Home › Forums › Inspiration / Mussar › Tznius- HOW?!
- This topic has 22 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by knaidle.
April 10, 2014 1:07 am at 1:07 am #612560
How does someone walk, talk, or act b’tznius?
I know that tznius is more than just the way a person dresses but I’m not sure how to do the other parts…
Are there any online shiurim that someone can recommend?
All help is greatly appreciated.
Chag Kasher V’Sameach to all!April 10, 2014 2:21 am at 2:21 am #1011563UtahMember
go to YUtorah.org and search for itApril 10, 2014 2:32 am at 2:32 am #1011564
Thank you so much for that info. I just checked the site out and it looks so amazing!April 10, 2014 3:18 am at 3:18 am #1011565
I have a question for all males out there.
A friend of mine once told me that she thinks the most attractive thing to a boy is hair worn down. While I highly doubt that is the most attractive body part, I do wonder if it is something to consider when it comes to tznius.
As I’m typing this, I am slowly realizing that i do know the answer to y question, deep down. Nonetheless, I want to get a males view on this because if i know it is true then it will be easier for me to work on this.
Chag kasher v’sameach to all!April 10, 2014 4:58 am at 4:58 am #1011566ihearMember
ok this gets a bit complicated so bear with me.
firstly I am a guy (I believe that was the qualification)
u should try ur best to just be regular, tznius also means not standing out in anyway so if people will look upon u because ur too tznius then u kind of missed the whole point.
second its a hard call with guys some guys find some things attractive others find other things. hair down or hair up most of the time wont make so much of a difference unless ur hair is flamboyantly displayed or very obviously untzinus like the very long shaitels or the hair only covering one eye (sorry if I offended anyone but facts are facts)
I know in regards to dating that many guys (and I’m not from a particularly yeshivish circle Im pretty much avg. I know its relative but I have friends from almost every yeshiva in bk and many in isreal ie: mir, torah temmiah, chofetz chaim, and brisk so I covered my bases) will automatically say no to a girl who is a “puller” or a girl who while sitting needs to consistently pull her skirt so that it covers her knees, that’s a no no. period. again not for everyone but for many guys.
also when picking clothing make sure the color isn’t a flamboyant color, I don’t mean u should wear black and dark grey but use ur saichol, don’t wear a bright red or bright orange shirt and wonder why people are looking and/or saying its not tzinuis. im not bashing anyone who does, rather just answering the question u posed regarding urself.
I don’t know what else to tell u ur question was pretty general but the main point is don’t stand out either way just blend in and ull know ur fine. (obviously stand out if everyone around u is very immodestly dressed).
I feel its inappropriate to go into other factors regarding the way women dress (bec I am a guy) so ill stop here but I must say its very impressive that ur willing to take measures to be more tznius its something people don’t really do today and from what I hear its the hardest nisoyon that women have so good for u!
good luck!April 10, 2014 5:34 am at 5:34 am #1011567SaysMeMember
taom- as long as you know it isnt dependant on the posters’ opinions whether they personally may or may not think its an issue/attractive. There are a selection of books on tznius out there, both halacha and hashkafaApril 10, 2014 12:52 pm at 12:52 pm #1011568🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
ihear – I am so impressed by your answer! nicely stated!April 10, 2014 12:58 pm at 12:58 pm #1011569👑RebYidd23Participant
Makeup is far more of an issue than hair.April 10, 2014 1:55 pm at 1:55 pm #1011570strawberryMember
What about nail polish? Are colors( I’m not referring to bright red and pink) but like medium purple, pink, white are those attractive and un tznius?April 10, 2014 1:56 pm at 1:56 pm #1011571no longer need seminaryMemberApril 10, 2014 2:18 pm at 2:18 pm #1011572golferParticipant
The-art-of-m, I’m impressed with your question!
From what I can see where I live, a lot of your contemporaries (not all) are not as interested in this as you are.
And I liked ihear’s answer. Like he said, complicated topic for a guy to post on, but I think he did a great job.
Easier for me to comment (not a guy!).
I would only add, keep your eyes open and look around you. As mentioned, tznius has a lot to do with not standing out. You’re not expected to dress like the Rav’s wife in Me’ah Shaarim if you live in LA. But find the people in your community that you have a connection with and look up to. And notice how they speak, walk, even wear their hair. No need to blot out every spark of individuality and buy exactly the same shoes or earrings! I’m sure you get the idea.
A man once told me, with regard to sifrei mussar, that his Rebbi IS a mussar Sefer!
I think the same can be said about some women whose behavior and manners can teach you more about tznius than a Sefer.
Good luck, and hope you don’t mind my posting when you asked for guys’ opinions!April 10, 2014 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #1011573ChortkovParticipant
I do not think this is an appropriate discussion on YWN as to which types of hairstyles attract men and which ones don’t. Feel free to discuss what tznius is and what it is all about (BTW There is a great very-down-to-earth book called “Outside/Inside” from Targum Press about Tznius, if anybody wants to read it) — but discussing what does and doesn’t attract is not suitable, and will definitely roll onto less suitable discussions.
</end_of_POLITE_complaint>April 10, 2014 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #1011574oyyoyyoyParticipant
looking nice and attractive are not one and the same btwApril 10, 2014 7:19 pm at 7:19 pm #1011575streekgeekParticipant
(BTW There is a great very-down-to-earth book called “Outside/Inside” from Targum Press about Tznius, if anybody wants to read it)
I highly recommend this book, along with every other Gila Manolson book. They are simply amazing. She has speeches on her website, as well as on simpletoremember dot com, all which are worth listening to.
