November 2, 2010 7:53 pm at 7:53 pm #592883
once a girl is working and making money, is it fair for her parents to ask her to buy some of her clothing on her own? After all, now she has to get “dressed up” every day and her parents are going to have to marry her off very soonNovember 2, 2010 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #707044squeakParticipant
brace yourselfNovember 2, 2010 8:11 pm at 8:11 pm #707045the.nurseMember
uh…. why in the world NOT?
if you’re old enough (and hopefully mature enough) to be out there in the working world, i’d hope you’d be able to pay for and buy your own clothing..November 2, 2010 8:11 pm at 8:11 pm #707046
Once you’re an adult, your parents don’t “owe” you anything monetarily. It’s nice if they help you out, but you certainly don’t have grounds to expect it as if it were due you.
The WolfNovember 2, 2010 8:13 pm at 8:13 pm #707047shimmelMember
Some people get married with their own money as well.November 2, 2010 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #707048not IMember
Always under discussion in my home. What it boiled down to is how the parents are brought up. For ex. my mother always paid for her things as a girl where as my father held that while you are in the house you are under his care..November 2, 2010 8:18 pm at 8:18 pm #707049
I never had to pay for anything on my own and now that I am working already for a little while, I suddenly realized that i use the debit card that I happen to have on me when my mother asks me to do an errand or something and that card is from my account!November 2, 2010 8:19 pm at 8:19 pm #707050
Here is a better question for you. Once a girl is working amd making money is it fair of her to expect her parents to continue to buy her clothing? After all what expenses does she have? Does she pay rent? Does she pay for food? Does she pay for her own car or insurance? How is she contributing to the household and how is she showing hakaros hatov to them?
Let’s discuss what a parent owes to a child and what is a need and what is a privilege? Do we really have to go there or should I just stop at this point?November 2, 2010 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #707051
LOL!!!!November 2, 2010 8:23 pm at 8:23 pm #707052the.nurseMember
my sentiments exactlyNovember 2, 2010 8:28 pm at 8:28 pm #707053SacrilegeMember
I’m going to play devils advocate… because, its going to be fun!
Your parents dont OWE you anything, but then again you didnt ask to be brought in to the world, that was their choice (and Hash-m’s) So really, if they wanted to be a parent the burden should be upon them until they are self sufficient.
In the non-Jewish world, it is generally acceptable for children to MOVE OUT after college. In the Jewish world in a “normal” circumstance children usually stay at home until married.
Now for the rebuttal.November 2, 2010 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #707054arcParticipant
my wife stopped taking money once she started working her siblings didnt.November 2, 2010 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #707055SJSinNYCMember
Depends what age.
Are you talking about a 12 year old who babysits twice a month? Or an 18-20 year old living at home?November 2, 2010 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #707056whatrutalkingabtMember
Of course its fair! Why should your parents have to pay for all your clothes now that you are working?? especially now that you’ll want tons of clothes – girls working age tend to love shopping and buying new clothes all day.
Why do you expect your parents to foot the bill?
Besides its great to learn how to budget before you get married.November 2, 2010 8:35 pm at 8:35 pm #707057
@adorable WOW…I am sorry if this offends you but your question is extremely immature, idk about you but not only do I pay for my own clothes, tuition and credit card bill, my sister and I who are both living at home help to contribute by shopping for household items without expecting to be reimbursed…I would never even ask, I mean my parents supported me for 18 years put me thru private school and seminary, and provided me with all my needs. I think its just hakaros hatov to help them out. If you ever want to become independent you should start now!!November 2, 2010 8:44 pm at 8:44 pm #707058
Is she saying she has “nothing” to wear? Is her closet empty? Well then, I am sure her parents would then rush out to meet their obligation of clothing her, feeding her, educating, her, making sure she is medically card for, etc.
However if she is saying she wants more than the basics, then that is a whole other ballgame.November 2, 2010 8:47 pm at 8:47 pm #707059cokeMember
What changed from when you were in high school until now?November 2, 2010 8:47 pm at 8:47 pm #707060LBKParticipant
It really depends on the financial state of the parents AND the girl.
If the parents are well-off, and the girl is just starting out making minimum wage, the parents should continue to help out, and allow the girl to put money away for the future.
If the parents are essentially middle-class, they probably should still cover the basics, but any extras should come out of the girl’s pocket, although if the parents insisted on her paying her way, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with it.
If the parents struggle financially, the girl should certainly contribute, regardless of how much or how little she makes.November 2, 2010 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #707061
LBK, if the parents are well off but still want the daughter to pay they are probably trying to teach her the value of a dollar.November 2, 2010 8:50 pm at 8:50 pm #707062SacrilegeMember
“Extras” she can pay for but many families make their young children pay for extras. As one gets older, especially when entering Shidduchim things that were once “extras” now become “must haves”.November 2, 2010 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #707063rescue37Participant
I think it is a very sad indication on how good our education system is that there is even a thought that once a child is working the parents should still support them. If the parents want to buy gifts it is one thing, but for a child to think that something is coming to them when they have their own earnings is in my opinion just very very sad.November 2, 2010 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #707064bptParticipant
(Mind you, this was a person that went to a good school, and got a real good education, and really took the business to a level his father could never have achieved.)
