March 21, 2011 7:01 pm at 7:01 pm #758258
Don’t worry if it takes time to get him outa your head. Keep yourself busy and it’ll get easier iy”h.
I admire you for doing this…good luck!March 21, 2011 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #758259
okay-I want you to tell us two things that you did, from all the advice to keep yourself occupied.March 21, 2011 7:35 pm at 7:35 pm #758260
I will tell u from experience- it takes a while but don’t think about him! Just don’t let ur mind go there!March 21, 2011 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #758261
when im in school learning then its fine but once the class is over he is on my mind or when im on my way home from school i see guys hes on my mind again whta am i supposed to do nothiing is workinMarch 21, 2011 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #758262
the problem is im already busy with something and i rember its not that i am not busy i have alot to do but i keep repalying the diff things that happen
who am i supposed to talk to abt this??March 21, 2011 10:46 pm at 10:46 pm #758263
think= if your brain is busy with something, it will not think about this situation, don’t walk home alone, walk with friends, don’t lay in bed daydreaming, put on a shiur on chazak, or on a tape recorder/ipod, if music works better then do that/ be strict with yourself-you are on a very hard assignment-it is the yetzer hora trying to keep you in his clutches. I wish i could tell you it will be over tomorrow, it is not that easy-but it can be done.March 21, 2011 11:36 pm at 11:36 pm #758264
I don’t think you can block a thought out of your mind. You need help controlling HOW you think about things and how to go about your thoughts.
Nothing wrong in thinking about him. The question is WHAT you think and what results that brings.March 22, 2011 12:19 am at 12:19 am #758265
seeallsides: there is only one person who lives in my area id i rather not walk home with bec. of diff reasons so keeping my mind occupied then is really hard
and at nite that is a great idea the only thing is do u know of anything specific that i can listen to regarding this issue
smartcookie: the reason why i stopped going there is bec he was a guy and he would talk to me i didnt think it was app. especially since he wasnt related to me or anything, and i think he was quite comfterable talking to me and i was also and i didnt want this to start with him and then i would continue talking to other guys also just like i did with him i dont want ppl to think i talk to guys either. whenever i think abt him its either what he said to me or the way he acts i dont think its terible but i just want to get him off my mind i never thought that at some point in my life that i wouldnt be able to go somewhere bec oof something like this now when i see a guy weird sense comes to me i feel wierd like i did the wrong thing and i ask myself why did i do that what was i thinking. i also feel that he kinda ruined things in my life cuz i always enjoyed goin shoppin for my mom or with her and i feel terrible now cuz i cant help my mom carry the pkgs or load the car its a horrible feeling that comes to me each time i think of this i always enjoyed helping my mother and i love to go out so this was one thing that really helped my mother and i enjoyedMarch 22, 2011 1:20 am at 1:20 am #758266
people like diff types of shiurim, i love R’Ephraim Wachsman for serious, R’ Noach Weinberg a”h for very straight advice, R’ Orlofsky, when i want something easier to listen to, you can check out many different types of speakers, i like listening to the inspiring experiences that people had, right now there is a wonderful speaker on chazak – call 718 258 2008, after a few announcements, dial 3, wait, then 2,wait, then 101# (5 makes louder,8 lowers it,2 pauses and starts it again, 4 goes back, 6 fast forwards, aish.com has great articles, aish audio has great mp3’s, http://www.simpletoremember.com has some great speakers, http://www.puretorah.com – tell me what kind you like, i will try to help you find them. I think you are great to try so hard!March 22, 2011 1:39 am at 1:39 am #758267
i would like something pertaining this topic maybe this is a hint from hashem that i should work on this area and then it will stop me from talking to the opp gender
thank u so much!!March 22, 2011 1:53 am at 1:53 am #758268s2021Member
Read Gila Mansolen’s (or someting like that) books. Rabbi Orlofsky has a great shiur on plotonic relationships ( I never had a desire to talk to a guy after such lessons) If u understand a little deeper whats going on when u talk to guys, It would make more sence to stop, rather than trying to stop doing something u think u really wanna do cuz for sum reason everyones telling u not to….March 22, 2011 2:19 am at 2:19 am #758269
