To the Parents of Teens

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  • #939438
    a mamin
    Participant

    Dear proudbyg: I can not begin to describe the pain I feel in my heart for you.A mother is supposed to be a role model for us to emulate, unfortunately here this is not the case. I am begging you please listen to the survivor who is writing you on this thread. She has been there, she knows… You really must get away as soon as possible and work on building your one life. If your mother has borderline, its almost considered a lost case. Read up on it, you’ll see..Wishing you the siyata dishmaya you need to get yourself out of this, and to rebuild.

    #939439
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    a mamin- thank you so much for your kind heartfelt sympthy, my mother told me years ago not to look up to her, because she always knew she wasnt someone i should try to be not with things like this more of her frumkeit… thats why for years i have been searching for someone to be like to strive to emulate them. im listeing ot the surviver trust me,i will leave here as soon as i can, and im trying to make arrangments so im away the whole summer this year,im not sure what the year after next holds but i hope to go to seminary in eretx yisroel, thank you for thinking of me 🙂 amen i should have.

    i just want to make a general statment, i just want to ask that anyone reading adn replying to mine and others posts here please dont be upset at my mother or her actions or my place in life and what happend.I accept its from Hashem and i know its good for me, i understand it was given to me for a reason im not trying to blame my situation on my mother, im trying to find the way Hashem wants me to take whats given to me and serve Him with it.

    #939440
    SaysMe
    Member

    aproudbyg- you are a very special person. And you make bais yaakov and klal yisrael proud

    #939441
    sammy16
    Member

    wow.

    #939442
    adams
    Participant

    aproudbyg, I don’t think you are understanding how damaging your mother’s behavior is to you. The denial you are in, is distressing to see. To summarize from what I can see, your mother very often, hits you lightly, up to the point of breaking your clothes, and s soft choking motion, and we assume yells very often, you haven’t said much about that, and is there more? IOW, she treats you not as a daughter or a human being, or even a pet dog, but she abuses you via her power over you are her mother.

    This is sickening to hear about and I for one, would like you to contact Ohel, or any of the numbers you were given, TODAY.

    If you cannot do this today, please explain what is holding you back.

    You mentioned Chilull Hashem, or fear that she lose her job. None of these justify her continuation of these abuses.

    Remember, this is a public website. Aproudbyg is correct to not post details she does not want the larger public to know. She should seek help, but is not obligated to inform us of what, how, when, or why. No identifying information will be posted.

    #939443
    Eli51
    Participant

    To aproudbyg

    Maybe you can call your Mothers Rav & have him speak to her.

    #939444
    sw33t
    Member

    Adams-

    have you been in a similar situation???

    do you have any idea how difficult it is to do what you’re suggesting???

    The shame, embaressment, feelings of betrayal, public acceptance and acknowledgement of your situation, invasion of your privacy, fear of judgement…

    #939446
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    aproudbyg all i can say is WOW!! u have soo much courage to go through every day and u realize thts it seriously from Hashem and its all for the good!!! that takes a lot of effort and im soo proud of u!! i know its super hard just reading what ur going through and what other pppl are saying-i cant even imagine what its like!!!! youre doing gr8!!!

    #939449
    yichusdik
    Participant

    Aproudbyg, I concur with those who have asked youto report or to seek assistance from OHEL or a similar group. THis is abuse, and your mom has serious problems, even if you think they are tolerable or under control.

    However, if you are determined not to advise police or seek assistance beyond this forum’s advice, I urge you to document EVERYTHING. Write down what happens, when it happens, and if you have a bruise ch’v or worse or ripped clothing, take a photo. If you can record a violent incident with your phone, even if only audio, do it. B

    But this is only back up. it isn’t a substitute for seeking help, which I again urge you to do. If you only described one incident with your mom, I’d concur that anyone can have bad judgement and a bad day. But what you describe is systemic, and aside from the danger to you and the ongoing psychological damage you are receiving, you are also enabling her to continue her unacceptable behaviours. Please consider an outside agency or the police.

    #939450
    selflover72
    Member

    I really simpathize with you, you sound like a great girl and you are sertinly getting reward up in hevan,

    I know people said this befor but i suggest that you call ohel the number is 1800-603-OHEL(6435)

    sholom task forse-718-337-3700

    i wish you lots of luck!