That pretty much ended the tirade.November 2, 2010 9:19 pm at 9:19 pm #707065blinkyParticipant
Before i worked or when i was in sem- e/t was split in half- only for the things that i really needed, the stuff that i just wanted that i was on my own. Then after that, when i worked the whole day i paid for my own things (sometimes my parents would chip in- as a gift)November 2, 2010 9:21 pm at 9:21 pm #707066
Every situation is unique and should be evaluated on its own terms.November 2, 2010 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #707067
Smart parents will always teach children the value of money so eventually they will be able to stand on their own. It is our obligation as parents to do what is best for our kids. We are not doing them any favors by spoiling them. Now some of us have the means to help them as much as they need, and some of us just don’t. But kids today need to try and be independent and show their parents hakaros hatov no matter who their parents are and what they have.November 2, 2010 9:24 pm at 9:24 pm #707068
“”Extras” she can pay for but many families make their young children pay for extras. As one gets older, especially when entering Shidduchim things that were once “extras” now become “must haves”.”
Girls and guys today are spoiled. I work and my parents make me pay for most things. Its not easy but I accept responsibility and Im proud of myself that im not a leech like most frum kids these days. They suck money and they dont even appreciate. There are parents that can spend millions between shidduchim, the fancy wedding, and getting a house and the kid is still an ungrateful piece of….
Girls, if your salary doesnt cover your expenses you better learn how to shop on SALE. Yeah theres something called shopping on sale and looking for bargains. If you want to have ten pairs of shoes all over $200 then you better make sure your salary can pay for it.
Todays “needs” are ridiculous. Do you girls know that some of your parents REALLY CANT AFFORD your lifestyles but they dont have the heart to say no?
Next time you buy a dress that costs more than $300 think about if you really need it and if your father can really afford it.
For all you know your father is in debt and has CC bills up to the wazoo.
Responsibility. Does anyone know what that means anymore?November 2, 2010 9:33 pm at 9:33 pm #707069
WIY, good points.November 2, 2010 10:02 pm at 10:02 pm #707070
Playing devils advocate.
“Girls, if your salary doesnt cover your expenses you better learn how to shop on SALE.”
This is common sense and applies to all people.
“Todays “needs” are ridiculous. Do you girls know that some of your parents REALLY CANT AFFORD your lifestyles but they dont have the heart to say no?”
Do girls really NEED seminary? Do children of all ages NEED summer camp? Your right, some NEEDS really are ridiculous.
“Next time you buy a dress that costs more than $300 think about if you really need it and if your father can really afford it.”
If the father cant afford it, he is an idiot for paying for it.
“For all you know your father is in debt and has CC bills up to the wazoo.”
If said father allows the $300 dress he cant afford, he is an idiot and he needs professional help. From a financial planner and also someone to hekp him work on his parenting skills. Parenting is not about becoming your childs best friend.
With that said, children should not take advantage of their parents stupidity.November 2, 2010 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #707071
um honey sweetie pie, i know a lot of pple who r paying for sem themselves (including me-donate to the fund, anyone?) and thats relying on babysitting $, anything made in camp, adn A LOT of scholarships. and of course, many of us having been buying the “extras” with our own money for a long time. if ur making $, i think it is perfectly reasonable to be paying for “some” of ur purchases. but i was serious, if anyone wants to donate to my sem fund, this is a shameless request to start sending me $! cuz i h8 scholarship essays…November 3, 2010 12:47 am at 12:47 am #707072
Smile E. Face
“if anyone wants to donate to my sem fund, this is a shameless request to start sending me $! cuz i h8 scholarship essays…”
Are you serious??? Because you are lazy and dont like to write essays you think we should donate to your sem “fund?” Thats absurd.