I don’t know if you should think this is a big sign from heaven, or work so hard to understand what it all means…It is not such a mystery-it’s soooo normal- i am not an expert, and it would be good to seek help, but i think distraction, and overdosing a bit on ‘be good’ actions/books/shiurim/ is what you should focus on. You will automatically think about him-and it is painful-but if you are prepared, then you will have tools to deal with the difficult moments. I know everybody here is rooting for you, we will stay with you through this time. Everybody is talking about how Mashiach is coming any minute, won’t it be great to meet him knowing that you overcame such a big nisayon.March 22, 2011 4:17 am at 4:17 am #758270observanteenMember
Yoyo: It really takes a lot of time to drive somebody out of your mind. (Especially someone you like) It kinda sticks there and is very hard to get rid of. First of all: It’s absolutely and totally NORMAL. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nevertheless, it’s hard. Oh, it’s TORTURE!! Believe me, I know. I went throught it too. What I found was most helpful, was thinking that it’s just a phase that’ll PASS. Tell yourself it’s ok to miss him – after all he became a part of you! Don’t worry – you won’t miss him forever. IY”H, you’ll have a husband and he’ll be history. Just think of it as any nisoyon. Whenever you think abt him, just let the feeling wash over you, and then think logically. Does it make sense to miss him? Is he worth being missed? Do I really want him to be a part of my life? Then go and distract urself. Go out with friends, go shopping etc.. REMEMBER: DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP!!! You’re human and you’re going through something real tough and challenging. If you don’t succeed in forgetting abt him today, tell yourself you’ll be doing better tomorrow. Hatzlacha Rabba!!March 22, 2011 7:32 pm at 7:32 pm #758271Leon NormansonMember
You’ve got a lot of good tips here! I just wanted to add, that it all depends what the talk is about. If it makes you uncomfortable than you’re totally entitled to stop speaking with them! It doesn’t have to be done in a rude way, but it could be something like “yes”, “no”, thanks”, “bye”! Be prepared for “are you upset at us?” or “why are you in a bad mood?” Just give them a bizarre look, and that’ll be the end of it! Nothing to be scared of!March 22, 2011 10:03 pm at 10:03 pm #758272
leon normanson: i dont go there anymore so thats not an issue im assuming u only read the first couple of posts i dont see the guy anymore but he is always on my mind
does any one know where i can listen to rabbi orlofsky online cds tapes etc
thank u!March 23, 2011 4:16 pm at 4:16 pm #758276
yoyo you can find this tape easily on the web – search for orlofsky platonic relationships, many shiurim are available, just do a search for the name of the speaker and free listeningMarch 23, 2011 5:21 pm at 5:21 pm #758277
yoyo, please, please, please check out Gila Manolson’s books. She writes a lot about the pros/cons of having relationships with the opposite gender outside of formal dating.
Its also a pretty light read, and I think you’ll find her ideas helpful.
She has four books out, and they’re on relationships, dating, love, tznius, and shomer negiah.
I think you’d find “Head To Heart” most relevant to your situation, but check out the others; they’re phenomenal!
Let me know how things work out! Good luck!
(btw- Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein has excellent shiurim on platonic relationships, plus he’s entertaining too!)March 24, 2011 2:41 am at 2:41 am #758278
i just wanted to take a moment and thank u guys i am so glad that i stopped going there i fell like something has been removed from my shoulders and im not thinking abt him as much anymore thank u so much!!!!!!!!!!
does anyone know any specific website that i can here these speeches??March 24, 2011 12:12 pm at 12:12 pm #758279
I have tried to post the site but it does not go through – as i said just do the searches that i have given you, it will come upMarch 24, 2011 12:14 pm at 12:14 pm #758280
you are really amazing that you got so far! in such a short time- keep it up!!!March 24, 2011 3:29 pm at 3:29 pm #758281
Good for you!!!! I’m so happy to hear that!!
I’ll let you know if I find the website! Good luck and make sure to treat urself for this!March 24, 2011 6:51 pm at 6:51 pm #758282March 24, 2011 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #758283observanteenMember
Thanks for letting us know. I couldn’t stop thinking about you!! I’m really happy that you’ve overcome this challenge. Cheers!March 25, 2011 12:02 am at 12:02 am #758284
Today my mom told me I had to go to the supermarket cuz. She needed stuff and no one else was able to go I told her I really don’t want and looked at ne a little confused cuz she know I love to shop for her. And then she asked me if I had a crush on the guy I told her no and then she made me go I did my shopping didn’t let our eyes met yet he came over to me and said that he doesn’t need what he asked ne for cuz he already got it I didn’t even turn to look at him.