    #939451
    shimmel
    Member

    Aproudbyg, If you can’t get out of the house, Is there a way you can get yourself to therapy while living in the house? Your mother doesn’t even have to know about it. Some therapists may accept your insurance. Maybe you can find a kind teacher who can help you? I’d like for you to know that I’m going through the exact same thing right now. For several reasons, it is not practical for me to get out of the house. But I found some amazing mentors who are literrly saving my life. I can’t stress enough how important it is to reach out. Don’t allow urself to drown in it on your own. You want to do the right thing, you don’t want to go against your mothers wishes, but a person has a chiyuv to themselves first. You have to take care of yourself, try to look around you and see who you can trust. Get another trustworthy adult to help you make sense of it.

    #939452
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    saysme- i hope i make them proud 🙂

    adams- what makes you think im not understanding what im going throught? dont you tink i understand the physical and emotinal pain iv had for years not knowing what or when to talking to my mother about something for fear of her getting upset,to not want to leave my room unless my mother is in hers for fear of being told iv done something wrong? or maybeim not aware of what its like for my mother to admit shes choked me holding me against the wall? whats holding me back is as what sw33t said, the pain and emberrasment of what iv been throught, the emberrasment of admitting my deep feelings and emotions to someone… its hard and im trying to be able to get there

    selflover72=thank you for your kind words and the numbers!

    shimmel- im so sorry to hear your going through tht esame thing, i hope things get better for you soon 🙂 i actually told a friend i met a few weeks ago who doesnt live here that im having some trouble at home,she told me if i wanted seh could ask her grandmother who is a therapist would be willing to talk to me,so i might take that help. iv been looking for along time,and its hard to find someone that would be understanding for me and i would feel ok to talk to,I’YH i will talk to someone soon who i did find and things will get better, thank you so much for your concern 🙂

    mod-thanks for the backup 🙂

    eli51- i would be terrified of the reaction,but thank you for helping me 🙂 its so nice everyong here is trying to help me,klal yisroel is amazing

    sw33t- you understand me so well,thank you for explaining for me it was very nice of you 🙂

    mitzvahgirl613- thanks,thats so nice of you to say 🙂

    yishusdik-thats a good idea i might do that,thanks!

    #939453
    mitzvahgirl613
    Participant

    aproudbyg- i just want you to know that each time i come on here,it says that there’s 113 posts or whatever and that shows that everyone cares about you and really wants the best for you and that is so amazing!!!!

    #939454
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    mitzvagirl613- your so right, its so amazing how klal yisroel shows care for one another!

    #939455
    Oh Shreck!
    Participant

    Why am I here? To show that I, too, care. Someone else to share your pain. I’m sure you’ve received enough instruction, direction, advice here, you don’t need mine. Besides B”H I’ve no experience in this field.

    Why don’t you ask my teenage children how they deal…

    #939456
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    oh shrek- thnx for the input, glad you feel happy in your life

    #939457
    sharp
    Member

    aproudbyag:

    Good for you for having taken the first step by starting to speak out about your pain. This is by no means an easy thing to do and you must be a very strong and courageous individual. That being said, I believe it may be time for you to take the second step and call one of the numbers you got to speak to an adult that can guide you step-by-step.

    The reason this is so important for you to do still before Yom Tov is because you will definitely be around mom a lot more over the next 2 weeks and the tensions will be high. Between the late night schedules, meals around the clock, unstructured days, etc.

    I urge you to call ASAP as this is literally a matter of Pikuach Nefesh.

    #939459
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    aproudbyg: You seem to be a strong person. Keep it up! Over time you will develop a stronger sense of self and be able to ascertain what help you really need.

    If you cannot afford therapy or are simply afraid to ‘rock the boat’, you should call the Yitty Leibel Helpline 718- 435-7669. You can reach professional, free, confidential, frum women there who will help you get to the next step.

    Meanwhile, make sure you eat right, sleep well, and exercise. Take a multivitamin. I know it sounds stupid, but it will help you get through this time and enable you to deal with your problems with a clearer head.

    #939460
    sw33t
    Member

    <3 !!!

    People used to say the same things to me all the time:

    “why dont you call the police?” ” you have to go to therapy right now !!”

    and i remember feeling like “why dont you live 5 minutes in my life, and then go back to telling me what to do!”

    You sound like a smart girl with a good head. with time I think you will figure out what you need to do for you.

