member

    yoyo56

    (Since you’re a girl, I’m assuming I can be a little vague here, and you’ll get me.)

    My sister once commented that I give off a certain flirtatious energy when I’m around guys, which I was surprised to hear, because I kneew it wasn’t intentional.

    She pointed out some examples in my body language, which I had to admit, can give a guy the wrong idea.

    It took a conscious effort to stop it, and it was hard BECAUSE I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE I WAS DOING ANYTHING! You can do it too.

    Save all that for someone very special who deserves to enjoy it….not the random guy you meet!

    #758238
    yoyo56
    Member

    i was at my cousins house playing with my cousins and this guy was the only guy who was older than me he was my cousins cousin i didnt do anything to attract his att at all i was completly surprised when he said thhat and no i was not asked to play we were playing and he also likes the game he wouldve played whether i was there or not

    my take yes i am a girl but have no clue what u are saying can u be a little bit more specific

    #758239
    manishma
    Participant

    As a father of a teenage daughter, if she’d be in the situation you are in, I’d rather hear it from her rather than someone else on the street.

    If you’re mother knew what was going on, maybe she’d send your brother to pick up the packages. A little puzzling though why you HAVE to go to that store since in Flatbush you have many choices.

    #758240
    mewho
    Participant

    cutiepie, what has this got to do with mexicans sitting on the corner?

    #758241

    Keep in mind ur getting obbsessed with a guy workin in a supermarket.nebach. He’s just bored and u became the perfect candidate to have a lil fun with.. NO ONE can help u- u gotta jst do it urself. Be a lil nasty if he doesnt get the point. Now arent u from Brooklyn????

    If you can’t handle bein a lil mean to him it means u like him!!!Then ur parents must understand this is a serious issueeee….

    #758242
    adorable
    Participant

    mewho- the Mexicans on the corner want YOU but they cant have you so they just stare. what are they gaining by that? Nothing besides that a part of your soul goes into theirs. I think about that all the time- would I want his soul in mine? NO WAY! If I don’t want to marry him then why would I want a little bit of his whole essence in me? You can try and find where Rabbi Wallerstein says this because this might not make sense to you!

    #758243

    IMHO stay FAR FAR away….id love to think that e/o is normal but sadly thats not the reality. the grocery on my corner has a bnch of mexican workers and once i brought my cute little sister there. every mexican we passed knew her name and mentioned how cute she was to her face! i was so horrified….

    #758244
    seeallsides
    Participant

    yoyo-somehow you do not realize that you are giving off an ‘i am available, i am cute’, demeanor, and it is working – people react to it, and, yes, it feels good, it’s fun to flirt and to have boys look at you and think you are cute and pretty- this is something that is a yetzer horah from time immemorial. Nothing new, nothing strange-You have to deal with it, it is your personality, and if you don’t stop it, it will always be there – you do not want to do anything wrong, and that is where you are headed. Don’t wait till it is out of control. That is why our chachamim made gedarim. When you feel yourself slipping, just say Fire, Fire, and RUN – Get into a different circle, get interested in other things, i said it before, listen to shiurim, they will pierce your heart and give you protection. I’m sorry if I am strong-but you need to realize, stop talking and obsesssing about it- you are not the first and you won’t be the last- all that matters is how you handle it – just do what has worked for others in your situation, get away, get involved, and learn mussar. You will be so proud of yourself for everyday that you pass this test..iy’h you will marry someone who will adore your cute pretty personality and you will raise pure neshamos, and you will always look back proudly instead of with regret. All the best!

    #758245
    yoyo56
    Member

    its not just him but its alot of ppl that i see even on the street ppl just look and say something i get the feeling of how everyone is checkin me out this guy just has the guts to talk to me what abt the other ppl on the street cant avoid those

    #758246
    seeallsides
    Participant

    There will be guys all over the world-but there’s a ton of guys in yeshiva and girls just like you who have NOTHING to do with that scene, they will be pleasant to the cute checkout guys, but their expressions will be devoid of the ‘come hither’ look-and the boys will know in a second that it is useless to flirt with them- this is obviously your nisayon- you are not alone – you can overcome this, and the schar will be very great – just imagine all the malachim watching you and applauding you for every step you take!

    #758247
    seeallsides
    Participant

    Believe me I know it is a very hard thing for you to do,but you have to change what’s going on in your head. I think the Satmar Rebbe once told his talmid who did a very terrible thing and he kept on doing tshuvah about it, and saying what he did again and again, and the Rebbe said, stop doing tshuvah on this thing-the yetzer hora wants you back in the mud, and even though you are saying how much you regret it, you are just thinking about it again and again. Get off the subject – go join a class, volunteer to help parents take care of their sick children, shop for old ladies, you probably have good taste, lots of mothers can’t figure out what to buy for their kids/what looks good, maybe you can help them shop, you can find something that will make you feel wonderful about yourself.

    #758248
    yoyo56
    Member

    last nite i spoke to my parents and they decided that i may not go back to that store anymore.

    i decided that would be the best thing for me and so im not going there anymore bli neder.

    thank you so much for your help and support

    we should see the mashich bimhara vymanu

    once again thank u so much!!!

    #758249
    adorable
    Participant

    YOYO I understand you 100%- you know how you feel and I go through the same thing all the time but just read and reread what seeallsides wrote and think about something else. I went into that store this morning because I knew he would not be there yet but I did not let myself think about it. I just went without all the thought!

    Dont obsess over it!

    #758251
    mytake
    Member

    More specific. Okay.

    Try and keep your hands off your hair or face…your eyes sort of disinterested…don’t tilt your head…avoid extended eye contact (even a fraction of second longer than normal)…

    #758252
    seeallsides
    Participant

    yoyo what you did is incredible-you will see great bracha iy”h – keep being mechazek yourself, it is a very hard struggle, but you can do it because Hashem will help you.

    #758253
    MDG
    Participant

    yoyo –

    Your courage to the right thing really made my day !

    #758254
    observanteen
    Member

    Yoyo: Boy, I’m sooo happy!!! May you have a wonderful life in this zechus!! I greatly admire you! Oh, I know how hard this is – even if my nisoyon isn’t as great as yours. I also feel kinda thrown off when I meet any guy. Keep strong!

    seeallside: Wow! You’re amazing. I got so much chizuk from your post. Thank you so much!

    #758255
    yoyo56
    Member

    today is the third day ever since i stopped going to the store but i still cant get him off my mind and now whenever i see a guy i get so edgy and want to run away and all my memories abt the other guy come back what should i do?

    #758256
    MDG
    Participant

    As cutiepie said above, it will take a while.

    Also, as said above, you need to keep yourself busy, or should I say consumed, with something. Find a hobby, chessed project, etc that really gets you involved.

    #758257
    smartcookie
    Member

    Yoyo- PLEASE go seek help. Please do. I’m serious.

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