My mom will nost prob ask me to go tomorrow again what am I supposed to do ecspecially since I don’t want to and I held myself back for a whole week what am I supposed to tell my parents and how I don’t want to go I don’t want to see this guy I was abt to cry wqhen my mom told me that I had to.go life is so toughMarch 25, 2011 12:31 am at 12:31 am #758285popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I think you should tell your mother that you do have a crush on him, so that she will not tell you to go.
I think your mother will understand, and will not be upset at you, or respect you any less.March 25, 2011 1:08 am at 1:08 am #758286
Yoyo- please tell us WHY you wouldn’t share it with your mom. At least tell her that you feel that HE has a crush on you. (Put the blame on him!)March 25, 2011 1:18 am at 1:18 am #758287
don’t lose heart – you took an amazing step-stick with it – try not to go and if you have to go, try to be proud of how you act there – think about how it is all being video’d and written down – hatzlocha!!! you are moving mountains!March 25, 2011 1:57 am at 1:57 am #758288
I tried to hint it to my mom but she is not gettin it and I don’t feel comfterable approaching her and saying some guy has a crush on me my father is aware cuz once my brothers said I was wierd and he replied then guys should nt be runnin aftert me so they know he has a crush on me but they just tell me to go and not talk but I feel wierd when I fell that a pair of eyes. Are watchin meMarch 25, 2011 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #758289
Maybe you could just tell your mom that this guy keeps watching you and talking to you, and it makes you uncomfortable.March 25, 2011 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #758290
yoyo- I cant believe that if you would be honest with your mother she would still feel this way. I think you have to be honest with her and DO NOT GO INTO THAT STORE! I will tell you from my experience that you need to give yourself at least 2 months without thinking about him (not sure who mentioned it, but someone mentioned white elephants and i think about them whenever he comes into my mind!) do not let your mind wander and think about him or other guys.March 25, 2011 4:49 pm at 4:49 pm #758291popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Yes, tell you mother he tried to assault you.March 27, 2011 3:31 am at 3:31 am #758292
i was there on thurs when he came over to me when i was checking a vegetable to see which one i wanted and he said that he doesnt need the thing he asked from me and that i should tell the person forget abt it i felt that he wanted to start a convo with me because there was no reason for him to tell me that bec he has the persons fone number and he could just tell him since i gave him the fone number to go atrat through him instead of me being the middle man so i didnt even turn to look at him and siad ok and that was it on friday when i was there i noticed how he wouldnt looka at me which was good
i told my mom and she said that he is the type of guy who would talk to anyone he does scmooz with the ladies at the cashiers so therefore she just tells me not to talk to him cuz of miryas eynaym and that he is harmless and on fri while i was there a bunch of women we around him one was patting his back so my moms rite hes just that type who talks to other woman and doesnt care i guess it has to do with where u come from and how u are brought upMarch 27, 2011 7:10 am at 7:10 am #758293
Good job Yoyo. I’m happy your mother knows about this now. You just keep showing UNinterest and snob him off!March 27, 2011 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm #758294
yoyo, im a little confused by you because you just started a new thread asking whats wrong with tlking to the opp gen??? Also, for all the ppl telling her that its just a phase and she’ll forget abt it when she gets married iyh, unless you are at shidduch age, thats not even possible. You can’t ask a teen to do something in their life now bc they’ll be married in 4-8 years. If you’re still a teen its a lot more complicated and a challenge to deal with these guy-girl issuesMarch 28, 2011 12:54 am at 12:54 am #758295
i know its wrong but never understood why and now it occured to me that i should find out everyone says its wrong but y???? ive had enough of everyone telling me this is wrong that is wrong i need reasons i think then i will be able to understand this issue a little bit betterMarch 28, 2011 1:20 am at 1:20 am #758296
i want to help you out with this, but I’m going to keep my posts on this subject from now on in your other threadMarch 28, 2011 4:37 pm at 4:37 pm #758297
you know first hand the reason why it’s wrong. actually, consider yourself lucky to have stopped when you did. it could’ve gotten a lot worse.