    One thing I do strongly suggest is a mentor figure. In high school I reached out and became close to a Rabbi, and a female teacher. My friends used to joke that they became my “mom and dad”.. I also went out of my comfort zone and would spend time talking with my school social worker. I would speak with her about anything, whether midterms or problems at home. I can say with certainty that these three people are what helped me move forward in life and grow into a well functioning, healthy and happy person.

    Best of luck to you.

    For what its worth, I am here to listen to whatever you want to post.

    #939461
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    sharp- thank you for hte encouragment,i do hope to get to the next step soon just need to calm my nerves i guess, as or yom tov i will be getting some books and and staying in my room reading and steadying for school,i will stay out of hte way in my house when help is not needed,and i will do my best when i have to do things around my mother, hte person i want to talk to is awy for peseach and will be returning after

    torah613-thank you for the compliments and the number and advice it defenitly makes sense and i will keep it mind!

    sw33t- thank you so much for telling me you will be here and giving me advice, it sounds like a great thing you did, when i was younger my first mentor was my teacher and she was nice to me and my class made fun of me calling me teachers pet..and i totally didnt mind cause she made me feel good then when seh stopped with me and went to help a different girl my class kept saying that i wasnt good enought for her,that i was to bad to be a teachers pet,im close to this intern of mine already so i will try with her,and i cant tell you how happy i am that things worked out for you!!

    #939463
    sharp
    Member

    APBYG:

    Sounds great. You’re doing really good. Keep it up.

    You’re strong and smart and you will get through this.

    Keeping a low profile should help,(for now)keep in mind that you will not get her approval by offering more help around the house, on the contrary. It will most likely irritate her even more and will probably backfire. Many girls in your situation think that if they help more, etc then things will be better for them. This usually doesn’t work. When she asks for help, try not engaging in conversation with her and don’t overwork.

    Above all, remember that this is her problem, not yours.

    Wishing you a Chag Kosher V’Sameach. 🙂

    #939464
    survivor
    Member

    Dear aproudbyg,

    I really wish I could be there for you because the more you post, the more I remember what it was like for me decades ago. I remember hiding in the bathroom from her because it was the only place she wouldn’t come after me (although I could still hear her yelling through the door). Tiptoeing around and never knowing if/when it was safe to talk or even be seen. The justifications for the screaming and foul language. Being too embarrassed to have friends over because I didn’t want to be humiliated in front of them. Being yelled at for never having friends over… I couldn’t win.

    This may seem harsh, but here’s what you have to do: GET OUT. Everything you do now, you need to do with the ultimate goal of leaving and not looking back. It is TRULY pikuach nefesh. I wish I could help you…

    #939465
    survivor
    Member

    Oh, and what someone said is crucial: document EVERYTHING. Have a notebook you keep under your mattress or something and write down the date, time, and description of what she says and/or does. Even if you don’t feel like it or it’s happened so many times that it doesn’t seem to matter if you write it down again. It establishes a pattern and even if you never need to show anyone else, it will help you to realize this is NOT your fault.

    You can create a code if you’re afraid she might find it, for example 03202229 YF if she just yelled at you using foul language.

    Taking pictures/recording is a GREAT idea. If I had had a recording device of some sort (this was decades ago, remember!), I would have had proof to at least show adults who wouldn’t believe me otherwise.

    So here’s your homework: Start a notebook, and make a phone call. I’m rooting for you, BY Girl bas Torah. 🙂

    #939466
    SaysMe
    Member

    torah613- it’s not necessarily healthy for people to just take multivitamins. and it really shouldnt be done without a doctor’s ok.

    sharp-

    Keeping a low profile should help,(for now)keep in mind that you will not get her approval by offering more help around the house, on the contrary. It will most likely irritate her even more and will probably backfire. Many girls in your situation think that if they help more, etc then things will be better for them. This usually doesn’t work. When she asks for help, try not engaging in conversation with her and don’t overwork.

    Where do you get this from? It may apply to some girls, and the opposite may be true for others, that by offering help, by having casual conversation, the mood is improved and calmed and made positive. Perhaps her starting discussion on a safe topic can lead to a shared laugh, a positive moment together. By acting like a servant, who only helped when and what asked and avoiding conversation, this can actually cause a blowup, anger, or resentment.