There is a certain refined characteristic that every Jewish person intrinsically has, and this trait should shine through in every situation, not just mode of dress. The challenge is that it comes from the inside, and it’s up to you to figure out how to let it shine through.
I had a teacher in HS who claimed that she was able to tell who watches movies and who doesn’t according to how a girl holds herself and how she walks and talks etc. (I can’t say explicitly what she says cuz I want my post approved, but you can probably imagine where I’m headed…) Honestly no one believed her, but having been to both sides I must say that I know how these things affect you subconsciously. Walking, talking and just your general disposition can be very negatively affected by what you’re used to seeing and hearing, which is where the walking, talking and acting b’tznius fits in.April 10, 2014 7:24 pm at 7:24 pm #1011576notasheepMember
Aside from how you dress, which is very important, it’s a lot to do with how you act. Think about girls who laugh or talk very loud when meeting their friends in public places and make people look around at them (you know the types I mean, just the way they act attracts attention. A girl should not behave in a rowdy or undignified manner, especially in public; if you remember that you have your dignity and behaving in a refined and demure manner will help you keep it.April 10, 2014 9:29 pm at 9:29 pm #1011577bais yakov maidelParticipant
“How does someone walk, talk, or act b’tznius?”
You don’t walk or talk b’tznius. Rather, you avoid walking or talking in a way that isn’t tznius.April 10, 2014 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #1011578kapustaParticipant
ihear, thanks for the honest feedback.
taom, http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/tznius-recommendation-for-womenApril 11, 2014 12:12 am at 12:12 am #1011579ihearMember
i wanna give a big thank you to all my fans, :). just kidding,
but i appreciate the positive feedback. i was afraid that i was gonna get some flack for some of the things i said.
no longer need sem help- a puller is someone who realizes that her skirt is too short (when she sits) and needs to keep on pulling it so that it covers her knees. this probably means that when walking the skirt is EXACTLY by her knees which is fine, but a girl who is careful about tzinus would only buy a skirt that would also be good in a sitting position (bec the laws of tznius arent only for standing or walking) so nothing to do with attention rather l’fi aniyas daiti (in my humble opinion) i think she doesnt want the guy to see that her knees arent covered and give a no bec of that, while most guys when they see that chap right away what her level of tznuis is. mainly bec however a girl dresses on a date that is usually gonna be more tznius then how she dresses regularly. for obvious reasons.April 11, 2014 1:14 am at 1:14 am #1011580interjectionParticipant
IMHO, not to be politically incorrect or anything all these discussions seem to be an attempt at a muttar way of discussing znus, while it is actually totally assur. I feel like if a girl really wanted a true opinion and if a guy really wanted to help someone, the conversation would be restricted to immediate family members.April 11, 2014 2:17 am at 2:17 am #1011581
Kol hakavod for that amazing answer! Your insight helped me a lot.
Yekke and Interjection,
I’m sorry you feel that way. I wish I could discuss these things with my family members but… suffice it to say they are not the best in tznius either. In fact, one of my siblings was checking the coffee room out, reading threads and stuff and she called me over, like- “LOL, look at this thread! Must have been written by a baalas teshuva or a weirdo or something.” And then she made a comment about tznius that made me wince. I wont share it with you. But this thread has really helped me. I assure you that I opened it with pure intentions and I thank the mods for approving it.April 11, 2014 12:58 pm at 12:58 pm #1011582ChortkovParticipant
the-art-of-moi: I am sure you had the purest of intentions, and you don’t sound at all like a troll. And the thread is heading in the right direction. It was just a little warning to make sure things didn’t head the wrong way.
I respect you for trying to be a better person, and work on yourself even in things people in your environment scorn. It is a very difficult thing, and kol hakavod!
Sorry if any offense was taken.April 11, 2014 2:01 pm at 2:01 pm #1011583OURtorahParticipant
Taom- I think the most challenging thing with tznious today is the inspiration for it!. I grew up MO so tznious was not strict and I have a very close friend who went to Bais Yaakov and she said tznious was so strict but no on really ever explained why.
I think the beauty in what you are doing is that you are looking for your own inspirstion becaise this mitzva is important to you (not to mention comes with so many brachos iYH for your bayis neeman byisroel) but you will iyH be able to inspire your children!
my inspiration was the way I felt about myself. I used to dress in very immodest clothing and when I learned the real halahos of tznious I began changing one thing at a time and seeing how it felt. it was truley a life changing experiance. the day I finnaly decided to wear tights and cover my legs all the time I felt like a new person. I felt like there was me and there was my body and they were two connected beings. it wasnt like I was walking around anymore and worrying if people were starig at me because of my tight skirts. I gained a new respect for myself because I knew everyone who I spoke to and who wanted to be friends with me had nothing to do with the way I was dressed ( and if it did then I knew I was only havig good hashpa on them!)
dressing tzniously has allowed me to really get to know my inner self and find my true happiness because I dont care if boys dint notice me. I frankly dont want them to notice me. my family day in day out make fun of the way I dress and trust me its been the greatest bracha. ive only strengthened my emunah in Hashem through this because I know how happy it has made me as a person in olam hazeh!
sorry if that was so no helpful, but I thoght id give you some chizuk since youve always been such a good friend to me 🙂April 13, 2014 10:04 pm at 10:04 pm #1011584knaidleMember
There are halachos on hair length and style. Try a tznius book (oz v’hadar)or ask a reliable, competent, knowledgeable person.
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