The Yetser Hara in that matter is extremely strong. It will take you places where you should not be, make you do things that you should not do, and make you have feeling that you should not have. One small step can lead you down a slippery slope. You cannot fight it; no one can. That’s why you read about great rabbis that assiduously avoided women. With their learning and piety, they deeply understood the power of the Yetser Hara. They knew that even they might not come out unscathed. Think of a big buy fighting with a small guy. The gadol might win, but still might get bruised.
We are not such gedolim, and we may easily lose such a fight, so we must be even more diligent in our kedusha and prishut.March 28, 2011 5:25 pm at 5:25 pm #758299
did they get rid of your other thread about this completely?!March 28, 2011 5:26 pm at 5:26 pm #758300
Mods, don’t you realize we’re actually trying to have mature discussion about this?March 28, 2011 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #758301
Please be aware that such discussions, while trying to be mature, can slide down a slippery slope. I think that my comment to that thread may have been more than needed.
I tried to more discrete and reiterate my ideas in better words above.March 28, 2011 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #758302
when did they get ride or the post complety and why i havent beeen on all day what did ppl say i heard rabbi orlofsky speech last nite i think he really explained it well and i now i understand but for som,e reason i feel like he has become a part of me which i really want to get ride ofMarch 29, 2011 5:52 am at 5:52 am #758303
MDG, your probably right
Yoyo, I think you have to explain a bit more exactly what’s bothering you. It seems you’re a little confused. Also, as a general rule with anything, if 1) you’ve looked into an issue seriously (with your Rebbi/Morah), and 2) you have been genuinely 100% honest with yourself, and 3) you truly don’t believe there be an issue, then I think you can go ahead with whatever it is. However, I don’t think you can go through those steps regarding the prob of guys/girls and come out that there’s no negative effects. But tell me if you disagreeMarch 31, 2011 10:56 pm at 10:56 pm #758304
i didnt talk to anyone teacher about this iisue bec of the skool i go to they dont understand i underwstand i should not be talking but now i understand by listening to rabbi orlofsky speech how talking to him abt something that he wanted me to get can go really far therefore i dont speak to him and looks like he got the hint so now things are back to normal excpet for my extra carefulness of not talking to guysMarch 31, 2011 11:02 pm at 11:02 pm #758305s2021Member
Yay yoyo!! U listened to the shiur!! The more u understand, the easier it will get..April 3, 2011 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #758306
is there anything wrong with going and not talking to them although they look at me??April 4, 2011 3:49 pm at 3:49 pm #758307
I would say it’s OK as long as you are vigilant not to talk with them, nor give them eye contact, nor any friendly or welcoming body motions (like don’t face in their direction).
Think of it like animals of prey waiting for a chance to attack. If they see a sign of emotional weakness or your guard down, they will feel that they have the opportunity to attack.
They = wolves
You = sheep
Tsniut = sheppardApril 5, 2011 1:27 am at 1:27 am #758308
i dont talk to them anymore but i sense the feeling that someone is watching me and the other day when i was there i noticed from the corner of my eye while i was waiting on line to pay he was walking and then he saw me so he took a step back to make sure he saw correctly or he wanted to see me again and then coninuedApril 5, 2011 3:29 am at 3:29 am #758309
yoyo- stay away – i know it’s hard, you have to keep re-inspiring – rewiring yourself. Reread all the advice, relisten to the shiurim that you liked. Each step will make you grow stronger.April 11, 2011 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #758310
ok guys! here we go again! what should i do if i just cant stop thinking that I know that I like this guy! I do not want to marry him or anything like that and I did not go into the store for the longest time ever and I try not to think about him anymore but whenever I do I just am back to square one. shouldn’t my feelings for this guy be diminished at a certain time?April 11, 2011 6:05 pm at 6:05 pm #758311hanibParticipant
listen to rabbi orlovsky’s platonic relationship audio.
truth is your feelings may not be diminished so fast because your imagination is probably keeping it going. best thing is to keep yourself busy with friends, work, chessed, and dating.
oh yeah, and cleaning for pesach. 😉
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