    #939467
    SaysMe
    Member

    sw33t- People used to say the same things to me all the time: “why dont you call the police?” ” you have to go to therapy right now !!”

    and i remember feeling like “why dont you live 5 minutes in my life, and then go back to telling me what to do!”

    thanks for putting my niggling discomfort into words.

    aproudbyg- feel free to disagree with me here

    but i also felt that way sw33t. That people make assumptions. think the worst. tell me i’m destroying myself. But they don’t really know my life. the details. the way i react, and my personality. my interactions with my mother. how bad or how often things may happen.

    aproudbyg mentioned the shirt and throat incidents. i am NOT justifying it even if it was only once, but from some of the reactions here, it seems people are saying that if she doesn’t get help, be it mentor or police,or get out of her house by the end of the week, she is being suicidal, or it may be “too late”. she didn’t say how often outbursts occur, but people assume every time she sees her mother, her mother yells at her. that her entire pesach is going to be misery with not a moment of peace. That it’s imperative that she records incidents (is there any legal issue there btw?), because of the ‘likelihood’ that she’ll need it in the future.

    perhaps we should all take a step back, including myself. aproudbyg said she knows the next step and is working on implementing it. she doesn’t want to get the police involved (B”H!) or go to a rav yet(speaking to myself here), so we can stop pushing those. She knows who she wants to approach, and will as soon as she can. perhaps we can encourage a positive outlook to pesach? perhaps it will be overall more good than bad? I feel like we’re pushing a fearful and negative attitude, when the positive emuna and outlook she already has are the best ones she CAN have.

    aproudbyg seems quite smart, clearheaded, and ready to act. Let’s show some trust in her, and give her the space to get her thoughts and emotions together to make that step, without criticizing her decision of when and how to act next.

    #939468
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    survioer-yes the friends thing for me just puts my mind in a circle, i dont know how to win that one,is it possible?? i cant seem to justify the not having friends over to my mom without a argument! its soooo annoying that is the one thing i feel i missed out in my childhood was my friends and studying with people,i have never studied with anyone for anything!!! i feel thats why i maybe feel not close with my class…and you are helping me,really! and i will start to document stuff to,makes sense

    saysme-its actually that way for me,no matter teh topic it always turns into a yelling frenzy,im not sure how but its not worth it to try anymore,i have given up with that. yes sw33t also put my feelings into words to haha. thank you so much for your kind words again on how im acting and my decisions,i am totally open to anyone who wants to give adivice no or anytime, i might not change what i do but the more info i get and opinons will help justify i feel what i do.

    sharp-thank you,you really make me smile when i read that 🙂

    #939469
    SaysMe
    Member

    k, thanks for letting me know. I’ll sha now 🙂

    #939470
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    saysme- no problem 🙂 and thank you!

    #939471

    Nobody is criticizing her, she is being given a reality check. You are correct that the police is not an answer, and stopping her mom is beyond her, but you may know from other friends that even if you really believe you want help, it takes only 5 seconds to convince yourself that you probably over exaggerated the situation and it’s probably not quite as it sounds etc etc. Getting help means choosing the unknown and even people who get black eyes and broken bones will tell you that their present situation is still better than the unknown.

    So how do you encourage someone not to remain complacent in a very unhealthy situation without sounding harsh? It’s a sensitivity. Not everyone can but we aren’t wrong to try.

    I agree that a proudbyg is an unbelievable person, I am so impressed with everything I am reading and I too would love to offer my shabbos table. She sounds like she has options and she has her head on straight but I know LOTS of wonderful people like that who stuck with abusers for years and decades because there is always that fear of ‘making waves’ or upsetting the person you are working so hard to please.

    Ohel is an anonymous call. It is not a plane ticket out of the house. Not wanting to make a first step even when it will bring no outward changes is an indication that there is a fear of change factor at play.

    Most of these responses are encouraging you all to get help for all the right reasons. Calling them critics is very possibly a way to make it easier to disregard their advice.

    I wish us all peace and strength and the ability to believe in ourselves enough to have our own best interests in mind. I am certainly not immune to this problem.

    #939472
    survivor
    Member

    APBYG – I don’t know if it’s a matter of winning as much as of minimizing your losses. I decided that enduring criticism for not bringing friends over was preferable to being degraded and humiliated in front of my friends. That way at least I was controlling what my peers knew – choosing to keep my peers out, rather than them witnessing the abuse and my feeling rejected because they didn’t want to be around her either. And how could I blame them? I never studied with friends until college!