You think anyone will feel one ounce of pity? If you cant write have someone help you or ask for help with that.November 3, 2010 1:44 am at 1:44 am #707073oomisParticipant
IS it FAIR?????? It’s ABOUT TIME!!!!!!!!! For all you princesses out there, Mom and Dad are all tapped out from paying for your Yeshivah tuition. You should not only pay for your own clothing, it wouldn’t hurt to do what my Dad O”H did, and kick in even a modest amount towards household expenses (you DO use the shower, blow dry your hair or use other electrical appliances, and talk on the house phone, don’t you?).November 3, 2010 2:14 am at 2:14 am #707074YalahMember
Well sounds pretty pathetic to me!!November 3, 2010 2:22 am at 2:22 am #707075LBKParticipant
whoa,wellinformedyid!!! gotta take a step back and chill for a sec…..November 3, 2010 2:38 am at 2:38 am #707076kapustaParticipant
once a girl is working and making money, is it fair for her parents to ask her to buy some of her clothing on her own? After all, now she has to get “dressed up” every day and her parents are going to have to marry her off very soon
Can I rephrase the question? Is it fair for her to ask her parents to pay for her clothing?November 3, 2010 3:03 am at 3:03 am #707077
wiy- oysh! i was just kidding! i thought u could c that from my post, but i guess things sound diff when u read them!November 3, 2010 3:45 am at 3:45 am #707078
This is not the proper thread, but if you want the “sem” experience, without the term papers and
Ramban memorization at a quarter the price, then find a kollel family to board with for say $100 a week for 3 months. In exchange for food and shelter, you will help out (think chessed family, but full time, instead of becoming a greater expert in Ramban then the Ramban himself) with the household, and you get 2 days a week to yourself to go on organized tiulim. What do girls talk about when they are back from seminary, the number of Rambans they memorized? The number of tests they crammed for? Or, the families they met, the kosel and other mikomos hakdoshim? Oh, and Ms Face, no essays to write. None. An added benefit is that these families in E’Y will have a revenue stream, they didn’t have before and people won’t go broke so their daughters can have “their year in sem”.November 3, 2010 3:52 am at 3:52 am #707079
just wanted to add while i’m on the defensive… i actlly like writing! (and im being serious this time)and i would appreciate if u didnt call me lazy, cuz im anything but… its not ur fault, u apparently didnt chap that i was jk, but for future reference, im not lazy and i tend to have an odd sense of humor. guess thsi was a sohf! oh well!November 3, 2010 4:23 am at 4:23 am #707080
Smile E. Face
Sorry I thought you were being serious. My bad.November 3, 2010 1:45 pm at 1:45 pm #707081
WIY- Thanks for your true words! You are right 100% right. I never thought of it the way you put it. I was just wondering why all of a sudden, not that I have a debit card that comes out of my own account, why should I be paying for the gas or the grocery bill. Having children costs money! MY parents knew I would be driving before they let me get my licence and there would be good parts to that like that they don’t have to go to every appointment and every time they need something from the grocery I can go. On the other hand, yes they will need to fill up on gas more often because I spent most of my night in the car (for my pleasure or as a help to them)!
But I definitely see things differently now, thanks to everyone out there…November 3, 2010 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #707082
“MY parents knew I would be driving before they let me get my licence”
Surely this is not true.November 3, 2010 7:38 pm at 7:38 pm #707083
Glad I can help. Hatzlacha.
Smile E. Face
Just in case you didn’t see my earlier apology I’m sorry for saying you were lazy. I didn’t realize you were being humorous. Now I know.November 3, 2010 8:01 pm at 8:01 pm #707084
“MY parents knew I would be driving before they let me get my licence”
Surely this is not true.
Why? I drove before I had my license. It’s called “driving lessons.”
The WolfNovember 3, 2010 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #707085
Wolf. Read on.
“like that they don’t have to go to every appointment and every time they need something from the grocery I can go.”
How many driving instructors take you to doctors appointments or the grocery?November 3, 2010 8:43 pm at 8:43 pm #707086
Sorry… didn’t read that. My apologies.
The WolfNovember 3, 2010 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #707087
I think you guys missed the boat! I was saying that before they let me get my license they knew I would be driving a lot and they took that into account- the gas and regular wear and tear of the car would cost them obviously.
Wolf- there are pros and cons to letting your daughter drive- as mentioned above about the gas and the mechanic for “normal” things. But they also do not have to run out every time someone has a doctors appointment because i can take the child…. nothing to do with driving lessons (although that also costs).November 3, 2010 11:04 pm at 11:04 pm #707088yeshivaguy1Participant
Smile E. Face- from the way you wrote your posts I can’t tell that you like writing. I’m not expecting perfect grammar and punctuation but at least write something that resembles the English language.November 4, 2010 12:52 am at 12:52 am #707089
adorable, and please don’t forget how much the insurance goes up for each underage (meaning under 25 year old) driver in the house.November 4, 2010 12:15 pm at 12:15 pm #707090minyan galMember
It seems obvious to me that seeing Smile E Face’s postings that she spends far too much time texting on her cell phone. Too much of this activity leads to deteriorating writing habits. This is very evident on many blogs.November 4, 2010 1:37 pm at 1:37 pm #707091theprof1Participant
If you read all these comments you’ll see that there is no “normal” rule of thumb for this. Some girls work and feel more independent if they pay for their own things. Other girls will save their working money for their chasuna or even for after the chasuna as a foundation of funds. Some parents don’t mind either way. Parents with very limited funds might want a girl to do both – save her money for a chasuna and also pay for her own things. There are so many possibilities that just about anything can be considered normal.November 4, 2010 3:39 pm at 3:39 pm #707092
I think this thread has brought up a very good point and that is hakaras hatov to parents and that children need to learn to be both responsible and respectful. Children need to learn independence and not to want or expect too much or even everything from their parents. And children need to learn not to make excuses for doing that.
The point of working and earning your own money is to pay your own way. It is always nice when parents are generous especially when they DON’T always have the means to do so. But what is nicer is when kids know to appreciate it and show hakaros hatov and not take it for granted.
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