    Saysme – “people assume every time she sees her mother, her mother yells at her. that her entire pesach is going to be misery with not a moment of peace.” This was my life. Even when there was no yelling, I was constantly on guard because I never knew when it WOULD start. It is terrifying and exhausting to be a teenager trapped in this situation. You don’t understand unless you’ve been there. Even my (future) husband didn’t believe that “someone could be THAT bad” until he met her. He was shaken to the core and would brace himself when we’d see her. We almost never see her now, and when we do she tones it down – at least in front of me – I think because she knows I don’t fear her anymore, and I will defend my children from her without a second thought.

    #939473
    survivor
    Member

    Another thing – calling the police will only make things worse, unless it’s pikuach nefesh, because she will pay dearly when she’s alone with her mother again. We went to therapy as a family a few times, but I knew I was being set up, even if the therapist thought they were helping. I knew I would suffer for anything I said, so I said nothing. I got yelled at for not being cooperative and wasting their money, but it was better than suffering later for telling the therapist the truth, being called a stupid liar and worse and having to be alone at home with her after.

    Each of my siblings have coped differently with the abuse. I chose to maintain contact after high school to support my younger siblings. I knew what they were going through and wanted to be there for them as much as I could. When my younger sister was 11, I was visiting and she crawled onto my lap on a lawn chair in the yard and sobbed, “I just don’t know what to do! I want to make her happy and I try to stay out of her way but it doesn’t help!” I went home to my husband and sobbed for hours because I couldn’t protect them. I remember saying that I had the money I would have gone to court for custody of them.

    Sibling #1 is now married with kids, moved hundreds of miles away and cut off all contact with all family. Sibling #2 is married with kids, has a simliar personality to our abuser (glad I wasn’t home to see THOSE fights) but somehow was able to form better parenting skills that what we grew up with.

    Sibling #3 is even more sentitive than I am, can’t hold a job, abuses alcohol, engages in other self-destructive behaviors, and has lo aleinu attempted suicide.

    This is why APBYG needs to get out.

    #939474
    SaysMe
    Member

    survivor- i know some people are like that. I just didnt know if aproudbyg’s situation was like that, or if we were jumping ahead and painting her a bleaker picture than actually was. That was my fear

    #939475
    sharp
    Member

    saysme = “ Where do you get this from? It may apply to some girls, and the opposite may be true for others, that by offering help, by having casual conversation, the mood is improved and calmed and made positive. Perhaps her starting discussion on a safe topic can lead to a shared laugh, a positive moment together. By acting like a servant, who only helped when and what asked and avoiding conversation, this can actually cause a blowup, anger, or resentment.

    I am not suggesting for her to ignore mom or to go on a shut-down. What I did suggest, was to keep discussions to a minimum and not to offer more help than is necessary.

    From what she said about her mom, she will not end up having too many light and easy conversations and definitely not any shared laughs. On the contrary, her mom will get irritated and annoyed.

    If you say that the mood will improve, etc, let me tell you that in most cases it certainly does not. When it does, it’s very temporary, lasting only a couple minutes and can be worse later.

    (If you know anyone who somehow got better by offering more help, then I can guarantee you that their situation or their mother was obviously not the same as this one.)

    And yes, keeping a low profile will help her cope better. It’s definitely not a solution, but for now, a way to cope with the situation, until there is a solution.

    #939476
    sw33t
    Member

    I’m not minimizing and I’m not suggesting that she should not get help.

    I am expressing how it feels to be in a bad situation and be told “you should/need to do XYZ” as if its just THAT simple.

    #939477
    aproudbyg
    Participant

    survivor- im so sorry how your childhood was and how it affected your current life. Im crying from what you said, i hope that each of your siblings should find better ways to live their lives and to cope:) and your right about it not being about winning,but thats a major thing in my life i was never able to study with anyone and i have ADHD and it would have really helped me with my grades cause anytime i got lower then a B my mom would be upset and ask why i dont try harder.

    thank you all so much for taking so much time and having so much concern for me.

    i do try to avoid hanging around my mom when not needed to do anything, i will betaking the next step soon and will get help.

    #939478
    YW Moderator-127
    Moderator

    That’s great to hear. Time to close this topic.

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